Discord and fluttershy have feelings for each other but are too afraid to tell each other how they feel
will it end good or end in disaster
Chapters (5)
- Member Since 27th Apr, 2014
- offline last seen Mar 7th, 2015
RAINBOWRenee01
i love fluttercord all my fanfics might be about fluttercord we`ll see
RAINBOWRenee01
Joined 27th Apr, 2014 ·
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neat
EDITOR.
I swear to god if that cover art gets smaller I'll lose my shit
Title lacks capitalisation, chapter names too, errors with "i'm", and errors with commas. The 'Grammar Nazis' are going to tear you apart.
Awwwwwwwwwwwww! So cute!
My name is Discord and I swear I don't love Fluttershy.
4458386
pinkie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/thumb/mlfw10785.png
4458508 OMG I read all your stories ur AWSOME thank you so much this means a lot
4458590 I'm my dreams u do and also discords my pony waifu
4458161 thank you this is my first time, but if disneyfanatic ever read my story I'd Fangirl forever
Some of my favourite writers have already read it and I'm sooo happy
4458454 wow thanks for the feedback...
I guess...
4461479 I love disney
4462209 I know she's do cool
D'awww
Oh My
That is so funny! I love it!
funny and cute ending there I liked it
It's cute. I love it.
Your First fanfic
. Congrats
Love it but I saw 2 mistakes.
1. But I can't... I don't have a voice so I must.cry....
is that dot between must and cry meant to be there?
2. Where this girl name Christine diay
it's Dae not diay
Great chapter can't wait to read the next
.
Some of the names didn't start with a capital.
And looking bk out the. Back ?
The end was so funny
I loved the story ( partly because I'm a FlutterCord fan) and when I saw there was going to be a promised sequel I could barley control my self ''yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes''
AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
4563473 thanks
Ok. Critique time.
Check for grammar and punctuation errors.
Overall, I really liked it. I can't wait for the sequel. :)
I am using emoticons since I am on my phone.
Hahaha good ending!
I laughed so hard at this even though I wrote it
woa woa woa woa...woa...going too fast there mate...tooooo fast. A second, they just knew abt each other's love and then BAM! MARRAGE!!
but it was a cute and funny ending
4832706 dude sorry I have a dream
Not bad. I suggest an editor, though. FLUTTERCORD
If I made a list of the errors in this I'd have to re-write the story. Not hating, but it would be helpful.
4458590 That's what you always say in the stories... and it NEVA WORKS
Nicely done! First fic? Wooo hooo!
Disney Fanatic ships! Yes! I love her ships THANK YOU for using AppleSpike!
And yay for a sequal!
Lol this is funny! And so cute!!
Aaaaawwww....so...cute...AGH!!
5241093 well i would love some help but sadly i dont know how to let other people edit my story can u tell me how?
5708315 Shoot them (hi) a PM, or private message. Click the mail thingie at the top of the screen, then hit Send PM. If you've ever sent an email before, I think you'll know what to do.
Right, have you ever heard "show, don't tell" as writing advice? Well, it's advice I think you ought to hear. I mean, summary and exposition do have their place, but so far all we have is Discord's stream-of-consciousness thoughts on Fluttershy. The thing I love about first person point of view is looking over the protagonist's shoulder. I would love it, for example, if the so called "perverts" were innocent. Maybe some guy offers Fluttershy a card on Hearts and Hooves Day, and Fluttershy is oh so flustered and appreciative of the attention, but she politely declines. Then have Discord go on about "perverts trying to get a piece of her" and we the reader will realize that Discord is overreacting because he's jealous/overprotective. Then you will have created Dramatic Irony, where the audience knows something the people on stage don't. Furthermore, you will have made the reader feel clever by letting them figure out Discord's feelings instead of having to be told.
Maybe show Discord's feelings instead of telling us? Because right now his feelings do not come across as love. They sound like creepy stalker "love". Or even more interesting, somewhere between obsessive stalker and devoted lover. After all, Discord does intend to tell Fluttershy about his crush today, and presumably he is willing to take no for an answer, so he's not a total creep, but he might be a tad obsessive, something like love.
Regarding your use of ALL CAPS: normally I would advise you to let the language work for you instead of relying on gimmicks like italics and emoticons to get the emotion across. However, because you are just learning, I'll instead ask you to treat the use of all caps, italics, bold, exclamation points, etc like training wheels--to be taken off at a later date.
I'm not sure I like your use of the second person point of view. The fact that Fluttershy finds out he was faking and that the "you" knows he was faking makes me wonder if the "you" is Fluttershy, in which case I entirely disapprove of referring to Fluttershy as "you" in one sentence and "she" in the next. It's inconsistent. If the "you" is not meant to be Fluttershy, then I would recommend putting a comma after the word "know" in order to make the phrase "you know" look more like a verbal tic than Discord addressing a specific person.
Regardless, this fake sickness incident could be interesting. In episode 76, "Three's A Crowd", Discord fakes illness in order to test Twilight's devotion to him. Well, in that instance, it was more like "If you don't do this for me, then how do I know you're my friend, and why should I care what you think". Actually, I don't think Twilight is really his friend, not in the "I care about you" way. I think Twilight sees Discord as her friend only in the "You are not my enemy" and "I do not explicitly wish you harm" sense.
