- Member Since 30th Jun, 2013
- offline last seen April 20th
Pickleless
A man is driving home, thinking about beating his wife. Along the way, he passes a turtle. I am that turtle.
Pickleless
Joined 30th Jun, 2013 ·
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Well. Um.
m.quickmeme.com/img/bd/bd2c743b055fe939c2628ab529e17ac0ae4492ca3d2882fdde415b867277e8b3.jpg
Wait, if Twilight cast a (fake) genderswap spell (really just a flashy light) and said it made her a stallion would they believe it?
4308680
She looks like a mare to them.
She also can't remember what she looks like as a Mare.
Whoops, I mean, he doesn't remember what he looks like as a mare.
I swear, so many times I typed she, and had to go back...
Well, that was one long wtf moment.
You are victorious!
Wat.
This sounds like genma satome right here, sound all philosophical and then basically say "Nope! Im just doing this for a dumb and selfish reason!"
This... this was art the way you used this phrase
The previous Twilight penis story was manageable, this not so much.
4309538
Considering the context of the story, that could really mean anything.
4309701
My thoughtless word choice aside, this is more disconcerting story. I mean genders are an illusion versus a spell error. I am more likely to read the latter, because it doesn't seem like a penis mind fuck. That's not to say no one enjoys a good mind fuck, I prefer not to read some of those.
4309760
Discord just Discorded the two of them.
Celestia is insane, and now made Twilight insane too.
It IS some insane spell that messed with them.
All of the above.
I could have done that, buuuuut... I guess I didn't really want to take this all that seriously. Like I said in the author comments. It's a story about Twilight now having a penis, somehow not being romance or erotica. It's a strange feeling knowing I naturally came up with two of those stories without thinking too hard.
But hey, that's what sequels are for. If I ever feel like visiting this again, you might get your "It was a spell error actually." story. Plus Celestia/Twilight Bromance.
4309915
That's kinda what I thought^^ I mean, when the whole world keeps telling you your senses are playing tricks on you, there's a pretty high chance they're right and you're, well, not. Nevermind that Twilight does have a history of, er, 'issues'.
4310472
It's AMAZING how much thought I am giving this as we speak, because I really started this fanfic intended it not to have...this much thinking involved, at all. I mean, I only have myself to blame, but yeah.
*ahem*
4309760
*pokes this person too.*
SO, in life, generally one of the things that crazy people use as a justification for why they're right is they say God or a high religious figure told them to do it. Before any of you yell religion hater, calm down, I don't have anything against anyone. Now, Celestia, Twilight's god, teacher, mother figure, idol, and main pillar of support told her-er him that this absurd version of reality is real.
Now if your god, teacher, mother figure, idol, and main pillar of support told you something crazy was true. Not also that, but told you it's a secret that only you're let in on, because it wants to be super special best friends with you, would you fight it all that much?
Even I can't make sense of this, an I have been to universes where everything is made of candy, and people can eat it.
Not to mention the universe where men get pregnant and give birth though their penises directly after ejaculating in a vagina.
And the one where pinkie is sane.
4314440
It's like a homosexual's wet dream, except the only ones around to enjoy it are incredibly disappointed heterosexuals.
...what?
This concept.... what??
I don't even... my god....
...
Okay, I'm fine. But this was some first tier mind-fuckery. :/
-Zeph
You, sir, have forced my hand. Prepare to be destroyed!......................Not really, but seriously, this is just too perfect a story for me to just kill the urge to write a comment! Please, destroy my view of reality with more! Driving me to the point of insanity is good for business
4314717 those ones barely scratch the top ten strangest universes I've seen
The sheer unexpected absurdity... it simply can't be found anywhere else but in a Pickleless story. My sides, again. My poor, poor sides
Pickleless, are you behind on one of your lessons again?
I couldn't get past the first paragraph with out snorting my drink... Soda burns nostrils I hope you are happy with yourself
I feel like you need to explain to them in detail, what these fics were about. Because saying you wrote about Twilight with a stiffy, really does not even remotely do them justice.
This paragraph. Right here. Holy Shit I can't stop laughing. And yes it was necessary to quote the entire thing.
