Closing Scene
It was raining, which was perfectly fitting for the occasion. Dysis only made a half-hearted attempt to listen to the officiator drone on about dust to dust and more bogus, trite pleasantries like that. None of that mattered now. Her mother was dead.
To be honest, though, it wasn’t entirely unexpected. After her father had died the previous year, her mother just hadn’t had the energy for life. It was as though a part of her had died as well, and now they had finally been reunited.
She stood in the rain. Everyone eventually left, leaving her alone in the rain with her confused, swirling feelings inside. Eventually, she had to leave. As she neared the edge of the lawn, Dysis looked back one last time… and froze.
Twilight Sparkle stood in front of her mother’s grave. Her head was bowed, her eyes were closed, her wings remained respectfully folded, and tears streamed down her face, visible even through the rain. Her mane and tail (now much longer than Dysis remembered) were soaked, showing that she had been present for a long time, likely for the whole ceremony.
Dysis had the distinct impression that she was intruding on something intensely personal and moved as though she were going to back away, but then froze as Twilight lifted her head, and lit her horn. A single white rose coalesced from the purple magic, and she caught it in her mouth and laid it respectfully and reverently on the gravestone.
Dysis looked down only long enough to wipe a tear from her own eye, but when she looked up again, Twilight Sparkle was gone. The rose, however, remained. It continued to remain throughout all the years to come. Every time Dysis visited the cemetery, the white rose had not disappeared or wilted.
Selene never did believe in magic, and believed that it was continually replaced by one of her many adoring fans.
Dysis knew better.
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Great story, and I know you probably just wanted to finish it as soon as you could, but it just feels.. Incomplete. This last chapter just leaves too much untold and it doesn't quite fit right.
I think I hit my feels quota for the year just from this ending.
Celestia, you're a complete idiot. Yeah, I get it, you don't want to leave your family to go back and be immortal, but maybe when you're *about to die* you can go back until you're recovered enough to live without the sun again. And then, you know. Go back. Since that's apparently a thing you can do.
I still wonder how you get pictures in your stories...
4954974
First, find a good picture.
Then right-click, copy image url (in Chrome at least).
Click the picture button, third from the right, and just paste the url in the box and click Add Image.
Or type [img] brackets around the url, like so: [img]http://fc04.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2014/194/a/3/magia_by_raikoh_illust-d7qi5pl.jpg[/img]
What a fantastic, heartwarming story. Thanks for writing it!
I believe this might be the single greatest feels fic I've ever read on this site.
This has left me with a tragically happy feeling that will last for some time, and for that I thank you author.
What a great story I haven't read something like this since my little dashie 1,2,3, and 4
If I was Luna I'd be pissed at getting left with Discord as her only eternal companion.
Honestly, I kind of wish I hadn't upvoted after the second chapter. I don't want to change to a down, but...
Edit: I guess I should give more context. I don't see what Celestia just did as anything other than committing complicatedly long suicide, which is why I don't think I can leave an upvote on a story where a character takes that action and everyone who knows what going on approves of it. Celestia didn't need to be left to die, she needed an intervention.
Don't know about anyone else, but I'd like to see some sort of continuation with her kids, or at least Dysis.
Well blast it all to hell... definitely not expecting this kind of ending after the previous chapter
The conclusion felt tad too short to my liking, but it's a good read nonetheless. Thank you for the memorable experience
4954951 idk. its pretty much better than what i did. at least he finished it. Im still procrastinating writing the mane six all at once in mine after a couple months...
An interesting idea but wow does Twilight change her opinion fast. Goes to sleep wakes up with everything being super ok. At least enough for her mane to stay in place and leave her mentor in another dimension to die of old age?
A few questions which makes this feel way too incomplete for me to like:
- What made Twilight suddenly so ok with leaving her mentor, especially considering how OOC that makes her?
- Why would Celestia EVER give up on Equestria. I mean she ruled alone for 1,000 years waiting for her sister just to ditch and give up 10 years later (plus another few to meet the guy) for some hot human stud? Surely she could have waited a measly 10 or 20 years to get back to Equestria.
- Why is Celestia totally not ok with abandoning her Husband, whom she has known for naught but a fraction of her over 1,000 year old life, but totally fine with abandoning her Sister (not forgetting Twilight & Cadence) whom she waited 1,000 years for her to return and be saved by the elements and has only been around for 10 years? Is Celestia really that fickle?
- Why is Luna totally fine with her sister effectively killing herself through old age?
This just has too many unanswered, important questions for me to leave a like on this, I wish you could remove like and not give dislikes but unfortunately there is just way too much OOC without explaination for me to leave my like there.
