- Member Since 8th Apr, 2014
- offline last seen Sep 29th, 2023
KillerChainsaw
I don't often write, but when I do it normally involves drama and/or NSFW content ;P
KillerChainsaw
Joined 8th Apr, 2014 ·
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KillerChainsaw · 124k words · 37 6 · 1.2k views
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I began reading, but immediately, I saw some issues in your writing. The premise seems interesting, and I assume you're leading up to TwiDash (which I'll always approve of), but there are simply too many errors. For example, your generous use of parentheses for your exposition in the first paragraph, and your ellipses (...). Parentheses should be used sparingly in prose (once or twice a chapter max, and in the appropriate places), and ellipses are only ever three periods.
I recommend that you get a good editor to go over your work before you publish. They will weed out such mistakes, thus making your work far more readable. There are several groups dedicated to helping authors to find editors and proof readers here on FimFiction.
Happy writing.
7178558
Thank you for commenting I really appreciate it. :)
This is my first story on here, so there are bound to be some mistakes. I'm sorry about all the parentheses I just wanted to be specific, and hopefully not leave readers with unanswered questions that they may have. Also the thing about the ellipses is you can use more if you feel so inclined to, yes three is the correct useage, but it's not a big thing if you use more, plus it sometimes helps with making the pauses more spaced out, in order for things to flow well together.
I will apologize for any other errors you may have found, I will be sure to work on improving my writing as I grow as a writer. And for now I would like to keep it as just a team of one for me, I may consider taking on an editor or a proof reader in the future, but for right now I would like to work by myself if that's alright.
I do write very often, and am learning all kinds of things about it each day, I proof read all my work and make sure everything is as good as I can make it. And although this is my first story I've written on here so far, it's not my first story ever, I have been writing on other sites for quite some time now and have come far since when I first started.
I thank you for all that you have said, and will take it all into consideration, and will work on improving myself as a writer on this site from here on out.
Thank you for reading, KillerChainsaw ;)
7179389
Well, it good to keep that can-do attitude. If you enjoy it, keep doing it. Though, I would still recommend someone to edit. If you really don't want to do that, I suggest finishing up a chapter, leave it for a few days, read a book or something in the meantime to refocus your brain, then go though your work and edit it yourself. You'd be supprised how much a fresh frame of mind can help to weed out errors.
As for the ellipses (or suspention points, in this case), I don't know where you got that notion from, but I'm afraid it's simply wrong. I know it might seem like longer ellipsis equals longer pause, but in reality, it just looks sloppy and amaturish. The writing itself should indicate how long a pause is. For example:
"I'm not exactly sure what you mean by that..." Rarity replied to the mare's odd statement, followed by an awkward silence.
or
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt your..." Fluttershy's timid apologies trailed off into silence.
http://www.thepunctuationguide.com/ellipses.html
http://thewritepractice.com/how-to-use-an-ellipsis-correctly/ (see: "How Many Periods Are There In An Ellipsis?")
I'm glad you write this story it's very interesting to read keep up a good work update more soon.
questions is it a rainbow dash and twilight pairing just wanted to know? 
7180937
I always have a can-do attitude. :D
And I will think about getting an editor in the future but for now I'll just work by myself, and yes I will most certainly do as you said, I just wanted to get this first chapter out quickly, because I was busy on other days and couldn't spend too long going over it, but I will spend more time looking over my writing in future chapters.
As for the thing about the ellipses I got it from some books, and stories I had read online. And I can see where you're coming from, and I will use the correct useage (three) from here on out, after all I don't want my writing looking sloppy. :)
Thank you again for all that you have said it all really helps me as a writer.
KillerChainsaw ;)
7182015
Thank you ever so much for reading and commenting. :D
Glad you are interested in the story so far, I plan to update it this week (hopefully either on Friday or Saturday), and yes it is a Twidash fic. :)
KillerChainsaw ;)
weeeelllllllll
Okay I think I already like it that this story isn't exactly canon, but on the other hand I'm a bit affraid if you maybe just let Rainbow Dash hit on her in a rather weird way.
I mean I honestly thought it would start after seaseon 3 was it?
I just hope for something more interessting personality than Rainbow just being some sort of bad girl that is trying to get the new princess into her bed, and Twilight being the helpless damsel in distress.
Other than that I think it is actually pretty interessting, but maybe a bit to soon for Twilight to just allow every stranger to call her just Twilight, I would like it if others would have to well sort of earn it, I'm just in the mood for that.
