John Smith, the one and only Human In Equestria. He has been there for a few months, and has been feeling, Lonely. He has been craving the touch of another being like himself. One Night, as he gazes at the moon, he wishes for just that. The Next morning, which was the Summer Sun Celebration, a strange female creature, lizard like, but humanoid like John, appears in Ponyville square, completely nude. Because of these slight similarities, John is tasked with getting to know and learning about the "Argonian" as she calls herself. he accepts the task, wanting to get to know her better. Slowly, she opens up to him, and he finds out secrets that she holds. But as he finds out more about her, he begins to connect with her, and their friendship evolves into something more
- Member Since 12th Nov, 2013
- offline last seen 6 hours ago
Thunder Quill
I write when I'm motivated, which, I am disappointed in myself to say, is few and far between, so don't expect chapters often. I'm also a sub par HiE writer that occasionally writes other things.
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Wow, this concept sounds quite original.
I'ma get reading now!
4201759 Thank you good sir, I've read your stories as well, very nice.
Okay, let's get started!
First off do not use numbers like 2 alicorns, instead of two alicorns. It looks very sloppy.
Secondly, black t shirt, shoes and jeans? Careful mate, that's very edgy. Try not to make him into some ultra depressive emo angsty teen (Aka Edward from Twilight)
Lastly, don't rush this bond like you seem to be. Make it so that Detha doesn't like him at first, and is very wary to get anywhere near him, let alone talk. Thus allowing a multitude of chapters for them to find some sort of common ground. Thus begins the friendship, then the butterflies in the stomach, then the love, then the steamy sex that everyone will secretly be gagging for.
Oh and try to space out the paragraphs, it just makes it look neater.
That is all, I'll chuck this on my Read Later list, you'll get a fav if the next chapter shows this type of improvement.
All in all, good start, needs some polish, but good start.
Quick question, where are the ponies ?
Because a love story between a displaced human and a displaced argonian with the vaguest hint of ponies somewhere around perplex me. I want a story with ponies as main protagonist, after all this site is about PONIES.
4201847
Or you know, at least as side-characters that contribute something to the plot.
4201847 I understand where your coming from, there will be more ponies in the future, don't worry.
To fast.
Pull it back a little.
Also, and this is just me talking, don't have them be infatuated after a dream and 1 conversation.
Don't have the ponies and Equestria just be background.
And have a little more character development, but I suppose it is only the first chapter.
4202139 I'm not going to have them fall in love with each other this soon, deetha was Loopy from the blood loss, she'll be back to normal soon.
4202182 update?
7625197 I'm sorry to say, that if I do go back to this story, it'll be a long time from now.
7625214 nah man i get it, life problems, work, family stuff like that gets in the way of writing and i get that, but i just wanted to know if there was a chance that you'd go back to the story, i really don't care if it takes really long or not. if anything it just gives me something to look forward to.
7625255 it's also cause I got other stories I'm working on.