It had such a nice premise and I really think that you had such real potential to realise such a great idea but you've executed your story way too fast, and ended your story in a way that felt very rushed.
In short, Celestia feels like she just gave up after five minutes (especially considering how she felt about Luna in the moon) and screwed the first guy she came across that seemed nice while simultaneously breaking any and all emotional ties with Equestria citing "Well, they can get over it (but especially Luna)". Both Celestia and Twilight give up on things which should be more important in their lives too soon and most importantly, Luna is nowhere to be seen.
I'm not certain what to think or do it this case. I am for certain unfaving. I'm sorry I enjoyed the premise and I read the full story, but even after finding out Twilight risked her OWN life? After spending ten years doing nothing but look for her Celestia didn't even entertain the idea of going home where she was needed? Leaving Luna to slowly become more and more exhausted? Just FIFTEEN years or so after Luna had returned to her?
That is ridiculous. Children and husband or not Celestia would never NEVER abandon her ponies and especially not Luna or Twilight. And the worst? The very worst is she committed suicide. I don't care if it's written she died of old age she committed suicide by not returning to Equestria. And after all that Twilight was left alone there was nothing about Luna at the grave just Twilight who probably went on to suffer massive depression for the rest of her very long life.
So what do I do now? Do i change my like to a dislike or just leave it? I wish so very much I could just take my like back I need to think about this.
{Edit}
I am disliking i'm sorry.
If the dead in different dimensions can't visit one another, then I imagine that some several thousand-odd years from now ghost-Twilight is going to break through the afterlife's dimensional walls like Pinkie Pie through a thin barrier of cupcakes.
4954964
She just lost her husband a year previous. Her kids were grown and able to handle themselves. It's not altogether uncommon for someone who loses their spouse to also die. To also -want- to die. There are/were people who have literally died of heartbreak and nothing else. People who've wanted to be with a lost loved one so much that they simply stopped living. By this point she was old, and her children didn't need her anymore. Equestria didn't need her anymore.
This was for her, not anyone else - finally, a decision that was just for Celestia, not the princess, not the wife, not the mother. It wasn't stupid. It's never stupid when someone chooses where they lay down their head for the last time.
All these people complaining about giving up on Equestria don't seem to get it. You're all too caught up in your own views to try and look at it from the character's point of view.
Equestria has THREE princesses. One of which is the Empress of the probably-annexed Crystal Empire, but still an Equestrian national and thus royalty. Celestia is how many thousands of years old? She ruled for a thousand of them COMPLETELY ALONE IN THE WORLD. Luna has friends. She has eternal compatriots to rule with her (assuming the author doesn't buy into the 'Twilight and Cadence aren't immortal' thing) and she has possibly the best personality to be able to move on - also, she's the most likely to UNDERSTAND Celestia's decision. Celestia finally gets a chance to be normal. To love and raise a family and die. How many centuries could any of you stand before that was what you wanted? Probably only one. Two at the most. Well, she's thousands of years old. So is Luna. No doubt that in eons going forward, Luna'll find her own peaceful and happy retirement.
Because that's what happened. Celestia didn't abandon Equestria. Equestria, as said in this story, no longer needed Celestia. No one in Equestria still -needed- her, they just -wanted- her. Celestia has borne that crown for longer than anyone but Luna and Discord was alive to remember. She has sacrificed everything for constant work shaping the nation and the world she'd protected for enough time that mountains could have crumbled to dust. So she retired.
It's not abandonment. It's retirement. Or would you have shackled her back to her throne and guilted her into continuing a rule that was no longer necessary? How long would you have kept her chained to duties that did not require her to see completion? Another hundred years? Thousand? Ten thousand? All eternity? She's a person, not a machine. She has wants and needs for herself, her own personal worries and desires that she's sacrificed for longer than anyone can possibly ever comprehend appropriately.
It was time she got what she wanted. And Equestria was already safe and happy on its own with its rulers and guardians. So fuck off.
4956159
It was stupid. She had other family left. Heartbreak ends. Death is a tragedy that ought to be averted whenever possible. There was no reason she had to go back and resume ruling; she could have simply remained retired and taken up something else.
Rolling over and dying is dumb.
4954907
Since the beginning of time (or, at least, since I started writing) pacing has been my biggest problem, and you're definitely not the only one to notice that. One of these days I'll figure it out.
4954951
Your avatar is strangely fitting...
But yeah, see above.
4955172
That's... a valid point for Luna.
I can't really judge you; I've downvoted a story for the same reason. I wouldn't consider it suicide; but quite a few people have agreed with you so I might be mistaken.
