After defeating the black legion in a skirmish, Captain Davian Thule and Captain Gabriel Angelos along with 2 companies of blood ravens are sucked into a warp storm and come out again in Equestria. There they are marooned and will have to settle there. Co-exist with the alien or destroy the harmless creatures? Aid them in their problems or remain hidden until rescue arrives? Maybe this is the Emperor's true test of a space marine.
First crack at writing 40k, I am just gonna say, I had a lot of fun writing this.
And of course having no life, I wrote more! Be sure to check them out!
Chapters (20)
Those dirty little kleptomaniacs.
HAHAHAHAHAHA! GOOD JOB COMRADE. MOAR.
3085817
You bet.
3085998 RARITY SPAH IS SAPPIN MY CAT.
This is not a sentence.
3086067
First goof of the day. Fixed.
the blood magpies in equestria?
... why do I get this feeling it won't end well, and with them in possession of every valuable artifact in the land?
Needs more story.(more chapters)
Would love to see how they react to them ponies
Interesting, lets see where this goes.
and then, the Blood Ravens stole everything
i reallt want to read a story in which the blood ravens steal equestria, like, the whole country
I'm a skeptical about this one, the idea is good but what about the rest of the plot. You need a little more detail, about why who. And the dialogue is a bit off. The best thing here is the theme though. Keep writing, this isn't half bad, it's actually good.
Celestia's not gonna be happy.
3088258
Alright, will keep in mind.
dont know why this has so many thumbs down apart from a few grammar mistakes looks very good so far
3088298 Oh wait till you see.......
3088342
For the mistakes?
*My reaction at the Titan* CREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE---------
Princesses and Space Marines....
I'm going to hide under a table.
3088299 i approve...but im too lazy to add this to my read later as im on mobile
they found them already? princess time.
Good job Blood Ravens. You just killed a baby Ursa....You are so dead when the mom comes.
3090378 Oh trust me... I am going to get to that part.
I'm betting right now Rainbow finds something chaos related.
Right'O then! Overall, a cheery story with a solid feel to it. Not bad, however I would not call this a die-hard true-canon 40k crossover (funnily enough, like many other MLP/40k crossovers).
First; your marines seem to have quite simple dialogue and thought trails. The characters aren't really well fleshed out in the manner they speak in and the way they interact with one another. Why not try some brotherly fueds? Perhaps the situation they are in has taken a toll on some of the marines minds, leading them to act harshly or question the actions of their captains? Try and clash or mesh personalities in interesting and even explosive ways.
Second; slow down you writing. The story is going flat out and many details are being rushed over. It's very hard to put in too much detail, especially when it comes to 40k novels, so go mental when describing characters, actions, emotions and the chemistry that occurs in the story (both physical and psychological).
Third; the marines are not acting like true 40k marines, and perhaps for the better. True 40k marines, no matter what chapter, would have blown any and all alien intruders (like the pony scouts) to tiny technicolor giblets. Space marines are VERY mean in canon, as in they will tear any alien they see in half with their nipples. They have always fought aliens and their natural reaction upon seeing anything that isn't human is 'murder it with my face!'. This trait is touched upon with Cyrus, but not followed through, especially when the marines are ordered to only wound the pony scouting team. If you REALLY want to be true to 40k, they'd have killed the ponies and felt reeeeeeeaaaaal good about it after. However I have the feeling that (like myself and other 40k crossover writers) you want to develop an interaction between the ponies and astartes that transcends a simple bolt round. This is awesome, yet comes with the price that is that your fic could be interpreted as a slight alternate universe to 40k. Once again, absolutely fine, but just hoping you're not kidding yourself into thinking the marines would actually do this in 40k (Hell, just listen to Thules dialogue with Kais in Dark crusade. That Tau was being real reasonable, and still got a mouthful of RAEG!). Also, marines don't leave 'discarded bolter' lying around. Bolters are as precious to marines as their own eyes, and keep them safe and clean at all times (I withdraw this comment if this has something to do with the whole chaos plot point).
