- Member Since 28th Jan, 2014
- offline last seen Sep 19th, 2022
coolmyassburnsthings
Its me Smoky or coolmyassburnsthings as you may know me from tumblr
coolmyassburnsthings
Joined 28th Jan, 2014 ·
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Misleading title for the first page, I thought there was going to be more, ya know, some redemption. Guess not.
4368113 Im sorry. Its a story i wrote yesterday at 2 am. I dont want to mislead anybody.
I know how it is. A few times I wrote a story way late at night because I figured, eh why not. I guess I set my expectations a bit too high.
Meh.
4368264 Doesnt help me. How about you point out what you disliked ? Would help me way more.
4368276 ... Build up? I know this was supposed to be a straight-to-the-point one-shot, but still. We could've had atleast something giving us this excuse for clop. Like, I dunno, some casual filler and exposition while in between the bits of dialogue you have all that off putting exposition. Just the classic layout I've noticed for most clops that have a side story.
4368311 Well, likes this. Thanks. But yeah. You maybe should consider reading my other one, which is currently written.
4368338 I have.
A few grammar and spelling issues, but other then that, more dash?
4370881 Maybe tonight. I don't know why, but i am most creative at 1-2 am. Dont ask why.
4371213 hey! Me too! Almost every chapter for all of my stories have been written at the same time
I loved this very detailed fiction
For the most part I quite liked this, but it does have its problems, mainly in the way you’ve written it. A little bit of context is good, nothing too heavy or else people will get bored, but just set the scene a little rather than jumping straight to lying in bed with Dash, about to have sex. There were a couple spelling and grammar problems as well like “And she know that you know” rather than “she knows”.
Try not to repeat phrases as well, you said “need and desire” twice to describe the way she looked at you, which wouldn’t usually be a big problem but for a story as short as this one, it could do with a different phrase.
A couple of the descriptions were a little odd as well, such as “She looks so cute with her big eyes, which are wet” I get the feeling you meant to call attention to the fact they were watering from the spanking, but “wet” isn’t the best way to phrase it.
One other thing I would say is that you used pronouns a little too much you never even said her name until the fifth paragraph, you should add the subjects name more often, not too much though, once every 3-5 “her”s seems about right to me.
TL;DR version: What’s actually happening is good, you need to work a little on spelling and grammar, and try to vary up your language a some more. Hope this helps.
-it's a thing.
I know exactly why I have a boner now.
Innocence is dead
Made a few Grammer mistakes. I'd suggest going on and reading through your works a few times or have someone else read it that has good Grammer skills. (For later stories)