A half changeling cannot use his abilities like the others can, and is called a freak. He soon tries to flee to ponyville in an attempt to start a new life.
Chapters (3)
- Member Since 15th Jun, 2014
- offline last seen Aug 8th, 2014
FluttershyBeingDom
I try to make music, only made one song so far. Closet fan of mlp, more a fan of the fan-made material than the show, I suppose.
FluttershyBeingDom
Joined 15th Jun, 2014 ·
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The start to my first story. Hopefully I didn't make much grammar mistakes.
I got a dislike. Um, maybe some criticism/pointers/advice?
Most of the problem that I saw was that you switched from 1st person to 3rd person too often and without show in break. You also had the quotation marks wrong " not ' and one last thing;
Foal = young Gender neutral equine
Filly = young Female equine
Colt = young male equine
Other than that your story had a few notable mistakes here and there but it has potential so keep it up.
Hmm, there is something odd about your writing style. I mean i didnt even realize the characters gender until the last paragraph, though thqt might be more my fault than yours.
I believe that you've picked a difficult style when trying to combine a first person perspective and present tense, and you keep slipping into past tense making it difficult to follow the events of the story. You are also writing with a sparse but overly repetitious style. For example
You mention the others walking off twice using the same words ("just walk off") and repeat that the character is tired as well ("so tired" "too tired"). This means that the reader can easily lose their place when reading, the repitition starts to make reading feel like a chore, and you just threw away to reveal more about your character. A better example would be to change the way you reiterate statement by adding additional meaning and altering the words said.
Actually I'm not entirely happy with my attempt, but I'm getting tired of typing on a touch screen. Anyway its a decent start and interesting enough to make.me leave this long winded comment, so you've already managed the hardest part, you've gotten yourself an audience.
The best advice I can give, ironically, is to ignore any advice and focus on what you want to create.
Hmm, its more direct in this chapter, but you slipped into third.person quite dramatically mid way through, also you are again switching tenses quite a.bit.
4558918 Oh wow I didn't know they were gender based
awkward lol Ill fix that up lol
Yeah I noticed I would conveniently change through the tenses for ease of writing, I should be a little stricter on myself.
4559755 Thank you I will try to keep that in mind some more. I was a lazy writer in high school so this probably resulted from that. Or I might have an odd thought pattern lol. Prolly the lazyness tho.
You had my curiosity the first chapter. Now you have my attention. I'm loving it.
4583877 Thanks.
I went back now to reread through and correct some mistakes of grammar, in the second chapter I changed the 3rd person to first person. Going back over my chapters will help get me back on track for the next chapter anyways. Its been a few days lol.
Good read although there were a few errors.
You used 'much' where 'many' should've been used. For example: "...own many mirrors..."
There were a few incorrectly punctuated sentences. Also 'tho' should have a 'ugh' at its end: 'though'. The first 'through' should be 'thoroughly'.
And one more thing, even though those reading the story could probably guess where this changelings differences came from; exactly how did a changeling breed with a pony to have offspring? And, more importantly, why?
4593539 That could be explained as easily as the queen getting love drunk and sleeping with a pony one time which resulted in pregnancy. or to maintain a disguise when she was out of magic one day, or actual drunkenness from one of the cities beverages she tried too much of. The main character probably only saw negatives in being half pony early on so didn't really want to question the queen especially when she is unforgiving. I might be able to provide answers eventually, but I have a few other things I want to try to work out. I'll check out those errors soon. Thx.
Made my heart pound
MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Odd One Out
Grammar score out of 10: 4
Pros
I really like the worldbuilding in the society of the changelings. You should go back and expand on this, perhaps introducing certain secondary characters as alphas and elders, and giving them proper roles in the story as antagonists or gatekeepers for the focus character rather than just mentioning them in dialog and having them remain nameless. Of course it could be that changelings are nameless, but it seems to me that if they're going to have personalities, you could give them some sort of name, even if it is something like Drone729 of Hive7, Elder Feareater or something like that. Also, perhaps there could be a proper caste system like termites have. Instead of becoming an alpha, you are born it it with all the arrogance that would imply. Also in that case drones could be on top, with scholars, soldiers and workers being the other three classes.