4955618
Valid points, and I'll try to respond to them.
She wasn't ok with it--she says she'll probably never be ok with it--but eventually came to the conclusion that Celestia needed to stay. Once again, my pacing might need work.
She gave up on Equestria because she tried for years to get back and failed, and after a while she accepted it and mentally moved on. I guess she felt justified somewhat because she did give her life for her ponies, and now it was her time to do something for her; but during Twilight's accusations she did feel a little bit on the spot. I'd say her anger is more of a defensive mechanism; she knows Twilight has a point but she can't concede it.
I think it's more she's staying for her children than anything; mothers get extremely protective of their children. Is that response just handwaving? Yeah, probably; but it's the best I've got.
Luna is only semi-ok with it, after she finished raging for a while. I didn't write her scene because I wasn't sure exactly how to put it, but as I've thought about it, immortality is more of a curse than a blessing. Luna is only mildly pissed when she finds that Celestia is still alive and staying, because she feels like Celestia has abandoned her; but she knows that in the same situation, she'd probably make a similar choice.
Pacing is my biggest enemy. One of these days I'll get it right.
Thanks for the comment, though. I'm glad you took the time to think about my story and respond.
4955725
Psh. Don't apologize for having an opinion.
Sounds like 'good idea, sloppy execution' is a common response... One of these days.
I somewhat touched on those points earlier in this post.
My headcanon is Twilight is more skilled than Luna, even though Luna is more powerful. Maybe she couldn't make it. Maybe she came later. Maybe she was bitter and didn't want to come. Personally, I think Luna had accepted her sister's departure long ago (having lived so long, she knew the pain of loss) and wanted Twilight to have her own personal experience.
4955805
She totally would; but in my headcanon, pony afterlife is whatever makes you happiest. I'd say they get reunited on their own.
As for the other comments, thank you and I read them all. As much as this dialogue intrigues me, something tells me I might be sticking to simpler shipping after this.
I can't stop thinking this story needs a sequel or for that matter a prequel or even btter seprequel. But seriously I would love another story like this.
4956400
Agreed, it was truly a heart-warming story, but I don't think that a sequel would fit. On a related note, I loved the final chapter, the ending was perfect.
4956350
Yes. Simple shipping. Like Twixilunestia. Totally simple, yep.
Thank you for not over complicating this. The ending was perfect and the thing w the rose...
Twilight thought about her options, did the math, and realized that best case scenario she'd have to drag Celestia back alone who would then want nothing to do w twilight or any other pony. Remember people she spent 10 years stuck in that world. She had giving up trying to get back and had made the new world her home.
It's hella hard to abandon your home.
It might be interesting to bring the daughter that believes in magic to Equestria for a story. Have her discover and explore her mothers history as an all powerful ruler and spend time with her pony sister Twilight. After all they were both raised buy Celestia.
Surprised Dysis didn't go back with Twilight. She would have loved seeing Equestria, and it would have been like bringing back a little piece of Celestia even if she would be pretty old at that time.
x2.fjcdn.com/comments/Many+good+fillies+and+colts+were+lost+on+this+day+_11a059b866301096b0ad3cce07c4bfc9.png
sorry man you screwed up the ending. You tried to go through it too fast. Sadly I now have to give it a thumbs down. Excellent idea but badly ended.
4956350 I'd love to see you rewrite the story with a lot more pacing and some of these answers in them.
- "but eventually came to the conclusion that Celestia needed to stay." - How, Twilight knows but since this is the focus of the story not only does the reader need to know why, but for it to truly be a success the reader needs to feel that reason too.
- "years to get back and failed" - This is one of the hardest points for me to accept, in the show you see her still visibly upset at losing Luna, and how glad she is of Twilight that she returned Luna to her. I don't see how someone who could wait 1,000 years 'alone' for her sister to return could give up after 10 or 20 years. It just doesn't feel right. Sure I can understand putting your attempts on hold, but upon seeing Twilight return you'd at least expect to see Celestia have a strong feeling for returning home.
- "Twilight's accusations she did feel a little bit on the spot" - But they should be very expected, I'm willing to put her new vocal stylings up to the fact that she is no longer ruling a nation and instead a caring mother but I still feel that Celestia snapping at Twilight was a little uncalled for.
- "she's staying for her children than anything" - This is understandable, but I feel you should have given the reader more time to build a connection between Celestia, the kids, the husband and themselves. Things like why it would make no sense to uproot them from the human world should have been made visible. I'm sure Dyssi would have loved to go to Equestria if she was asked.
- "but she knows that in the same situation, she'd probably make a similar choice." - She has technically been in the same situation, of at least feeling abandoned by her world (and being locked in a moon) she didn't 'give up' but tried control.
