From the Desk of the Chief Editor
Dear Spectrum Sprint,
It is with both regret and relief that I write to inform you that your submission to the Canterlot Publishing Group has been denied. I apologize if this is not the answer you were looking for, but we feel that your... erotic romance entitled "A Knight in Twilight's Chambers" would create undue financial and political stress for the Canterlot Publishing Group and its affiliates—including yourself. Not to mention that nearly half of our editing division quit—quite vocally, I might add—upon our chairmare's mere consideration of your... novel.
Furthermore, I feel we must inform you that copies of your draft have been created and sent to both the Royal Guard and to Princess Twilight Sparkle herself, due to concerns regarding the safety of persons, property and Equestrian Law. We apologize for any inconvenience this may create for you.
I have also enclosed, at my own personal expense, a textbook on equine anatomy and physiology; I highly encourage you to read them, but allow me to point out a few specifics for you.
1. Sexual Intercourse and "sexness" do not consist solely of cuddling, hugging and kissing—and I don't even know how you got the idea that wrestling was involved. I'll let the book get in the details.
2. The cerebra—the boney protrusion that creates the iconic horn all unicorns bear—does NOT work that way!
3. It is impossible for a mare to impregnate another mare through normal intercourse. Also, conception does not happen that quickly under any circumstance.
We here at the Canterlot Publishing Company hope you understand our rejection and are not discouraged to try again in the future. However, we strongly encourage you to study up on grammar, writing and physiology. We also encourage you to choose a subject matter that isn't considered high treason.
Sincerely, Twilight Velvet
Chief Editor, Canterlot Publishing
P.S.:
Next time you write under a pseudonym, try not to make it so obvious, Rainbow Dash. Try to be brave and talk to her, okay? You'll never get an answer writing stories...
A Knight in Twilight's Chambers:
A Romantic Tail of Romance
By Spectrum Sprint
Twighlight Sparkle was in her castle being supper hot and reading and doing other egghead stuff when she looked outside and thot "wow! That hot, awsum mare Rainbow Dash sure did do a great job with the whether twoday before doing her Triple Rainboom Super Flash—Not that stupid Flash Sentry guy who I totally hate cuz he's such a sleazebag and only wants me for my body and not cus I'm so totally cool and smart and nice and super cute—but the regular kinda flash that made out of microwave light stuff that makes a super bright light like when Rainbow goes supper fast!" Rainbow Dash waz the koolest pony in Ekwestria and Twighlight totally had a crush on her beecuz she was so awsum.
"I no!" Twylight sayed, Standing up on her legs. "I'll go tell Rainbow Dash how I fell abowt her because she's so nice and she'd tay understand that friends can sometimes get fellings four other friends like crushes and junk and she'd be okay with it even if she didn't like me back—even tho that's why I'm scarred and haven't not talcked to her yet!"
Twilight used to be scarred for telling Rainbow Dash about how she felled about her, butt she wasn't anymor.
So she gott up and walked to the dore and opened it and walked outside. "Where are you going Twilight?" Spike axed her before she went out the dore she was going out of.
"Shut up Spike! Twilight yelled, slapping that little jerk. “You always ruin everything like wen Rainbow tried I tried to tell Rainbow Dash howe I felt last week!"
Spike cried and hit the wall from Twilight's slap and cried as Twilight towerd lomed meancing looked tall over him. "I'm sorry!" He cried! "I'm sorry that I always ruin everything and that I stepped on Rainbows tail that one time and that it still feels funny when she does her super awesum Triple 180 Barrel Roll Twist! which is awesum! You shud kiss next time she does it, cuz she only does it four yoo cuz she made it up for you!"
"I shood" Twilight thot, tapping a hoof on her chin in that super cute way she duz when she's thinkin reely hardly. "Cuz i think Rainbow Dash is reealy pretty and I always wanna kiss her and hug her even though kissing and hugging is totally sappy and uncool, because Twili Rainbow is the only paony in the worlds coool enuff to hug and cuddle withe. I'm off to go tell her i'll love her forever and ever now!"
