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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I do believe there is an enemy in Disgea 3 named Eryndom is there not? For my vote... I'll say Twilight. I'm interested to see how that's going to work.
Queen chrysalis sounds good to me
My Vote Is For Queen Chrysalis
With Twilight's acceptance the harem can officially begin! Just how to stop some of her mares/griffon from (nearly) killing each other...
And decision time. I'll choose Chrysalis.
Eryndom, A boss monster on Prinny 2?
I wanna see twi get her revenge on good old chryssie
Still waiting for revenge on Lyra. I'm not quite sure how accepting that she is a herd leader is good for her, I got the impression she just wanted to lead a normal life, oh well. I think Fluttershy should be next, if there is going to be a harem, let's make it bigger.
I vote for Twilight because selfcest is awesome.
Lyra needs to be taken to task with extreme prejudice.
This chapter was great, Twi is coming in to her own, and Twilight/Zecora was delightful.
My Vote Is For Queen Chrysalis
Thank you for putting my otp in to words
Zacora twilight for lyfe
2530689>>2530653 Shit, I forgot to add "Lyra and Bon-Bon" to the voting for this one...She'll probably be in the next one then, dood.
2530562>>2530155 Gotcha, dood
2530293>>2530258>>2530238>>2530689
Jeez, everyone seems to want Chrysalis munching on the carpet with her butt in the air, dood.
2530519 A vote for Twishy then, dood. And I'm sorry I forgot to put the two beloved Background ponies on the voting list, dood, it literally slipped my mind.
2531047 ah, it doesn't matter that it slipped your mind, I've always thought Twilight and Fluttershy were cute together. Also, wouldn't Twi being with the CMC be kinda, illegal, I don't think Twi would do that.
2531319 The plan for that is Twilight won't be awake for that, dood.... It gets touched upon a little while ago in the comments.
I'd have to vote for Queen Chrysalis as long as Twilight is still dominating.
2531436 Than you shall be pleased with that chapter, dood.
2531711 I actually want Applejack and Fluttershy to have their own chapters, but I got nothing for Applejack at the moment,(other than the fact that it involves Cherry Jubilee, Applejack's employer from the Demonic Pinkie/Derpy Cameo/Applejack episode) otherwise she would have been on the list in place of the CMC, dood.
Current Votes, dood:
- Twilight Selfcest: 3 (Masturbation turned to eleven, dood.)
- Fluttershy Romance: 2 (At least this got some votes, dood.)
- Chrysalis getting shafted: 5 (With extreme prejudice evidently, dood.)
- CMC Twi-Detectives YAY: 0 (How odd, dood)
- Colgate and Berry... and Twilight: 0 (They're background ponies, they don't deserve Twilight's meat in their cheeks...I guess, dood)
I gotta say...THANK YOU ALL FOR COMMENTING, DOOD...voting is still on though, I was just recapping for everyone who do not wish to filter though the comments to find out who is possibly be the next chapter. (Please note that Zecora managed to sneak past Fluer De Lis last voting session, so Twilight and Fluttershy might be able to sneak past the Changling Queen, dood)
My vote is for Queen Chrysalis.
2531838 To be honest, because of the weird influx of me coming across vore, adult foals, scat, and the other REALLY messed up shit... I'm fine with Foalcon, but I do agree with you on that point however, dood.
Besides, I already promised that by the end of that eventual chapter, the girls will be walking out of the library with their virginities intact, dood.
so no Applejack?
well then I guess
ChrysalisSombra2532032 I'm sorry, dood. Applejack will find her way on here eventually, I promise.
And No Sombra, he's a corpse at the moment, dood. I'm counting your vote as Chrysalis you tricky assassino you.
2532044 it is TwilightWaffle, I changed my name ya and I am a tricky assassin
One vote for Queen Chrysalis. Revenge must be had!
2531047 Well, truth be told I would of voted for Colgate again, but I've ran into a LOT of Twi-abuse (enslaved/beaten/may or may not have been raped) stories lately.
2532115 Those stories suck, dood. It's never cool to abuse Twilight, it's fine if she does it in a loving way, but not the other way around.
To be honest, I kinda don't like it when Twilight abuse/rape/attack another pony without real reasons to do so, I'll accept 'for science', 'evil spirit made me do it', and 'he/she made me tardy' or others but if Twilight does it because she just wanted to...that's just dumb, dood.
2532132 Yea, I'm no real fan of abuse/rape in stories but I'm able to read them so long as it's a real moving point of the story. True Colors for example.
Still... It'd be interesting to see Twilight relocating Chrysalis' pelvis. For Science!
Now I feel as if I contradicted myself.
Chryssy!!
Day one of seven and Chrysalis at nine votes...so I'mma write that chapter in the event that Chrysalis wins...so yay Chyrsalis, dood!
2533715 You know what, I like ya so I'm going to let ya hear something first, Twilight isn't the only Futa in this story, some other ponies maybe hiding their junk too, dood.
Daring will be shown the light later, promise. Right now she is just butthurt over the whole mess with Twilight (that's what you get for dating a mare's that's packing a 5th leg, dood)
And to be honest, dood. The chapter where Twilight fucks Rainbow Dash isn't technically THE Rainbow Dash chapter, so one day her actual chapter may come up someday.
The bet is based on the readers/commenters, so AJ has 3 chapters to not get voted in to become Twilight's next mare, and I'm working on the second one right now, dood. Shit I fucked up my own voting system...I guess AJ will definitely be in the next voting session, along with Bon-Bon and Lyra, dood.
For Gilda, I wanna show that she is still a hardass but still capable to learn from her mistakes, the pride thing is pretty much griffon all over since they are commonly the symbol of honor/pride in the old ages, or nobility...still all pride shit, dood.
I knew I should have Rainbow Dash slowly drifting to sleep, god dammit, dood.
