I love to draw and write, I hope to one day have a very sucsesful book out
While messing around with spells, Twilight accidentally turns herself into a colt with the name Dusk Shine. After finding out the spell might be permanent, He gets the task of taking care of Luna's long lost daughter. The teen alicorn brings drama , romance, and hard times with the good of hope for a better life.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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This... This needs improvement,
A nice attempt on the first chapter, but there is always room for improvement.
4656862
Sorry It kind of sucks, I'm kinda young and still learning
Woah, woah. Hold on. How can Nurse Redheart barge into the library if it was snowed in? The phone lines wouldn't be able to work in blizzard for that matter...or... unless...
MAGIC!
4657358 ...
This comment bears no malice to you personally, so keep that in mind while reading this. I am honestly not trying to troll you or put you down.
I will be forthright and say, I did not read your fan-fiction. Just the Story Summary alone prevents me from doing so.
If you really wanted to use a teenage Dusk Shine, then just use a teenage Dusk Shine and put the AU story tag up. Trying to wrangle Twilight Sparkle into a gender-swap AND age-regression AND identity change pushes way past the line for reader believability.
Add to this, an OC of "Luna's long lost daughter", and you are seeing the dust trails of potential readers riding off.
Fan-fiction writing is balance between expressing your Creativity and having enough Source Accuracy to be believable, to draw in potential readers.
Try this for a story premise...
See the difference? Same characters, similar premise, no radical changes to canon continuity.
4657358
Good attitude.
For one, you are capitalizing a lot of unnecessary things, such as dragon and pony. These do not necessarily need to be capitalized, much in the way human or fox wouldn't. Secondly, don't put a space in between quotation marks.
" This does not look right, "
"This does,"
Also, I'm sure you've heard of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. You don't have to say, "the sky blue Pegasus" or "the orange earth pony," you can say their name much more than you currently are and still not sound repetitive.
Also, on a less objective note... Try to avoid Alicorn OC's for the most part, unless you really, really know what you're doing plot-wise. Many people will have an adverse reaction to seeing an Alicorn OC, and probably accounts for 50%-60% of your down votes.
Don't want to impede on your creativity and say "don't write about Alicorn OC's," but take into consideration how people will react to one, especially in such a common situation as a sleepover.
Also, Pinkie Pie, not Pinkiepie.
I'll be more than happy to help you with your writing if you would like, just PM me and I will be able to walk you through this in much more detail.
I'm not that much of a writer myself. I can't say anything because my writing is almost like yours. It doesn't suck actually. You have a really great plot line. Just have someone edit your story. Your story felt a little fast-paced. Put detail into it. When I read it, I felt like you rushed this get this story done. Take your time.
4657448
Now that shit I would read.
This story made me want to gouge my eyes out with a spoon.
This story escalated quickly but with more detail could actually be really good. Take your time and pace your story.
4657466
Well, I know I made a lot of mistakes I am kind of new to the to the Brony community.
And, If you could help me, that would be very appreciated.
4658614...
Actually responding to Commander Fowler's comment, but seeing yours, I can offer another bit of assistance/advice.
Find an Editor &/or Proofreader(s) to help with your writing. Always remember: You can have the greatest story-premise in the world, but if your Technical Writing (spelling, grammar, format, etc.) is poor, then your fan-fiction is dead before done being read.
For finding an Editor & Proofreader(s) here on FiMfiction site itself...
~ a. Looking for Editors
~ b. The Proofreader Group
As the general rule for literary writing, you should only have a single Editor, but you can have multiple Proofreaders.
~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~
4657694...
Thanks for the vote of Creativity confidence
. I came up with the suggested alternate story premise for Bluepony2467 right off the top of my head whilst typing the previous comment.
4658741
Totally. Not to oversell the idea, but if he doesn't go that route, you should write that, because it is rare for me to actually get excited over idea. That one actually grabbed my attention a bit.
I liked it