And then Twilight left to go outside to tell Rainbow Dash how awesum she is. "Rainbow Dash!" Twilight yelleded and then Rainbow Dash appeared awsumely and came through the clouds and flew awsumely threw the clouds to Twilight and landed reely awesumly and looked cool and Twilight blushed, but Rainbow totally didn't cuz Rainbow Dash is cool and blushing is totally not even tho blushing every now and then wen your neere a realy ckewl mare is taly okay and Twilight new that.
"Hey, babe," Rainbow Dash said awsumley. "What's up?"
"I think your awsum!" Twilight yelled, jumping in the heir and raising those super hot purple wings that some ponies dreem about in there embarrassing dreems. not that Rainbow Dash evur had Dreams licke that, cuz thoze dreems are embarassing and Rainbow Dash doesn't dew embarassing things evur.
Rainbow laffed and hugged Twilight, because she new howe totally awsum Twighlight is. "Eye no I'm awsume!"
"And I love you!" Twylight sayed happely kissing Rainbow right on the lips and blushing reely cuty—but Rainbow didn't; cuz Rainbow had totally been kissed by lots of reely hot mares, like Spitfire and Prinsess Selestia, even tho she had to let them Down jently cuz she had her i's on a different, reely cute mare that was a secret, but not the embarassing kind of secret, the kind that yoo had wen you no that othur ponies nkowin yur seecret wud ruin everythin becuz you had a plan an stuff.
But Rainbow totally wasn't surprised that Twilight liked her in the special way way becuz she was Rainbow Dash. Who was awsum and gets all the mares evur.
Twilight gasped and run away cuz she kiss Rainbow and waz worryed that Dash wudn't like her bach—a feer that's okay to have, even if yur coool, Dash knowed. So she run to her and kissed her back on the lips and Dash said "I love yoo two, beautiful," but it wasn't sappy at all. It was awsum cuz Spike came out to try and ruin the moment, but EXPLODED in a gajillion, trillion, bajillion pieces and Twilight laffed. "Serves you right! You tail-stomping moment ruining plan ruiner!" She yelled. And then Rainbow Dash picked her up and carried her in the castle that wasn't as cool as the library that she loved to go too and read and not to look at Twilight's distracting butt, becuz she's super strong, but didn't have ugly muscles like Applejack did.
And they went to Twilight's room, but Flash Sentry was there with a love potion! Before Rainbow Dash cud do anything, he made Twilight drink it all and then she kissed him and feeled in love woth him!
Rainbow Dash waz madd!
She got really angrier and punched that jerk in the face and he exploded! But his butt exploded first because it waz sew ugley!
"Noooooo!" He yelled. "Rainbow Dash is better than me fore Twilight, but I still don't know my place cuz I'm stupid and I only like her cuz she's a princess and not cuz she's a super special pony like Rainbow Dash dus!" Then he died. And exploded and died again.
Twilight woke up from the potion and hugged Rainbow cutely. "Yay!" She yelled. "Eye hate that jerk again! You saved me, Rainbow! You're even more awsum than befour! I love you!"
Rainbow Dash smiled epicly.
"Let's do sex!" Twilight yelled happyly!
"Ya! Doing sex is fun!" Dash said awesomely.
"But I'm still a virginia!" Twilight yelled. "I dun no how—"
"I'll teech you!" Dash yelled radically. Then she kissed Twilight on the lips again, but on the bed this time cuz it was four sex and Dash had done sex lots of times before! But Twilight was a virginia, so she taught Twilight how too do sex and knowed it was okay to not have done sex before because you could still be cool and Twilight was cool and somwas Rainbow Dash, who was awesum also.
Then, they wrestled on the bed all knight and did ots and lots of sex! Dash pinned Twilight all the times and sucked on her horn like she once saw her parents do that one time she cot them wrestling wen she got home frum flight camp. Twilight was amazed at Dash's sexness and that Dash won all the sex games—but Dash always won at sex cuz she was Ponyville's beast athelete. "Waw, Rainbow! Twilight yelled. "Your reely good at doing sex!" Then She gott pinned again and Rainbow won again.
"O no!" Twilight yelled suddenly! Her cute little tummy that had just the right amount of jiggle too it was getting bigger! "We did two much sex and I'm prega praygre gonna have a foal!"