Them quite ones are the best information brokers in Equestria, dood.
Twilight read it in her first scene during the Spitfire Chapter, dood, she read it so she can please Daring better before Pinkie thought of the herd/harem thing, dood. And I assume Twilight was raised around books so, I think she is on the line of 'girly' and 'tomboy', dood.
And I'm sorry, I forgot all about Lyra and Bon-Bon when I did the voting on the Zecora chapter, dood. They will be up next time along with AJ and whatever three I decide to use after chapter 13, dood.
I was super worried I made Twilight too OC ish when I tried to make her dominate Gilda, and I am glad you thought that line was funny, dood.
I never wrote a scene where Rainbow Dash scored with Twilight before, it was a drunken threesome or her getting pounded by a Twiclone, dood. I'm sorry, but I actually have a hard time describing sex so, I'll try and make it up to people later... Maybe I'll make a Spin-off where I write the sex scenes that weren't mentioned in the story but never seen, dood, or let someone else write it in their heads, they have my blessing, dood.
I might just add that Twilight caring about Gilda thing you mentioned when I'm bored or have a good idea of how to add it in, dood.
Another thing I may add at a later date cause it sounds pretty god damn awesome, dood.
Stop throwing good ideas at me, dood. I'm trying to write a chapter of how Twilight fucks Chrysalis so hard that the entire hive feels it for weeks, dood.
STAHP IT, DOOD!
Now for the comment on my Notes, dood:
- cool
- cool
- cool
- Stop being right, it's embarrassing me infront of the internet, dood.
Thanks for commenting, if you are reading at 8:00 Mountain time, go to sleep, dood.
I got some editting to do, dood. Chryssy will have to wait.
2534873 SPOILERS! Don't tell everyone, dood.
I changed it...ya'll got till Wednesday to make Chrysalis the next chapter since I've gotten 2k words already for her chapter, dood. (I was expecting Twilight but, I guess people wanna see Chrysalis, dood)
Well, as I said, it needs 100% less stallion, but I'll read everything but that.
2536038 So... avoid the Thunderlane chapter, dood?
Spotted a few grammar errors as noted below. Also, you start out in present tense, but somewhere along the way, you switch to past tense. Need to watch that.
Steer.
Waded.
Used.
Given what's up there for voting, I'm gonna go with selfcest. I still want to see Time-traveling Twilight from several different ages getting frisky; with herself and others. A fumbling, but horny teenager, older, but still fumbling present Twilight, a confident, suave adult mare, a mid-life crisis Twilight seeking her lost youth, and an aging, but frisky Twilight having an orgy that may, or may not include others. //dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra_dealwithit.png
2536786 Huh, the stear thing was the Proof-reader's change...saying that Steer is a bull and not the change course thing...oh well, as long as it's right, dood.
The original Idea was a alternate universe path (because that's so popular) where the other Twilight is all lonely but decides that who else would be better to be her special somepony but herself, dood.
But I still got time to choose what is what for her yet, dood.
Yeah, stear isn't a word. Steer is one of those nasty words with multiple meanings. Still, at least it's not a homophone.
Also, I've been meaning to tell you that I just found the pic you're using for cover art. I didn't make it myself. I don't have anything that allows me to screencap episodes. Sorry if there's been any confusion because of that.
2536844 Still thanking ya for showing it to me, dood.
2539108 Pinkie didn't know that Twilight was sterile at the time, dood.
2539775 It was never mnetioned in teh story how Twilight became sterile yet, I am planning on letting the wrold know Twilight's situation during the Fluttershy Chapter, dood... which at this point is super late, dood.
I'll give you a small preview however... Twilight became sterile a year after she hit puberty thanks to a doctor in Canterlot, dood.
2540031 Again, the Fluttershy chapter is when Twilight spills her guts, dood.
Final Day of voting, dood!
Standings...
Showing Who's Queen: 9
Selfcest is Bestcest: 4
The Chapter That Would Land me in Jail: 0 (TBH this was more of a joke and because I completely forgot about AJ and Bon-BOn...so CMC won't be returning to the next voting, dood)
Toothpaste and Wine: 0
Twishy, The Chapter: 2
Yea...I think Queen Chrysalis may win, dood. But ya'll got till tomorrow before I go all serious and try to write it like a pro, dood.
2543434
I vote selfcest!
Okay, lets do this. I got a really busy week ahead so if i don´t write this today i will write it never down. Or only next week. :P
Please keep in mind this is only my opinion, so if you dont agree with my suggestions/advises/etc. don´t use them. You like them, make use of them.
Okay, lets go.
Nice start with Twi´s panic about her missing Twi. Panic Sparkle is always nice, same for the show.^^
Also it shows that despite their usefulness Twi really is at loss if she doesn´t get her monthly portion of tea. I wonder though where and how Twi´s mom gets that tea. I mean it is used to hide a big cock, that´s not your average tea you can just buy at the next shop. Oh well, whateva.^^
You should more worry how the other hundred mares without a boyfriend thinks of your dick in full display if you don´t have your daily tea, Twily. XD
Though ofc she´d be worried more about teh children and their parents. Why won´t anybody think about the children? D:
XDDD
Though its no laughing matter that Twi is unable to hide her dick the usual way like stallions do. No wonder she´s so dependant of the tea.
Its nice to see that both listen more to Twi as well as that Twi through their daily fights got more used to be a voice of authority. Problem is, she´s still kinda seen as a "prize thingy" by both. Daring´s and Gilda´s response showed not only that they care for Twi but also that they claim "ownership" over her. It would be better if Twi can make it clear in a future chapter, maybe the one where she and Daring have their "who´s the alpha" moment, that´s she´s more than a marefriend/great fuck/etc., but Twilight Sparkle who has other goals besides sex, like reading, doing experiments, having fun with ehr friends and so on.
