It is a cool idea, but there are a few parts that I would have liked to see more detail on. I wish there were like a dozen more chapters.

4585470 Sorry that I rushed it, but I wanted people to finally know how it ends so that they understand the cover art.

I definitely considered writing about how Twilight captures all three Princesses and publicly tortures them, but I had my doubts I could pull it off.

Oh god, you want a dozen new chapters, eh!? I'm glad that there are some who would read it. And I thank you for your support! But for now, it's over. I might rewrite it later on in life if I become a better writer.

4585636 I would suggest trying some one-off single chapter stories. Choose a hot situation and put as much detail as possible.

4585655 Good idea!

You know, at least "Cupcakes" and "Rainbow Factory" had something like a comprehensible plot structure.

This is just stupid. Heck, even "The Spiderses" was written better. And it was a trollfic.

4606217 Hey, my story is good. It even has cute naked pony slaves getting sacrificed. What more could you ask for?

So you found the plot incomprehensible? Well, I suppose I could add more detailed exposition, but then how boring would that be? I've spared you exposition because it's a drag. Now thank me.

I for one enjoyed this story, I would have however liked to seen how a few of the ponys went, Like Fluttershy I'm sure hers would have been amusing to read about. And also the last slave I think you could have done a little better, more detail as it where.

Besides that it was an intersting story.... Still a LOT left out because of massive time skips but besides that pretty good...

4626065 Thanks for your comment! The issues you raised are things I did indeed worry about, but I didn't know enough about what people thought.

My main goal was to stay on the track of what I considered were the "main story arcs". That is because I'm not sure how many words people are willing to read for something like this. At 12,000 words, we're looking at three hours of reading material. I couldn't get a prereader to touch that with a ten foot pole, believe me I tried.

If I were to go into detail about the death of the mane six, that would be tangential to the main story. I could always add new chapters, though. I may consider doing that.

As for the massive time skips, they exist because it's too predictable what's going to happen within them. If I went into detail on the deaths of the slave ponies, I fear that the reader will say something like "when is something UNEXPECTED going to happen?" The way it is now, the reader gets to use their imagination to fill in the mundane details. Or maybe they get off on mundane details. Who knows?

Beyond that, I agree that I actually could have done better on certain parts. Thank you for telling me my story is pretty good, anyway! I'm always clueless until I get good feedback.

4627986 I try, hehe. I did enjoy the story though, The consept of Evil Twilight is intersting and I liked how she was done.

I'll have to look for more stories with Evil Twilight in them maybe i'll find some good ones?

4628362 I don't know of any, but if you find something good let me know!

4628374 I'll do my best

Best story ever ( but a little to much pg-13 for me)

4665472 Thanks, friend! You're the first person to throw around the phrase "best story ever".

While I wouldn't go that far, I know that some of my story does live up to that hype. I'm thankful that you noticed what was good.

I'm curious if you're saying that the story was too tame or too violent. PG-13 falls in this middle ground so I'm not sure which side of it you're on.

4667402
Not to vielot i meant its to much on the molestia side for me, not that much,anyway this is just me. Im listening to classical gonna change it...nvm its over :)

........The fuck did I just read? And why did I finish it?

hm, an interesting story

7577810

I guess the "Canterlot underground" doesn't drink the water; and Celestia doesn't care as long as they don't make too much trouble.

Yes I agree with that line of reasoning. I hadn't thought of that before.

(Also: inspiration?)

I haven't read that book before. There's a popular belief that the government puts fluorine in the water to placate and calcify a part of the human brain that when healthy is supposed to enable free-thinking and psychedelic experiences that would make us more difficult to indoctrinate into what society wants us to believe reality is.

Personally, I don't believe that fluorine is much worse than any other toxins, but I keep the consumption to a minimum. Because of the placebo effect, it is best to honor your belief systems about whether you think the water is safe to drink or not. Anyhow, that was the inspiration.

7579256
...You keep water consumption to a minimum? I'm glad I don't have a stake in your health.

7828878 Roger roger, we have pain. Should I spell out if they enjoyed the pain or not?

7579256
You're not supposed to drink fluorated or chlorinated water right from the tap. Fluorine replaced chlorine because of mucroscopic organic toxin produced from boiling which never appear in nature.

Fluorine evaporates. And some amount reacts to mineral salts during boiling in water, producing _something_ living organisms able to consume, fluorine is part of our bone structure and teeth. Although too high intake nake result in brittleness.