"Don't worry babe!" Rainbow yelled awesomely again. "I'll marry ya and we can have lots of foals and sex and be in love and snuggle every night forever!" But it wasn't sappy cuz Zombie Flash Sentry came and Rainbow killed him withe her awsumness!
"Yay!" Twilight yelled. "I love you forever and I'll never ever love anypony else cuz you love me for who I am unlike that jerk Flash Sentry who's such a sleeze!"
"I'll love you forever !" Rainbow yelled awesomely two.
And then they all lived happily ever after even Spike who came back two life cuz he's not such a bad guy but he reely needs to stop messing everything up for me Twilight.
Except Flash Sentry. That jerk was dead forever and never looked at Twilight with his jerky I's again!!!
The End
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Still a better love story than Twilight...
good god, rainbows grammar.....
That seems about on par.
Also way to go Dash, you submitted porn of yourself banging Twilight to Twilight's own mother. Who's now called the cops.
I'd call the cops too if I were her.
I expected to find a serious story...
I received this.
Contrary to the fact that the intentionally bad grammar, and vocabulary nearly gave me a headache... This was absolutely hilarious.
You get top marks, sir, for being a hilarious genius!
4463615
There are two major flaws that I can spot with Rainbow's story:
1. Not nearly enough "Lavender Unicorn" in her story.
There needs to be at least seven occurrences of the phrase "lavender unicorn" in a self-insert erotic slash fanfic of this length as per chapter 3§12.2 of the Collated Fanfiction Guideline Omnibus Handbook
2. Not enough greengrocer's apostrophes.
How can you expect to write a catastrophically horrendous fanfic if you do not include at least 3 superfluous apostrophes? Without those, the best you can hope to achieve is merely "terrible".
I... uh... ummm....
You know, often times I tell people that writing, more specifically writing well, is a lot harder than most people realize. But.. writing this badly I think is even harder.
And do you have some kind of allergy to the word "to"? I did a Ctrl+F to make sure; the word "to" does not appear once in this entire story. Ever.
Has... has anyone checked to see if he's still alive?
I have a headache just reading all that bad grammar and spelling.
That being said, my laughter is not helping my head at all. I blame you for this.
That was really cute.
But now I want a followup with Twilight's reaction when she receives the copy of this story.
"Spike axed her before she went out the dore"
My sides...
Something ate all the 'to's in your story, leaving only double spaces behind. Might want to give it a once-over. The first sentence alone has two missing 'to's...
4464599 Also in the middle of words as well. I mean, it doesn't really take much away as it's usually obvious what is meant. But it's a minor nitpick.
4463851
A few explanations. Yes, I'm alive, but only barely. Editing this was... a headache. xD I was doing my best to make Rainbow's... bad grammar... as good as possible, and by that I mean I was trying to make it bad but not like... obviously bad? I don't know. There's a difference between something that's naturally bad and something that's TRYING to be bad. It took a lot of work, and I think I was able to help Blundy pull it off, but boy did my head hurt.
Second thing, I swear to god that the word 'to' WAS in this fic when we edited it. Problem is, Blundy wrote this on his phone's Google Docs app (his computer is still dead, and he got tired of not writing, so he tried his phone). I am almost 100% positive that his phone messed up in the copypasting of the story into Fimfic. I've seen it happen before. But I promise that there WAS 'to's in the story to begin with.
Actually, when he first published it, it said things like 'Editing by Verrm'. Now that makes sense. Vertorm - the t and o in it would become Verrm. What the fuck happened, Blundy?
4464853
That makes sense, also every time the word "totally" came up it was only "tally" and there were a few other instances of a "to" being removed from the middle of a word. That... is hilarious
We need a sequel with Twilights reaction to getting this story.
I saw the story after the letter and I Nope'd my way to the comments.
img.pandawhale.com/81124-fuck-this-shit-Im-outta-here-g-Apfn.gif
I feel this is the only proper comment I can make to this.
4464943
I want Flash Sentry to write a counter Fic.
..............................
there are no words to say how bad that was.
"Shut up Spike! Twilight yelled, slapping that little jerk. "
Idk why I lost it at that sentence...lmao
4465553
It was intentionally bad.
4465675 we had to call the FAA to get clearance for the jokes flight path over kaijinzero's head
4465875
...that joke may have just been as funny as the fic itself.
