When the Cutie Mark Crusaders stumble upon an old secret in Applejack's closet, they decide that their latest cutie mark project will be to attempt a cutie mark for superheroics.
They didn't expect it to work.
What started as a way to kill the day morphs into a crazy adventure that soon drags the three fillies in over their heads against a corrupt businesspony who intends to destroy Ponyville and will let nothing stand in his way.
Cover comes from http://mare-do-well-club.deviantart.com/art/CMCs-as-Mare-Do-Well-Unmasked-320865308. It's not mine, it says right there "You are free to reuse this vector, in whole or in part"!
Chapters (13)
YAY APPLE BLOOM!!! now strut yo stuff girl!
i.imgur.com/pmrzPyZ.jpg
capes are sleek sometimes , silent, catch air easily. And their fast, easily bending and changing direction.
We should decode this!
Hmm.. With AB's skills at alchemy and building 'stuff', she could make herself a rather impressive superhero arsenal.
So.. Apple Bloom will be the gadget based hero, Sweetie will be the power based hero and Scootaloo will be the sidekick? Or possibly the skill based hero if she ever gets around to learning Iron Hoof style?
And go on a long flight through
Beggar's CanyonGhastly Gorge.Nice bit of sleuthing, but nopony has put together the fact Applebloom and one Crusader showed up at two costume locations and the other Crusader was not there.
Especially after the bit about the dummy birthday for Scootaloo. I loved Pinkie shoving soap into Bigg's mouth.
4493326 Wouldn't surprise me if there was a Beggar's Canyon named so by Pegasi since crashing in it would make you a beggar for life.
4493600 Yes, but would YOU suspect your friend's cute little sisters (and Scootaloo) of secretly being superheroes? They're children. Kinda helps them fly under the radar.
Does anyone else think that the picture makes it look like they're going for cutie marks in witchcraft?
Scootaloo making a grapple line is awesome, especially since it got her cutie mark to appear. I'm eager to see what other gadgets she makes for the Crusaders.
"males enjoyed watching other males smash each other into the pavement while screaming about how manly they were"
Sports entertainment wrestling is basically a soap opera. FOR MEN.
I did not just replace choppy lines full of dashes with neat horizontal lines. They have always been neat horizontal lines. LOVE BIG BROTHER.
Okay. So Scoots has inventing, Sweetie has combat(and I assume tactics). What exactly is Apple Bloom's? Just general superheroing?
They also need Mare-a-Rangs. Good luck on make those aerodynamic.
Also, does this mean Twilight will start teaching Sweetie combat magic?
So Sweetie has the ability to think rapidly during combat??? Nice I also wouldn't mind if Silver Spoon came out of this a more humble pony and stopped being a bully, especially if she figures out who her rescuers are.
4529533 Actually, tactics are mostly Apple Bloom's domain. She's the planner, the leader, the Hannibal to Mare Do Well's A-Team.
You should make this serious. I'd like to see Rarity's face when Sweetie Bell absently comments on the drug cartel they just took down and she's like *gasp* "Sweetie! Where did you hear such horrible things?!?"
4532734 That would be hilarious... I did put that Dark tag down for a reason, and suffice to say that things are going to get serious soon.
Remember though, there's a difference between serious and grim.
Sweetie Belle with a boxing glove as her cutie mark... I dunno why, but that just cracks me up.
Really liking the story so far!
No! Not Biggs!
So, Scoot is getting the Bruce Wayne treatment? At least she has access to all of Twilight's stuff and Zecora's knowledge.
THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO DIE TOGETHER
but yeah this story is silly
DAMMIT BIGGS, DON'T DIE AND LEAVE SCOOTALOO ALONE! PUNCH DEATH IN THE FACE AND TELL HIM "F**CK OFF, I HAVE A DAUGHTER WAITING FOR ME!" BEFORE FIGHTING BACK TO LIFE!!!!
The five idiots didn't really think this through well... they're going to be going up against Applejack, Rarity, and Rainbow with personal stakes in rescuing certain fillies, the rest of the elements, the whole rest of the town, and unknown to them; three superheroes in civilian mode who have always specialized in causing trouble. I'm almost certain that by the time everything is said and done... the five bad guys will wish they're safe in a cell.
