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I do everything I can to bring my son up right in the short time I have with him. I try to have an impact on his life, but I can only make do with shore leave and letters.
I raise my little Star mostly on my own, hoping he’ll be a good stallion one day. The times I look at him and see his father, I know I’m doing a good job.
We want him to surpass anything we could accomplish; that’s why we named him Rising.
[Guiding Star] [Squall Line] [Rising Star] [Gabriella]
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Well, this is a nice start. I like how you decided to portray the Griffons - though their portrayal in general as mercenaries and/or warriors is rather common, this seems less like the Klingons or Krogan and more like Kyoshi Warriors or Turians. At least, that's how I saw it, though I don't know if that's what you were going for.
I also like seeing how you portrayed Guiding Star (you won't believe how many "soldiers" I see portrayed as "The Soldier" from TF2, or worse. 
)
Of course, the duel was awesome, too, and I like your inclusion of "leylines", though that could just be because I like magic in general (see profile picture).
4691107
Well, I'm glad you're liking it so far!
The giffons are more Germanic than anything, in that… Well, you'll see.
And actually, Guiding Star isn't a soldier at all! You're thinking of the wrong type of captain. If you'd read either of my other stories, that would already be clear, but I'll make what I mean completely obvious in the next chapter.
The duels were quite fun to write, and I'm glad that translated into them being fun to read.
As for leylines and magic, well, that's only just beginning. I hate when magic is just magic and has no internal workings or hazy ones at best. I'll be delving deeper into this as the story continues.
4692087
Oops, sorry. I hadn't taken a look at your other stories yet, so I just made an assumption when you wrote "shore leave" and "Captain".
It was an honest mistake, wasn't it?
Also, I don't have much knowledge of German mercenaries/soldiers/whatever you meant them to be (other than the Nazi stereotypes, but I doubt you wanted them portrayed like that
), so I'll do a little more research, and keep a lookout for their connection. 
4694568
Yeah, no hard feelings about thinking he was a military type; given what you had to go on from that chapter alone, it wasn't an unreasonable assumption.
And well, they're supposed to be Germanic, not German. There'll be differences, and there'll be similarities. Also, by "you'll see," I kind of meant if you read the next (or come back in) three stories. I have plans, see, big plans…
4694969
Sorry, I don't know what Germanic people are. I should really stop making so many assumptions with so little information.
And no worries. I'm intrigued, so I will come back for more.
4694997
It just means that they're like Germans — from the definition: "having characteristics of or attributed to Germans or Germany."
And I'm glad you'll return! I'm trying to set up a little (ha) continuity of my own here.
4695264
...and here I was thinking it was a reference that I didn't get. I felt like Steve Rogers for a moment.
4695996
Nope, not a reference! And sorry if I came across as abrasive; as a logophile, words are my thing, and I sometimes forget that others don't necessarily share the same enthusiasm for them.
4697203
Well, while I'm not exactly Hippopotomonstrosisquipidaliophobic,
I still don't have quite an extensive vocabulary. 
That said, I don't mind you being an intellectual. I myself recently learned a little doctor humor, and I'm waiting for just the right opportunity to tell someone that they "need a transrectalcraniectomy". Haven't found the right opportunity yet, but the internet is full of both nice guys and trolls, so I'm sure I'll use it eventually.
p.s. In case you (or anyone else who reads this comment) actually understood what that one part meant, I meant no offense towards you, and I really hope I didn't mess up a chance to relate.
p.p.s. In case you didn't understand that part, trans- = across/through, rectal = the rectum (I don't like cursing, so I'll just leave it at that), crani/o = head, & -ectomy = surgical removal. I'll leave it to readers of this comment to piece that one together for themselves.
p.p.p.s. I really need to get over my habit of rambling while commen- I'll shut up now.
4697496
No worries! I prefer long, rambling, semi-topical comments to none at all.
And guess what — there's a part of this story planned where you'll get the opportunity to use your joke!
*looks at the plan.
… if you remember it by then…
This is absolutely wonderful. I love the slow build of the character development and the smoothness of both the exposition and the dialogue.
Thoroughly enjoyable read!
4728156
Thanks for the kind words! But… perhaps you might want to favourite it so you can get updates.
4728502 ... Oops, I did forget to do that, didn't I? 'Twas late. Corrected!
I'm still fascinated by how you build character and story in a slow, almost sideways manner. It's something I don't yet have the patience or skill for, and I love seeing it. Cynewulf does something similar, and like here it drags me in but I can't figure out how to do it.
Probably helps to read a lot more classic authors and study the language in depth...
4729408
Thanks for faving, and see you next chapter!
However, neither Cynewulf nor I quite know what you mean by "sideways". If you could further explain what you intended, we would be grateful. A friend hypothesized that you meant the other stories were required to fully understand the characters, but I don't believe you've read them yet (hint hint).
My closest guess: You mean I place the readers directly in the character's life, everything already in motion, and don't make any concessions for them. I let all the information come into the story naturally, when it would occur to the character, or through another character's dialogue.
If that's the case, I'm glad it's working. I wanted to have this story — all of my stories, in fact — start in media res and avoid flashbacks and (blatant narrative) exposition.
4731666
You sort of hit upon my meaning further down- that information is presented as it's received, with no real exposition, but that doesn't quite convey what I meant. By 'sideways' I meant that I felt we were learning about the characters by hearing their thoughts, as if we're listening over their shoulder, and only getting their viewpoint, one that requires you to put yourself in their place to some degree.
It's always been an iffy point of view for me to read- done wrong, it's a boring recitation. Done right, however, and it slips a characters quirks, flaws, and biases in quietly, and you only catch them as they slide past; you have to re-read some things and try to adjust your viewpoint to that of the character. It's not a head-on presentation, nor a backwards-looking perspective; it's like looking in a window as you walk past and learning the context of a situation by what you observe.
