A threat has been made, this time against Princess Celestia specifically. Based on a long-discredited conspiracy theory that the Nightmare Moon incident was a power grab that allowed for an expansionist policy enforced by the then newly formed EUP guard, an unidentified seditionist wishes to overthrow the monarchy and establish the Lunar Republic of Equestria. Needless to say, Luna is aghast someone would try to use the most tragic event in her family as a pretense like this. Since recruitment for this cause would logically start amongst her bat pony guard, she needs somepony she trusts to go undercover to find the would be rebels within their ranks and hopefully find the ringleader in the process. Somepony they think can be recruited easily. A member of the mane six volunteers, having experience being a bat pony. Can Fluttershy even make it as a bat pony guard, let alone a spy?
- Member Since 11th Jul, 2014
- offline last seen Dec 19th, 2015
Stotter
Just a brony who joined the herd shortly before season 4, making up for lost time as I go stotting around the fandom, enjoying it's works and hoping to contribute.
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the balance of dialogue to description is leaning a touch too far toards dialogue for my liking, and the first part being an impenetrable wall of text is mildly frustrating. Just because it's a letter doesn't mean you can forgo proper formatting.
That said, the story's potential more than makes up for those flaws.
Im not a bat pony yet and Ive been training 2 b apart of lunas night guard since volntiering started
now Im sad I will still b loyal 2 my princess and the others but mostly luna
also good writing
Not crazy about the way all the text is squeezed together. Maybe add space between each paragraph? Also, the letter at the beginning should be devided into a series of paragraphs, rather than one massive one.
That said, the premise is pretty cute! Plus, I loved this line:
Agreed with others on the letter formatting. Break that up into paragraphs to make it more readable. Also, the way you use present tense instead of past tense in your prose is very jarring. You need to edit that.
The concept is very interesting. If you fix the mechanical problems with your writing, you could end up with a decent story.
One more thing. Are you the artist who made that cover image you're using? And if you aren't, did you get the artist's permission to use it?
That was
GREAT imeanfirstIwaslikeohnothisguysgoing2creamfluttershyandtheotherguardswillbajerk2herthenIwouldhave2killthembutthentheEveningCloakdudeisallcoolandlikeImgoine2helpher
ok now that is done I would like 2 know y people r complaining about the spacing 2 me its fine also r we going 2 meat other guards or just this 1
The descriptions seem to be non-existent in this story. And it's obviously in need of balancing. But the concept of the story itself is pretty appealing so I will still stick around.
OH GOD! DAMN I would like to see the faces of the rest of the mane six right now XD Shit would be hilarious XD I mean I don't know, something like, ponyville gets attacked and then flutters comes in and kick some flank like a boss. And then everypony is like FLUTTERSHY!
. SHE'S A MUTHAFUCKIN BAT GUARD BITCHIES!!!!
YOU DID GOOD!!
Interesting idea.. i'll watch and see where this is going,,
4737010 Thanks for that.
Regretfully, I must remove this from my reading list. While it's a very interesting idea, the mechanics of the writing make it almost physically painful to read this. Writing the prose in present tense instead of past tense simply does not work, and the scenes all feel forced and rushed.
Wow just wow....... Cloaks a dick
I like the idea behind "The Return of Flutterbat" but as others have posted, present tense is clumsy here. A little more "show them, don't tell them" writing might also help the flow.
For now, I've got as far as chapter 3 and I'm just going to stop reading it here. Neither thumbs-up or thumbs-down. More like, "It isn't ripe yet."
Can't wait for more ^^ Added this to Tracking.
More plz
Being a super popular J-pop singer is Fluttershy's NIGHTMARE?! BWAHAHAHHH!!!!!! GEEEEAZE!!!!!
She and RD should trade nightmares.
Interesting Luna feels such blood lust vengence for somepony who thinks they're being HER hero.
"This villain couldn't care less what I want. It's all just an excuse to take us over, the same as the rest."
And there's the problem. People have a hard time comprehending for a zealot, the cause IS the point.
Since Flutterbat is a separate awareness from Fluttershy (see the comics), I wonder if Flutterbat will LIKE being a Bat Guard, while Fluttershy just wants it over with and get back to her animals, and the two end up in a mental argument. It would be pretty cool if Shy found herself arguing with Flutterbat internally.
Or Rarity have the J-pop dream.
If Fluttershy is going undercover, using her real name IS INSANE!!!
"No, we don't have time to put you through pegasus guard basic training, you'll just have to wing it, so to speak."
... Wow... I just... Ugh...
6350185
I could see myself writing that letter. There are some rather honest ponies out there that would mean every word of what they say. Luna has been a politician for so long (and Celestia) that such honesty is foreign. Another problem is every point he made, while occasionally warped*, were factual. Celestia really did do a lot of that and it is unlikely that Luna would not of brought it up. Celestia probably waved away Luna's concerns as trivial, pulled the "older family member = never wrong" card and told her how mistaken she is.
While there might not of been a curfew i imagine the ponies lacked a steady means of lighting and shunned the night.
While this villain might really be a villain his power base might truly believe the cause. Heck; mony is good that he believes too.