Spike isn't really well nice, or at least he allows himself to much.
Not bad so far, and while it is actually pretty harmless I don't really like it that Spike is acting like her father there.
Lol in the end Spike reminded me of a overprotective dad after his daughter has came back from a date.
7195582
Spike sees himself as more of a bodyguard to Twilight, and he knows he is meant to look out for her, otherwise Princess Celsetia will be on his tail LOL XD And don't worry Spike is actually nice, he's just not so sure if the pegasi from Couldsdale are really ponies Twilight should trust and become friends with.
KillerChainsaw ;)
7195798
Yeah that was kinda what I was going for LOL XD
Thank you for commenting. :D
KillerChainsaw ;)
7194954
Thank you for commenting, and yes Twilight isn't very good with naming dragons as you can tell XD
I don't think you're getting Rainbow Dash's character in this, she isn't exactly a 'bad girl' as such, the ponies in Ponyvile just don't like her since the ponies from Ponyvile and the pegasi from Cloudsdale don't get along at all. Plus she hasn't got any sort of feelings for Twilight, she's just welcoming the new Princess like Applejack and Rarity did, she's also not hitting on her or trying to get her into her bed, she's just being friendly really.
And don't worry that's not what this story is about, Dash has no feeling towards Twilight (...yet) and Twilight is most certainly not going to be the damsel in distress character, you will see this as the story carries on. ;)
Twilight hasn't been a Princess for very long so she is a little uncomfortable with everypony calling her as such, so she's telling them to call her by her name since that is what she is used to other ponies calling her. And besides the only ones that are calling her by her name right now are Applejack, Rarity and Spike, so it's not that many. :)
Glad you are liking the story so far. :D
KillerChainsaw ;)
7196986 okay but him more or less telling her how long she can stay up was just stupid to me.
7196994
I knew that she hadn't done that yet, but it was something I could image would maybe happen.
Woah, things are developing fast, aren't they?
But interesting story so far.
7198258
Glad you are liking the story so far, and thank you ever so much for commenting. :D
KillerChainsaw ;)
7197226
Well he didn't tell her how long she could be up there for, he just didn't want her being up there for too long by herself is all. :)
KillerChainsaw ;)
So, something bad happened, two different parties had a fight which couldn't be resolved by talking and there's some bad blood ever since?
Yep. Sounds like real life.
On a personal note, I think it's sometimes not easy to just let go of the past and move on. Especially when you've been wronged.
And if Rainbow's story is true, wouldn't the ponies from Ponyville be the jerks? Forcing the pegasi out of town as condition for their forgiveness? Seems a little bit weird.
This whole "food stealing"-thing is either a misunderstanding or a conspiracy! Just my opinion though.
Nice chapter, I have nothing to complain about.
7216979
Happy to hear it. :D
KillerChainsaw ;)
7215319
Dash's story is true, but the two towns have been like this for years, so the reason for everything isn't all that easy to remember, everypony just knows that Ponyvile and Cloudsdale aren't 'good neighbours' at all, and the ponies aren't exactly jerks as such, they just didn't want the pegasi coming into their town and constandly causing trouble for them, like they were doing.
And as for the food stealing situation...well let's just say that many of the pegasi were very nice and all, however there were some that weren't all like the rest, and would sometimes ignore certain rules (you'll find out more about this tpoic in the next chapter).
Thank you for commenting. :)
KillerChainsaw ;)
Ponyville being judgmental, jumping to conclusions or just being racist?
Yeah, what? Seems like nopony knows anymore what really has had happened. Besides, was that Fluttershy or Rainbow Dash stating that the pegasi left Ponyville voluntarily?
If it's Rainbow she's contradicting herself since she previously stated that the pegasi were run out of town. Either that or she lied.
Or is Fluttershy lying? Either way, a little bit weird that there's two versions of this event but I guess that there's a purpose for that, right?
7237431
Thank you ever so much for commenting :D
And now to answer your questions all things about what Fluttershy was talking about at the end will become clear in the next chapter, so don't worry, all will make sense soon. :)
It was Fluttershy that stated that the pegasi left since Rainbow was on her fly remember. And yes there is a purpose for it all, basically the story behind the falling out can be told in different ways, from Rainbow's point of view the story was that Ponyvile were at fault for what happened, and from Fluttershy's point of view however, the story is that Cloudsdale were the ones at fault. I know it may seem a little confusing right now, but like I said, all will be revealed in the next chapter.
