~2~
Life in Equestria was more hell than Tartarus was. Problems were endless for Celestia and left her with an ever-present migraine.
In Canterlot, a city mainly populated by unicorns, accidental injuries and deaths had become prominent. The city had long been used to the comfort of magic, but now that it had been stripped from them, basic living by hoof was the only way. However, without magic or special talents, doctors and other trained professionals were not able to keep up.
It strained her to think of the Cloudsdale... "incident", all those innocent ponies who had fallen to their deaths... Tirek had not realized (and would not have cared if he did) that when sucking Cloudsdale dry of magic, he also took their ability to stand on the clouds, and they all fell through. Only roughly 40% of the inhabitants survived, most of them involved in the pegusai stand against Tirek and had not even been in Cloudsdale at that moment.
Then there was problems in Appleloosa and similar farming towns. Without the strength of earth ponies, harvesting had been difficult, but especially for Appleloosa, where harvesting depended solely on strength to knock down the apples. However the ponies found the inner strength to preserve- Until an unusually powerful storm, which could of been stopped by pegusas before, who now couldnt help, washed away what was unharvested. She had done and redone the calculations, at least 10% of her ponies would starve at this rate.
But the most looming danger was the other creatures inside and outside Equestria, while allies like the Saddle Arabians had offered what help they could, others like changelings and creatures inside the Everfree were wasting no time to take advantage of their weakness. The griffons were divided on whether to help or attack the ponies, and at the moment remained neutral. It was rumored though that Gilda was one of the main supporters of invading.
This was her fault, she knew it and always reminded herself. She had placed to much trust on friendship, believing it could change the worst of villains, and defeat someone who could take all they had with one breath if he wanted too. Discord had been banished for his treachery, and he was last seen wandering the Frozen North. She could not find it in her heart to forgive him. Celestia would not make the same mistake twice. She did not blame Twilight, she should have prepared the mare, taught her more powerful spells rather then leaving her to learn on her own. She should have confronted Tirek herself instead of trusting her previous worst enemy to turn down temptation. But this was her punishment, for making the wrong choice, and nothing could change it.
The remaining mane six had done their best to help. Applejack and her family had left for Appleloosa to help with the work and their relatives. The others aided against the monsters of the Everfree. Rainbow Dash worked on the battle front, Rarity and Fluttershy both worked as medical helpers, while Pinkie did her best to boost morale of the other "soldiers". Cadence and Shining Armor aided when they could, sending supplies and food, but little of it was able to make it through- Chrysalis' changelings guarded the borders of the North.
These where dark times, and Celestia could find no answers to save her Equestrians. The armies she had could barely keep the Everfree in check, and would be wiped out when the Changelings made their assault. Her kingdom was alone, without magic, and dying, but she was helpless to stop it. Stepping from her throne and heading up to her bedroom above, Celestia decided to hit the sack early. She needed sleep right now, as much as she could get.
Manehatten had always been a place where you could hide from your past, restart, live a new life. That is exactly why of all ponies, Princess Luna trotted along its darker streets, searching for a certain address. Whispering street names to herself, she turned to a dimly lit street and knocked on one of its shabby doors.
"Who the hay is knocking at-?" An older grey unicorn mare with a blue-grey bun started, but then paused as she noticed just who was on her doorstep. "Oh! Princess! Come in!"
The mare opened the door to reveal a rather tattered entrance way. The wallpaper was old and peeling, a coat rack sat tilted on the wall, and the nearby stairs where missing their railing and a few steps. The worst part of all was that foals of all sorts of races, sizes, and colors where sleeping everywhere- the floor, the stairs, and one filly who close by stirred slightly due to the door digging into her hind leg.
"We were told that thou is caring for a.. Blood? Blood Stone?" Luna whispered, not wishing to wake the foals.
"Ah yes, Blood, he's a cutie, but he never talks. He was orphaned because of that rouge dragon attack a few years back. One of the only survivors too, him and... ah... what was her name... Anyways, let me go find him. Give me a minute, sweetie!" The mare said in a sing-song voice.
She began humming to herself as she stepped over the many colts and fillies, searching for Blood Stone. She turned around the corner, and Luna lost sight of her. The colt who had been nudged by the door sat up and looked up bleary-eyed at the princess.
"D-d-did I hear m-my name?" He stuttered, a bit too quiet for Luna's ears.
"Please say that again, young colt, we don't think we got it." Luna said, leaning down towards him.
"Did s-somepony s-say m-my name?" He asked again, cowering a bit from the princess.
"Are you Blood Stone, son of Crimson Drop and Blood Stain?" Luna questioned.
The colt nodded.
