Octavia's Loss

by Dispirit

Part two

2 months later

The fire, the only thing keeping the room lit, was flickering; it only had a few minutes left to burn, but she didn't care. She was curled up, facing away from the glimmering embers, empty bottle of her favorite tonic in hand; it was empty but she was doing her best to withold the fact that she was out.

This was usual behavior, she had been in this rut ever since the accident, the same thing everyday: wake up around noon, stumble towards the kitchen, open a cupboard and hopefully find a drink, lay down, pop open a bottle, and forget about all the pain. this schedule had never changed, it was so tedious that it felt, to her, like it was the same day, as I'd the drink she held in her hand was the same one she received from her friend the day she started this monotonous agenda. But of course, the large heap of hollow glasses said otherwise.

There was a knock on the door, the first sound the grungy mare had heard from another being in weeks, other accounts have included checkups from concerned friends, as she expected this to be. "Octavia! Octavia, please open the door, you haven't left the house in weeks. Everyone's concerned about you." This voice came from the widely known, ever-so-loved, Princess Twilight Sparkle. The depressed pony didn't even bat an eye, she sat in anguish, drowning out anything and everything the beloved princess had to say, the only thing that was taken into description by her was: "I'm coming back tomorrow, and this door will have to be opened, please don't let me do it by force.", then silence had finally returned.

Again, she awoke. The usual schedule: get up, get a drink, and forget. But this time was different, there was a break in her agenda, she found herself walking towards one of the wooden chairs, which bore Applejack's "lucky" lasso, which the pony had stole the night of the travesty, laying on a wooden fence while the apple farmer was inside, sheltering from the rain. The rope was fitted into a noose, ready to be hung upon the rafters of the abode. She sat there for a moment, commiting a violent act, such as this, isn't an easy decision to make.

There was a knock on the door, as expected, by Twilight. "Octavia, please, this is your last chance. Open the door, or I will have no other choice but to open it myself." Again, the pony did not move, at this point, nothing could make her move, at this point, she couldn't.

"I'm sorry I have to do this." Her horn sparkled, along with the keyhole of the door; the tumblers clicked and the door creaked open just a few inches. Twilight pushed the door open with her hoof, "Alright, come on, this is long overdu-" A shadow emanated from the fireplace, casting that of the once saddened mare, who hung from the rope that had finally ended her misery.

Comments

[Geopocalypse]

This story is not bad for a first attempt. I can definitely tell that you put effort into it. You chose to write something with more meaning than just another alicorn OC dating all of the main 6 and the princesses, and I credit you on that.

This story feels like it could be an excellent story with the right polish. First off it was much too short and didn't give enough time to develop an emotional attachment to what was happening. I know that (for the most part) the characters in fanfiction have an already established personality, but as an author you shouldn't be afraid to develop them in your own way (as long as it's believable).

My suggestions to you would to join a few groups like the school for new writers or any other group that interests you. Don't forget to post your story to groups that deal with your type of story. Not only does this increase the amount of people who will see your story, but also increases the amount of feedback you will receive which is crucial to improving yourself.

All in all I think your story could easily be made into a wonderful story by expanding upon it and giving it time to develop (Also check out the fimfiction writing guide! It helped me improve my writing a lot.)

I hope I have not discouraged you at all and I wish you only the best.
Hope something I"ve said has helped and welcome you as a new site author!
Best of luck.

[Artemis Kuma]

Much like Geopocalypse said, I feel like there could have been much more expansion of the story. What was the accident? Where was the accident? When and how did Octy steal Applejack's rope? There are so many things you could have elaborated on and didn't. Please continue to write, and next time, think more on the details, hmm? o_O

B-E-A-Utiful cover art though.

[Diamond Sparkle]

Poor Octy.

[Ahrazell]

Hit home.

DAT feels,