Stop writing one-shots. If you can keep this up, I would never get tired of reading what you write. So go big or go home. Yes I am trying to manipulate you. But at least I'm honest about it.
4831941
God damn man, you have some seriously awesome story titles.
The way they breed. *shivers* My penis hurts now...
"Brain.EXE has crashed" Well fuck. It's a nice fic, if you don't think about it too much.
There is so much WAT here
This is fucking great. Just sad there isn't more oblivious stallion sex.
ch2. it becomes about romance
Hello, yes, thank you for waiting everypony. Sorry for my abrupt departure the other morning, but the reason I feel will soon become abundantly clear. I would like to first thank Fluttershy for graciously agreeing to remain underneath a tablecloth for the time being. Nothing personal, it's not you it's me. Now, to get at the heart of the matter at hand, I have finally obtained irrevocable evidence that Princess Celestia is completely stark raving mad. Fortunately I am completely unable to show you this evidence, because if you saw it, you would run out of this room screaming as I am very earnestly trying not to do right now. Now, I have read extensively of psychological texts but I am not a medical doctor, so it is mere speculation when I state that the princess must have had a traumatic experience with stallions as a child. The reason for this, and I do hope this won't leave this room because I don't want any of you to suffer a terrible fate, is that for the greater portion of her immense lifetime, Princess Celestia has been absolutely one hundred percent convinced that females don't exist.
You want me to provide evidence of this, I understand, but that's not what I've come to tell you all. Aside from the princess herself choosing to seek help for her mental problems, there's not many ways to prove to you that she is bonkers nutty. She's had more than a thousand years to learn to adapt to her disability as it were, and it is to her credit that she can continue to live as normal a life as possible. You've all met the princess, and she definitely confirmed to you that she is aware of your existence, but the delusion manifests in that she is completely unable to accept that you are not all stallions. Yes this is related to my outburst that morning, but be patient and I'll address that.
Princess Celestia has crafted a complex delusion in which she lives from day to day, to rationalize what I can only assume are her inner insecurities about her own, or other pony's marehoods. Every mare or filly she has ever seen in the vast portion of her expansive lifetime she has perceived as a stallion or a colt, respectively. She crafts artificial facial hair, artificial physique and muscle tone, and as a matter of course, artificial penises on each and every one of their crotches. She rationalizes these "stallions" acting like mares, by deluding herself into thinking that they are only pretending to act like mares, like the stallions you may have seen dressed in drag down in the red light district. Imagine that, but every single mare in Equestria is that. She sees stallions gossipping over girl problems, stallions dressing scantily to woo the attentions of other stallions, stallions singing about roses and butterflies as though they had a rose butterfly and not a banana sausage.
Despite the fact that she must assume that a vast enchantment greater than any ever performed beyond even her capability to dispel, yet completely undetectable, has deluded every pony in existence for the last thousand years or more, she will not consider the alternative that she's the one who is enchanted or otherwise insane. Despite the fact that the creator of such an enchantment, given her assumption that females don't exist, would have no idea how to craft the illusion of a pony who was anything but male, she remains adamant that such a villain existed at some point in the past despite her complete lack of evidence for that existence outside of her own warped perceptions. Despite the fact that an all male society would have no way to reproduce, she has crafted elaborate justifications for how which two males may copulate and produce offspring. These methods are violent and self mutilating, not unlike what a filly who has been abused by stallions in the past might imagine. Princess Celestia remains unable to recognize that what she sees as an arbitrary distinction between male and male-pretending-to-be-female is an undeniable biological reality, since “true” males are completely unable to be impregnated by these methods, nor can “pretend” males impregnate. Pointing out that a lack of sexual differentiation so profound would make no sense just provoked another one of her mysterious smiles.
