The latest edition in the Power Ponies series is one that everypony's been waiting for. Crystalline Calamity.
The tale is focused around the Mane-iac attempting to seize a crystal with an otherworldly power tucked away inside. After grabbing the crystal from its' pedestal, she is confronted by the Power Ponies once more.
She tries activating the crystal to see what it does, seeing as there's nothing better for her to do in this situation, but the crystal has a very... intriguing power once it's used.
Now the 7 of them have wound up in Equestria, all of them youthened by the aftermath of the crystal's power. Yet for some reason, Mane-iac came out as a filly, whilst the other ponies came out as foals.
Lost, frightened, and with nowhere to go, Spike brings the 7 of them to Princess Twilight, who is more than happy to care for them in their time of need.
The picture comes from an artist called Beavernator. He's pretty famous for his foal pictures and foal comics. Check him out when you have the time, though you might just see him on Equestria Daily's comic panel if you're lucky.
The picture....
derpicdn.net/img/view/2014/4/1/590417__safe_solo_twilight+sparkle_princess+twilight_derp_heart+attack_artist-colon-dm29_emblem_julian+yeo+is+trying+to+murder+us_diabeetus.png
Yay!
and on that day...7 ponies contracted diabetes and 2 got a heart attack: means of contraction....cuteness overload.
I like the idea here, but I have two complaints.
First, you really should spell out numbers, especially when they're as small as these ones. It's a small thing, but it really bugs those of is who care about grammar.
The second one is a bigger issue. You're making Spike way too stupid here. You even say that he was expecting something to happen when he read the fine print, so he really should be suspicious when a bunch of ponies show up out of nowhere. Especially since he should be able to recognize the Power Ponies' outfits, unless they've somehow changed or something. But even then, he has no excuse for not figuring out who Hair Raiser is after she picked them up with her hair. Spike's not an idiot. He should be able to figure these things out.
4810229 1: You only glanced at the cover of the story
2: There were other fics that did this not knowing until later scheme. One of them being "Fluttershy's Pet Breezie" where Dash (with some help from Zecora) transformed herself into a Breezie, to avoid the frenzy of weather desperate ponies. Also, she did it because Twilight kept that spell under lock and key.
4810229 that, and I think Spike has been taking things a little too seriously as of Season 4.
Remember Friendship Is Witchcraft? Such ignorant bliss which makes Spike seem awesome.
That and he's treated like shit in every FIW episode, including Seed No Evil (One Bad Apple)
naaaah i like it , maybe to short to tell how good it really is, but i understand if you had not enough time.
I definitly read more.
4810285
I'm not entirely sure what you're trying to say. Are you accusing me of criticizing this story solely based on the cover art? Because I assure you, I did read the chapter.
I haven't read that fic, but that's not the point. Even if other stories have done it, that doesn't mean you should. Because at least in this story, it doesn't work. If the plot of your story relies on intelligent characters acting like idiots or missing the obvious for narrative convenience, then you should probably rethink things.
And while Friendship is Witchcraft is funny, it is in no way canon, and you should not be writing your characters like they were portrayed there. At least, not if you want this to be an even vaguely serious story.
I don't know what you're planning to do with this story, but I think that a few changes would fix these plot holes and improve the story. For example, after Mane-iac and the Power Ponies show up, the comic could disappear and erase Spike's memory of ever buying and reading it. Then he would have no reason to suspect their identities, even if he does notice the similarities. Or you could change this to an alternate universe where the "Power Ponies" episode never happened, or where this is an alternate way the episode could have gone. Then Spike could think that they do look like the comic book's characters, but but it would be easier to just chalk it up yo coincidence.
4810392 Personally, Spike doomed himself in Equestria Games. After that, I saw no respect for him at all.
He completely butchered himself when he tried singing the Cloudsdale Anthem, and after that. I was done, Spike is dead to me. He deserved Tirek's wrath in the Finale.
That, and Equestria Games was a shite episode for one with a 3-episode buildup.
>he's pretty famous , enough to mention by name , but not enough for me to put a link to his accounts....
4810409
Spike´s main role was to be the only sane dragon in Ponyville, and the voice of reason. Yet in the few episodes centered on him, the writters decided to drop his I.Q below 0
this intrigues me, you have earned a fave and a like...also a moustache
What are you blathering about? This has plenty of errors, not to mention horrid pacing.