So I can totally see Discord faking sickness because he wants Fluttershy to care for him and he wants to feel cared for. Maybe she sees through him and cares for him anyway, pretending he really is sick, but letting him know she knows....nope. That's not her style, and anyway, quick resolutions make for boring stories. I'd like to see Fluttershy find out why Discord faked sickness, or have Fluttershy make him admit it.
My last question is why oh why does Discord find the stare titillating? Does he enjoy having her full attention, even if it is disappointment? At least, I think her stare is supposed to be of disappointment. Seemed like it in the cockatrice episode. Discord finding the stare sexy is only vaguely plausible in my opinion. Maybe he is lonely and wants attention, even bad attention, and he has never gotten any good attention before Fluttershy so he's a little messed up. So when he messes something up and she notices, and she looks at him, really looks at him, sees him for who he truly is, and he knows that despite her disappointment she will forgive and remain friends--I can see how his heart might beat a little faster at that.
Otherwise that seems kind of random. Maybe I'm over analyzing. Or does he just think she's sexy when she's angry, when she loses all decorum.
Whatever. Good luck.
Typo: "I love everything about him Him disfigured body..." I love everything about him: his disfigured body, his jokes, his X, his Y, and even his Z.
Typo: "I don't have a voice so I must.cry" Should be "I don't have a voice, so I must cry"
While it using literary devices like the allusion or foreshadowing can enhance a work, I caution your use here. You may be giving too much away. Let me guess: they both go to the gala in disguise. Perhaps one mentions "I like you very much, but I have a crush on X" and the other is like "What a coincidence, I am X". Love ensues. If, on the other hand, you bring your audience to expect this, and then surprise them, you are genius. Well, no, I don't think this story could ever be genius because it's got way too many ellipses, but I digress. It would be neat if Fluttershy's mention of her favorite book was mere characterization, not foreshadowing. Well, I say foreshadowing, but you might as well be telegraphing in bold 24 pt. font.
Was that too harsh? I mean, sometimes in order to learn how to do a thing, you have to learn how to NOT do a thing first. Like when Thomas Edison invented the lightbulb.
How about a run-down on grammar. It's useful to know even if you're going to flaunt it like e. e. cummings.
Do you know the difference between a Dependent Clause, an Independent Clause, and a Phrase?
A phrase (P) lacks a subject and predicate. (Or "subject and verb" if you prefer) An example of a P is "Being responsible". By itself, a P is not a complete sentence; it is a sentence fragment.
A Dependent Clause (DC) has both a subject and predicate, but it can not stand on its own. An example of a DC is "If you win the bet". If you win the bet, then WHAT? I have to sing My Little Pony in public? Give money to charity? By itself, a DC is a sentence fragment.
An Independent Clause (IC) has both a subject and verb, AND it can stand on its own. "I ran" "The dog bit me" Without an IC, a sentence is not complete; it is a sentence fragment.
You can combine P, DC, and IC in a variety of ways. You need a comma after a DC when it's followed by an IC. "If you win the bet, I do the dishes for a week" "When you come home, I'll feed the dog" If the IC comes before the DC, then a comma probably isn't needed. "I'll feed the dog when you come home" Phrases pretty much always need a comma...I think. "Being responsible for once, Naruto decided to eat his vegetables"
There are several ways to combine 2 ICs. The most common is a comma and a coordinating conjunction: for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so. "I went to the movies, and Joe walked the dog" "I wanted to play outside, but it was raining" "The light turned red, so I hit the brakes" Another method is the semicolon. However, remember not to use a comma and that the ICs must be related. "I love butterflies; they're so pretty" "I hate A Tale of Two Cities; my favorite character died for a pathetic girl whose main character trait was that she fainted a lot" You can also use dashes. I am unsure of the rules regarding colons. YOU CAN NOT CONNECT TWO IC WITH A COMMA. That is a comma splice, or run-on sentence. Well, OK, I suppose that it's not completely illegal because artistic liberty, but if you're writing a comma splice at least be writing it on purpose.
By the way, don't put a comma every time you see the word "and". It's possible for a subject to be used for more than one verb. ex.) I ran down the hallway and smashed into a door. The subject "I" applies to both "ran" and "smashed". If you wrote "I ran down the hallway, and smashed into a door", then you're connecting an IC with a P using a coordinating conjunction--which are supposed to connect 2 ICs. To correct your mistake, you'd have to change it to "I ran down the hallway, smashing into a door" IC, P.
I would not recommend using abbreviations or not capitalizing names. It looks lazy, and if the author doesn't care enough about the story to bother typing out characters' full names, then why should the reader care about the story either? Lead by example. Make the reader care by showing that you care, that you bothered to make an effort.
Ah, but does Fluttershy think that Fluttershy is the most beautiful. That is the interesting question.
Typo: "All the girls put on there masks" Should be "their" not there.
Right. Overall I'd say your fic was cute but cringe worthy, and what I enjoyed most was complaining about it. But hey, all musicians start off learning hot cross buns, so there's hope for you yet.
I hope there is a sequel
That end tho
When Discord proposed I said:
forgive my language, but,......
DAMN RIGHT