Fourth; slight bioligy burps. Space marines can indeed gain memories from the tissue (assuming blood also) of a creature, BUT DAMMIT NOT THAT MUCH XD. Perhaps consider giving Cyrus and Jonah a quick glimpse into Twilights recent past rather than the 'Guide to all Equestria' she has stored in her bloodstream. Just had a check on an Ursa Minors size as well, definately not what I'f call 'Titan-sized'. On all fours the thing is about the same size as a land raider, yet this makes it more believable when you consider a Librarian killed one by simply sneezing lightning at it. I wouldn't put 'finding food' as a big deal in the story, power armour has support systems that provide an astarte all the nutrients he requires for up to 50 days just by recycling his bodies waste ( Dey eet der own poop
).
Aside fro that, it's all good. This is, of course, your choice as to how you take this critique. You can take a few notes and tweak the details, or just ignore it. Either way, I'll at least keep an eye out for the next chapter.
3091028
Whoa there! A lot of criticism and I am going to say, give me some more! Alright time to reply to this all.
1. I've gotten a lot of this in the past from a hardcore friend. This is arguably one of things on top of my list I intend to change
2.Yeah. This is something else that's been an issue. Will probably fix.
3. Yeah I was aware of this after listening to Thule for a while. The only problem with having a "true" marine in any crossover would result in lot's and lot's of blood. I am gonna be honest, I am still somewhat rusty on lore due to the fact it's been a long time since I played both games. The bolter thing was really my crappy excuse of having to run into the CMC for a later event as well as an excuse to put a few of my favorite characters together in a huddle.
4. Yeah.... I really done-goofed on this one. I had looked at a few of the "Chapter schedules" and this time was to occur at roughly the mid-day meal of the space marine. In a sense, the 2 companies of blood ravens are essentially their own chapter until told otherwise. Now Jonah didn't kill the Ursa, just ended up hurting it. Gabriel kills it with his hammer by smashing it's skull in which will have later obvious consequences. Now the entire "Titan" thing was supposed to be an estimation. I had estimated the thing to be about ~25 meters when standing at full height, roughly equating it to the size of a scout class. This probably made no sense considering the Ursa 90% of the time walks on all-fours. I will probably try not to make any lore goofs but some times they're unavoidable when we got big guys with big guns on one end and friendly-liking-everything-ponies on the others.
3091121 It's all good, it's still a pretty fun story overall anyway.
Feels too happy and simple for it to be 40k. So many writers forget that the Imperium, in it's own way, is evil. The space marines are always cast in these fics as merciful, understanding, and reasonable people, when in reality, they're genocidal monsters. Remember in retribution when the blood ravens killed all of the mourning eldar on typhon? How about the Eldar blocking the exterminatus fleet? And DAVIAN THULE? Cooperating with aliens? You're talking about the leader of the Kronus purge, slaughterer of millions. Space marines shoot Xenos on sight, anything else is treason to them. This idea, by design, is also
...painfully overdone. Sorry, but it's true.
3091245
I could of sworn I addressed that just a few moments ago. Scroll down. But Davian didn't cooperate with anypony........ yet. The closest he's done to "cooperation" is not killing any of them.
But the angry marine that just wants to shoot stuff.... that will come up in the form of an old friend we all know and love.
3091322 But it's the fact that Davian will ever cooperate, which he never would. You said using "true marines" only leads to blood, violence, etc. so... What you're writing is not a 40k crossover, it's just some bastardized form of 40k, where the devotion and zealotry of the marines is nonexistent, and they're perfectly fine with abandoning their only purpose in life to settle down with a bunch of talking alien horses. And please, if you say you're going to respond to criticism, do respond to all of it, because ANY space marine, not just the angry marines would have Celestia's head on a pike before you could blink. And your use of "anypony" in conversation is making my cancer worse.
3091446
I used the word "Any pony" to be specific as we are well... dealing with ponies....
But you did bring up a fair point, the settling down in life thing... I am still conflicted on whether or not they stay trapped here or have a means of leaving for home later on....