Btw i´m starting to missing those moments, those typical Twily moments. it became so much about sex that Twi appears more and more as a guy instead of a girl. And we know she was raised as a girl/woman. Not only her lately missing feminity, something which could be used for Shy chapter or for a reapperance with Rarity, but alos her usual activities due all the mayhem going on around her and her dick she seems less and less Twilight Sparkle who happens to have both mare and stallion parts but like...uhm...like
Dicklight Sparkle.^^;
Everything is about her dick and resolves around it. Don´t get me wrong that thing is after all the main red string for this fic, but its like with humans, lets say with a geek who likes MLP, comics, animes, etc. but is also gay. And now everybody only defines him over his gayness, not over the books he likes, his hobbies, his dream, his fears, no everything everybody around him seems to be able to think while he´s there is that hes gay.
Same for Twily, just replace the gay with the dick.
And that´s sad, cause Twi has much more to offer than just a great hot meatstick.
Even Daring seems lately only to think about it whenever it comes to her whereas we had it a bit differently at the beginning of their relationship.
What could change that would maybe be a chapter where ofc we still have sex, but more suff happening before. Lets say a meeting with only twi and the girls to talk, to eat cupcakes and to have fun. It would be interesting for every reader to read such a scene cause
a) Twi had fucked 3 of those friends and one really wants it, another wants it too but tries to deny it and we haven´t heard shit of the other one ever since they fucked. Of the two unfucked one made a bet to not fuck her till the end of the month but she starts to feel weird whenever she sees Twi and the other even kinda stalks her/heard/watched her when she ahd sex with x and y and z. So yeah, very interesting to see how Twi both tries to remain her bonds of friendship with them and how they try to deal with the fact that she´s still the usual dorky and really nice Twilight Sparkle, just with the knowledge that she has a dick. It could even end with her running away in tears cause she realizes that even her friends cant look at her the same way as before they knew she also had male genital parts. That also would really show the readers why Twi hide her dick even from Celestia. The thought of Celestia looking at her while a part of her thinks "this mare you knew for so long got a giant cock right under her belly" must be damn scary/sad for Twi.
b) it shows "normality". Twi´s life became a walking fuck session thanks to Lyra and then Pinkie and then so on, but she surely doesn´t want to fuck everyday, there might be even times where she would even push Daring of the bed and say "no, not tonight, i´m tired/sick/etc" (btw, that would make a great chapter too, Twily being sick and getting visited by lots of mares who first takes care of her and then advantage, ofc with her more or less "approval" XD); in other words:
Twi would want to do other stuff than sex. Espically with her friends. And that needs to be shown too. Else Twi will appear over short and long as a sex-addicted. Which she clearly isn´t, she just became good at it for much practise and for her sweet and caring way during sex but also cause she can really give it when needed.
c) I want to see it!!! Or in other words, i want to see a developement in Twi´s chara. In last chapter we had one when she became assertive, now it would be nice if she not only becomes assertive when it comes to sex but also her personal life as in "no, no sex now, we´ll play cards/have a sleepover (uuuhhh, that would be an interesting one, mostly cause AJ´s mind would be so driven with "twi and i are sleeping in the same room and her tea effect has worn off" that she might try to peek a sneak at Twi´s personal parts, only out of curiousity ofc XDDD). But i guess that needs to wait a bit longer.
Interesting that Twi has to go to such extreme as going up in flames, she still hasn´t full control yet over her forming herd.
Lol about the Ponymail scene, poor Twily, a victim of beaureaucracity. XD
I LOVED the AJ part!!!
Really, keep that up! Do a AJ scene in every coming chapter till the Applejack chapter where she and Twi have sex! Its a great idea!
Lolz about Pinkie and RD´s yet to finish AJ´s sentence. XDDD
I expect Rarity to somehow join the crowd too once she hears about the bet. Maybe with a fabolous "sooooon~" after one of AJ´s sentences? XDDD
See the good thing about AJ is this: its akwardly fun. Cause we know it gonna end in sex no matter what AJ might think differently.
ALSO, and that´s the most important part, with all other mares and chapters we usually had the "right to the sex" route aka there was no real build-up as each mare wanted to fuck Twi the moment they saw her junk. AJ on the other hoof, doesn´t want to fuck Twi (yet), and she got a bet to not fuck her and she´s starting to "feel funny" around Twi.
In other words, AJ has a BUILD-UP! And is the first pony for that. Expection would be Daring but Daring never knew of Twi´s dick before fucking her unlike AJ/Shy. I kinda hope for a similar or a different approach of build-up for Fluttershy.
For example, while we see in future chapters small bits with Twi and AJ acting like usual friends, we see/read that Aj starts to fall for Twi though ofc she´ll be too stubborn to admit it. We would need small events, like in a japanese game for dating sims, in which AJ starts to see Twi more and more as "mate-material" and less as friend one. Like coming to help her when she was in need on her farm, thinking up stuff which impresses her, showing her good sides by being nice to those it usually would be hard to liek Gilda, Chrysalis and so on.
