My name is Cameron. I am a musician, a writer, a singer, and a member of the band Bless Our Demise. My stories are mainly sad because I believe in expressing my emotions through stories...and songs.
Please close the door. I need to be alone for a little bit. You didn't do anything, I just need to be here for alone. If you want to stay, that's okay. I won't stop you, but don't be surprised for what I have to do.
Rated Everyone because of gentle acts. This story is focused on Fluttershy.
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I couldn't help it but I kept noticeing that fluttershy talks in a third person in her thought is this on purpose. Oh and there is a italic mark error is the paragraph were fluttershy tells the brown foal to watch over the animals but good story
Don't really need the comma.
Which is what? Icy-cool? Calm? Sharp and caustic? Maybe I don't know colour charts and could do with some background on this character I'm meant to be caring about for the next 2,000 words.
It generally helps to put thoughts in italics to differentiate from the prose sections.
Second time I've said this today, but the ponies aren't gangsta. You don't need the at.
Also, "... can be found," flows better.
Broken italic tag, as mentioned in the previous comment.
Reward.
With him. If you're referring to somepony else, you should specify (i.e. if it's her mom or something).
Our.
Not exactly a mistake or anything, but according to The Cutie Mark Chronicles, Fluttershy never saw the ground until she fell out of Cloudsdale, so you should probably specify that this is either a visit to the ground, or if there's some kind of park in Cloudsdale that has earth-dwelling animals in it.
Again, not a mistake, but unless they were both hardcore smokers, it's kinda weird they both got the same illness.
Wish. Hadn't.
Comma rather than a full-stop.
Other than that, a sweet story. Nice job.
4829673
Apparently I hadn't worked on this one. (I'm normally his proofreader.)
By the way, you used this thumbnail twice!
4829719
What thumbnail?
I really love this story. I can tell you that you put alot of thought into it, and its really creative. Great job
4829908 Thank you.
4829243 Thank you and sorry about what I said earlier.
4829673 Thank you for the tips.
4829719 Hi.
Adopt not adapt that would make more sense. The feels could be expounded upon just imagining a photograph doesn't translate well to a story. Maybe in a movie but not in writing. I am confused as to why they would both die to the same thing without a reason really. Maybe I skimmed over it, but you usually only get that one way. They didn't seem to have that habit either. (Purposefully trying to be vague here for spoilers.)
4832354 Well, to answer that question: cancer is a virus that can be genetically passed down. If I'm to put a simple answer in the next free time I get, it'll be cigarette. Because a cigarette is a key to cancer.
4829722
The thumbnail of Fluttershy with a tear down her eye.
I'm going to die because I smoke?
I'll die just like everyone else who dies then, oh well, my life, my rules. Impressive story, errors in it but it's detailed, I enjoyed it
4883110 Thank you.