Spitfire, Soarin and Fleetfoot have been working on a new trick called "The Triad Drive" A complex trick that not many trios of pegasi can accomplish. If not performed right, it can leave disastrous consequences on the performers. After the Triad Drive goes wrong, the three wonderbolts land safely as foals. The first one to notice this is Rainbow Dash, and she gladly decides to take care of them until a cure can be found/made. But when it's confirmed that there is no cure, Rainbow Dash will have to do the best she can on raising the three Wonderbolt Captains. Expect foalish fun and foalish things!
I'm sure you know this already, but i'll give a reminder:
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!: This story contains diapers, breastfeeding and cuteness. Be sure you have no heart conditions that could prove fatal if you read. If this strays out of your comfort zone, do not read past this point. You have been warned.
Kudos to Aleximus Prime for the picture, and give my thanks to Equestria Daily's drawfriend compilation #991
THIS STORY HAS A SEQUEL!!! Be sure to check it out.
This is pretty good. Well written, and interesting. I like it
awww cute picture of spitfire
What's a butter file ? Is it something you use to file butter ? You can't file butter, dude, it's too soft. And tasty. Man, you're weird...
On a more serious note, I'd say your writing's okay here. Things happened pretty fast and the plot is clearly just excuse, but since it's an excuse to have Rainbow Dash take care of some cute wittle foaws, I'm okay with it.
Let's see what you can do with this.
This is becoming quite the story idea in recent weeks. X turns into a foal, is abandoned, and taken care of someone close to them. Still this looks rather intresting.
You have my attention I hope you update soon.
Hehhh....
Hmm. You have my attention but I withhold my judgment.
Pros: This is interesting. This seems like it could certainly be cute. And I like the Rugrats style children language and possible adventures.
Cons: Feels a little rushed at points. Every one is to quick to accept the situation on all sides. Even Dash. Noting suggests that this trick could end the way it did and so it feels a little implausible. Use of telling at points where showing could be better.
Conclusion: No thumbs or stars for you yet, but I will check back in latter.
Update soon.
Also what's with this:
I thought that was my saying. Oh well, I guess I can't stop you but I say that's a copy and paste.
Rainbow Dash wants her foals to play dress up? Well I suppose she has to have some way to create memories.
Theres a couple mistakes in the first chapter, mostly missing words and a random speech mark
3541521 Her 'children' always dress in style
Also this sounds as though theres a supermarket full of foals
3542249
Don't you go to the Supermarket when you want new kids? That's the best place to find them
I don't know why, but I enjoy that semi-dark paragraph right there. But yeah, not sure if good or bad.
Awww, so cute. Wait, what is this feeling in my heart? I... I can't breath.... hurk-blah. *Heart attack from cuteness.* (Guess I should have made sure I had no heart problems. Too late to see the doctor now.)
Update soon.
3542454 well hey there Squee-chi, hows training going? the wind bowl giving you any problems?
3546296
NOPE. Not even a little Bit!
Sadly, I don't think I care for this. Not giving a thumbs down, but I will give some judgment now.
First: There is a repeated use of the un-capitalized "I" in this chapter. Once or twice is excusable as a mistake. I recommend fixing that, as it is easy to fix and disproportionately looked down on. At least as grammar mistakes go.
Second: I suppose I can understand the wonderbolts being calm, as it is bad to panic in their profession, but they seem a little too chill. As for Dash. Strait to taking them home and calling them yours? Not going to call and see if anyone lost their children? Not going to file some kind of notice or report that you found them and are taking them in? Nothing? Well, OK then, I guess. Seems odd to me.
Third: This feels pointless. Hold on! I mean that there seems as if the story is waiting or without direction. I am not insulting it. I am worried that there will be several chapters of fluff that nether advance the plot nor develop the characters to a great degree. And fluff is fine and so is filler, but I don't care for meandering.
Kicker: I will admit that I always look for reason not to read a story. But only if it is a justified one. I have a very large number of fan-fiction stories to read, several hundred chapters of stories on this sight alone in fact, and the whole internet, books on my shelf, movies, games, ect., to be involved in that could also use my time. So I mean no slight when I say I am not going to continue reading. This is just not to my taste or so wildly outstanding that I wish to continue.
Respectfully wishing you well,
The Smileyrat
Probably not because how often is Rainbow Dash gonna get a chance to raise her idols?
(Joke) Alt. Title: Raising Bolts
I have a lot of things (i.e., sarcastic comments) to say about this story, but that'll take forever. So, instead, have this:
That song right there was the most consistent thing I thought about while reading this.
Well with their adult minds gone, and foal minds in full effect, even if Twilight did find a cure, I'm sure there was a time limit that she missed, and now the effect is permanent, and I think Rainbow Dash would want to keep them as babies. Very good chapter. Can't wait to see how the other girls react.
Let me try to give some useful criticism here...
I'm not a big defender of the "show don't tell" principle, but I think this chapter has some problems on that regard. For example, in the first part, you're telling how Twilight thinks something is strange and somehow concludes that Rainbow is sick. It feels weird to read "she came to the conclusion", whatever the conclusion is... Don't you think a little monologue to show us Twilight actually reaching that conclusion would feel more natural? If you simply didn't want to make the introduction too long, then you didn't really need to get into details there. If we know that Rainbow missed a lesson, that's basically enough to understand why Twilight checks on her...
