Naxanz
Joined 5th Mar, 2012 ·
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I regret reading this....i was never here.....
412748 wait for me, I'm coming too!
412748 This story is going to be the prequel to the original Rainbow Factory...
412748 Make room for me too
412757>>412816 Sorry no room.GET YOUR OWN BUSH!
412828 You damn greedy bastard!.....Well shit...I CAN EVEN SEE WHAT HE WROTE IT BUUUURNS!! IT BURNS SO MUTCH!
zipmeme.com/uploads/generated/g1332747015360039996.jpg
412748>>412757>>412816
If think this is bad, then you are wimps.
412813
Not it isn't.
Scoots is distant from Rainbow, as she had been putting a lot of her time into practise and it was stated that they had been doing it that way for years, so this wouldn't fit.
412856 It's not bad (I've read and seen stuff that still haunts me to this day) It's just that I don't want to read S#$t like this
412946
Why not?
None of the main characters have died yet, the only one that did, died in a heroic sacrifice.
412956 I guess, but that still doesn't change my opinion
So....many.....damn.....exclamation marks.
FUCK. I NEED THIS AS A FUCKING GAME. THEN I'LL FUCKING KILL NIMBOS. AND THEN SCREW THOSE FUCKING RAINBOWS. FUCK JUST FUCK FUCK!!! (sorry dude I've gotta let loose a little I hope you're not offended...sorry...)
Of all things...even a little bit is enough to snap you...damn you writer now I hate rainbows when I'm supposed to like 'em fuck you.
*ahem* out of character, rainbow dash is...........(she doesn't SWEAR)
YOU DID NOT GO WITH THE ORIGINAL IDEA
424107 And what was that supposed to be?
492116
Yeah, I know... It's not related to the original RF in any way. When I posted this story I expected many people not to like it.
You asked for a review! So I've gone through and thought a bit. Here's what I've got:
First! Mislabeling. This isn't really a prequel/sequel as much as it is a complete re-visioning of the original, which I've read. Scootaloo knows nothing of the inner workings of the factory and Rainbow to the best of our knowledge never took her there. Also, Rainbow is more in charge of specifically the more secret parts, if I remember correctlyNow, if you had titled this a "retelling" or an "alternate universe" perhaps this would be okay.
Moving on:
Your prose needs a lot of work, friend. First: don't be in such a rush to get to the dialogue. Describe, describe, describe-- put me in your story. Let me see it, let me smell it if you can remember, but describe things. Tell a story like you would to a friend: narrate it! Tell me what is happening, and take your time, or at least more time than you're taking.
Too much happens too quickly with too little description.
You've got some imagination, but you need to hone your skills. Read some good books, study them, how they work and how the author describes and controls the flow of the story. Look how the page looks, even, see how he balances dialogue and narration. Stephen King, Ted Dekker, Device Heretic here on FimFiction, Felix Gilman, or any of the old Bantam star wars books may help-- they can be fast paced, relatively, but also thorough.
847337
Thanks for the help
I wanna spam the like button so badly...
Even if there isn't as much detail as there could've been that I could make the images more accurate, my brain can take even a few details and turn it into an actual image in my mind. Even with five not super accurate details I'm able to do it. If I couldn't do that, I wouldn't want to spam the like botton as much as I want to know...
(I only said that because everyone is saying rgere wasn't enough detail for others to envision this)
But I would still wanna spam it. Any type of Rainbow Factory story/fic I would spam the like button if somepony goes insane or dies in the RF because of the Pegasus Device.
(ONLY IF RAINBOW DASH IS ONE OF THE ANTAGONISTS OR IS THE ANTAGONIST)
(I commented this because people keep saying there isn't enough detail for us to imagine it. There's enough for me to imagine what's happening but at times it gets annoying cause I just wanna read IN PEACE.)