I am going to agree with you on a lot these points actually, but I did address that if we had your average space marine, I might as well as be writing cupcakes with much more ponies and having the SM being the antagonists. IMO it would make a much more interesting story to have the space marines actually INTERACT with the mane 6 and their world rather than the "kill everything in sight"
This may tone things down from "KILL THEM ALL" to "STAY OFF MY LAWN" but it's just a sacrifice that's gotta be made.
3091538 When talking about uncomplicated plots, it's strange that you bring up the mane 6, seeing as they are incredibly dull characters when you look at their actual development or lack thereof. And how much interaction could the two groups really have? Sm land, ponies discover or are discovered by sm, sm interact peacefully somehow, ponies accept peace offerings, two groups share moderate tension until sm help ponies defeat some horrible threat, so that the ponies can preserve their dual matriarchy/weird religion based on lies. Followed by friendship and peace. In 40k. With the Imperium. And Thule specifically. It's just so boring.
3091612
Well, we only got three chapters. Most we have is
SM lands. Some ponies find SM. SM doesn't really want to be seen nor do the want much trouble for something they don't have knowledge about. Ponies get curious.... SM tells them to GTFO... but still get seen doing some stuff that ponies don't like seeing....e.g killing stuff..... ponies get really interested.... as does Celestia...... ponies decide to take a closer look.... SM drives them away while causing some problems..... and here we get the conflict.
I dunno where you got the "interact peacefully" part. There hasn't been a too violent interaction but "first contact" wasn't exactly too friendly. Lemee put it to you this way.... is getting thrown a few hundred yards something you want someone to do to you?
If you're opting to see actual killing, wait for it. All I've got to say.
3091665 You appear to have a lot to say... No e of which responds to the really important flaw in this story. The blood ravens, the very same blood ravens responsible for killing an entire planet, are totally cool with letting an alien race worship something so stupidly heretical. Honestly, it's really just the sun cults of Meso-America when you really analyze this. You also say that there won't only be violence from the space marines, and yet you say that the marines are being aggressive, please tell me whatever space marine aggression usually includes. And do you agree with me on the mane 6? Because you seem to have a way of answering roughly 40%of my criticisms.
3091665 Sounds like a very boring conflict when compared to the average 40k story.
funny how everyone keeps saying that the space marines would just kill all the ponies on sight but there have been situations where the space marines have worked together with aliens and i think being stranded on an alien world with no way to contact the imperium is one of them i mean sure 200 marines would do alot of damage but against an entire planet full of different alien species they would eventually be killed one by one not to mention they would run out of ammo pretty quickly
3092863
Suspended disbelief may be a good idea somewhere around here but More_Dakka does bring up a few fair points. But as I mentioned to Diomedes, both Lores are somewhat..... well... contradictory and would result in..... just another retelling of rainbow factory or cupcakes. Mainly due to the fact that the SM would slaughter anything that isn't homo sapien sapien.
3091807
Again, the stories is in it's infancy. But I am gonna admit, you do bring up a few fair points with the fact I ended up seriously screwing with SM lore.... but if I didn't do that well I might as well be re-writing "Rainbow Factory" or "Cupcakes" again.
My only 2 cents here is suspended disbelief is going to be your friend.
3092883 i remember reading a good 40k crossover on this site called courage honor and friendship i thought that did really good job at having the ponies and ultramarines team up while keeping the ultramarines in character for what you would expect from a space marine
3092924
I do believe I read many of those, and that was definitely one of the better ones. Hope this get's to that level.
Tyrannids or Dark Eldar
i love how quickly this updates also i really really want to see the Tau there the only ones that would be peaceful towards the ponies
Well Shining is fucked...
Tyrannids
3092863 Punctuation is greatly needed here sir. And two companies, led by the greatest commanders the blood ravens had ever known, against an almost dark age society with no military force aside from the royal guard, whom at full strength couldn't stop a changeling invasion, and their most advanced weapon is a spear.... Ponies are fucked.
And yes, space marines have been temporary allies with Xenos before, but the blood ravens have never done this.
why are they being wasteful of food? that not tactical if someone finds the bodies of the animals.
Is it Sindri or Eliphas?
Tyrannids or dark eldar?
Eldar.... They are best at being either true neutral or their intentions being misunderstood.