When Rainbow is late for a meal with her friends at hay burger she decided that it would be fun to sneak up on them and scare them but oh how she wish she hadn't. On top of that her world begins crumbling around her.
Chapters (2)
- Member Since 24th May, 2014
- offline last seen Mar 5th, 2017
Mylittleponydarkside
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Mylittleponydarkside
Joined 24th May, 2014 ·
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Are you deleting any comments that disagree with you? Not cool, bro. Anyway, this story is meh. A nice idea, but everypony is out of character, it's rushed, and has TERRIBLE grammar and spelling. 5 out of 10.
4450211 thanks for the feedback I'll get on it and no I'm not the comments I've deleted we're inappropriate and I don't want to have to rank the story to mature becuase of the comments
I think the story is interesting, but it is a little rushed. Perhaps if you slow down and describe everything in more detail that would make the story even more lovely. Also, your grammar and spelling are a little off. Double or triple check before submitting your stories for a better reading experience for your readers. When a character begins speaking, make it a new paragraph. For example:
Derpy Hooves trotted along gleefully. Today, she was bringing Dinky to the park and she couldn't have been happier about it.
"Mother, how long will we stay at the park?" Dinky asked curiously.
"How ever long you would like to stay, honey!" Derpy replied.
Overall, I think the story is pretty great! The characters are a little off, but Pinkie Pie still has a quirky side to her, so I am okay!
Keep up the fantastic work and I can't wait to see where you go with this! 
4450937 yay finally someone with constructive criticism thanks I will go back check spelling, expand on matters and sort out the speaking problem. Oh and also the characters are ment to be a bit off the reason explained soon
4450346
My comment wasn't "innapropriate". If you lie to the people who are reading, this will cause more problems. I personally don't mind the storyline, but to put it bluntly, it was rushed, and the spelling and grammar were off. Way off. I think maybe if you got a proofreader, editor or prereader, a lot of these issues could be fixed, and also help you in the longrun to be a better author. This is a common problem. I bet you could come up with great story ideas, you just need to work on the spelling, capitalization, punctuation and grammar a bit more. The characters were also a bit OOC, and I don't know if there's anything you can do to fix this except perhaps study the character's personalities more?
I was just stating in my other comment that I personally didn't like the story because of the problems stated here, and I suppose I should've gone into more detail than before. Sorry if I came across as mean.
Awesome but sad still awesome