Sir Hat
Joined 5th Jun, 2013 ·
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Sir Hat, why must you do these things to me?
Dammit Hat do you have any idea how many of your stories I've faved?
No, I'm seriously asking, 'cos I don't.
Also this story brings my total faves count to 500. Woo
.
Would love another chapter to this. It seems like an interesting tale to progress into a final 'climax' in a sense.
Yup. Hooked.
I thought i wasn't going to like this, oh how i was sadly mistaken.
An interesting story of a new creature type. I am intrigued. Do continue. Oh and I found this...tickld.com/cdn_image_content/177718.jpg
This is going to be fun.
*followers see new story*
38.media.tumblr.com/6976938f4b26f528cc7ca5dea124b991/tumblr_mwmnof9SMB1rk0k2jo1_500.gif
4929425
img4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120826133048/ponymondawndusk/images/b/b0/Oh-boy-here-we-go.jpg
4929485
No.
YUS! MOTHPONE!
4929503
Yes.
4929508
Maybe.
4929509
4929508
I suggest 69. Sadly this means I am left to watch.
4929297
Not really, no.
Mothponies have been around for way longer than this story.
There's been a thread on /mlp/ for about nine months now. And even before then, they were still a thing, but were much more obscure.
http://archive.heinessen.com/mlp/thread/S19505122 is the most recent one.
They started back in December, last year. I should know, I'm a contributor there.
4929528
Moth Pony thread representing?
I approve.
4929535
>Noticed by the author
Th-thanks...
...Just a question, though, did you know that the generals were a thing when you wrote this? Presumably so, but you can never tell who does and who doesn't, when a story such as this comes up.
4929556
I have been around a few odd threads or two. Satyr thread lurker reporting.
4929525
Oh hell naw.
Silliness aside, great prose as always Hat.
Your a smart man, Sir Hat. Use the character from your another story.
That chapter from Probe was damn funny. Yay for the Lightbringer!
4929525
But you're an upstanding black woman who don't need no man.
4929589
But if that's true, how will I cum inside you and moth pony!?
4929567
Ah, alright.
Just making certain. Credit where credit is due, I guess.
One last question that still plagues me; what made you decide to write a story with a Mothpony in it?
...Awkward phrasing on my part. I sound slightly judgmental. Not the case, I assure you. Speaking using only text can be very odd, in regards to meaning.
4929638
Not judgmental at all. And I'd link to the artist and point to threads but I'm not allowed to link to mature sites.
And I'm covering the bases, moth ponies, satyrs, bat ponies, ____ponies. I mean even this will have moth satyr!
4929645
Well, that's a load of rubbish, not being able to link to mature sites.
...Especially considering the site we're currently communicating through's rather mature content.
However, I do have a proposal; mention the artist and the thread.
You see, mentioning something is far different than actually linking directly to them. This way, you don't link anything (therefore staying within guidelines), and people still know who did what, in regards to art, or inspiration. It'd just take a bit of Googling around to find the person (or group, for that matter). Not a sure-fire way of making sure credit is given, but it's at least something.
...But you most likely already knew of this. I don't mean to sound condescending.
...Moth satyr? Well, that'll be something. I like satyrs well enough.
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Dude don't worry about sounding like an asshole. (Moth Thread is great ally) and there was no artist link. Just moth pony general.
4929735
Sorry. I have a great fear that I'll say one thing, mean one thing, yet I'll be taken in another way.
Ah, well, if there was no artist to be found, c'est la vie. It's alright.
Maybe tomorrow, I'll actually attempt some sort of productive critique of this chapter. Maybe I'll remember to do that. Maybe.
4929774
Eh, if I really wanted to critique this I'd do it myself. But feel free to if you want.
I just get bored and decide I want to see two things fuck, and eventually produce babi.
phillyshomes.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/meme-notbad-1.jpg
4929645
You should do something with plane ponies. Haven't seen any fics with those.
4929927 Check the curse yo. Everything is a pony there.
Hold on a sec and let me fave this real quick.
Its such a nice opening to a new story
i'm hooked.
more?
plz?
pretty plz?