Thanks yourself for taking the time to respond! Like I said before I think you've got some really nice ideas in this story of yours but they just need more fleshing out. Regardless, Thanks for taking the time to write a story for us to read! I hope my comments were not too harsh and were at least fairly helpful.
As much as I love this story...to see it end so abruptly is heartbreaking....
Some people will like this kind of ending, others will hate it.
I for one would love to see it rewritten and developed into a much bigger much longer story because the Idea has extreme potential to be an absolute gem.
Have Twi spend longer at Celestia's house, have Celestia and Twi visit each other, a reunion between the other characters and Celestia, allow Celestia to have her family and live in the human world without never seeing her old world again.
Another thing you could do would be to have her kids learn her secret somehow. Come on that would be a great story. Their reactions and trying to uncover the truth about their mom. I would love to read that. Someone please do it.
There is just so much that could be done with what you have here, to see it not be used more would just be tragic.
So Celestia forgot about her sister and left her alone in Equestria? Celestia loves her sister. She would return to her.
And it's nonsense that her long live is conected to sun. How would that work? Sun is pretty far from planet.
Her long life originate from the big pool of magic that's inside her. If the magic originated from sun she would't be able to pass it on Twiligh in last episode.
I bet her children would be very happy if they knew she is alive in Equestria. But no she dies and makes them unhappy. What a mother.
And Twilight is like her child and she abndons her but doesn't want to leave her grown children?
So there are milions of ponies that are like her children and would be very happy if she returns. Her siter would be very happy. Twilight would be happy. Her children would be happy knowing she is still alive. And she decides to die.
I think she wouldn't even became alicorn with atitude like that.
I bet Twilight woul come back for her after her children were mature enough. She wouldn't be able to resist.
I loved this story, I wonder tho if you'll ever make a sequel of Celestias' life in this new world
You could have ended it on the previous chapter. You could have left it at the happily ever after.
But no, you had to invoke THE FEELS.
YOU JERK THIS IS WHAT YOU MADE ME DO novembrepleut.files.wordpress.com/2014/04/yougotmeop-rightinthefeels_07cd144148021d7b97d3cf41a60ffb3a.jpg
4957355 Actually there are very strong indications that the "sun" in Equestria is not actually a star but a second moon which is magically aflame. Basically the idea goes that the real sun died out a long time ago invoking the long winter, but unicorns were able to keep the world alive by igniting one of their planet's moons to use like a sun. So Equestria is on a rouge planet drifting through space with it's "sun" and moon held to it by magic.
4956350
So putting two and two together, the pony afterlife involves the cessation of existence? Or equivalently, there is no afterlife for most ponies? If you disagree, you might consider why you think that living forever after death is good while living forever before death is bad.
Let me start by saying that this is a really good story, and I enjoyed it greatly.
But... it also, to me, felt like it could have used at least another thousand words or two, and probably more like five. Really, it comes down to how it feels to the reader that Celestia still has only just left, which makes her desire to stay seem more than a little jarring. Personally, if I had to wager a reason for her to be like that, it would do with the fact that, while she did wait a thousand years for her sister, it was a thousand years of an immortal lifespan. While she "only" spend 10-20 years trying to get home, it was 10-20 years of a normal human lifespan. It's not that far of a stretch for those twenty years to feel much longer to her. But nowhere in your story do you even hint at this being the case, nor any other explanation for it. I suppose you really have more or less addressed this in your post above, and there are already a quite significant number of comments regarding it, but I felt that I should add my own two cents into the mix.
Regardless of this, you have managed to make a very well-made story here. I can't for the life of me recall what the specific genre is called, but it is a good example of a tragedy story that focuses more on what was spent in vain than what was lost. Now that I think about it, a Tragedy tag might be more fitting than the Adventure tag you already have, since everything that one might call adventure is really just the investment that makes the ending tragic.
There's also the chapter with Spike and the french fries. While it's certainly fun to read, and too short to move to its own story, I really have to recommend that it be removed from the story, possibly to be put into a blog post. It's basically the exact opposite of the tone you want for the denouement of a tragedy, and doesn't flow well either out of the previous chapter or into the next.
But in the end, I do stand by my like and favorite of the story. If the site still used the star-based rating system I'd have given it 4/5.
4960335
There's a reason tragedy isn't a genre I write often.
Tag added. That might have saved some expectations, really…
I like the lifespan thing. I hadn't thought of that in those terms. I think I'm going to add that in during their conversation in the garage. Thanks for that.
The Spike fries scene is prolly going to stay, though, only because I'm not good at taking things too seriously.
