- Member Since 21st Jun, 2012
- offline last seen Apr 16th, 2017
Mr. Haze
I'm a brony. I love to write, read, draw. I was sucked into the MLP fandom by voluntary choice. I love these stories and I love making stories.
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I wonder what the final chapter will involve.
well.. there are grammatical errors throughout the entire story, and the sex seemed forced like it was only included to grab more readers looking for a quick clop. the swearing was completely out of character as was most of the dialog of the entire story besides pinkie pie surprisingly - she's normally the one that no one knows how to write for.
overall I gave it low marks for the dialog, grammar, smut that didn't fit the story, and not really following the established MLP lore & characters (You are writing twilight sparkle a character that acts very differently than what you wrote, so try writing her and not your headcanon version of her)
I liked the story though, even if I had to rewrite it in my head and just skip a few parts that negatively effected the overall story.
Edit: Also Pony Joe is the owner of a donut shop in Canterlot, not a employee of Sugarcube Corner.
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Thank you for your constructive criticism.
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Thanks for taking it well, I feel bad ragging on stories when they've caught enough of my attention for me to fully read and comment on.
To elaborate on my comment:
on swearing, you have to ask yourself when using profane words adds in a meaningful way to the story. I don't know if you the author swear in your normal speak - but there should be a disconnect between how you speak and how the characters you are writing for. having profane language skewed throughout the story feels like having a really out of place run down graffiti filled toilet stall in the middle of a fancy 5 star restaurant. from what we've seen in the four Seasons, books, & movie we know that the ponies almost never use profane language. the most notable swear in the entire series comes from Fluttershy when she vented in a very harsh way to pinkie pie & rarity "nopony gives a flying feather about!" That scene used profane language to emphasize the impact of Fluttershy's bullying. in her misguided attempt to stop being a pushover on her friends. Additionally this scene shows us that the ponies use different verbs & words for their swear words.
And for the sex parts I actually had to ask myself "did I miss something?" when twilight started to dream about selfcest because I didn't see why it was happening. as far as I could tell it was there so Twilight Sparkle could have a dream to communicate with the Vampire. Then later she has sex with a mare she barely knows because "I'm about to die, better have sex with this mare I guess". As the author, you should ask yourself "what did these sex scenes add to the story, how will the readers perceive them? will they think that Twilight Sparkle is a slut that'd have sex with a stranger & even herself spontaneously?"
At the very least suggest to build up to the sex scenes with more dialog & thought before just throwing a "I wonder what's it like to bang myself" out of the left field.
It seems to me that some who have left comments on this story did not like the fact that the characters used curse words or the fact that apparently meaningless sex occurred. However, i beg to differ on those opinions. I think the way you have written this was spot on. I took the swearing as your attempt to make the characters more realistic. In real life, people swear. In real life, people have random sex for no reason other than they want to. Sure, there were a few grammatical errors, but i could still read it. After all, i am not a grammar-nazi unlike some others here. And you DID have pony joe working in sugar cube corner, but so what? Maybe he was working there as a favor to the cakes because of large amounts of business lately? Hmmm? I personally thought you did the characters very well, even WITH the swearing. Either way, i liked this story, and i think your future stories have great potential. I have favorited this. Keep up the good work, i am sure your future works will be even better.