With Fluttershy you could do a different approach, while Aj is personal one with Twi, Shy could be second-hoof one with the other friends. She could ask Rarity how the sex was with Twilight, or RD why she felt safe in Twi´s legs/arms or Pinkie why she loves Twilight, she could even ask AJ if she started to see Twi in a different light lately. Basically to use her to get the others for a short time into the focus of the story but also to show that Shy has her thoughts about Twi, that she can´t stop thinking about it and has to talk to other ponies/her animals about it. Ofc hidden with questions ala"what do you think about Twilight Sparkle?". I could see her talking to her animals, while they listen very careful, going on and on about whats good about Twi and what bad, but ofc it isn´t so bad cause, etc. <3
But uhm that´s just me thinking out loud.^^;
No reason to take those suggestions if you don´t want to. :)
On to Zecora part:
Nice to see Zecora being the professional she is when facing Twi´s other part. I expected none the less of her. :D
We have yet to see any mare look at Twi askant. Though i expect lots of sideglances by somehow more and more visitors in her library lately. After, the personal student of Celestia, x times hero/savior of Equestria and seemingly such a good fuck that even a griffion wants her, Twi´s library should have lots of visitors by now who tries to steal a peek at her goods. To Twis uncomfortableness after all she´s still modest to the bone. XDDD
Hm , okay now we come to the first one:
Your approach is always very direct, don´t worry i like it^^, but here a more "delicate" approach might be better though ofc that´s left to your decision. After all, Twi starts to not only feel that its good to be assertive in sex instead to be pushed over or that she has to be more vocal to stop Daring/Gilda but also the need to "protect breedmares/herd mates", in this case though Twi´s protecting sense would be widen to almost everypony due her nice, caring and gentle personality , well expect Discord maybe. :P
Anyway, it could look like this as example:
I won´t lie, im no good at english. So sorry for his misshape of words.^^;
What i wanted to get across was instead of a direct to the readers face "Twi feels the need to protect Zecora. You got it?" to a more indirect "Twi feels lots of stuff happening with her body and she´s unsure how to react".
Basically not only having the protectivness towards Zecora displayed, but also Twi wondering about herself, signs of her body showing the changes, of her acting as well, but also that Twi starts to feel attracted to Zecora/sees her as beautiful though she hasn´t realized that herself.
See, we had till the Gilda chapter only Twi sex with mares who more or less forced themselves on her, so did Twi said herself, she even feels her mare dick as a curse, your own words and i can Twi clearly thinking so. With Gilda we had the first time Twi being assertive in sex and taking things in her own hoof, but then again this was done cause she KNEW even if she didn´t it would end in sex with Gilda forcing herself on her, so she just turned the tables, but it ended in sex nonetheless. In Sex Twi really liked btw. She can´t try to vicimized herself anylonger, she could have dealt with Gilda/RD in other ways, she didn´t. But still, its only one chapter so far with that way and like i said, sex was as good as inevitable.
But here, Zecora´s chapter, that one should have, given what i´ve read, become the first chapter where Twi starts the sex. Really starts it, she initiates it, moves on her own and asks for it. Zecora probably could have hold out due her many years of meditation but Twi wanted to help her, wanted to ease her sex drive gotten crazy by the spores. But i´m going too far ahead already.
What i wanted to say was, if this chapter shows the start of a Twi freely purchasing sex with other mares than Daring Do, THEN it needs to be explained why.
After all this is Twilight Sparkle.
A mare who thinks of her dick with the many sex as a curse.
A mare raised to hide her dick all the time.
A mare raised in a society where herds are taboo and only couples of two ponies (male-female,same gender) are the norm.
A mare who has a marefriend and feels bad about her affairs but can´t stop them either for some reasons.
A mare who doesn´t want to be seen only by her male parts but who also doesn´t hate them.
A mare that so far though showing care and kindess never showed deep affection or attraction to anypony else but Daring. And even with her you could argue due Daring being often away which makes those signs of Twi towards her just more precious/valueable like unlike Pinkie who tries to have sex with Twi as often as possible.
In other words, this chapter needs to reflect Twilight´s inner world, her thoughts, her feels, her body´s behaviour and it needs to show that Twi feels the instinct inside her from her ancestors, the need to gather a herd, to have many females to ensure much offspring for her genes, to make those mares happy, to protect them and to be at their side (after all this instinct of Twi is waht the others are possible feeling which is why they feel so safe with her, they know deep inside, also through their female instinct, that Twilight would do anything to keep them safe, anything).
Which in return means it needs to show Twi´s growing attraction to other mares, here Zecora,though a small sentence about AJ would have been good too. it could have explained AJ´s funny feeling too, again instinct, which the ponies normally have under control due their up-rasing and society norms.
I mean, read what you got here with AJ:
Now add this to it:
Did it feel different? But it was only 3-4 sentences added. Yet those few alone give the "implication" to the readers, NOT the confirmation, very important difference, that Twilight starts to change in a way, that she gets pleasure from other mares. And that not ONLY through or cause of sex. In other words, Twi starts to feel attracted to other mares than her "marefriend", but she has yet to realize that.
This also helps to explain AJ´s reaction, which before stood kinda alone there, now the reader can guess, again no full confirmation, that AJ had the weird feeling cause she felt "wanted" by Twi with the hug though ofc Twi´s thoughts were more of an innocent nature as she still hasn´t come to terms with the changes of her body and personality while Aj will call herself silly as she´s only Twis friend and not lover.
But honestly about Twi´s change, who would have thought that the Twi from the first chapter would go all assertive on Gilda´s pussy? XDDD
Anyway, that to Zecora beginning. Gilda&Do&Spike intermission:
LOL!!! Man, the post pony must have been so scared with Gilda going all " YOU DID WHAT?!" when she heard how they were at fault for making Twi worry so much. XDDD
Heh, Pinkie is kind of a hyprocrisis, i mean she took Twi again and again though she knows she´s in an offical relationship with Daring but once somepony else comes along to want to fuck Twily, Pinkie, the Beta, comes to her Alpha´s rescue to scare, Cloudkicker, the competion away. XDDD
Back to zecora and twi walk:
Again, more stuff could be added to show Twi´s inner world, her reactions to Zecoras words, touch, her being on edge more explicit told, etc. Same for Zecora. As i said, i like your direct way of writing and it gets the job done. But, i take ahead too much again, to deliever Twi´s change into a "predator" (she needs to be one espically for Chrysalis chapter) better it doesn´t give enough meat to the bone, so to say with methapors.^^;
This part could have been used to show Twi´s inexperience as an alpha due her always on edgeness as well as some Zecora fleshing out, same with Gilda in the last chapter, to make her more appealing to the readers as well as to give some more world-building. Also it could have been the start of teh fundament of the "herd"-ideology aka to explain to the readers why ponies lives nowadays only as couples whereas they lived in herds before or why Zecora´s zebra tribes still lives with herds as family system.
