Dashea is a college graduate who majored in English, minored in Creative Writing, and writes under several Nom de plumes
A pony’s cutie Mark. It is something the CMC want to desperately acquire. But what would happen if they not only got what they wanted, but were thrust upon a path that could potentially not only change their destiny, but also have effect on all of Equestria?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Seems interesting... like and fav for now
^ he's the god of messing up Faust's stuff
Seems legitimate.
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
So Let me get this straight: Sweetie Belle said the spell, and Apple Bloom and Scootaloo suddenly went inside her, and now she's an alicorn?
borderlineinsane.files.wordpress.com/2012/12/close-enough.png
The Alchemical combination of the three aspects of ponydom? Considering the resulting filly still seems to perceive herself as Sweetie, it's reasonable to assume she is the 'dominant' persona. I wonder if she inherited their memories and experiences as well, or whether only the aspects were merged and not their minds. Hmmmmmmm, You have my interest
Magick should be magic
THIS IS NOT THE TIME OR PLACE FOR PONY TRANSMUTATION, SWEETIE ELRIC!
~Lieutenant Oak
4548062 Magick is an archaic way of spelling the word magic. But thank you anyway.
Well done but the Indiana Jones references annoy me , once would be fine but it was mentioned like 5 times .
" It was only because of Fluttershy that we survived. " for some reason this feels or sounds rather strange coming from Sweetybell perhaps you should try to incorporate her upper class English accent more in this line .
In the beginning of the story Twilight is the one who tries to fix Sweetybell I ask why not Celestia as she in more familiar with magic and naturally Twilight would have tried to fix her before coming to Celestia making this scene seem a bit strange at least to me . .
" ~Nearly 24 hours earlier~ " I don't think that this in necessary and for me it removes me from the story just for a moment which is something which is best avoided . I think it is natural to conclude that the second scene is before the first scene chronologically .
“Ah don’t know,” Apple Bloom said, doubt in her voice as she tried to figure out what exactly it was Scootaloo was saying they should do.
I would write this as : " Ah don't know " , Apple Bloom's voice thick with doubt as she tried to get her hooves around what exactly it was Scootaloo was saying they should do . ( sounds confusing enhancing the feeling of Apple Blooms confusion , removes " said " )
That is all I have to say but it is very well written I might give it a second read over latter .
Good story so far.
A request! Considering all the things, even in canon, left in that castle... Please have some pony tell the Princesses to station some damn guards there.
What next? Does somepony find the Rainbow of Darkness being used as a doorstop?
Oh-ho! She "ate" 2 of them! 2 left 1 to go!
4549233 Thank you for the feedback you provided. I enjoy it and it helps. I have a two questions. What five references to Indiana Jones. I only know of one, and that is when they are talking about archeology, which was put in deliberately.
I tried to match this as much to the cartoon as possible, so for the way Sweetie Belle talks, can you go into further detail as to what you mean by an upper class English Accent (I'll be going back and watching episodes centred around Sweetie Belle and seeing what I can pull from them).
Twilight, instead of Celestia, trying her magick on Sweetie Belle is probably a plot hole I should go back an fix. I have noticed a couple other things that probably should be corrected and after I have posted the rest of the story, already have part 2 finished and am starting on part 3, I'll go back and fix as much as I can. If more people complain about the 24 hours bit, I will gladly remove it. Also, I'll see what I can do to fix Apple Bloom's dialect in that one spot. Again, thank you for the feedback. It is much appreciated.
>> Dashea Rayne
Alright I will admit I was kind of overexerting but reading it over again the words " tomb " , " tomb raider " is a bit overused during the second scene and I cannot help but think of Indiana Jones when ever I read those words making it appear to me as I if it were said 5 or more times .
Indiana Jones and the raider of the lost ark ; the words " tomb + raider " trigger this correlation , use them less to make the latter reference a little less obvious and more of a surprise . Use mausoleum , catacomb , sepulcher ext .