4/5 sounds about fair. Thanks for your comment!
I think I'm going to elaborate a little so my original post isn't so reactionary.
I totally buy Celestia staying for an extended period. She has children there, and so forth.
But I don't buy that she loves one person so much that when that person dies, she gives up the ghost as well. She has her children. She has her sister back in Equestria. She has Twilight and Cadance, and even if the latter two are not immortal - I think that was left vague - Luna was somepony she schemed for 1,000 years to save. More than anypony, Luna is important to her, and the idea that she could be supplanted in Celestia's heart by a mere mortal - I cannot buy it. Perhaps when Celestia believes getting home is impossible, she would have mourned her sister, but when Twilight proves that is not the case?
There's nothing tying her forever to Earth. She has the ability to fake her death if so inclined. Or, given her power level, once her children are grown, nothing's to stop her from returning home and if need be, visiting Earth to see them once every few months to a year.
The only way I would buy Celestia dying on earth is if it were a fatal accident of some sort before she could choose to come back - but even that would feel cheap.
A fitting, if poignant, end to the tale. I, for one, shall be leaving my star and green thumb in place.
4956215 Well said.
Good thinking from 4961202, as well. Keep in mind, however, that, in this universe, Celestia's power is tied to Equestria's sun; by the end of her life, she likely would have had little left. It's also hinted that her memories of Equestria may already have started fading; this process would surely have accelerated as the last wisps of her immortality evaporated. She may very well have been willing to go back to Equestria by the end, but, personally, I believe she would neither have come up with the idea herself, nor had the power required to act upon it.
I think this snippet from chapter 3 is relevant:
She's already moved on. Equestria has proven, in her mind, that they can survive - thrive, even - without her. She's at peace with that. She can finally relax and retire, after more than a millennium of service. She's already lived a full life. She's lived dozens of full lives. She has no compelling reason to be dissatisfied.
I think she's earned the right to close her eyes one last time...
4963775
It's philosophical, in many ways. I just take issue with anyone giving up on life when they have a free ticket to continue onwards.
If Twilight had of just thought to use a time spell to go back and get Celestia when she first arrived, a lot of the sadness (e.g. Celestia's death) could have been prevented. I'm honesty suprised she never thought about that. Especially after her previous experience with time travel...
The feelings.
Ok...hear me out, because this comment is going to be long, and sorta angry at parts. But before I begin I need to make it clear that I mean no disrespect to the author. I'm sure they're nice. I just didn't like their story.
It's taken me a couple days to work out all the problems I have with this story, and here they are, in more or less chronological order:
1) The basic premise. The idea that two combat spells when combined managed to produce an entirely different and incredibly specific result is ridiculous. I get that in science weird things can sometimes happen, that in, let’s say chemistry, that when two chemicals are mixed you get what on the surface looks like an entirely unrelated result but there is an explainable connection. But that’s not what happened here, that would be if two different fireball spells collided and instead of fire going everywhere ice did. It’s weird, but I can kind of buy it as a sort of unexpected chaotic aftereffect. This is like mixing two chemicals and them starting to form a solid and that solid forming into a small statue of Jesus playing the violin. It’s just TOO specific. I could have bought it if, say, Sombra was trying to escape with a teleport spell and Celestia’s spell interacted with it. Still weird but a lot more plausible.
2) Why does Twilight believe Celestia was teleported? Even if she was grief-stricken and grasping for straws, there has to have been something that convinced her. It was enough to convince her to spend 15 years of her life working on a spell but not enough to convince anyone else? She says spells shouldn’t have vaporized her like that, is she wrong or has everyone else in Equestria just forgotten that? We, from a Meta standpoint, know she’s right, but how does she? Furthermore, the story seems to weave this weird balance between her having enough evidence to recreate the spell but all of it can in no way prove to anyone else that she’s right?
3) Sombra dies by getting hit by a truck. Just….no. The story starts with Sombra fighting Celestia. We’ve seen the kind of power Celestia and those on her level can dish out, plus that ponies in general can take a lot of punishment. The idea that Sombra can hold his own in a fight against Celestia, but fall to a truck? No. If you had established that Twilight felt inexplicably weaker here than Equestria I could buy it, but not like this.
4) This next one is a little more contentious, because it’s a problem I also have with EQG which is technically canon. Celestia disappeared in the Crystal kingdom, far to the north of Equestria. Twilight replicated the spell, cast it in what is implied to be her home, so Ponyville, far away from the empire and yet somehow ends up within walking distance of not only where Celestia arrived, but also where she now lives? What are the odds of that? The spell is not only weirdly specific but also apparently tied to this one patch of road. Hell, chances are she would be more likely to appear in the middle of an ocean. I know why from a Meta standpoint. Having Twilight arrive far away from Celestia would talk to long to write before they got together, but it doesn’t make it any less weird.