Interesting.
Other authors have used, are using, and will use the excuse "I'm on an iPad/iPhone/Android Device to explain the horrid grammatical mistakes they've made. You, on the other hand, assert that the trend is actually the other way around...
Alas, I must agree with 4810229 on his two points: typing small numbers out (numbers twenty or under, usually) is grammatically preferable to writing the number itself. There is also no believable way that Spike was unaware of who the newcomers really are, as he just read the comic, and it was right there next to them. Most superhero comics have pictures of the heroes and villains on their front.
What is it with you and Ponies going back in time age-wise?
4810409
So you hate Spike, and yet you're writing a story with him as the main character? Well that's not giving me much confidence in this fic. It would be one thing if you were going to write this story with the objective of redeeming him in your eyes, that would be one thing, but it certainly doesn't look like that's your goal.
Umm... Spike just asked a random group of foals if they would like to live with him. If they said they had no where else it would be fine but he just offers them without even asking if they already have a home. I know its probably not what you meant but that is very creepy to me.
Also I can't wait to see how the mane 6 handle the power fillies. I am curious though, are they still colored like the mane 6?
4811473 I probably won't do anymore until I get home on Monday. But just be sure to stay tuned.
4810409
...I'm willing to give this story a chance I really am. I like the idea of it and it's cute. However, please consider very carefully about how you are going to continue. You say you hate Spike but clearly you are planning to have him as a main character...
I hope you can put aside your hate for him during your writing. Upvote and tentative Favorite.
Every its' (with an apostrophe) needs to lose the apostrophe. The word it just its if it is possessive, and it's if it's a contraction for "it is." Apostrophe after an S is only used for a plural possessive, which "it" can never be, and even then only for possessives that would be apostrophe-S if singular.
Also,
gem
Interesting story, I like the concept, but don't rely too heavily on automated spelling/grammar checkers. Get another person (or multiple) to look over it as well. (If you don't know anyone who does that, I'm offering.)
Edit: First paragraph: "powerful" should probably be "most powerful", the comma before "Deep" should be a period, and you can probably ditch the comma after "jungle".
4815261 you haven't seen the Futurama episode where Leela gets obsessed with killing a space whale, haven't you?
4815631
Can't say I have, no. Or if I have, can't say I remember it.
Interesting, I think I shall keep an eye on this story
If there's one thing people can't stand, it's making one of the main characters look like a downright idiot. Especially Spike in this situation, given his experience with these enchanted comic books.
Like that other guy said, change things so it doesn't come across as insulting. You want us to accept this bullshit justification for Spike not realising who those ponies are? How about no?
i think the one holding it, would fit better. saying person slightly deters the reader, since person means a human, not a pony. also, you used numbers in place of words. i've learn from personal experience that that can throw a reader off as well.
there should have been a " before she said.
also, how is spike not realizing who the filly and foals are? Pretty sure twilight will realize who they are, and she's only experienced the power ponies that one time.
other than those few gripes, i like what's going on so far. i will mark this to read later. can't favorite quite yet. have to wait and see where this goes.
4811473 He was meaning stay until they can find a real home like if they were lost
Yes Twilight remembers. DISASTER AVERTED
4835936 until shy hearted has a temper tandrum
4836150 Ohhhhhhh... Shit
Uggghhhh...This story doesn't seem to be getting any better.
You do realize that local governments exist in Equestria, right? And it would be very odd if they didn't exist in the Power Ponies universe.
Now you're contradicting yourself.
And that letter is pretty bad.
Even if that is their title now, that is not how Twilight would address a letter to her friends. It's way too formal. Try something like "My dear friends." Or if you really want to keep it that way, at least get rid if the parentheses.
First of all, I can't really see Twilight referring to Spike as her colleague, especially in a letter to her friends. Second, They all know who Spike is. She doesn't need to describe him to them.
This letter also brings up the second-biggest problem with this chapter. And that is that Twilight doesn't ask her friends to take care of these foals, she just tells them that it's what they're going to do. She's only been a princess for what, a few months? And she's already massively abusing her power. And against her friends too.