I do understand that they are just young fillies but I think Sweety Bell could use these as she and Rarity have quite a large / sophisticated vocabulary . I can especially see it used it sarcasm . " Ya,h lets go and explore the ancient Acropolis you said . " YA SEE WHAT THAT'S GOTTEN USE INTO ! next time we spend the day doing something proper like bobsledding " ( couldn't think of anything , sadly I'm nowhere as good as you at the accent thing got a mix between Apple Bloom and Sweety Bell )
The latter reference :
“I bet it looks like a fedora and a bullwhip,” this reference I'm fine with but all of the previous repetitions of " tomb " and " tomb raiders " makes this rather obvious and an easily seen reference .
I'm sorry if i was a bit unclear but I'm fine with Sweety Bell's speech structure throughout the whole story and the only problem I had was at that on sentence . " It was only because of Fluttershy that we survived. " this sentence feels too direct to the point , reread this paragraph . The last sentence just feels out off place.
>>Eternity 6
Holly !@#! I type really slowly I started my reply a minute after you comment and now it is 30 minutes latter .
Curse you dyslexia
4550960 I'll go back and edit the overuse of the word Tomb and consult a thesaurus on words to substitute in. In truth, I was going for one reference to Indiana Jones and one reference to Tomb Raider/Laura Croft. When I go back to edit, I also try and correct that one sentence of Sweetie Belle's. Again, thank you for the advice.
I like the concept, but between the really boring/meandering descriptions, excessive sentence structure, and extremely OOC dialogue, it couldn't hold my attention.
Absolutely awesome! you got yourself a follow a fav and a thumbs up
Can't wait for next chapter. You did very well
When I saw this, it said there were 666 views.
IT'S A SIGN.
4549647 One does not simply use the rainbow of darkness as a door stop... a paper weight is a much more likely scenerio!
I got to say this is a interesting story you have so far :3
Ok, let me start out by saying, wow. Just... Wow. This is an idea I've never seen before, so its easily one of the most unique stories I've ever read. Good work!
4548240 How in the heck did you manage to reference Pokemon, fullmetal alchemist and mlp all at once!?
I have no idea but it is glorious.
I like it. Though note the fight part seems rather out of nowhere and I would personally prefer some dialogue in such a scene. It seemed also not particularly important...Eh just my thoughts.
So far I'm really interested.
4563830
I believed.
Good premise, but that's just the tip of the iceberg to a successful story. Lets see if you can roll the punches in the subsequent chapters.
Delightful story. I want to see where this goes.
I wish to start by saying thank you to all who have liked or favoured or are following this story as well as those who have offered titbits on what can be edited. As soon as I have finished posting this message, I will be going back and posting not only an updated version of part one, but also posting part two of the story.
If interested, editted bits of part one include fixing some of the dialogue for Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom (I want to keep this as close to the show as I can) in two spots, changing or removing some of the overused words and, at the behest of one person who has commented on it and my English professor, I have also removed the bit of about 24 hours.
I apologise in advance if it still seems like the story has "boring/meandering descriptions, excessive sentence structure, and extremely OOC dialogue" (whatever OOC means), but this is my writing style and is a reflection of the types of books I read and the creative writing classes I have taken. So, please either enjoy or don't enjoy. It's up to the reader.
Their dialogue REALLY doesn't sound like that of children, I'm sorry. Try reading some of their lines aloud, in their unique tones of voice. Doesn't feel right, does it?
I was a bit surprised to see that Human tag since it wasn't there before.
Well, dis gun be interesting. I wonder how many other people know who that is.
Wel, well, I didn't expect this to turn into an HiE story, but you managed to pull it off quite well. Looking forward to the next chapter.
4579748
Is that person Merlin?
4579803
An HiE story involving two alternate/other universes at the same time reaching Equestria. And I wonder if there will be a third...