Well... now Biggs's wife should appear, b**ch smack Death upside the head and proceed to wreck him if he tries to take Biggs. "YOU LEAVE MY HUSBAND ALONE YOU PIECE OF *BEEP*! HOW DARE YOU TRY TO MAKE MY DAUGHTER AN ORPHAN AFTER TAKING ME FROM HER!!!"
Rarity in heroine mode... oh those bad guys are in deep trouble now.
Smooth AJ. Real smooth.
So.. She's fine with playing hero when the purpose is to humiliate a friend but when someone puts on the mask for the purpose of doing good(and getting cutie marks), it's a bad thing?
I know she's angry and thats dropping her IQ even lower, but 3 seconds of thought would tell her that she took the exact same risks* for a much pettier purpose. I hope Big Mac bucks her across town.
*They're lucky they just dealt with disasters and accidents. Had they run into criminals, which was as likely for them as it was for the CMC, the same sequence could have unfolded.
I almost feel sorry for the two foal nappers who the whole town jumped. Ponyville is a very close community and I think Derpy alone would have mauled one of them to near death. If Silver Spoon finds some proof her dad was behind everything, I hope she runs to Twilight and spills everything she finds. I mean, the fact he would arrange for her to be kidnapped scares me so much I want to strangle him if it turns out to be true.
I can also see her enduring quite a bit of fallout from this from her classmates, but I hope the Crusaders and Diamond Tiara ban together to protect her.
4575791
I agree, especially on that first part. Now that you mention it, I'm currently savoring the vision of Bulk grabbing one of those fuckers and breaking their spine like a No. 2 pencil--all of this the while shouting"YEAHHHHHHH!"
4575733 NOOOO!!! Curse your logic!
Thanks for pointing that out, I'm gonna have to have that point added in later on. This is why I read the comments section. But yeah, anger is making her stupid right now.
4576246
Mmm.. Grilled Face Sandwich.
It gets even funnier. AB's butt tat quite clearly shows that her special talent, innate nature and destiny is heroism and fighting for the good of others. Powers higher than Celestia herself have decreed that Apple Bloom is a super hero.
AB's very butt rebuts AJ's accusations. And AB's butt has the Universe on it's side.
Also, they knew that Mare Do Well was three fillies and were demanding Mare Do Well's appearance.. while they had most of the town's fillies as hostages. Did they have a back up plan for that?
4576320 Quoth the villians:
"The spear pegasus growled, 'Why are we even waiting? We know Mare Do Well is a bunch of fillies! We should just kill all of these brats right now!' The foals screamed. Roughneck shook his head again.
'We don't know that every filly in town goes to this school at this time. If we jump the gun and fail to kill our target, we're fucked. Just keep your head on, and we'll find them... and then they die.'" If Mare Do Well had no-showed, they would have known that all of the fillies comprising her were among the hostages, and then they would have killed them all. Assuming that they survived the counter-attack... well, if I go any further, it would be a spoiler. ;)
Yay for Apple Bloom's butt!
4576521
Ah, right. Forgot that.
They probably should've just nuked the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.
4576176 Nah, Bulk Biceps and Big Mac would have just started bouncing the scum back and forth between them via bucks to the head. But yes, if there were more perps outside I can see Bulk Biceps doing the iconic "Bane breaks the Bat" pose despite being a pony.
Well, so much for the cmc superheroes. Didn't think the story would go this route, but it is pretty fitting and believable.
4580084 Go to 1:15.
Well, Luna endorses the CMC as heroes, so maybe she should come to Ponyville for a visit and to train them in some fighting styles from the past that would catch enemies off guard???
4585094
Or funding. Scootaloo is going to need some bits if she's going to start outfitting them. And Applebloom.. Does she have her entire alchemy schtick in this fic?
But yes, if Luna is pushing fillies to be vigilantes or her personal black ops force, she's kind of obligated back them. Bits, training, high quality costumes with at least some armoring, someway to contact her and their treehouse totally needs the KND treatment.
4585451 With DT and SS as the Delightful Children From Down The Lane? Well, maybe Tiara, SS might not be so bad after her near kidnapping.
But yes, funding, training, and costumes are a musts. especially since if they keep using Mare Do Well people will catch on.