There must be another chapter. Surely, Sir Hat, you wouldn't leave us hanging like this
Sir Hat, when was the last time you wrote a story where we didn't want more?
>Human
>jewplayingbaseball.png
So much D'aww!
That...was kind of sad. Vaguely melancholic in a way.
this is really nice, and i like it that she is not forcefull even if she want him to do more. She respected him and it is really nice that they can have a nice moment without expecting to much.
Is she half a moth? I like that, i hope if she get´s angry with him, that she that she....well i don´t like it if anyone get forced to do something, usually i have to say that in story which included Unicorns.
I like your story, it is really sweet till now. Can you tell me if they meet other ponys from ponyville to or do the story only play around the Everfree?
You fucking did it...
Anyways, this is interesting, and a little depressing too. Please continue it.
4931084
Cry some more?
Damn it Hat you've done it again
4931579 good job my kind sir
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mdm1agxFHI1r4dgde.png
4931722
Because someone has to, and I don't see you fucking horses.
4929788
Critiquing your own story? Nonsense! Why, the whole point of constructive criticism is to draw attention to the flaws a work has, and attempt to remedy them, for a better story all-around. A lot of the time, a creator will miss these sorts of things.
Of course, I'm not a grammar whiz by any stretch of the imagination. I can, however, point out the occasional misspelling or oddly-constructed phrase. All of this is objective, of course.
Right, then. Let's get to work.
In all of these particular instances, a comma is missing. It denotes a very important pause in the story, to help it flow properly, and read as if someone were actually there, telling you the tale in person. Otherwise, all the words just sort of run together in a very awkward-to-read mess.
Or, rather, that meant Zecora(...)
On cue, a soft tapping(...)
Most striking, however, was a pair of(...)
(...)gesturing for her to move to the side, which she promptly did.
It helps to read your words in a very monotone, unchanging voice, only pausing where a comma lies, to help catch these things. Embrace the comma. Serve the comma, and it will serve you.
Those examples are only from early on in the chapter. If I wanted to point out every single missing comma in a work, I'd be here all bloody day! And, in me pointing out everything that should be changed, you wouldn't learn at all from the exercise.
There, the issue regarding commas has been dealt with. Or, at least, has been mentioned.
The structuring on this sounds... Off. Perhaps the word 'when' should be a 'where', and the comma just after 'born' should be an 'and'. It just reads poorly. It's kind of hard to describe what I mean. The text sounds kind of 'jerky', if that makes sense. It may be the overuse of the conjunction 'where', or the use of a comma in the place of a simple conjunction (and) would suffice.
Those...barbaric little psychos are what happens without proper parenting, where you're born and plopped out into the world, and raised in the woods to not give any sort of(...)
The overuse of the word 'them' is somewhat grating.
*Action*ed them, *action*ing them and *action*ing them. I suggest varying how you refer to the cotton balls in this sentence. It helps to have a wide range of terms to allude to, so that the reader does not get irritated at repeating words or phrases. Plus, it's just good writing practice.
She let out a soft coo and pressed against the small bits of fiber, surrounding the cotton in her super soft short hairs, smothering them with warm flesh.
In addition, I'd like to point out that not much happened in this chapter. Not to the degree of which the multitude of comments here seem to advertise, at least. Honestly, not really grabbing my attention here. But, I suppose if I judged every story by it's first chapter, I really wouldn't have much to read.
It is imperative that the narrative hook does it's job. If the protagonist in the story starts off bored and describing how boring everything is, chances are, the reader will be bored as well. Though, this is heavy speculation on my part, and should not be taken as fact. It's your story, you do what you want with it. A thematic opening, just a single sentence, something that sets the whole tone of the story (i.e. "It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife."). Just a suggestion.
Well, I believe that's enough of that. I've made my critique, and I don't think I need to ramble on even more about literary terms or grammatical errors.
I don't claim to be an expert on these kinds of things. I do hope that I have at least helped you become a better author with this small (ha!) bit of critique, though.
you made this perfect...
i love this and its a one-shot
thank you