Dashea,
First off, great idea using FimFiction as a testing ground to improve your writing! Writing for an audience like this is far more rewarding than any writing I ever did in school, you'll find real and extensive constructive criticism here, and I'm happy you have a professor who has joined the rest of us in the twenty first century.
You obviously have the basics of writing down, but given that you have no blog posts or favorites, I'm guessing this is your first serious foray into a canon you're not an expert on, so first off, welcome to FimFiction. We use various acronyms here, and OOC translates to Out Of Character; when you see that, it means someone thinks you haven't properly studied and internalized the character's values and methods of speech. Many of us started writing on FimFiction because we find it easier to borrow a set of well defined characters to write with, instead of having to create and flesh out new ones, but if you don't have this problem, you might find it easier to write your own OC's (Original Characters), and have only tertiary involvement from the main cast.
Since you've already got a good start, I'll focus on a few things that could make your work even better:
"She sat on the floor of the boutique, her new wings dropping, every so often a hiccup escaping her. Looking at her, each with a mixture of concern and anger on her their faces, were four Alicorns, an Earth pony with three red apples on her flank, a unicorn with three diamonds on her flank and two ponies nobody could really make out because they were almost standing in the shadows."
First off, remember your audience. You're writing this on FimFiction for known fans of the show, and you acknowledge this in your use of terms like 'the boutique'; only fans will know that you're talking about Rarities home and business, yet you then go on to say 'an Earth pony with three red apples on her flank'. We all know that's Applejack, and the only reason to describe her is if that description is going to be relevant to the story. For example, if I wrote "The red car", then the car has little relevance to the story, we acknowledge its a car and get on with it. If I write "The red 1992 Toyota Camry station wagon that left an oil spot on the pavement wherever it was parked", then I'm telling you the car is old, that the characters owning it probably were smart enough to select it for it's reliability, and that they valued cargo capacity and fuel economy over other considerations. In your piece, the description is clunky and unnecessary because it adds nothing to the narrative.
Along this same line of reasoning: "and two ponies nobody could really make out because they were almost standing in the shadows." you haven't told us that the shades are drawn, or that the lights are low, so the room isn't actually dark. Given that, why are there shadows? The narrative is internally inconsistent here, or else its trying to tell us the room is dark in a rather clunky way. Once more, you could just say "Applejack, Twilight and several others." and get the point across more clearly.
Hope this helps, and best of luck on your future writing!
Cozy Mark IV
I still like the story, and I applaud the inclusion of Myrddin.
The 'Evil slaving humans' is just a bit
for me though.
4579748 Oh, I know, alright. I've seen enough documentaries on him. It's Merlin the Enchanter, wizard and advisor to King Arthur Pendragon, the Once and Future King of England.
4580180 Thank you for the feedback. Yes, I am using FiMFiction to experiment with my writing. Before this, I have never tried to write fanfiction, so this is a first with me. As such, a lot of what I am writing here is not of what I normally write or have had published in the local literary magazine. I am familiar with the My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic cartoon enjoy watching it and Generation 1 (but despise Gen 1.5/Gen 3 and have never seen anything for Gen 2) and have the first three seasons of G4 on DvD, A Dash of Awesome, the first Equestria Girl's movie and have pre-ordered the complete series of G1. So, with that said, I just move on to say that don't know what a blog and am still learning the workings of the website. My problem with acronyms is that when someone says something using only letters, there is a number of combinations that could be used to spell out words, some nonsense, some that actually make sense. This problem might lie in my levels of understanding, intelligence, mild autism, the culture/manner I was raised in, etcetera.