To my mind, you're very much doing it 'right.'
4748559
Ah, I see. Thanks for elaborating and for the compliment. Hopefully I'll see you back here in a couple days when the next chapter goes up!
4749510
Definitely, I'm looking forward to it very much!
I'll also take this chance to shamelessly beg that you give a look at my own story, of which I'm about to post the next chapter.
4751782
Okay, sure I will.
I also find it ironic that the first link you posted was to The Last Link.
And while I've got a hold of you, I'd like to also shamelessly plug my other two stories, to which this one is very closely tied.
4751939 I've started reading them, to be sure! Interesting ideas and I like the characters. :)
4752144
Thank you kindly! I shall reciprocate soon, likely within the hour.
Aww poor Squal, all alone!
4761258
Being a pegasus won't help with the cold of an empty bed.
Huh, well we know he doesn't end up with the gryphon, which is kinda sad because I know she is going to leave at some point.
4803436
Ah, dramatic irony…
Still, though, this may not be the last we see of Gabriella. You never know…
4805988 Can't wait for more.
Interesting as always and I will say this, I am so interested in the griffons right now!
Damn, that's just crushing.
4867765
I certainly hope you don't mean from an expectation-of-quality standpoint!
This particular chapter had been running through my head for months by the time I finally wrote it, and I certainly hope it worked out well.
4867884 From an emotional level, poor parents.
Woooooooo! More back story and now we see his dark family history, I can say I was expecting worse.
4903579
Oh yes, there's always more back-story from me.
I've been enjoying this story so far, but I have to say this chapter is something of a letdown. You've already told us the story from Guiding and Squall's viewpoints; it wouldn't have been too surprising to see a chapter from Rising's perspective. Instead, the interesting part of this section of the story is told second-hand by an outsider to it. Squall fills us in on only a few little things and we miss all the action with the bullies. Not to mention, there's absolutely no dialogue when there darn well could have been. (Also "But I found that his room empty".)
5078664
I corrected that error you pointed out.
As for the point of view, I made that decision very deliberately and for a few reasons. First, it would go against the intent of the story, which was to show a parents'-eye view of a child growing up. Second, it would have stretched the story out another 20K easily, and I didn't want the story to be that long. Third, and related to the previous point, I wanted to practice writing wherein a large section of time passes in relatively few words; this has previously been a major difficulty for me. If you have advice for how to write over a month compressed down to the salient points without it coming across in such a way as to disappoint you or others, I'm very willing to learn. I tried looking up advice but failed to find anything helpful. Fourth, I intend to eventually write out what happened in the school in its own story.
There is one more reason I didn't shift to Rising's perspective, but that's not something I want to reveal to the world yet. It's something that — hopefully — will become clear over the course of the stories when they're viewed as a whole.
Responding to the dialogue portion, I often find myself writing too much dialogue. I face a constant battle to avoid talking heads and falling into pointless side conversations. This chapter was also a challenge to myself to imply all the dialogue. It seemed to me — and I may have been wrong — that dropping verbatim dialogue into such a sped-up recounting of events would end up harming the sense of how it flowed.
This chapter was a right mess. :( I feel like I missed something major, and I couldn't make heads or tails of all those unicorns showing up one after another, or really even why they were.
So am I right in assuming this is the unmarked sequel to your other two stories? It would explain why the characters are so strong, which is what drew me into the piece. It would also explain why nothing in the second half makes sense. Had this been marked, I'd have gone for the others first; instead, I'm left wondering what the point was, and shaking my head at what appears to be a horrible jumble. Which is a shame, because the first three chapters were just fantastic.
5082770
5082825
It seems most likely that you missed something around when Stop Watch shows up. Of course, the most of the character know the consequences of the major action previous to that scene. I could have stated it through narration, but I felt like it would be more rewarding to the readers if they came to the conclusion themselves. I thought I dropped enough hints, but I may not have. Though, if I understand correctly, you pieced together why the professors showed up by the end of the story or maybe even chapter six.
No, but it's complicated. I'll try to explain without spoilers. They're absolutely in the same continuity, but the other two published stories take place approximately thirteen years later — though they were written first. There are, unsurprisingly, some things in them that would help provide expectations for how this story turns out.
5085592
Okay, that's about what I thought.
What I feel was missing was an explanation for this "unicorn levels" thing, and an explanation for why and how a half-dozen unicorns would suddenly swarm onto a colt after a magic surge. Granted, we don't really know what got Twilight into the entrance exam in the first place, but it seemed like you were taking far too many liberties with the world and not justifying any of them. Of course, that could very well have been lost in the continual stream of technobabble each character spews. That was thoroughly confusing.
I liked Stop Watch and thought he made sense in context. Obviously, he would show up because he already knows what will happen; as to why everyone else did, it's unclear and confusing. Having left it to just him, and perhaps one or two others (the asshole gravity guy and the healer, to provide counterpoint about what the teachers are like, and of course to heal him) would have made the scene a good bit easier to follow. I can understand if the point was to convey the parents being overwhelmed at this major life change thrust at them, but overwhelming the reader doesn't make for good narrative. :B
5086747
It seems like that may very well be the case, as I did have a paragraph to lay out most of how the orders work.
Yeah, that was the idea, but I could probably cut Relative Motion, and definitely Decibel Level, while maintaining the same feeling. In fact, I'm already getting ideas for how to smooth the transitions with them gone… I'll work on that. Hopefully having two fewer characters will make the scene less confusing. I want it to be rewarding to piece together what's going on, not aggravating.