"Hey Anthony! Come on there is something you need to see on the telly!" my older brother shouted from the second story window before closing it shut,
How do you close something shut? Does that mean you can close something open or is it a double negative meaning that's its just a weird way of saying open ending it? ... ... ... Or maybe that's just a grammar mistake and I'm just doing this cause I feel like it.
Wow. Major difference. And for good reason. This is really good.
Anthony is more relatable because we see more of his civilian life. He has a beloved. A family. He's not yet PTSD and as such is still adjusting, so he feels more real. He's entranced, surprised and yet cautious of the new world he's in. The detail you've put into the story is as lush as always, and Zecora is smart.
The ponies...are smart. Intelligent. Reasonable enough to understand a surprising amount of information about Anthony from tracks alone. Do you have any idea how RARE it is to see a story where the mane six and their friends are INTELLIGENT and SMART? Instead, they're all genre-blind, idiotic and the protagonist often is the only smart one who has to show them the answer or takes advantage of their idiocy and naivety to get what they want. This is such a refreshing change of pace.
The only downside is perhaps a few grammar errors like, say "Do you believe in this crap Anthony? I mean come on!" When they might come across better as "Do you believe this crap, Anthony? I mean, come ON". But I don't care much about grammar or spelling unless it's REALLY egregious. So by all means...I'm up voting this story right now.
Well no one else seemed to notice so I'll point it out. Periods dude... Periods. Some of your "paragraphs" are just giant run on sentences, specifically at the beginning. Doing good story wise though.
How do you close something shut? Does that mean you can close something open or is it a double negative meaning that's its just a weird way of saying open ending it?
...
...
...
Or maybe that's just a grammar mistake and I'm just doing this cause I feel like it.
4645360 Well it seems I did make a mistake, thanks for pointing it out.
Wow. Major difference. And for good reason. This is really good.
Anthony is more relatable because we see more of his civilian life. He has a beloved. A family. He's not yet PTSD and as such is still adjusting, so he feels more real. He's entranced, surprised and yet cautious of the new world he's in. The detail you've put into the story is as lush as always, and Zecora is smart.
The ponies...are smart. Intelligent. Reasonable enough to understand a surprising amount of information about Anthony from tracks alone. Do you have any idea how RARE it is to see a story where the mane six and their friends are INTELLIGENT and SMART? Instead, they're all genre-blind, idiotic and the protagonist often is the only smart one who has to show them the answer or takes advantage of their idiocy and naivety to get what they want. This is such a refreshing change of pace.
The only downside is perhaps a few grammar errors like, say "Do you believe in this crap Anthony? I mean come on!" When they might come across better as "Do you believe this crap, Anthony? I mean, come ON". But I don't care much about grammar or spelling unless it's REALLY egregious. So by all means...I'm up voting this story right now.
4645953 Well I am not that good at spotting grammar errors so I mostly rely on those that read my story to spot it out for me so I can correct them.
4646183
Grammar's really not that big a deal. Everything else is really, really solid, and you should be proud. ^_^
MUH FREEDOMS
4646620
x2.fjcdn.com/comments/Muh+Freedom+_3a7d6e8d5cf4aca139e8b6db14c62774.jpg
4646620 I don't know how to take that.
4646647 I had something similar to that for dinner yesterday in the afternoon. It was amazing.
4646828
Well no one else seemed to notice so I'll point it out. Periods dude... Periods. Some of your "paragraphs" are just giant run on sentences, specifically at the beginning. Doing good story wise though.