Just a couple examples, again no need to take them seriously:
...Shit.
Im sorry.
That shouldn´t have happend. :C
Well, this got a bit sappier than i thought, but uhm.
Basically i expected instead of a "it was night they went to sleep" a fleshing out of zecora, a talk between Twi and her, something that draws them closer, something that explains the latter sex so much more than only "it was the spores so they fucked". Its like with Gilda and RD´s question why she didn´t do anything to Twi once she was set free, something somehow felt missing.
Though again, that´s only my opinion and probably only me.
If you dont want to take that suggestion i can understand you.
Moving on.
Here i could write again some suggestions but i´m writing for 4 hours already, and its getting late. So Two, three things for this part about Pinkie, Shy and the herd:
- it be nice to see more than just the last part. To see Twi remember PInkie bringing her sweets, how she makes her laugh, how sweet Pinkie looks sleeping in the moonlight, such stuff would make it so much clearer how a part of Twi finds Pinkie (and others) attractive, but is struggling with her rational, logical and confinded mind which tells her that its wrong to love a friend this way, to have a lover besides your marefriend, to think of your friend in a way fit only for lovers.
There were plently more which could be add here but i'm getting tired, maybe later, i´m sorry.
-With Shy a short thought of Twi gettign aroused by the thought of being watched by Fluttershy when having sex which she quickly fights down as she feels her meatrod to stiffen which success. It could show again, that she starts to see more than just one mare attractive but also that she´s in control of her urges.
-With the herd one, you could ahve done so much.
Like Twi and Zecora talking about their different cultures about families. Drawbacks and advantages of those systems. Of it being natural to be attracted to many mares (heck, we humans are the same, we might love only one woman/man but that doesn´t man another woman/man cant be attractive to us, in Twi case we get further than just attractiveness and make it love for more than jsut one female), of zecora feeling jealous at the others who were with Twi and wondering about it, Twi dropping a compliment about Zecora´s beauty without noticing it but Zecora took notice of it very well.
The marefriend´s name list was a nice one, though again a short list of other like Pinkie, RD and Gilda and Rarity, etc flashing up before her eyes before she shook her head would ahve been a nice add, mostly for the readers to see who a part of Twilight considers "possible" marefriend material or already has them as marefriend in her book, just not ready to be an alpha yet.
HECK! You could ahve the whole alpha talk here! Zecora comes from a culture with that mindset after all unlike Equestria with husband and wife. Twi didn´t quite understood the alpha thing when Pinkie mentioned it so it would have been interesting to read how she listens what an alpha is and what he does, to excliam that its unfair if only one male gets many amres, what if one guy ahs like a dozen but other guys have none countered by Zecora that everymare likes to be first in someponys life but if there´s a remarkable one then you´re content to be one of many as long as you´re with said stallion. It could ahve given Twi so much to ponder about, the herd and the alpha thing. And ofc Shy knowing of her secret aka watching/hearign about her sex affaires and her thoughts concerning Pinkie, RD, Gilda, Daring, Rarity, AJ, Shy, etc and etc.
Hah.....it feels like this chapter came 2000 words too short. :c
See? You got a part of Daring fleshed out here with the marezons story. But why nothing with zecora in this chapter though it was titled for her? A fleshing out part doesn´t need to be much often, a couple sentences here and there and your readers already got enough to eat on to see the chara in a new light or under a different POV.
The Timberwolf vs Twilight fight was awesome! Though it had been good if Twi realized that she had tried to impress Zecora as well as more of Zecora ´s inner turmoil by said act.
But then again cause we had nothing before Zecora´s got impressed by Twi´s feat so it felt like it was more a mix of adrenaline and the spores of the mushroom doing the falling for Twi than Twily herself which i found a bit disappointing. Nothing against it, really. After we had alcohol and what not to play a factor in other sex before. But here i kinda hoped that the spores would more be like a catalyst while Twi lays the foundation for Zecora to fall for her but well, we didn´t had much of that cause what we got didn´t left much of an impression till we got to the Timberwolf part.
The glances at twi´s rumps or thelook at Zecora´s wet mane were really good, but describe it a bit more. How it moves, how it lays on her neck, the sun shines on it, the fireflies flying around her head, etc, that stuff would sell it a bit more as to why it became so important unlike before.
I´m not sure this makes sense. If Twi doesn´t know zebraish how can she know if she made mistakes or not? I mean if i were to lsiten to someone speaking spanish i would have no clue if there was a word or two wrong in it as i don´t understand nor had any spansih lessons in my life. And i think if i were to speak german to you, you as well would have a hard time to find grammatical or other faults in my speech. Expect i would really speak onyl gibberish liek hgfshahbvdazhfgbahbhv. XD
Loved the clop part with the intro into the sex, Twi´s assertiveness and all the stuff.
Good job.
Espically cause i know you´re not that comfortable with it.
But maybe try next time some other stuff too?
Like how Twi or her partner smells. For example a male usually has a musky smell but Twi´s a born female just with a dick so maybe she smells differently, more womanly. Or for more describtion on the touch or feel of whatever is happening. Play with the imagination of your readers.
Another thing, why isn´t Zecora concerned about getting pregnant? I mean, she doesnt know yet that Twi is not fertile nor does Twi know if Zecora got be fertile right now or not as you don´t went with teh "heat" thing yet in any chapter.