4585451 Uh... Luna isn't trying to turn the CMC into her own personal Task Force 141. She's just giving an emotionally battered filly a nudge in the right direction. And for the purposes of this fic, Apple Bloom's alchemy thing did not pan out.
4585605
Oh.
Still, having the co-ruler of your country encourage you to take up a life of dispensing vigilante justice outside of a court of law calls for.. something.
How high was Luna during this meeting?
4585617 Having the co-ruler of your country encourage six civilians with absolutely no combat experience to go fight the most dangerous monsters in all of Equestria is also probably not the smartest idea from a real-world perspective, but Celestia gets away with it all the time. It's the way the story goes, so just roll with it!
Luna would also like you to know that she denies any allegations regarding the crystal meth stash hidden under her mattress.
4585718
Okay, you got me there. I could totally see them playing a competitive game of 'how many stupid things can we make them do'.
How many points does Luna score for this?
4585741
Ah, the joys of replying to comments with Youtube. I love that place.
I repeat Biggs' woohoo! Because this chapter was one of the best yet imho.
You know, it only just hit me that Rainbow Dash and her friends spent the first three chapters completely forgetting that thanks to a well-written friendship letter, Princess Celestia also knows the first Mare Do Well's secret identities.
Rarity: Wait a minute. Sweetie Bell? Why do you have a boxing glove as your cootie mark?
Sweetie Bell: Err, repressed emotions?
Good chapter. But as a Star Wars nerd I must mention that in one of the X-wing books Wedge, who was the leader of the Rebel Alliance's best X-wing unit Rouge Sqadron, said that if Biggs had survived the Battle of Yavin they'd be reporting to him. So I amuses me to see the opposite happen here. If the frusaders can prove Mr. Silver innocent then
and hopefully Silver Spoon will become a nicer filly.
Okay, it seems like you have an interesting idea here and something of a decent plot but you don't really have the characters down. Every single character reads the same way and for some that's a big problem. The way you write Luna and Discord feels significantly OOC from how they would really react. Luna typically has a very stiff and old fashioned way of speaking, while Discord is prone to making light of any situation. I just can't hear John DeLancie as Discord saying "Calm down. Hindsight is 20/20." Discord would be the one hyping up the emotion and the drama. If Discord were to start talking about hindsight he would probably make eyeballs in the back of his head or on his butt (a play on hindsight) or something. Additionally the mane six are a little too stupid to not figure out very early on that the CMC are Mare-do-well. There is plenty of evidence right off the bat to determine that the CMC are behind the new Mare-do-well that is conveniently overlooked until later. They are notorious troublemakers, and Sweetie Bell is known for getting into places she shouldn't be (getting into Rarity's workroom and using her gold silk to make Crusader capes is one example). It's not too much of a stretch to figure out that it was Apple Bloom or one of the other Crusaders who found the costume. They knew that Mare-do-well was small, and they specifically say "filly-sized" and not "foal-sized".
Like I said I think you have a good idea and a decent plot, it's just the actual execution that suffers. Things feel rushed (particularly the cutie mark gaining scenes), characters feel OOC or flat and the main six (particularly Twilight) are idiots for not realizing sooner the true identity of the new mare-do-well. My suggestion is to slow down the story a little bit and focus on the characters. What are they doing in the scene and how are they feeling? For writing the characters, go back and watch some episodes and pay attention to how each character speaks and acts. Watch Discord episodes and Luna episodes and try to hear your words coming from their mouths.
4604853 Admittedly, I realized early on my characterization was shitty, but I've been mostly having too much fun writing the actual story to care enough. Thanks for the criticism, though!
Also, hasn't Luna been trying to work on the whole "stick up her ass" thing?
4605257
I can't fault you for that. It's your story, and if you're not having fun then you're doing it wrong. It is a fun story and the only way to improve your writing is to keep writing.
Yeah, it's just that your version of Luna seemed to talk just like everybody else. In my own opinion, Luna should be a little aloof and formal even when she's trying to be more casual. Admittedly, I did find her to be a little wooden in "For Whom the Sweetie Bell Tolls".
Children in Kevlar. Never a good idea.
I like the origin-story-esk theme you got going here.