The Pickle Jar
All Celestia wanted was to have a nice little snack after a long morning. Was that too much to ask? Could she enjoy her afternoon not having to open a pickle jar? What did Princess Celestia do to deserve this harsh punishment? Has she angered a vengeful god or some other divine entity? No matter how hard she tried, the princess could not, for the immortal life of her, unseal the jar of pickles.
“Come on, you!” she grunted. She tried everything in her incredible power to force the cap open, but the darn thing will not budge. Her white face turned furious red as both of her front hooves held the jar in place, trying to squeeze the top loose. “Darn it!” Celestia yelled under her gritted teeth.
“Tia, what is the matter?” Princess Luna asked. She heard the commotion from her private library and ventured into the kitchen out of concern. A frustrated Celestia panting heavily silently greeted her. “Are you well, sister?”
“No… I’m pretty freaking far from well,” Celestia said. She used her magic to make the pickle jar float in front of Luna’s face. “I have been trying to get this stupid pickle jar to open since twelve o’clock at noon! It is now 12:55 and the darn thing won’t open!”
“Oh,” was all Luna could say. She watched the sun princess struggle to open the cap with all of her might, sweat dripping down from her head. Celestia slammed the jar onto the countertop when her strength waned from her.
“Luna… I am not a bad pony,” she said. “I have never done any wrong or harm anypony who didn’t deserve it. All I wanted was to enjoy a nice afternoon eating my dandelion and cheese sandwich with some pickles. Why is this happening to me, Luna? Why?”
Luna had never seen her sister distressful over a situation that was absolutely trivial. Celestia leaned her head on the countertop like a dog that was waiting to be fed. Luna held the jar of pickles with her magic to examine it closely.
“Maybe I can get it to open,” Luna said. She held the jar with one hoof and squeezed the cap with the other. Luna was holding her breath while she tried to force the jar open. Her attempts were proven to be futile as the cap refused to twist. “This is really tight,” she said, “it is as though the cap is glued to the jar.”
Celestia groaned and covered her head with her hooves. Her sobs were muffled by her arms. The once proud princess of Equestria let her body slump on the kitchen floor. “Hold on, Tia,” Luna said, “if I can run this over some hot water, then perhaps the heat can unseal the jar.” Luna walked to the sink and ran hot water, then she placed the pickle jar under the faucet. Believing the hot water had done the trick, Luna’s hooves firmly grasped the jar. Her azure face turned red as the stubborn jar cap remained sealed.
“You made it worse,” Celestia said.
“I’m sorry!” said Luna defensively. She placed the jar back on the countertop and check her hooves for any blisters. Celestia finally stood on her legs with a determined look on face.
“This calls for some drastic measures,” she said. Celestia levitated a golden gong and hit it with a mallet, sending sound waves throughout the grand halls. A royal guard marched into the kitchen and bowed to the Royal Sisters.
“You called, Your Highness?” he said.
“Hyperion, assemble your platoon… I have an assignment for you,” Celestia ordered.
Captain Hyperion and his platoon of guardsponies gathered into the kitchen, just as Princess Celestia had ordered, and took turns trying to squeeze the lid of the jar of pickles. One by one, each stallion focused all of their strength and energy into the glass jar, resulting in painful cramps on their arm muscles. As the rest of the guards were busy rubbing their arms, two more stallions took on the task of opening Celestia’s pickle jar.
“I’m sorry, Your Majesty,” Captain Hyperion said, “It seems as though my crew have failed to complete your task.” He bowed, then said, “I take full responsibility.” The last guard tried to force the lid open, but to no avail. Celestia slammed her hoof on the kitchen table and glared at the pickle jar.
“Why won’t you open?” she asked with venom in her voice.
“Sister, don’t you think you’re over-reacting just a tad bit,” Luna nervously asked. Celestia quickly faced her younger sister with a look on her face that might even give Luna nightmares for some nights.
“...Whatever do you mean?” she asked.
“I mean, it’s just a pickle jar. There’s no use venting your anger on it. How about this time, you can eat your sandwich without pickles?”
The sun princess slowly advanced to her little sister, who shrunk under her sight. Celestia was now standing over Luna, almost as if she was going to stomp on the moon princess. “Celestia?”
“You listen here, and you listen well,” Celestia commanded. “I have been eating pickles with my dandelion sandwich ever since I was a filly. The pickles is what gives it its flavor, and it’s the pickles that makes it sweet. You may think it is okay to eat sandwiches without pickles, but I have been trying to make my lunch all afternoon, and nothing is going to stop me from opening that pickle jar! You got that!”
“...Yes ma’am,” Luna weakly answered. Her point being made, Celestia motioned for Hyperion to come to her side.
“Hyperion, take your stallions and gather the strongest ponies in Equestria…”
Every stallion with muscle in Equestria stood in a line that extended from the kitchen to the front entrance of the castle. Each of them spent exactly three minutes trying to twist the lid of Princess Celestia’s pickle jar. Those who accomplished the task will be greatly rewarded by Celestia herself.
