Twilight's Prison

by Vale Decem

5- A Bit of Exploring Never Hurt Anypony

Blood Stone sat awake in his bed, half snuggled under the soft, sheep-wool comforter. He held a book infront of him, turning the page by hoof every once and a while. The book had large font and small words, quite obviously meant for younger foals, but it was the most he could manage. Still, he progressed, albeit slowly, through the book. It was very well illustrated and told the story of two princesses who ruled Equestria long ago. To other ponies, the book quite obviously was the story of Nightmare Moon, but to Blood Stone, it was about a neglected sister who just wanted friends, not to far from his past situation. He turned to the princess snoring next to him, covering her eyes from the light with a pillow which did nothing to deafen her. She'd been trying to get him to adjust to her schedule of sleeping during the day, but Blood Stone still preferred his regular time. Silently, he wondered if the story was true, and his mentor was truly evil once. His storybook did not give names, but the pictures did bare a good likeness to Luna.

When he reached the end of his story, Blood Stone sat up and walked silently to the hotel bathroom, turning the light on once the door was properly shut. Inside, he removed the several bandages on his hooves and cleaned out the cuts. For the smaller incisions, he applied a small piece of padded adhesive, accidentally sticking one of them to his nose at first as he was opening it. For one large cut along his foreleg, he took a roll of Medical Tape and wrapped it around several times. He remembered this injury- it was the first time he had attempted blood magic. Princess Luna had demonstrated how to draw the symbol with her horn in her own blood, and passed him a special knife for him to try. Blood Stone turned to the knife currently sitting next to the sink. It's blade was new and a shiny silver and its handle, originally designed for earth ponies hooves to be easier to pick up, was ivory with intricate carvings in it. He had dug the knife to deep and it had bleed profusely. Poor Luna had to excuse why there where bloody stains to be cleaned off the carpet. As of now, it had just started to scab.

He finished and went back to his bed in an attempt to sleep. Unfortunately, none came- the light of the sun that shined through the curtains made him feel unable to. Blood sighed to himself and grabbed his saddlebags, embroidered with Luna's cutie mark (as he was a blank-flank himself), grabbed a hotel key card, and a few bits and walked into the hallway. It was quite busy- Maids, tourists, and families all trotted by, leaving or entering hotel rooms. It was unusually busy for hotels, but this one had been quite popular and only had two floors. He adjusted his eyes to the brightness of the lit hallway and began to walk along its shaggy carpet.

Getting down the stairs was a bit tricky, as the bandages on his foreleg limited its movement and made it hard to bend. He tripped shortly before reaching the end and fell with a "thump" onto the landing of the first floor. Luckily, most ponies took the old elevator and where not there to see his embarrassing fall. He would have joined them if Luna had not warned him about going in public areas.

"Ponies would wonder about the bandages," she warned, "And the less questions for thy to answer the better."

When Blood Stone picked himself up, his stomach let out a low rumble. He checked a wall clock hanging above him.

"It's 2:30," he thought, "...Or 3:20? Anyways, time for lunch."

But, suddenly, somepony bumped into his side. "Huh?" he blinked.

"Sorry, sir! I wasn't watching where I was going," the mare said politely.

"I-it was my fault," Blood said eventually, rubbing the back of his head nervously. "I was just checking the time."

The mare was about to answer when her eyes drifted to his legs.

"You should be checking those wounds of yours, too! What happened, sir?"

"Uh... well... I ran into a wall."

"Then why do you have some scratches?"

Blood looked around and saw some small, un-covered wounds- like deep papercuts. Oh no! I forgot about those! he thought. "Um... my friend threw paper at me!" he said quickly before galloping away.

"Hmm," the mare said to herself, "What a strange little colt."

Luckily for Blood, most ponies had already eaten and he could go to the hotel's All-day Buffet without worrying about other ponies. When he reached the food-filled table, a servant stopped him from grabbing a seat.

"Sorry little Fella- but the buffet is for hotel guests only," The waiter stated.

Blood was still getting used to baths. Even after a week, his fur still had a slightly grimy look to it. The waiter probably just assumed he had come from the street.

"Actually, sir," he paused, turning to root around in his saddle bag and pulling out his key card in his mouth, "Erm stayern here."

The servant looked over the card, checking its number.

"Mm-hhm... You are that colt Luna brought, yes? I'm sorry, go ahead and eat," The waiter apologized. "Can I get you anything to drink?"

The unicorn ordered a glass of water (he was not allowed to drink much else, because most beverages were alcoholic) he grabbed a plate, and surveyed the buffet. It was small, with only one row of food, and most of it had been picked clean from lunch. He would have to wait until closer to dinner for them to be replenished. He decided on hay fries and some daisy rolls. He returned a few times, each time filling the plate, until he was stuffed. Although the buffet was free for guests, he still left a few bits for the Waitress that came and gathered his plate when finished, hoping she would find them while cleaning the table before supper. He journeyed back upstairs, without falling this time, and returned to his room.

Instantly, he could tell he was in trouble. The lights were on and in front of the beds stood a grumpy looking Luna.

"Blood Stone," she scolded, "We did not know where thy hadst run off to, and thy scared Us very much."

"I-I was f-fine, Princess." He stammered, not looking Luna directly in the eye. "I w-was just getting some lunch. I didn't l-leave the hotel, I s-swear."

Luna sighed deeply, she could not hide the colt in this room forever, there was no holding back his natural curiosity. She smiled faintly when she remembered how much trouble she and Tia had gotten into because of their own want to explore.

After a bit of careful consideration, Luna turned to Blood Stone.

"Pack up thine things, please. We are going somewhere.. better suited for thou and thy training."