Okay, part after the sex.
My first thought was "What?" when Zecora called Twi alpha and Twi jsut took it without any reaction!
Till now in all chapters it was pretty clear that Twi a) had no interest in a herd, heck she didn´t even had heard of it b) didn´t liked to be used for so much sex though she started to like it lately as she took more control c) no mention of herself about alphas or anything d) marefriend marefriend marefriend.
While it did felt natural of Zecora to say so about the alpha stuff, the "talk" comment made no sense. What talk? The short herd mention thingie? We had no explanation on how a herd works, what an alpha is, why equestria has no herds but only marriage between two ponies why zecoras people continue with herds and thus she knows so much about it making her a GREAT advisor for Twi about herd stuff, ZECORA, Not Pinkie PIe.
Caring deeply is one thing, loving another. Twi cared about them before and so she does now. The difference is made that she wnats to fuck them, to say it blunty, unlike other she cares about like her brother or her family or Celestia, etc. In other words, not caring should be the word here, but attraction, that Twi feels drawn to them just like they did all magically to her which caused her to have so much sex with so many to begin with.
But we don´t have that all we have is Twi denying all the time she likes other mares besides daring and even so in this chapter, then we get what? Two sentences that she cares for them and now she wants them in her herd?
Where´s the Twilight Sparkle that makes lists, is worried about the littest thing, wants everything to be perfect and everypony to be happy?
Make her read books about this matter, have a REAL talk with Zecora where we get laid out all the herd and alpha stuff we only had in nuancen hints about so far. Make Twi a list of why she should do that and why not, let her have dreams of when she dreams of Pinkie kissing her, Zecora sucking her off, RD calling out her name and she wakes up sweating heavily, looking next to her a happily snoring Daring and Twi felts the bang of guilt for wanting what she just dreamed while she got a marefriend!
Make her really doubt it, her doubting it and overcomign said doubt is another hurdle you can´t just skip like this.
Make her fear what her parents will think.
Wonder how the hay she could hide a herd before Princess Celestia, one of the biggest reasons why she hides her dick which would be very difficult with 6+ mares going after it everyday!
Just don´t do this, please:
NO!
First time ever i said in your fic out loud no while reading it!
She went from liking sex to wanting a herd way to quickly!
We had 9 chapters with Twi getting more or less pushed to sex, more and more enjyoing it liking it and becmign good at it. During it Twi gets a marefiend and the conflict of trying to stay loyal but ofc not being able to due her being too attractive for many mares.
And LAST chapter, we had Twi for the first time being assertive though it was either that or Gilda raping her. Still it was a step for Twi towards becoming an alpha, one step, only one. Same with her tries to keep Daring and Gilda under control, only tries, like mini-steps, she has yet to get real authroity.
Now we had Twi for the second time being asertive, the second time so far, this time also the first time where she ahd a real choice - to either fuck or not to. Unlike with gilda where the fuck would ahve happens anyway.
And yet we already have Twi being all hot set on getting a herd???
All of her doubts is basicallly just voiced in a single sentence and it isn´t enough to even stop and let her consider this heavy decison again. She´s breaking a soceity taboo here. After all, neither in your fic so far nor in the show have we seen any herd, only families with the husband-wife shemata. But suddenly after only her second time having sex on her own Twi goes all "alpha-hardcore" while jsut a couple chapters before she had no clue what that even is and openly voiced her dislike for having sex with other females than daring all the time?!
It really felt like we just teleported or something.
Like we left a coupel chapters out or something.
Like we were climbing a huge mountain to reach its top, and we all know the journey towards it is as important as wehn you´re up there, and while we had an awesome walk the first ten chapters, somehow in the 11th we said "screw this!" took out a jetpack and flew to the top (Twi wanting a herd and actually really forming one) and skipped the rest of the way.
The ending just felt too prompt, too abrupt, too disconnected with what we had seen, read and felt with the past ten chapters and even the first half or 2/3 of chapter 11. It is a good one though, but not for now.
I mean, she needs time to think about this and we need to read her matter of thoughts to udnerstand her reasonings. Use the Chrysalis chapter for that.
After all, the only mare Twi knows who actually has a harem in the show would be Chrysalis, right? A queen with hundreds of males serving her. She´d be perfect to ask and also to see an example Twi doesn´t want to become as well as making CHrysalis, that proud queen, fall for Twi and wanting to be with her though she had an own herd so to speak.
Also btw CHrysalis is PERFECT to do the TwilightxTwilgiht mom sex you talked about.
Cause Chrys will not have sex with an assertive Twi, so when Twi tries to take her she will change into somepoyn she´d be sure would turn Twi off. And what would be a better bonerkiller than suddenly seeing that you´re about to fuck your mom? To become a motherfucker?
Ofc Chrys thinking was off as Twi just rationaize its away and has sex with her not-mom. Much to Chyrs disdain and latter drooling happiness. You could even make her change into Cadance during the sex or Shining Armor when Twi takes her asshole, all desperate tries to turn Twi off but failing due to twi´s mind and magic. XDDD
So while Chrys would make a great chapter for twi to get closer to understand what having a herd means with managing nd its risk aka turning into an emotional dictator over mares, it doesn´t help too much with the alpha thingie.
Here could the shy chapter come into play, it could also help to ensure the readers that Twi didn´t becmae a 100% stallion but still is a woman/mare who just happens to also have dick parts.
Tl;dr:
You made a good chapter, but it could need more description to show Twi´s own attractiveness towards another mare, Zecora needs more fleshing out, more world info would have been nice, epsically about herds, alphas and how Equestria manages marriages/why there are no herds anymore, the sex could have been more with different senses in it too, but thats not much needed.