I am always looking for ways to improve my writing , which one of the reasons why I experiment. Certain things I find work for me, certain things do not. After I have finished this, if I do write another MLP: FiM fanfiction story, it probably will not be with any of the characters from the television programme and I will use a character of my creation, as I do much better with them. The sentence structure in the opening was set up to be double sided. I tried to think of ways to describe Rarity's business and home without actually using the name Carousal Boutique, thus in the ending simply shortening it to boutique as a way to describe a fancy store. Going with that same flow, I didn't outright say the names of the ponies because I felt that it worked better that way and since I have no name for Scootaloo's parents or a way to describe them, this I felt allowed me to transition into the fact that they are standing a bit in the shadows, figuring that even in an open shop, without any lights turned on and light streaming in through the windows, there would be shadows. I can go back and retype it, but the problem I might have is it might disrupt the whole flow of the narrative, thus leaving me with the issue of possibly having to retype the whole story.
I also choose to describe Apple Jack, Rarity and others in this manner in case someone who has never seen the show and is discovering this through some internet search. I figured that by using this sort of intro, it would allow for build-up and a transition for either audience, whether familiar or unfamiliar with MLP: FiM, that is reading. But, as stated previous, this is an experiment, and if more people find this to be a problem, than that is okay and I likely shan't use such an opening in the future or go back and attempt to retype it. I figure it is all along the same lines of someone commenting that I don't have the dialogue right for children. I can hear in my mind the Cutie Mark Crusaders speaking, but in this case the only way I could get the speaking bits absolutely correct is if Hasbro or one of the writers of MLP: FiM assisted. But, since no such thing will probably happen, I will probably chalk it up to lesson learned and not likely type another story with the three fillies, or any children, again, as my knowledge of how children sound is rather limited as I often choose to often ignore them and don't normally incorporate children into my stories.
So, thank you again for the feedback and hope that you enjoy the rest of the story (Part three is finished and after I edit it, I'll post it in a week).
I don't know how I feel about you throwing a Human tag on the fic ... throwing humans into the fic felt a tad breaking on my suspension of disbelief. But I will try to give this fic a few more chapters of a go before I decide whether I'm going to ditch this fic, or keep following it.
i KNOW YOU GET THIS LOT IN THIS chapter but I was surpise about the HUmans being part of this story but i liked it
4587299 Yeah, but I don't let it bother me. I just wrote the story. If you like, cool. If you don't like, also cool. Somethings people like and something people don't like. I just type the story and hope that at least one person enjoys it. Also, what I honestly thought people would complain about was the fact that I wrote Celestia and Luna as a couple of Earth ponies who became Alicorns.
4590734
I am not saying I disliking it i JUST DIDN'T see it coming at all.Amazing world you've built you build so far ( i kind of like Luna and Celestia were earth ponies was a nice twist)
4590788 I'm sorry. I didn't mean to imply that you disliked it, if that is how my response came off. I was just attempting to state a view I have on writing and publishing.
4591927
No it ok, I should have worded my comment better
So we have to wait a week for each chapter?
4593585 It's cool and everything worked out.
4595861 Aye. I'm sorry if this is an issue, but this allows me not only to type the chapter, which takes me about a day or two (depending on how distracted I am) but also allows me time to self edit.
Having set out with an idea of story with a beginning, middle and end, I wound up getting diverted and with things in the first part that needed addressed, this chapter was an unintended addition to the story. So, with part three up, I should hopefully have part four (which I am thinking will be the end) up by next Saturday, but make no promises (have to attend to other matters). Again, thank you to all who have offered feedback and enjoy part three.
...I think my brain is unable to comprehend whats going on in thsi chapter...
Did Sweetie Belle jump to another reality or timeline or what? Because things stopped makeing sence for a while there.
4614545 Where is it not making sense? Maybe I can help.
About the time where the finished her teleportation marathon and went to Rarities boutique is where I got lost and.... ooooh.... that whole part was a flash back and I didn't realise it. I just reread it and went back and reread chapter 1 before I figured it out...
4622087 Sorry. I probably should have been more clear that this unintended part was written in an effort to correct some problems in part one as well as wrap up as much as could before I proceeded onto the next part (which hopefully should be the last part, but there is no telling).