Two Slots, One Pony

Diceman

Diceman #1 · May 27th, 2014 · · ·

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Yeah, fimfiction chat gave me the idea and I had to write it becuase I enjoy a weird challenge. I regret NOTHING

Diceman

Diceman #2 · May 27th, 2014 · · ·

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Also I entirely respect folks if they vote bomb this down or have many 'dafuq did I just read?' moments. I make no effort to defend this work as 'artistic' or even remotely 'good'. I made if for the sheer joy of non-sequitur.

WarlordMWD

WarlordMWD #3 · May 27th, 2014 · · ·

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Wow. That was weird. However, given such a... novel subject, I dare say you handled it well.

Critique-wise, I have to say that your characterization of Pinkie was a tad on the unintelligent side. Personally, I'd say that she's the only one of the mane six that could be put in this situation without needing to be dumbed down.

You may also want to take a look at your dialogue. The technique I always suggest is that you read it out loud, then imagine one of your friends saying it. Some of the Cakes' and Twilight's lines are too self-explanatory for my tastes.

TL;DR -- Good story, work on the execution.

Diceman

Diceman #4 · May 27th, 2014 · · ·

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4454098

Wait, feedback? people being helpful and stuff? Did I slip into the Twilight zone by accident(the 50's one, not actual Twilight reading a book somewhere).

Thx for the feedback in any case.

Pinkie always seemed to be one of those characters that could explain how quantum physics works but couldn't tell you anything about basic biology without going onto a massive side tangent OR she knows what it means but gets the wrong hint sometimes and mixes up her subjects/definitions.

I really didn't try too hard with the Cakes, there's very little canon personality to work with with those two. Least of all anything really comedic to exploit. I don't have a good head-canon for those characters and their dialogue suffers for it.

Twilight always seemed a direct to the point kind of pony to me with a tad bit of severe OCD thrown in. her ending lines are more of a 'yeah, too complex for me to even start with' kind of situation that she often runs into with Pinkie Pie in the show. I agree the last joke could have been better played out and her felt mind bubble part could have as well.

Anyways I don't speak in a very complex manner so the dialogue sounded just fine when I did say it. I might want to work on trying not to oversimplify/ over-complicate things later on.(And yes I know my pacing is terrible, working on that still).

In any case I appreciate the feedback.

ps: I think the fimfic chat has been dropping LSD recently, someone suggested Rarity x curling iron clop next

Eoilock

Eoilock #5 · May 27th, 2014 · · ·

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Celestias reaction to the letter was the best

WarlordMWD

WarlordMWD #6 · May 27th, 2014 · 1 · ·

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4454195

My pleasure. I was in the mood to give my two slots' worth (ha), and it's a nicely short story, so I figured I'd give my views.

I reread the story (two-handed this time), and took a taste of my own medicine. I could see Pinkie using those lines, but I think that your sparse punctuation threw me off. Pinkie's one of those characters that does something physical between almost every sentence. For example, your line,

Pinkie gasped. "The door is speaking to me, and it sounds just like misses Cake!"

... I would write as

Pinkie's eyes widened. "The door is speaking to me," she gasped. "And it sounds just like Mrs. Cake!"

But that's a personal difference in style, and the choice is entirely yours to make.

I don't "know" the Cakes that well, either. However, I don't believe that they ever truly react to Pinkie's hijinks. They're always right off camera, or not in the episode. I guess that made my head-canon for them more straight-laced and less aware of Pinkie's eccentricities, which conflicted with their "rule twelve."

Rereading, I see that you have Twilight's personality down, but I think that outside of Pinkie's thought bubble, she probably wouldn't refer to Pinkie's genitals as her "special place." I've always had the impression that when she's feeling awkward/scared/nervous, she goes into "egghead mode," instead of kiddie mode. That being said, in the cartoon, we never see her talking about Pinkie's vagina, so this is entirely guesswork.

Finally, I doubt that Nurse Redheart would be lighthearted about Pinkie's injuries. Remember, she was the one that shushed Pinkie three or four times when the Cakes' kids were born. I'd think that she might excuse herself out of the room to crack up, instead of laughing in a patient's face.

Still, it was a fun and erotic (funrotic?) read, and I'd love to comment on your other stories, with your permission.

--VVarlord

P.S. I wouldn't be against Rarity x curling iron...

pinkis cupcake