KillerChainsaw ;)
wait I thought we could count Fluttershy to the earth Pony fraction in this story. Or was Rainbow more or less talking about Fluttershy too, when she mentioned that they were run out of town?
7240480
Rainbow was talking about Fluttershy as well when she told Twilight that the ponies ran them out of town, but Rainbow's story could be wrong, you'll find out in the next chapter. ;)
KillerChainsaw ;)
7243158 look on the horizon i see a ship. yes its the S.S. TwiDash
7247395
And what a beautiful ship it is. :D
KillerChainsaw ;)
7248526 she is an old ship but a good ship some say she is the finest in the fleet
7248556
Indeed. :)
KillerChainsaw ;)
If your a sucker for drama, than why doesn't this story have a drama tag?
Dash looks to be telling the truth. But at the same time Shy believes it is the other way around. I get the feeling that there was a few Pegasi, like the ones that picked on Shy and Dash in the show, who did stuff. The ponies on the ground start blaming everything that goes wrong on the Pegasi, and Shy believes that is true because she remembers how some Pegasi were cruel to her.
YAY! MORE CHAPTERS!
This whole conflict is getting me confused.
The speeches of the characters are also really long. Maybe you should work a little bit more with full stops instead of commas.
7266070 SHIP HO run out the guns we give no quarter
7266070
Yeah I understand that it may be a little confusing right now, basically there are two stories of what happened in the past, one told in Ponyvile's favour, meaning the pegasi were at fault for what happened (Fluttershy's version) and the other told in Cloudsdale's favour, meaning the ponies were at fault for what happened (Dash's version). Hopefully this clears a few things up for you. :)
And yes I am working on making the characters speech shorter.
KillerChainsaw ;)
7265284
Because there's not really any real drama in the story yet (at least that's how I see it), I may add that tag in if there turns out to be more drama in the futrue. :)
KillerChainsaw ;)
Dang I'm all caught up. I was planning to read it all in one run once it's finished, but I snowballed chapters after reading the first one.
Interesting story about the Ponyville and Cloudsdale feud.
Love can be confusing indeed....
"Possibly dangerous" ... foreshadowing?
7278077
You'll have to just wait and see. ;)
KillerChainsaw ;)
7278011
Thank you :D
KillerChainsaw ;)
Is it just me or did the whole romance develope kind of fast? Also, Rainbow is really direct and moving forward fast considering her feelings towards Twilight who is a princess. Kind of weird that this fact is disregarded that easily.
The offer at the end of the chapter is another weird thing. How about spending some time to get to know each other better instead of ... excessive kissing or whatever is happening? Oh, wait, there's a "Sex"-tag. Is this where the next chapter is going? Well, we'll find out sooner or later, right?
Somehow the whole conflict about the two towns has moved to the background now. Not that I want to complain. I like the Idea of Rainbow stealing Twilight and having her for herself in Cloudsdale which is autonomous.
Now a little observation:
Since Rainbow is speaking, I thought that this was intentional due to her grudge against Ponyville, or rather Pony-vile. Nice pun.
Sadly, Ponyville is spelled Ponyvile in all other instances as well, so it's a typo.
7298055
It's supposed to develope fast, that's the point. They will of course get to know each other more as the story goes on, but for know they both want to know where they stand, friends or more? Rainbow's character is more direct in this story than in the show, she knows what love feels like, and she is simply accepting that, and embracing it. It's not disreguarded, you'll see what I mean by saying this in future chapters. ;)
I'm not giving anything away here, but let's just say that a little bit more than just kissing will be in the next chapter. I know they seem to be rushing into things awfully quick, but that's the whole point, this will become clear as more chapters come.
Yes the story is focusing more on the relationship of Twilight and Dash right now, but you will see more of the conflict mentoined more in the chapters to come. I like the sound of that idea as well.
I didn't even notice that there, I must have be spelling Ponyville wrong, and just didn't realize till now. I'm not all that good at making puns a lot of the time, so it's funny that I made this one unintentionally and you found it like this. XD
Thank you for commenting and giving me your feedback as always. :D
KillerChainsaw ;)
7301002 Well, I'm still following this story and I'm curious how things will work out.
i still fallow this story it is getting vary interesting now keep up a good work update more please
7301312
Glad to hear it.
KilerChainsaw ;)
7301541
Thank you, and I'm glad you're liking it, next chapter coming out this weekend.
KillerChainsaw ;)
They can't keep it secret forever, someone will find out sooner or later. Anyways great work I love it!