The ending is in my mind awful, too quick, to not Twilight Sparkle-like, that ending was more like Dicklight if anything, a better ending would ahve been Pinkie Pie gettign into Twi´s house at night, cuase its pinkie pie, she gets everywhere she wants to. And then she sees gilda and daring snoring in the bed but no Twily. And then she moves down and sees Twi reading lots of books, writing down lists and she asks her waht she´s doing and Twi tells her that shes looking up herds, alphas and the history of marriage in equestira. Like is it illegal to have a herd in equestria for example? All Stuff Twi wants to be informed about,a fter all she wants to be prepared if she really pulls this through. Pinkie will be happy to hear that and ask for sex, gets it denied, but is allowed to snuggle to her (aawwww) while she read "Herds for Eggheads, how to be an Aplha" (or something) and take notes.
Then you can either end it there, or let Twi talk to Pinkie, if she thinks this is right for one mare to love many, to be loved by so many, if its wrong to feel attraction towards her friends though she has a marefriend,e tc.
This would be good, cause while we have zecora as advisor for Twi she´s also an equestrian culture stranger. For her herds and alphas are normal, not so for Twi and he friends beign raised in equestira and having parents of two, not of one stallion and x mares.
And Pinkie could provide the security and confirmation to twi that what she doe sis right as long as it feels right to her and stuff. Basically not being a herd avisor, expect on who should be allowed into and who not (CLoudkicker XD), but a moral support to Twi, somepony she knows she can trust and lean on if she worries too much or is afraid of what consequences her decison/s will have.
That would fit much better to twi and pinks than Twi "breaking" into Pinkie´s house to ask her about the herding stuff.
At least it does sound better in my head
But tehn again, its 2:30 a.m here and i´m so tired i don´t even see how many faults i write with every sentence typed down. And my fingertipps hurts.
And i spend nearly 6 hours to write this.
I´m insane.
I´m offically insane.
And you´re at fault!
YOUUUUU~
My head hurts.
I hope some of this stuff of my mind i wrote down is in some way helpful to you.
I might write more later if i find the time.
Btw, i´m curious about when and who Twi will meet the other dickmares of equestria. Or was that more meant as there were other dickmares expect Twi in history? I dunno, i cant imagine anotehr dickmares besides Twily in current Equestria. But then i guess that´s just me, not wanting for Twi to share the futa spot with anypony.
Thanks for the chapter.
Sorry if i sounded too angry but i had invested quite some emotions into your fic till now and they bursted open when i had readed the ending of this one and not readed what i thought was missing like Zecora´s fleshing out and stuff.
Cya in hell, dood. :P
2544170 A lot of the problems you address here is pretty much caused by a single thing...I write this as I go, dood. I may add/change a few things so that Twilight so that Twilight is shown to be growing more than she did in the Gilda chapter.
That comment about my ending is also a bummer to me, dood. But the biggest thign about it that rustles my jimmies is that you're right.
I wish more reviews were like yours, dood. Not I gotta change a few things cause I have a decent idea...but evidently a poor execution of said Ideas, dood.
I may have to start throwing finished chapters at you before I post them to see what works and what doesn't, dood.
2544170 I took your ideas and twisted them to my own purpose, dood.
(Mostly Copy-Paste shit but I did change a few things like the ending, dood.)
Hopefully this change works out for the better... And I may throw chapters at you for the future to see if they flow nicely, dood.
Edit: The Fluttershy thing you mentioned, I tried to relay it that Flutershy may never see happen, but she hears it from time to time, dood.
HAIL TO THE QUEEN, BRONY!
Queen Chyrsalis smut away, dood.
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As i said i really do like your writing and till now it fit the story like a glove (though not enough clop in the middle chapters, but you added more to it so that one was repaired long ago^g^) cause till then Twi was "forced" to sex in other words, much feels and hidden signs and character fleshing out wasnt needed, though we saw changes as she started to like it or just gave-in and had sex anyway, etc. But now we enter the "not only sex" part of your fic - the part where you got to explain to your readers why so many mares fall for Twi, why they feel safe in her arms and why/how Twi starts to go from monogamy to polygamy and can love many mares instead of just one.
And here being too direct/quick with writing can sometimes hurt the flow of how Twi and other characters progress in the story.
Your idea/s is not/aren´t decent/s -> its great/they´re great! But cause we get them sometimes written like as if they´re shouted right in our faces they cant show their full greatness. Just as example, Gilda and Zecora´s missing characterisation outfleshing to make Twi caring/starting to fall for them more understandable as well as those new charas more likeable.
You have laid a awesome foundation with characters and setting you just need to tie the knots in all the many strings which ofc can be very easy to lose focus about.
We got RD who has a slight inferior complex about herself which she compensates with bragging and doing cool and awesome stuff like stunt flying though we see her in your story actually being a sweet mare who wants safety, support and acceptance in her life.
We got Pinkie who´s a bit crazy in her head but very funny, who´s also crazy in love with Twi and who started to change as she takes care more of Twi other needs than only sex. I can see her bringing food for Twi or massaging her back and other affection deeds to show not her sex need for Twi´s dick but her love for the purple mare. Pinkie seems to want a family in other words a center of stability and said center should be in her vision Twilight and she right next to her. It makes sense that somepony like her with a "jumpy" personality searches for somepony who can keep her on the ground and at the same time hold up with her antics but not be a push-over either. Assertive Twi fills out that role perfectly.
We got Rarity who´s actually a bit of a romantic dreamer but her dreams got disappointed and so she threw herself into her work. She´s still a 50:50 case as we haven´t heard much of her since her chapter, but there´s both a chance that she will either continue to seek Twi´s touch and caring though she knows she hurts Spike with it (which is why i still expect a Rarity and Spike scene to happen in which Rarity will talk to Spike about what happend between her and his big sister/boss/kinda mom-figure) or she will remain Twi´s friend and stop going after her. her next apperance and acting/in-sight of thoughts adn feels will show that.