After a stallion failed to open the pickle jar, a gray earth pony was next in line. He snorted like a bull who had just seen the color red and grabbed the jar as though it were his mortal enemy. He squeezed the lid with all the strength he carried with him, veins appearing on his arm muscles and neck. After spending two and a half minutes trying to squeeze the lid open, the gray earth pony failed.
“Next,” said Hyperion. The next pony to accept the challenge was a brown unicorn with a long black mane. He glared at the pickle jar for ten seconds before holding it and twisting it like a madpony. The unicorn held his breath and put his best muscles to work, however, resulting in failure.
“Next,” Hyperion said again. The next pony in line was a huge, bulky white pegasus with tiny wings. Hyperion glanced at him with suspicious eyes. The small-winged pegasus let out a bellowing yell and spent exactly two minutes and twenty seconds forcing the lid open. His energy abandoned him, and he played catch up with breathing. “... Next,” Hyperion said.
The next challenger was not a pony at all, but a muscle-bound minotaur, and he meant business. He pound his fist and gave his best intimidating glare to the little pickle jar.
“So… you think you can stand around here and not let the princess have some pickles?” he asked. “You think you’re too good to be eaten by Celestia? If you’re so tough, then I’m going to play it rough!” The minotaur, whose name was Iron Will, snatched the jar and squeezed the lid with all of his might. Sweat streamed down from his scalp, veins throbbing from his muscles. Iron Will gritted his teeth and groaned in pain as he tried to force the lid open. Princess Celestia looked on, having high hopes for this creature. It seemed as though he was finally going to be the first one to succeed in this endeavor.
Alas, as his three minutes came to an end, Iron Will failed to unseal the pickle jar. Surprised that his strength had proven futile, he joined the other ponies who were rubbing their sore muscles. “That’s one stubborn jar,” he said.
Several hours passed since the challenge was made, yet no stallion, mare, or other non-pony creatures, was strong enough to open the lid to the pickle jar. The Royal Sisters watched as bodybuilders of different genders and species came and went. Celestia wallowed in her misery, holding her head with her hooves.
“Tia, please… this is too much,” Luna said. “You’re going overboard with this.” Celestia said nothing, and continued to watch as strongpony after strongpony took turns with the pickle jar. The line was dwindling, and no winner had been announced yet. The last pony to take up Celestia’s challenge was a familiar red stallion, a sibling to one of the Elements of Harmony. He spent two minutes and forty-five seconds trying to unseal the pickle jar, but he failed as the others.
“Nope,” he said somberly. He placed the jar back on the table and went on with his business. If the sun princess had a list of feelings she hated the most, hopelessness would take the spot at number one. The line disappeared, with no other pony test their strength. Celestia slumped her head on the table again and shed a small tear. The pickle jar will never be open, and she will never enjoy her sandwich again.
“Your Highness,” Hyperion said, “we have an unexpected challenger. You should… consider him.” Celestia was confused by the way Captain Hyperion had said that. She looked at Luna, who shrugged her shoulders as well.
“Send him in,” Celestia said. Captain Hyperion motioned for the challenger to enter the kitchen. The Royal Sisters had expected this challenger to be so… small. The newest challenger was a small child, a colt, no younger than nine years of age. He was pale, very thin, with not much muscle on him. He was a pegasus, due to the wings on his back. “Um… what is your name, young stallion?” Celestia asked him nicely.
The colt bowed and answered, “Featherweight, Your Highness. I’m here to open the jar for you.” Inside, Celestia was cringing. She tried her best to keep her laughter to herself. She presented to Featherweight a soft, but warm smile.
“Do you think you can open it?” Celestia asked again. “The strongest ponies in Equestria have tried and failed.”
“Celestia, don’t do this to him,” Luna whispered. “Don’t humiliate him like this.”
“I believe I can open it,” Featherweight said. Captain Hyperion looked with concern at the boy, then at the Royal Sisters. After a moment of consideration, Celestia was going to reject his offer, but she figured she will give Featherweight the benefit of the doubt. She nodded her head and Featherweight approached the kitchen table slowly.
He held the jar gently with his thin hooves. He examined all sides closely. Featherweight’s eyes scanned everywhere from top to bottom, side to side. The Sisters glanced at each other confusingly. Featherweight held the jar in place. He slowly put his hoof on the lid.
With a gentle twist, the lid opened.
The sweet, sour, and salty aroma of the pickles entered the nostrils of everypony present in the kitchen. The Royal Sisters could not comprehend how this had happened. Their eyes were as wide as dinner plates, and their mouths were agape to the point that their bottom jaw almost touched the floor. Captain Hyperion took off his helmet, making sure his sight was not distorted. A moment of stunned silence had passed, and they realized what happened was no dream. The little colt had finally opened the pickle jar.
“...How?” a dumbfounded Celestia asked.