5) Celestia just gave up. This really bothered me. Twilight was able to recreate the spell in 15 years. Celestia, despite being significantly older and wiser than Twilight, knowing exactly what spell she was using, seeing the spell Sombra was using, and knowing roughly the angles they were going at each other, was unable to replicated that and just gave up? That’s leagues more information that Twilight had at the start. Furthermore, if Celestia was trying for ten years, then given that Selene seems older than 5 that seems to imply Celestia was still trying to get home even after she had had a child. Kinda weakens her whole ‘I have a family now’ argument. Also, all she ever says is; I cast spell after spell, but we never got any specifics, why did she stop? were the spells dangerous? is there some fundamental aspect of this world that prevented her from doing so (magic is different so she couldn’t run tests or something)? I needed something more, otherwise her just saying that comes across as contrived. Hell, that would have been a MUCH better way to introduce Richard. Celestia, (having turned herself into a human to help hide herself) continues to try to get home. She tries a spell she is sure will work and is badly injured, and teleported somewhere unknown. She is found and rescued by Richard who takes her to a hospital. He saved her life, yadda yadda, she was too scared in her now mortal body to risk it again until she was absolutely certain it would work (something Twilight evidently didn’t care about).
Hell, the fact that Twilight showed up proves that its possible. Why wouldn't she (working with Twilight) try and find a way to bring the whole family back. Because heaven forbid Celestia make her family live in a castle in a land of magic.
6) Celestia has children biologically. Again, this is also a problem with EQG, but why would Celestia find a human male attractive? It’s just not something I get.
7) Richard is a nice guy. Seriously, that is ALL he is. A big, blank, nice guy. As a character he seems to exist solely to make it harder for Twilight to ask Celestia to leave. I mean, without describing him physically, can you actually describe his personality?
8) Those last two points lead me less to a gripe with the story and more of a ‘what could have been’. Imagine if her children hadn’t been biological. Celestia had made herself into a financially secure author, and decided to adopt children, because she’s always been maternal but just isn’t physically attracted to human males. Imagine how, it a bunch of small ways, that makes the dynamic between Celestia and Twilight more complicated
T: They're not even your children!
C: I raised them, they are as much my children as any biological child. I wont abandon them.
T: You helped raise me and you don't seem to have a problem abandoning me!
9) The spell combination being dangerous. That just makes the whole thing more ridiculous and seems to serve only as a contrived way of stopping Twilight from just bringing all of them back.
And now the big one. The funeral scene. I want to make something abundantly clear. I’m not opposed to emotional stories. But I absolutely LOATH stories as emotionally manipulative as that funeral chapter is. Why? Because it makes no sense from a narrative standpoint, it actually makes the emotional moments of previous chapters weaker just by existing and exists solely to try to make us sad. Let me break down why.
It’s pretty clear that this isn’t just Dysis visiting her mother’s grave. No, this is her funeral. Any Twilight is there. There are two ways that she got there:
1) Twilight cast the dangerous spell again, well, technically twice or
2) She had since developed a stable teleportation method
If 1, then she’s an idiot, because she ran the risk of her own death, robbing Equestria of another princess, something she railed against Celestia for, all to get closure she already got. Think about it, she already said goodbye to Celestia, and it such a way that made it clear this was probably the last time they would meet, and she knew Celestia was a mortal and would die. They already had their final goodbye. It was a much more powerful scene. Twilight was, at that moment, more or less saying goodbye to a dead person walking. And the scene when she returns showed that while she wasn't OK, she could move on eventually. But no, she didn't move on, because decades later she does a stupid and dangerous thing to get the closer she already got. It was a step back character-wise
If 2, then that raises even more problems. When did she create it? If it was long enough ago why didn’t she use it to bring the whole family though? If it was after Celestia died, well that is a really narrow time-frame for Twilight to have had a breakthrough and comes across as contrived.
Furthermore, how did Twilight know Celestia was dead? How was she there just in time to attend her funeral? Either she lucked out and happened to show up after she was dead but soon enough to attend the funeral, or she was there before she died and waited around, which doesn’t make sense because if she was there when Celestia was alive why didn’t she just take her and her alone back (assuming no stable teleport) so that Celestia would be immortal again. Either way she wasn’t going to see her kids again but at least this way there is the chance she could
Also, now that they’re older, don’t the kids deserve to know the truth about their mother? That she was actually a great leader of a country, one that led said country to an era of peace and prosperity? Also, doesn’t Luna deserve a change to get to know her nieces and vice versa?