But the biggest problem with this chapter is that for the first half of it, you just use Twilight as a massive infodump. What was the point of Spike not figuring out who the kids were if Twilight was going to tell him immediately. I had assumed that you made Spike not figure it out because you didn't want anyone to figure out who they were for a few chapters. But since everyone immediately figured it out here, all you've done is make Spike look like an idiot for no real reason.
Plus, there's the fact that Twilight should not know everything she says about the Kids? How does she know what they do and don't remember?
For now, I'm still reading this story because I know that the idea is great and the story could be fantastic, but I'm rapidly losing interest.
good chapter but a little rough on Rainbow Dash eh Twilight?
I bet Pinkie can totally keep up with her new speedy Child
I think Twilight can´t tell Rainbow how to act arround her foal, eryone got her own way....but i think she only said that Rainbow had to get one.
Hairraiser maybe act a bit prepared, but somehow it fit her well enough.
All in alli think i like the new chapter much, i think the focus should be on Hairraiser since she can make the most things, being already a filly an such. I am interessted at how they act in the new chapters, maybe Twilight noticed that the mother thing is something she iked and i want her parrents to see it.
My biggest complaint aside from what 4836659 said is having Twilight break out the "you call me mom now" It's very off putting for me. Keep trying though, the only way to get better is to keep trying.
led
addition
hoof
capitalize Honest, also this entire part probably uses her name too much when pronouns would do.
off
Please don't take this badly, I post corrections like this because I like this story and want others to be able to enjoy it and not get turned off by errors (as I know some people do.)
Don'treadthiscomment.ilovethisstory.Youareonlywastingyourtime.
Wait. Sister?
And Rarity just happens to already have room set up to be a nursery?
Rarity, is there something you're not telling us about Sweetie Belle?
But joking aside, unless Sweetie really is secretly Rarity's daughter, I can not see any good reason for her to already have a fully-stocked nursery just sitting around in her house.
4851786
...didn't you think that she might have it in case she has foals later on in life? It never hurts to be prepared for the future, you know.
There was an inconsistency since pound and pumpkin were 1 month old in the episode baby cakes and pound at the end said "Pinkie" and pumpkin said "Pie"
4852320
No, I don't think that. And here's why:
1) Unless she's been seriously considering adoption, Rarity is currently years away from having a child of her own. She's never even had a significant romantic interest other than Spike in all the time we've known her.
2) She's never shown any signs that being a mother is a major dream of hers, so it's not something I'd expect her to have thoroughly planned out.
3) She has shown that she wants to move to somewhere like Canterlot, so if she was planning to have kids, she'd be planning to have them there.
4) I doubt that anyone in their right mind would have all those baby supplies unless they were planning to have a baby living there in the near future.
I can accept that she might have an extra room available that she might have considered turning into a nursery should the need someday arise (though she'd probably use it for storage in the meantime), but there is no way that she'd also have things like diapers and baby powder already lying around.
4852573
Okay, I admit that the level of future-preparations I implied is quite ridiculous, but I just wanted to present my idea as an excuse for the story (a flimsy one, now that I actually look at it).
nice but i am corious about Shy, Dash and Twilight, but more for Hairriser
4851527 thank you for noticing those, I've fixed that issue now.
If the foals are completely self aware, why do they need diapers? Just by talking fully they show they have more than the level of intelligence to be toilet trained
The only gripe I have is the fact that every single one of the girls just so happens to have a nursery in their house. Other than that, I'm enjoying it so far.
I have to say too, i would not think that Rainbow Dash really considered a child yet, but i liked that chapter probably even more then the last.
I think i enjoy Hair raiser probably the most, because she would meet friends at the schoolhous.
I don´t ask for a romance, but it would be still funny to see that maybe the shy ones like Pipsqueak (that´s the one with the pirat Costume in one episode right?) or Rumble (which is showed shy in some fanfics as well), act strange around her and maybe make her quick presents sometimes to anger Diamond and Silver Spoon.
Do you continue to make a view for everyone of do you show .......let say two of them every chapter? That way there are more then one view and we could get much more about our favourite foal.
i can only say i really enjoy the story.
4852573 maybe leftovers from when Sweetie belle was a baby?
Rainbow, playtime is not the only part of raising a kid. You haven't even changed a diaper.