Featherweight placed the opened pickle jar back on the table and answered, “You, and all the other strong ponies were trying to force it open. It doesn’t work that way. Pickle Jars are delicate things that must be handled with care and gentleness, as with all things in life.”
Princess Celestia was stunned by the child’s wisdom. She held the pickle jar with her hooves and smelled the salty aroma once more. Her lower lip quivered, and tears streamed from her beautiful eyes like a waterfall. Luna levitated a box of tissues and gave one to her sister. It took a long time for Celestia to control her emotions. After blowing her nose into the piece of tissue, she looked at Featherweight with a tear-stained smile.
“Young Featherweight… I thank thee. You will be surely my highly favored subject,” she said, then bowed to him. “I must give you a reward. What is it that you want? Anything that your heart desires is yours!”
“... What I want more than anything in the world is for you to enjoy your sandwich,” Featherweight said. The Royal Sisters, even Hyperion himself, were blown away by what they had just witnessed. A colt opened a royal’s pickle jar, and wants nothing in return. Featherweight bowed to the Sisters, then to Captain Hyperion, and exited the kitchen into parts unknown.
“Featherweight shall be regarded as a hero for ages to come,” Celestia finally said. “Let the record show that he did not need to find strength in his muscles. Instead, he found strength in his gentle heart.”
“Here here,” Luna said.
“Here here,” Hyperion repeated.
Surprisingly, Featherweight came back into the kitchen with a worried look on his face. “What is wrong?” Luna asked. “Did you forget something?”
“Actually, can any of you show me the way out of the castle? I’m lost.”
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Tis a delightfull, light story, written with wits and a good portion of humor.
This cat approves.=^-^=b
I like how you managed to turn this into a fable rather than just a simple slice-of-life joke.
Where the hell was Maud Pie?
Eh. Celestia could have just used her magic.
Still, not bad.
Let's not use magic!
Nonetheless, good little story.
THE P-TEAM
Amazingly hilarious fic by the way
I rate it... OVER 9000! Moustache Spikes out of ten
INSERT MORE HERE
We're they trying to pry it off instead of twisting?
I would have just broken the glass into a pot of water. Pickles float, glass sinks, problem solved.
The P-Team (Pony Team)
Ten days ago, they were grounded for a crime they did not commit. The escaped and put those responsible in time out. Now they live as fugitives of their parents. If you have a problem. If you have a lack of wisdom. And if you can find them. Then you can hire... The P-TEAM. *gunshots shooting through logo*
Featherweight: What the hell? Why would you shoot our logo!? That could have hit us!
Derpy: Sorry. I'm not really a good shot.
Celestia, I used to have the same problem as you. One day I was visited by a man, a glorious hero named Francis York Morgan. He showed me the way of "The Pickles." My life changed forever.i41.tinypic.com/16abm2x.jpg
A world without pickles and chutneys is not one I would want to live in.
A story which puts me in mind of Pimms, light and fruity, with lots of lovely alcoholic zest in the background.
I laughed hard enough to nearly choke on my breath. For this, I curse and applaud you. Well done.
Pickles are needed. On burge-
Don`t you fucking say it!
Celestia? What are you doing here?
To stop you from saying burger.
You just said it!
Shit! The Justin Timberlakes are already on the way!
What do we do?!
We must use the Kool Aid jugs of muscular awesomeness!
What are those?
They can destroy them. *Puts on Sunglasses.*
*Gasp* Oh Mah Gerd!
And then they destroyed the evil, cum dripping Justin Timberlakes with the Kool Aid Jugs of Muscular Awesomeness...
Then They Fucked!
TEH EHND!!!!
4339971 I like Justin Timberlake.
Why not shatter the jar?
4340378 I like a challenge.
Dammit! Now I'm hungry.
*Grabs a jar of pickles*
Really expected a Gordian Knot solution for this. This was a fun fic.
Why didn't they use magic? I know, filthy magic users don't deserve to live, but seriously, magic is op!
And that's the story of the castle's seventh pickle-themed stained glass window.
Nice, funny story, and you have earned a well needed like.
On that day... pickle kind received a grim reminder. They lived in fear of the princess and of the humiliation of being forced to live in these cages called jars.
Sie sind das Essen und wir sind die Jäger!
When I first saw the name of this, I thought of 'One man one jar'
I thought for minute the punchline was going to be that they had all been twisting it the wrong way.
*Featherweight Twists cap left* POP! TA DAH!
4343018 It took me a week to realize that was an Attack on Titan reference.
I'm slow...
This suddenly made me think of the Mayor from the Powerpuff Girls.
There are three morals to this story.
1. Gentleness wins over strength.
2. Featherweight is BEST PONY!!!
3. Righty tighty lefty loosy
4340378 I seriously thought that's what Featherweight was going to do.
That ending... Although, couldn't Tia have just destroyed the glass jar with her horn or something. Maybe drop it on the floor? Eh, perhaps I'm just overthinking things you're not supposed to think too hard over.
4340465 Totally right