The idea of a mutant changeling has been with us since Chrysalis first graced the show with her adorable evilness, but that is because it has a lot of appeal. You have to be careful when walking around such well-trod ground in order to avoid cliches; your character has abilities that allow him to make up, in part, his deficiencies, otherwise he would not have survived. This is good; we don't want another alicorn changeling Gary Stu.
Cons
First off, don't take this the wrong way. When I first started, I thought I had written a fantastic world-changing epic, and then some well-targeted criticism crushed my eggshell ego. It needed crushing, however, for me to get out of my own way and admit to myself that my reach exceeded my grasp and start writing more effectively. That doesn't mean it didn't hurt, but if you have a broken bone, you need it set. So here, have a brandy. Ready?
Your grammar really needs a lot of work. You switch tenses, you switch from first to third person, you use numerals where you should be writing out numbers (that happens to every writer, I just need to point it out,) you are missing commas and you need to run it through a spellchecker. Basically, you need proofreading and editing. You can do it yourself but it means reading your story over again about four or five times. If you want, I can make a pass at it for the punctuation and spelling, but the tense errors and switching narrative style issues are fundamental and you need to make decision and stick with it. Is your story first person present? That's hard, expert level stuff and even then isn't really all that enjoyable for most readers. First person past tense is easier, but third person past tense is what about 80% of fiction is written in and there's a reason for that: it is easy and the structure allows for a combination of exposition, action, dialog and introspection through the generally accepted use of italics to indicate thought. What to write for my next point? The reviewer scratched his chin in deep thought.
While I like the scrying, I wonder how the viewpoint character learned it. This is a pivotal plot device and an important part of character development; it deserves more than a single line of explanation, You could do a whole chapter on the character learning forbidden skills by sneaking into advanced classes and blending in order to get access to an education for which the circumstances of his birth did not entitle him. Also, I always assumed that Canterlot had been infiltrated for some time, which is why Chrysalis was able to time things as well as she did. Maybe you could have some ponies imprisoned (guards?) and have the main character interact with them. Perhaps his low status relegates him to the role of assistant jailer or poop bucket cleaner or something like that.
Also, referring to the changelings as ponies seemed odd to me. I think that hatchling rather than foal, nymph rather that colt or filly, and drone (or whatever) rather than pony would allow you to better distinguish between insect changeling and mammal pony societies when you make the transition in future chapters.
Notes Section:
I hope you take this criticism in the spirit of helpfulness with which it is intended. I am certainly no professional author, so don't weigh my opinions too strongly. I do some tech writing at work but most of what I write isn't meant for human eyes... I look forward to seeing this story expanded on and completed, and as I said before if you need help proofreading, I will be happy to do what I can. As far as editing goes... well, I hope you can glean some nuggets from this review that you may be able to put to good use.
I hope this was helpful to you! Please help me out by looking at Pretzels. Thanks!
4637620 Thanks for commenting. And naw I psoted another story that did atrocious so I am aware Im not perfect, and I have always had horrible grammar honestly. First school system i was in, kids were bullied all the time and I hated the repettion of the school work, I was teased most during english. And I would bend the paperclips on the worksheets and stuff procrastinating on doing the work. I have always been bad at english. But because I love daydreaming lol, and other forms of entertainment, I decided to try this a little bit. But now Im stuck because idk what he will do in ponyville, he could make his wings somewhat invisible but not fully as I suggested before. So he would fail, unless he waits til its nighttime to introduce himself when theres less visibility and his wings can seem more invisible. I was going to have him briefly test out the necklace as well. Then I can have some pony he meets at night tell pinkie pie the next day that theres a new resident. Then some sillier ideas that prolly wouldnt be popular lol.
4638839 Writing is daydreaming for someone else to enjoy
Should I continue this? I sort of drifted away from this site recently. But after watching the very dark and mature pony.mov series I have an idea for a creepypasta. I don't want to disappoint people, if I liked a story I would want to see it through til it got boring or finished.