Well... you said you wanted some criticism and I JUST started reading... but there is one thing I MUST point out.
You really REALLY need to cut back on sentence length.
Like...
Grabbing my combat fatigues I slipped right on in after grumbling in my helmet about it being too damn earlier for another mission since I was one of the first of many pilots to be on the ground at the airbase that held many of the ships that would have offered more defense to Demeter and me an extra few hours of sleep but nope, they got mostly crushed by the Leviathans and Dragons that broke through the Dog Whistle Towers after they came crashing down from the bloody Militia incursion.
That's the first paragraph... and it's not even a paragraph! It's a single god damn sentence!
Why couldn't you keep miko alive it would have made the story better especially the romance part you should make another version of this story but with miko alive. What was that? You said you will? Well fantastic thumbs up to you sir
Damn
I saw what you did there.
DOCTORS
Well... you said you wanted some criticism and I JUST started reading... but there is one thing I MUST point out.
You really REALLY need to cut back on sentence length.
Like...
That's the first paragraph... and it's not even a paragraph! It's a single god damn sentence!
Why couldn't you keep miko alive it would have made the story better especially the romance part you should make another version of this story but with miko alive. What was that? You said you will? Well fantastic thumbs up to you sir
Wish we had more Miko. Would've made things interesting.