We got AJ who can´t see herself fucking Twi jsut cause she got a dick. She´s not in for the sex or for mere curiousity, she wants a deep and meaningful relationship. She wants a partner she can see as equal and who also treats her as equal, a loving relationship. its why she made the bet with RD, she belives that she won´t get that with Twi. But since Twi changed due her experiences with sex, her own sexuality and ofc all the drama around that matter and "matured", some part of AJ feels drawn towards her. AJ is a build-up case, either that feeling will get stronger through many smaller flags triggered by Twi or it will die down and RD gonna lose her bet.
Fluttershy is a Joker, i got nothing. Expect she knows more about Twi´s secret expect she´s the only one who hasn´t been told yet unlike Rarity and AJ, Pinkie and RD. XD
Gilda, Zecora and Daring are only so much worth as we get to see them grow as characters and for why they feel attracted to Twi. Daring similar to Pinkie also searched for a stability in her "jumpy" life, Twi and her library became said stability, a home and a lovely marefriend with a godly dick who waits for her whenever she returns. But she starts to be afraid to lose Twi as she noticed Twi changes and fears to lose what she started to take for granted cause she went for long journeys and adventures. She might stay at home for a long time till that matter got resolved.
Gilda seems to have nothing in her homeland which holds her there, so Twi became something she never had: Something that hold her. Literally even. Though being a bigger jerk and bragger than RD ever could be, she has a soft spot for Twi and starts to lsiten to her more, she also seems more relaxed since she doesn´t try no longer to be the boss in everything and leave Twi the reigns. Though with Daring its always fighting there Twi has a hard time to keep the reigns in ehr hooves cause of Gilda´s jealousy towards Daring who´s Twi "offical marefriend". A title which Daring is afraid to lose as i mentioned. Who knows, Gilda might even become the one who will help Daring to not be driven away from Twi´s newly found assertiveness and starting liking to having a herd.
Zecora got to Equestria for unknown reasons, i suspected a tragical loss and spirits telling her as they knew she could find happiness there again, happiness in the smile and touch of a certain purple Unicorn. Though i haven´t read what you went for or if you used that idea at all. Don´t worry i will reread Gilda and Zecora chapters for sure.^^
But anyway, Twi gives her happiness in a strange country, happiness she might have believed to never find again. And i suspect that similar to AJ and Pinkie Zecora seeks a family, a herd which welcomes her and embraces her in many warm hooves. Also she´s the oldest and most experienced mare besides Daring and the only one who might have (again haven´t reread yet) personal knowledge about alphas and herds - stuff Twi will drink up any information she can get.
The rest are most likely only one-shots, maybe expect Trixie but Trixie is more of a fangirl/full admiring case, more of an ego sex-buddy than a caring and sharing lover yet. I wouldn´t wonder if Luna visited Twi´s dreams though to have great dream-sex with her but this time thanks to the dream laws without broken bones as result. XDDD
Btw, is Twi´s body still firm and trained thanks to the spell? Cause i think she will need it against Chrys and her changelings. <.<
Okay, that makes Shy even cuter. Probably blushing as mad whenever she heard Twi having loud sex (espically Trixie and Luna/Nightmare Moon XDDD) and running home to hide there, trying to get those thoughts and imaginations out of her mind with a cold shower. <3
Throw whatever you want at me, as long as it isn´t Tom.
PS: What about my Chrsalis suggestion about her becoming Twi´s mom, babysitter, brother, father during the sex? You said to disliked Shining Armor x Twi sex cause her big bro always screw her silly or rapes her, how about to turn the tables and have Twily rape her big bro in the anus though its only fake bro.
Also i can´t remember a fic in which Twi fucks male Shining in the ass so i guess you´d be a first in that regard. ;D
PS2: if you want to add some comedy scene just have the CMC appear to ask Rarity if she will become Twi´s marefriend too/aks Applejack when she´ll fuck Twi/ask RD what she thinks about Twilight - those three reactions would surely come naturally to your mind/hands and be very funny and enjoyable for the readers to read. XD
PS3: Thanks for taking my criticing not the wrong way, i know i can be pretty blunt sometimes, hope i haven´t hurt your authors pride or something else. :c
2548417 Dood, every bit of criticism hurts my writing pride, but if I don't get hurt, how will I learn?
Besides, people not commenting makes me worry so much and stings more than criticism personally, dood.
2548417 Alright I should respond this this correctly instead of just giving you a few lines before jumping back into DnD Neverwinter, dood.
The big list of ponies, ALl that is actually really good, but the problem is... I don't think ahead and I only glance back to see if I can keep things in continuity (that how u spellit, dood?) So if me fucking up the story eventually is bound to happen, just didn't think it would be this bad, dood.
Twilight's body is still firm, Nightmare Moon wanted it to LAST, dood. And Trixie will return, and maybe Luna, dood. And no, Luna doesn't rape Twilight in her dreams because she would rather have a nice intimate relationship rather than having her darker side rape Twilight, dood.
I'm going to take a easy route out and do the Chrysalis chapter in a similar manner to the Canterlot Wedding, but with a... odd ending for Chryssy, dood.
The CMC thing, I either may throw that in randomly or Pop it up as a starter for the CMC chapter (if you guys think I should degrade myself to do so, dood.), probably going to be a random part of a random chapter, dood.
Please refer to my comment prior to this for that last PPS, dood.
could you tell me when you regulary update your story ? and will you going to update soon please?
2555186 I have no true schedule, dood. I wanna try and update it far more than I use to (a chapter every month or two cause I'm lazy, dood) but recently...it's been a chapter every week or two because...again I'm lazy, dood.
I'm working on it when I can or am allowed to with real life complications, dood. But I'll do what I can to keep the story rolling.