Also, if Twilight HASN’T developed a stable method…well why the hell not? She’s had decades, and we know that Starswirl created magic to allow relatively stable travel between realities. You’re really telling me that there was NO way to create a stable method?
And…and…and…a whole bunch of other things I could nit-pick, but to be honest these were the major ones.
It’s not that I hated this story. To be honest I was just ambivalent towards it for the most part. It came across as a story where everything felt just that tiny, little bit contrived in order to railroad the story into maximum sadness and it ruined my ability to connect to the emotions of the story.
But that funeral chapter just crossed a line for me and I had to comment. Sorry if parts of this don’t make sense. It’s late at night and I’ve kind of just vomited all this up.
And really, I don’t mean any offense. That last chapter annoyed me, but I don’t want the author to take this as some personal slight (trust me, I’ve had that happen, and for markedly less than this) either way, I fully expect to get thumbs down for this.
4966124
In her last experience with time travel, she found one spell that let her go back once, and all she ended up doing was ensuring that what she was trying to avoid would happen anyway. Sure, she did technically create an ontological paradox when she told herself where the spells were; but she didn't end up changing anything. I think she would have not tried time travel because of how ineffective it was the first time.
4967026
If you do get a thumbs down, it's not from me. I find it flattering that you've taken the time to think about my little story that long, and I appreciate the fact that you took the time to set your opinions in order. I don't think I'll have a satisfactory answer for every point, but I'll try to respond as best I can.
1) Twilight says in chapter one that the spells' impact must have ripped a hole in the fabric of time and they were pulled through (that should say space-time and I'll fix that). I kindof hoped that would be explanation enough; I'm really not a physicist and that sounded technobabble-y enough to me.
and if you find someplace that does sell those statues, I would totally want to see one.
2) Twilight says that Celestia's energy signature couldn't have just been obliterated like that. Twilight is fairly stubborn, and tends to maintain her position even under mounting evidence unless it's presented in a way she likes (like Pinkie Sense). Not many ponies would understand enough about magic readings to know what she was talking about; I think most would assume she's just a bit mad with grief. After fifteen years of failures, most have assumed she's never going to succeed, and even if she had been right, surely after fifteen years there's no point in waiting.
3) …yeah, I know. I even lampshaded it a bit; but in my defense those ponies are small and the farming trucks are huge—I specified six wheels, which means it's a dually (two tires on each side on the rear axle) and those trucks are usually class 3 and weigh from 10,000 to 14,000 pounds (so we're talking five to seven tons). Even if he was only going thirty five miles per hour (and no one I know drives the speed limit late at night), that's still quite the impact.
In comparison, the upright piano that hit Twilight in Feeling Pinkie Keen probably weighed around three hundred pounds.
4) Technically, she was in Canterlot; but you're right. I can't justify her fortuitous arrival there.
It gets better when you think that the farm Celestia landed nearby is by necessity far from the city where she currently lives. Plain text doesn't lend itself to traveling montages very well. 
5) This is a very valid point, and I have no real answer to it except 'apparently I can't math'. But since Selene and Dysis both have meaningful names, I don't think she ever forgot.
I was writing Twilight's story, not Celestia's; but this point has (justifiably) come up often enough that I might need to write a side-story with her perspective to try and patch it up.
6) As a human male, sometimes I wonder what any female finds attractive in us.
But seriously. Canon xenophilia everywhere and I have no justification besides I wanted her to have two children for the reason above.
7) You got me here, too. I can't really justify this, either. To be honest, I was somewhat afraid of sounding like a self-insert and also wanted to avoid complaints that no one is good enough for Celestia (in the first draft, I didn't even have her husband; but then decided that that would just be a bigger mess).
8) That really would have changed the whole dynamic. I don't think I could have justified their names if she had adopted, but that would have been interesting to see.
9)
no stop being right about everythingThe funeral scene exists mainly because of a prereader's suggestion. I have approximately the emotional range of a teaspoon, so I thought it was a touching gesture in memory of a great pony and left it at that.
They probably would. Selene would probably pull a Susan from Chronicles of Narnia, but Dysis would love to know. And Luna just got the short end of the stick everywhere in this story.
Maybe there is. Maybe there was. Maybe Celestia and Twilight had another argument before her death. I'm starting to think there are a few too many holes in this to just walk away now. Then again, if I were really good at this whole writing thing, I'd probably be writing more than just fanfiction.
Thanks again for the comment.
Your good writing style really pulled me into this story, but I felt like I constantly got yanked out again by something that didn't quite make sense in my mind. As a result, I still feel quite conflicted about this...