Luna gave the colt a look-over. His shaking body was light orange (slightly muddy, too), and his mane was faint yellow with a spiked style, with a strand of dark red curling around his horn.
"Do you know what your parent's special talent was?" Luna asked.
"They were a doctor and a nurse- for healing ponies." He answered, a bit confused.
"We're sorry, Blood Stone, but thy's parents and their ancestors practiced a forbidden magic. And for the salvation of Equestria, thy must learn it too." The princess stated, her voice firm. "Now let's go- I can take thou somewhere...Safer."
preserve = persevere
Cloudsdale...
@Vale Decem...
1. Well it looks like my critique (along with other comments) was erased with your revision. But that you did do a revision leads me to believe that my critique did get through for its intent & purpose. Chapter 2 is definitely much improved, though there is plenty more to be cleaned up, corrected, and worked upon for the better.
2. This one part was niggling at me past its read-through...
~ a. "Mane Six" is a label that fan community gave the six main pony characters. Within the cartoon, the circle of friends are more often referred to Elements of Harmony (as a whole). An alternative fan-label, accepted officially as well, are the "Element Bearers." But for whatever other labels, "Mane Six" is not something that should be used within this fan-fiction, and definitely not referred to in conversation.
~ b. Pinkie Pie can fulfill the role that Historical Comedic Icon Bob Hope (among many other famed names of the entertainment business of that era) did for the USO. The loss of her earth pony strength and endurance may slow her down physically, but it is Pinkie's indomitable & irrepressible spirit that makes her stand above other ponies as the Element of Laughter.
~ c. Also, a hostile blockade does not "guard", it "cuts off" or "interdicts" help/supplies.
.
3. It is definitely an improvement for Celestia to view the ailing Equestria and her spirit-breaking burdens of duty as the consequences for her over-reliance upon Twilight Sparkle, rather than your original version of blaming Twilight and cursing Friendship. Celestia should blame no one but herself for her current purgatorial predicament, which is more accurate, believable, and tragic.
While the Season #4 finale was quite the epic battle between Princess Twilight vs. Tirek, it also fell victim to what is meme-termed Michael Bay Syndrome, lots of action, but lots of plot-hole stupidity.
It irked me at the glaring idiocy points of the episode, especially for Celestia...
~ a. We three alicorn princesses, with our centuries of experience, will transfer all our power to Princess Twilight, who has been an alicorn for all of one year.
~ b. [Celestia]: Don't tell your friends about the magic transfer. You know, your six (including Spike) best friends whom have repeatedly saved Equestria? Don't trust them.
~ c. We will entrust and hide our alicorn magic in Princess Twilight in hopes that Tirek will never learn of her existence. Except for the halls of giant stained glass windows depicting the last four years of Princess Twilight's life, including where she lives. Even my daughters were /facepalm-ing at that.
.
4. Word Count & Descriptive Narration... Much improved with the word count with the revision, keep improving in that regard. You will find that higher Word Counts are actually easy to reach once you start working towards better Descriptive Narration. Always remember: the reader audience cannot see inside your head, so it is your Author's responsibility to paint a vivid and detailed picture/scene for the reader. But by the time you finish painting a scene or character in-depth & in clear detail, you will find that your Word Count has reached 2000+ for an "average" word-count per chapter.
5. Editor &/or Proofreader(s)... While I assume you read my critique, I will post the links again just in case since you definitely still need an Editor &/or Proofreader to go over your works and my critique post was deleted with the revision.
For finding an Editor & Proofreader(s) here on FiMfiction site itself...
~ a. Looking for Editors
~ b. The Proofreader Group
As the general rule for literary writing, you should only have a single Editor, but you can have multiple Proofreaders.
Hope this (continues) to help.
@Charelzzz
Thank you for catching that, I'll fix it in a sec.
Also, after their magic was taken, the princesss appeared very weak/tired. I was just implying Celestia was still weakened and not able to stand at full height. I should probably clarify that though.
Thank you!
Little rough around the edges, pendrake72 has a lot of good advice.
For my part...
Ouch. Kinda butchered this bit. If you're going to write Ye Olde Luna it'd be good to learn some of the rules. I won't claim to be an expert by any means, but I do know that you've got the thee/thou bit a little wrong. Thou is used for the subject form, the direct 'you'... "You must learn" whereas thee is the object, "I can take you." Also, there is no "thy's" but rather "thine" is what you want. Something closer to:
Note: If this is Royal We Luna, then make sure she ALWAYS uses "We" and never "I". The Royal We is meant to be used in circumstances where Luna is representing all of Equestria, hence We. Also, the strikeout is on words that I suggest removing, plus I removed contractions. Luna's speech is very rigid and proper when she's talking like this, and she doesn't take 'shortcuts' with her words.