Author's Note:

Hello Everyone! Unfortunately, I was very busy this past week/weekend, so this chapter was written in bits an pieces. However, thanks to the help of a wonderful editor, Lunaalicorn, I was able to finish it! She even helped write some of this chapter! Go read any of her stories please of you have the chance, she is so wonderful!
Till next chapter, Allons-y!

Comments

[pendrake72]

@Vale Decem...

1. Glad to see you are still working upon this fan-fiction. While I am not actively following your story via Favorites {No malice, just personal preference.}, I do stop by when I see it on the Latest Updates list.

2. Which is a good thing too. I have to point out that you are both overdoing and butchering the Ye Olde English for Princess Luna's speech patterns. At most, you should be using only one word/phrase of Ye Olde English (thou, thy, thine, etc.) in a sentence, or even every other sentence. Also, avoid contractions ("do not" vs. "don't) when speaking for royalty as well as use of Ye Olde English. If you watch scenes with not only Princess Luna, but also Princess Celestia, both alicorn sisters avoid using contractions.

The best guideline for writing Ye Olde English speech patterns comes from comic-book legend Stan Lee, when talking about writing the archaic speech patterns of Marvel's Thor.

Keep it simple. Keep it concise. And most of all, keep it clear to the readers.

Hope this continues to help.

[Lunalicorn]

4729138

I don't have Vale's opinion on this- but his Editor, I'll have to deny half of your help.
Speaking with one Old English word a sentence is... strange. Sort of like this:
"I gusta pastel" -Half English, half Spanish.
Although, again: I personally would deny this information but have to speak to Vale about it.

Thanks for the opinion,
Luna.

[pendrake72]

4729601

Except you are not using two different languages (spanish/english) here, you are using the same one (english/english), just different temporal dialects.

Again, it is about clarity in the speaking lines whilst showing Princess Luna's older speech pattern, not saturating it with nothing but Ye Olde English.

exerpted...

"Blood Stone," she scolded, "We did not know where thy hadst run off to, and thy scared Us very much."

"I-I was f-fine, Princess." He stammered, not looking Luna directly in the eye. "I w-was just getting some lunch. I didn't l-leave the hotel, I s-swear."

Luna sighed deeply, she could not hide the colt in this room forever, there was no holding back his natural curiosity. She smiled faintly when she remembered how much trouble she and Tia had gotten into because of their own want to explore.

After a bit of careful consideration, Luna turned to Blood Stone.

"Pack up thine things, please. We are going somewhere.. better suited for thou and thy training."

revised & refined...

"Blood Stone," she scolded, "We did not know where thou had run off to, you worried Us greatly."

"I-I was f-fine, Princess." He stammered, not looking Luna directly in the eye. "I w-was just getting some lunch. I didn't l-leave the hotel, I s-swear."

Luna sighed deeply, she could not hide the colt in this room forever, there was no holding back his natural curiosity. She smiled faintly when she remembered how much trouble she and Tia had gotten into because of their own want to explore.

After a bit of careful consideration, Luna turned to Blood Stone.

"Pack up your belongings, please. We are going somewhere...better suited, for thy training."

See the difference? Less use, simpler and more clarified, and does not sound like Princess Luna is trying to shove Ye Olde English down the readers' throats with every word.

If you think I am wrong, go watch Luna Eclipsed episode again (or read the episode transcript), or other speaking scenes with Princess Luna. Besides the deliberate comedic points, how much does Princess Luna use the Ye Olde English?

Alternatively, you can read up on Marvel Comics' Thor and see how the Prince of Thunder speaks when talking to both the Midgard mortals as well as his fellow Asgardians.

[Lunalicorn]

4729731
I think you should just stop. Why are you wasting your time, editing Ye Old English, when no one is listening? Get your own story and edit that. I'm really, really not in the mood.

[pendrake72]

4844727

I had stopped here at this fan-fiction with earnest critique comments, freely offered advice, and canon-example guidance, and because I thought the story-premise was interesting and reached out a friendly hand to help pitch-in a few bits to help improve the fan-fiction itself.

In truth, I had completely forgotten about this fan-fiction after my last comment, and I certainly would not have taken any offense for not taking my critique &/or freely offered advice/guidance if simply ignored.

And that is all you had to do for this issue to be dropped without so much as a ripple: Nothing. No reply, no derision, no reaction. You could have gone on your merry editorial way and I would have very likely never given this another thought.

But no, instead you decided to make an attack at me because you say you are "not in the mood," which more says to me that you ARE "in a mood" from having made such a comment-attack.

So here is a last bit of earnest advice: If you want your pond to stay smooth, quiet, and clean...?

Then do not throw rocks.

~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~

@Vale Decem...

I am sorry that your Editor feels such vitriol by my comments. I earnestly meant well by you with my comments & critiques; as I said, I thought you had a good story-premise. But I have no interest in causing &/or engaging in more conflict, so I will Let It Go at this point.

I wish you well with the rest of your fan-fiction, Vale Decem.

[Lunalicorn]

4853341
I'm really sorry about that last comment.
Even if I wanted too, I've NEVER been one to take advice, so that's one side to it... but my life's been a little rough lately. I'm one of those people who doesn't show emotion freely, and I need to buy a punching bag. Whenever I'm mad at someone, I usually play videogames and listen to music for three hours, but that time, I unleashed it at you. Sorry.

Then there's the other part. I've been really depressed lately... good friends are trying to help me get through that, but it still just adds on to that anger thing I have. I guess my traits don't add up together well, now, do they?

Again, I'm really, really sorry. You don't have to reply to this comment. Just hate me, or forget about me.... that'll be okay.