And dear god, is this what happens when 4chan meets Equestria? Because I feel like it is. Mine oculi. Like I've already told you Blundy, you're too good at writing badly
4466045 I try. Usually fail, but I try.
Shit, maybe I should actually just write.
What in fuck?!
...
I LOVE IT!
Sweet Celestia, Blundy, what horror have you wrought?
I laughed so hard my roommate's Labrador started barking at me! You and Vertorm found the perfect compromise between bad grammar and terribad grammar. 13/10 best Twidash.
Well, that explains a lot!
I, for one, agree with Spectrum Sprint. Take THAT Flash and Spike!
Yes, yes. Now go directly to jail for your creepy self-insert. May every other creepy self-insert author follow after.
Terrible writing aside, "Spectrum Sprint" is a pretty cool-sounding pseudonym.
This is the best TwiDash fic ever!
I was worried that Flash might ruin everything, but luckily Spectrum Sprint was there to save the day.
This was Glorious.
Couldn't have been easy making something this bad intentionally.
My god; Rainbow's grammar!
That was the most atrocious fanfic I've read. Ever. Though I do most of my reading on Fimfiction... OK, all of my reading, this was the worst thing I've read grammar wise. And ironically, I loved it. I kinda sped read through the actual fic part, not the letter, so I cranked it out in about 2 minutes (I read 500 WPM when I read normally, so speed reading essentially doubles that). I'd love to see a reaction fic for Twi, as she'd probably just edit the crap out of it then send it back to Rainbow, as the pseudonym isn't that hard to figure out. 
'Spectrum' is a synonym with 'Rainbow', and 'Sprint' is obviously a synonym with 'Dash'. Rainbow, you seriously have to think of better pseudonyms 
I read this out loud, and my roommate and I were in stitches!
Dash:
Blunderbolt:
4465875 that comment was the joke.
i was well aware that the fic was supposed to be vomit inducing.
Let's have us a read here,
*puts on editor goggles*
....
....
*removes editor goggles*
I... I couldn't. I tried, but I couldn't. I read about three sentences in and my soul, MY VERY GODDAMN SOUL, would not allow me to read something so terrible, even knowing that it was made as such on purpose. All I can say is good show.
4465875
PFFFT AAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAAAA
4471614
Now you know what my pain was! It killed me to edit this fic, because instead of fixing errors, I had to make the errors BETTER. T_T
Never in all my life...
Um.... How can you die, blow up, and then die again?
This is hillarious, it made my top five comdies. If I had a critque it would be that Rainbows story doesn't have to be that bad....she knows how to spell door and do for instance, cleaning it up a little would still keep the story funny but make it a little easier to read
Sequel.
Now.
I know that Rainbow wrote this story, but did Rainbow Dash ACTUALLY kiss Princess Celestia and Spitfire? Because the rest of the Rainbow's story is fiction, I think not. But if it's true (even if I highly doubt it), I can only wonder what happened after Dash told them...
4530140
Easy. Appear in a bad self-insert vengeful fanfic. In such situations people (or ponies) die, blow up, and die again all the time. I think Ginny Weasley and Mai are classified as subatomic particles these days.
This was extremely funny, especially when I saw Twilight Velvet's name. And her telling Dash to just talk to her daughter was actually kind of sweet.
So, do you die and then come back to life, and then die again?
Paradoxes. They are logically unacceptable.
Any good fanfics I should know of to progress my daily famfiction reading?
4918034
I want a sequel where Trixie writes about herself banging Twilight
4463587 Anything is a better love story than Twilight.
4921506 "blade" by BranStanley, if you want a truly twisted but deep story, this is for you... and the gore, dark, and tragedy tags are not for show... or for a bit of randomness, "A happy and sunny life" by wearinhat
This is so
goodterribleawesome that I favorited even though I hate TwiDash!Then Twilight attacked Rainbow Dash for her crimes against the Equestrian language.
jusd b4 thay had seksTwilight's mom is a very forgiving pony. And Rainbow Dash has some serious problems (even aside from her difficulty with words).
WHAT THE F***!!!!!!!!!!!
My IQ before reading:63
My IQ after reading:-30,607
You must've cringed while writing with the bad grammar. I don't blame you.