discords feelings
I love her.... I love her.... I love her....
Today will be the day I tell her.
I was going to tell her, I am going to tell her.
I love her...
My Fluttershy, my dear sweet Fluttershy.
The men, the perverts try to get a piece of her.
She says no...
She's beautiful, kind, and just plain amazing
Her stare practically turns me on...
Wait forget what I said just then.
I need her here in my life, i want her to be mine.
I love everything about her,
the way her hair smells like roses, the way she eats her salad politely making sure she eats it all,the way her beautiful body is washed and clean-
NO I DON'T SPY ON HER... Maybe, but i`m not a pervert like other stallions OK.
Let me carry on,
but most of all, I love her turquoise eyes and her soothing voice.
You know I was faking the sickness after the real sickness just so she could be beside me all day long.
Sure she found out I wasn't sick after, but it was worth it because her stare is just so sexy and-
Never mind.
I need her in my arms, I long to feel her lips on mine to know shes safe with me
that Prince Blue-blood and Big Macintosh try to lure her into there beds but I'll protect her no matter what happens to me.
As long as shes safe, I'm happy
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Oh My
That is so funny! I love it!
Your First fanfic
. Congrats
Not bad. I suggest an editor, though. FLUTTERCORD
Nicely done! First fic? Wooo hooo!
Lol this is funny! And so cute!!
Right, have you ever heard "show, don't tell" as writing advice? Well, it's advice I think you ought to hear. I mean, summary and exposition do have their place, but so far all we have is Discord's stream-of-consciousness thoughts on Fluttershy. The thing I love about first person point of view is looking over the protagonist's shoulder. I would love it, for example, if the so called "perverts" were innocent. Maybe some guy offers Fluttershy a card on Hearts and Hooves Day, and Fluttershy is oh so flustered and appreciative of the attention, but she politely declines. Then have Discord go on about "perverts trying to get a piece of her" and we the reader will realize that Discord is overreacting because he's jealous/overprotective. Then you will have created Dramatic Irony, where the audience knows something the people on stage don't. Furthermore, you will have made the reader feel clever by letting them figure out Discord's feelings instead of having to be told.
Maybe show Discord's feelings instead of telling us? Because right now his feelings do not come across as love. They sound like creepy stalker "love". Or even more interesting, somewhere between obsessive stalker and devoted lover. After all, Discord does intend to tell Fluttershy about his crush today, and presumably he is willing to take no for an answer, so he's not a total creep, but he might be a tad obsessive, something like love.
Regarding your use of ALL CAPS: normally I would advise you to let the language work for you instead of relying on gimmicks like italics and emoticons to get the emotion across. However, because you are just learning, I'll instead ask you to treat the use of all caps, italics, bold, exclamation points, etc like training wheels--to be taken off at a later date.
I'm not sure I like your use of the second person point of view. The fact that Fluttershy finds out he was faking and that the "you" knows he was faking makes me wonder if the "you" is Fluttershy, in which case I entirely disapprove of referring to Fluttershy as "you" in one sentence and "she" in the next. It's inconsistent. If the "you" is not meant to be Fluttershy, then I would recommend putting a comma after the word "know" in order to make the phrase "you know" look more like a verbal tic than Discord addressing a specific person.
Regardless, this fake sickness incident could be interesting. In episode 76, "Three's A Crowd", Discord fakes illness in order to test Twilight's devotion to him. Well, in that instance, it was more like "If you don't do this for me, then how do I know you're my friend, and why should I care what you think". Actually, I don't think Twilight is really his friend, not in the "I care about you" way. I think Twilight sees Discord as her friend only in the "You are not my enemy" and "I do not explicitly wish you harm" sense.
So I can totally see Discord faking sickness because he wants Fluttershy to care for him and he wants to feel cared for. Maybe she sees through him and cares for him anyway, pretending he really is sick, but letting him know she knows....nope. That's not her style, and anyway, quick resolutions make for boring stories. I'd like to see Fluttershy find out why Discord faked sickness, or have Fluttershy make him admit it.
My last question is why oh why does Discord find the stare titillating? Does he enjoy having her full attention, even if it is disappointment? At least, I think her stare is supposed to be of disappointment. Seemed like it in the cockatrice episode. Discord finding the stare sexy is only vaguely plausible in my opinion. Maybe he is lonely and wants attention, even bad attention, and he has never gotten any good attention before Fluttershy so he's a little messed up. So when he messes something up and she notices, and she looks at him, really looks at him, sees him for who he truly is, and he knows that despite her disappointment she will forgive and remain friends--I can see how his heart might beat a little faster at that.
Otherwise that seems kind of random. Maybe I'm over analyzing. Or does he just think she's sexy when she's angry, when she loses all decorum.
Whatever. Good luck.
forgive my language, but,......
DAMN RIGHT