As it is, this introduction feels weird, like you wanted to say something but tried to get it over with quickly.
Other than that, I think you need to watch your characterization. I'm not saying it's bad, but you need to make it as good as possible here: this story doesn't have much of a plot (at least not yet), so characters are the only thing carrying it around. Try to show us their different personalities a little and always keep things consistent.
Well, I hope this was helpful. This story is still cute, keep it up!
How will she react when she finds out it's the Wonderbolts she was watching.
What's that potentially convenient spell you're learning Twilight? Time travel? That won't be brought up anytime in the near future.
Time travel and age spells? Well somepony's been very busy lately.
An age spell you say Twilight? Any way you could use that keep the Wonderbolt captains foals forever and keep Rainbow Dash from aging?
3537491 they are all so cute I am shaking and sqeeing on the inside from all the cuteness.
3571355
All will be revealed in good time, but just keep reading for now
this is too cute, *heart attack*
Dawwwww. playing peekaboo, that's so cute. I do wonder what the other Wonderbolts will think.
A few errors but still pretty good.
I have a few problems with this story so far... and I'm afraid to say that they aren't small ones either.
Firstly, your pacing is one to a hundred in a matter of seconds. It somehow feels more like a list of bullet points than anything else.
Secondly is Rainbow. She is so out of character that it is almost painful to read. While she's one to quickly judge and take things as they are at first glance, she wouldn't just up and go "Three foals. Must be abandoned. I better take them with me." I'd say it would be more "her" if she were to first wonder why the three foals were there. Fly some ways up to see if there were anyone nearby.
THEN she'd start to worry about what she would do. She had enough trouble with accepting Scootaloo as a surrogate sister (Sleepless in Ponyville), and only really accepted her when Scootaloo directly confronted her with the desire to be her little sister. Rainbow does not possess the maternal instincts to just up and choose to take care of three foals like that, nor is she secure enough in herself to do it. If anything, she would most likely take them to the one pony she knows that can take care of others properly; Fluttershy.
Even if she didn't do that, it would take a lot of fighting with herself to figure out what to do, and eventually decide to take care of these foals herself.
You have the premise of a very entertaining and cute story, but there are simply too many things that I can't look past. The biggest one being that Rainbow is so out of character. Sure, she may have wanted foals of her own, and you can easily keep her in character while still having her be "motherly."
Secondly is that Soarin, Spitfire and Fleetfoot still maintain their adult minds, memories and all. Quite a from of the story is from their point of view, and you make it easy to see that they are as intelligent as a grown up, albeit prone to fits of crying. They are foals and their minds should be as such as well. It would have worked better if you had kept everything from Rainbow's point of view, and if you wanted to have something from Spitfire, Soarin or Fleetfoot's point of view, you would have to change your writing so that it fits a foal. Here's an example.
This is practically how you write, though in my style. You write them as having the intelligence of an adult, whereas it should be something along the lines of this.
The first one is more where Spitfire is in control, where we see things from her point of view, whereas the second is more of an outside looking at Spitfire and detailing things like how she'd see them. She wouldn't know what building blocks are, and just seems them as a bunch of colours. The blankets she registers as a soft place, and the narrator calls it as "snuggly-place" because of that.
I'm not expert at writing baby-stuff, but I suggest that you write them as being babies/foals, not adults in foal bodies.
I can only say practice, practice, and then practice some more. If you keep writing you will eventually become better.
Until then!
~Kapuchu
Fleetfoot is female. Rarity said so in the episode "Sweet and Elite".
3652399
Seriously?
I never watched season 1 or 2.
Well besides Ponyville Confidential and Canterlot Wedding. but that's it.
I always figured Fleetfoot was male seeing as how the 3D Model on the app has no eyelashes
This was great, can't wait for the other WB's reactions. Just one problem I had:
I'm assuming the first one is supposed to be "once" and the last one "spot". Other than that, beautiful.
The cat is out of the bag. And so:
great chapter more strongly
I knew the word's that is so awesome would come into play somewhere.
I would say The Wonderbolts can manage. But then I'd be lying. Something's likely to go wrong.
Oh dear, a potential hierarchical collapse? I might enjoy this a little more than I should.
first off FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
also
don't you mean floss?
yay Rainbow Dash get to keep the foals forever and yes you should to the tribute
Rainbow Dash sure knows a lot about foals. And it looks like her knowledge will come in handy.
3734543
Of course she knows about kids, she used to be one.
Huh, I know Rainbow always wanted foals of her own, but how is it she knows so much about them? That is a mystery yet to be revealed. Update when you can.
Sorry to break this, but I think there is a cure. (Unless you already have this theory.) Twilight's reverse and reverse-reverse time spell she was talking about. But I really don't want them to change. So tell Twilight not to read those dusty old books!
What about Celestia? She can fix it, right?
As somebody bad at ryhming you did very well with Zecora imo.