4967026 Thank you for your summary! This is just how I felt about this.
That was a really nice short and touching story. Super interesting.
Guess there were a few more baby chapters left. Like I said previously, I enjoyed the fic. But losing Celestia to old age and grief hits me wrong. Disappointed in how it ended, but it was a good ride.
You know, looking back at this story, I kinda really want a sequel where Twilight develops a safe transport spell and reveals the truth to Selene and Dysis and takes them back to Equestria. Cause A) that's totally what would happen, and B) it would be awesome
Before I say anything else I want this to be clear.
This was an excellently written story. I am not criticizing your story, I'm criticizing the idea and the characters.
OK WHAT THE HAY!!! REALLY CELESTIA? let's see how you are at the wrong here.
-Luna will be fine without me... Last time I checked, you were waiting a thousand years for her to come back, full of mourning and loneliness. Now you leave her to live a mortal life. One where you WILL die and leave her alone for all eternity. You have gotten her back with time, she will NEVER get you back. What a sister.
-Equestria will be fine without you, yes. But you make it great. Equestria has poultry politics in comparison to this land? Probably this world is full of jerks. You know the ones you have prevented to make a simple and happy nation?
-You worked 15 straight years to find me and bring me back to the world where my only family, and friends, nation of a responsibility are? One where I have lived in for over one thousand years building and living? Well sorry, i'm staying with this family I met a few years ago. I'm going to abandon you all for this family.
-Oh you sacraficed your life for the nation now your done? DON"T YOU THINK THEY'LL BE HAPPY WHEN YOU COME BACK!?!? THEY FREAKING LOVE YOU AND YOU LEAVE THEM!!!
I've read fanfics where Celestia make the dumbest and unnecesarry of sacrifices. Those are the ones where she deserves to be a little selfish. This is one is out of proportion. She has made the most selfish, idiotic, and illogical decision.
If I were in Twilight's position, I would have called Celestia out for such selfishness. If she stayed?
To Tartarus with her for such betrayal.
If she came back, she would leave a man and two kids for an ENTIRE NATION, ONLY SISTER, AND OTHER TWO DAUGHTERS (Twilight and Cadence)
Sure, I cried. This I'll admit, but my tears are of anger that Celestia made a bad, wrong, and betrayal of a decision.
I'm sorry I just hate it when people make Celestia stupid.
Forget the canon inconsistencies. Forget how Robert was a Gary Stu. Forget how some of the initial human world interactions were uninteresting and bordered on awkward humor. Forget the fact that King Sombra's death was a slap-stick joke in the middle of an otherwise-serious tale. Forget some of the tonal inconsistencies and Celestia's rather shallow justification for abandoning her sister and her subjects.
If you can forget all that, you can see where this story really shines: its exploratory nature, cute tone, and those small moments that make this short story worthwhile. It's a lightweight popcorn fic of an emotional journey, though perhaps "french fries fic" would be more appropriate.
Your literary style helped the light-hearted tone of the story. Most of your writing was brief and unsophisticated, which made reading rapid and easy. There was enough detail to understand what was going on, and it left much to the imagination. You could convey a lot of emotion with very little text, and and the Closing Scene demonstrated that beautifully, no picture necessary.
The plot itself was simple, and admittedly left much to be desired in some respects; the other comments have done an admirable job of covering what could have been improved. I have my issues with how some scenes played out (check the first few sentences of this comment), but I adored how other scenes did too. Twilight's note to Spike, Dysis's comment about magic, and the funeral were all fantastic little scenes which made the fic memorable.
And this story is light-weight and easy to pick up. In a writing environment where 52 chapters and 150,000+ word novels seem to be the norm, it's great to have a fic like this which can deliver adventure and emotions in just over 10,000 words.
Truthfully, this story seems almost out of place in today's post-EQG FIM fiction climate. Cutesy, hypothetical, post-canon, ponies-on-Earth fics were somewhat more prevalent back during Seasons 1 and 2. That was when things were still fresh and new, and fic writers were willing to explore the light hearted possibilities without getting tangled on intricacies of canon, whether imposed or invented. This story poses a simple, "What If" scenario, then takes us on a brisk walk down its path.
I enjoyed this story quite a bit, perhaps because I could overlook the minor flaws and appreciate the minor details. The story may have been relatively unsophisticated and flat at times, but it was short, sweet, and delivered impressively in the "feels" department. Reading through it feels like a youthful summer day, filled with moments of lazy fun and thoughtful reflection. I, for one, enjoyed the exploratory tale that is, "The Sun Won't Come Home".