- Member Since 8th Apr, 2014
- offline last seen Sep 29th, 2023
KillerChainsaw
I don't often write, but when I do it normally involves drama and/or NSFW content ;P
KillerChainsaw
Joined 8th Apr, 2014 ·
Offline
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Great story with some amazing emotional drama planted just perfectly within each paragraph. I was a little afraid the pacing would seem a bit rushed due to the type of story this was presented as. But there was never a moment where I had to fill in my own blanks or jump to hasty conclusions when reading. Plus it served as the perfect sequel, I just love your characterization of Rarity.
I'm also a sucker for drama, and more so for good RariDash dramas. Which in its self is a rare occurrence on this site, so I tip my nonexistent hat to you.
8729633
Oh I'm so glad you enjoyed it, and I thank you for reading this story all the way through.
I had a blast writing this story (since I love drama so much), and I'm so glad that a fellow drama lover like you enjoyed it too.
KillerChainsaw ;)
It’s ok for a paragraph to contain more than one sentence. It really is, I promise. If 100% of the sentences in this story aren’t too long, than at least 98% are. You say the same thing over, and over, and over again, almost to the point of parody. Please read what you have written and try to trim away what isn’t necessary.
To clarify, I’m quoting one of your many, many run-on sentences. This is not the worst offender in terms of redundancy, but it needs work there too.
Look at this bloated mess of a paragraph. It should end with “…Applejack stated.” Nothing that follows imparts any new information. Are you paid by the word or something?
Jesus Christ. One sentence. One gargantuan abomination of a sentence. Have you read books before? Have any of them droned on quite so repetitively? I want this criticism to come across as constructive, but I’m just too mad and frustrated right now. I’ve started skipping three or four entire paragraphs at a time (sentences, really, but that’s only because you’re so deathly afraid of a damned period) without missing any crucial information. Did you get that? I’m saying 75% of your work, conservatively, is useless, boring filler. Do better.
I’ll fix this one for you:
Soaring through the sky, Twilight sure hoped Rainbow was home. She didn’t really know where else to look.
^ That’s it. Have I said any less than you?
Fixed it for you:
“What do you mean?” Rainbow asked, clearly stalling for time.
You do this a lot - ending paragraphs (sentences. It’s just a single sentence. AGAIN.) with the phrase “it seemed”. What purpose does it serve? Is there a chance the preceding assertion is incorrect? Is it important for the reader to know there’s a chance? IMO, the answer to both of these questions is no. Get rid of “it seemed”. This is wishy-washy, flabby writing. That “right now” phrase should also go.
You have literary ticks, did you know that? “It seemed” and “right now” are two of the more irksome ones.
Is English not your first language? That would explain a lot. For example, you commonly use the present indicative at the start of a paragraph, even though the whole story has been written in past tense. Should be
You could also do
Annnnnnd finally, you realize that Rarity has never, not once, pleasured Dash in return? Some very one-sided sex going on. How can she have all these pent up feelings for the generous pegasus and be content to just lie there and get serviced? Selfish. Rude. Rainbow has needs too…