I have been speaking with a psychologist about this surreptitiously, not just for the princess's sake but for my own and possibly that of others though I pray it not be so. This delusion that females do not exist and all ponies are stallions has proven itself mostly harmless. She has guided Equestrian society for so long after all without trying to enslave everypony or subjugate them to her will. Aside from her dogged insistence that mares are stallions, she remains the princess I grew up with and loved. Unfortunately, mostly harmless is not completely harmless, and I have fallen into the very small category of ponies whom she has inadvertently harmed. Imagine if you will that you remain unable to accept a mare as a mare, seeing her only as a stallion, and nopony will believe you, and nopony besides yourself can perceive the delusion, yet you are unable to accept that it is all in your head. Not even your incredible magical powers can make other ponies see the world as you do, yet you are unable to accept that it is not they who are bewitched. It would be a very scary experience, and lonely you can imagine. As such the princess has taken the liberty to experiment with less savory magic in order to find somepony sympathetic to her, or else make them that way.
So this is why I need to tell you this, because I am worried that the princess’s delusion has finally progressed to the point that she is willing to use mind magic to twist others to agree with her by force. I need to tell you because she may try to do it to you too, if not for her her own sake, out of sympathy for ...me. I should mention that Princess Celestia accompanied me on my ascension to proto-godhood, and she revealed to me earlier that during that time she forcibly altered the process by which this ascension would occur. Specifically, she completely removed my ability to perceive any mares as female. Yes that’s right, she drove me insane with her own Celestia damned delusion.
This all came as a completely unannounced surprise I might add. And that’s why I was screaming about your nonexistent penises, my nonexistent penis, and penises in general. You thought it was just the stress driving me mad, but unfortunately it was none other than the princess herself who did it. I apologize for that. That’s the reason I reacted so harshly at Applejack’s expressed desire to expand the Apple family. Because a stallion was telling me he wanted to be pregnant. And that’s the reason that Fluttershy has to hide under a tablecloth. I can see from your queasy expressions that you’re all trying to imagine Fluttershy as a stallion, but I can assure you it is much worse than you imagine. She is not only a stallion, she is the most attractive stallion I have ever seen in my life, and I can’t have her because I am unable to perceive myself as a mare anymore either. So forgive me for needing her to hide that gorgeous steel cut face, but I really need to concentrate on telling this to you all and not on preventing myself from having the delusion of having a boner.
Once again I apologize, and I’ll try to deal with my new... disability as best as I can. Hopefully a cure can be found, at least, for a pony who is willing to seek one. You all need to know though, because if the princess is doing this to ponies, not just myself, she could be putting all of Equestria at risk, and certainly will ruin lives attempting to rationalize her own irrational delusions. She has the means and the motive, and while there is no crime without action, it still means we must remain on high alert.
Oh, there is one more reason. You said you were interested in foaling, Applejack, and that removes the chief obstacle in one of my experiments. In the interest of Science to prove beyond all doubt that this is a delusion, I would like to attempt to impregnate you. As Celestia has drawn me into her delusion, the requirement that one “mare” perceive herself as a stallion is met, so if she is telling the truth then I should be fully capable of impregnating a mare. If you do bear a foal from that, then we may have an even more serious problem on our hooves than a delusional princess, but at least you’ll have your foal! If as predicted both of our penises “split open” as the princess described, and we are unable to impregnate each other, then I can conclusively say our benevolent ruler is loco in the coco. It’s win/win either way, so what do you say to a little experimentation?
Yes that’s right, Applejack. I’m asking you out.
Ow...
I’ll take that as a... maybe.
5550424
Sugarcube, are you behind on one of your lessons again?
5550616
5551148
Today, I made a fire in my backyard.
That's about it.
The space-time continuum is behind on one of its lessons again.
re you behind on one of your lessons again dear
Can some one explain this line
6496298 Watch "Lesson Zero"
5714427 ... not funny
6501987 oh
What. Just what.
derpicdn.net/img/2013/10/14/448916/full.gif
wat
x0.wykop.pl/cdn/c3397992/Applejack_0Qd1dv8kt2,q250.jpg
8062276
Okay this time I have no excuse.
5550424
Five years after this was published and four years after your comment. I must say........ wut?
Also Pickleless.......................................
That is all
9987862
I am an enigma wrapped up in a cheese quesadilla.
You sure do take advantage of that random tag don’t you?
https://thumbs.gfycat.com/UnfitFarFugu-size_restricted.gif
4308643
some say he's still out there, somewhere. waiting.