When two friends get chased into an odd old temple with strange drawings on the walls, they find a colorful rainbow portal and get sucked into it. Having been found by a mythological creature, they go and help her in her endeavor to save her friend, and stay a bit longer than expected.
Colab with the great and powerful Pen Brush!
Edit: For the time being, Pen has decided to stop working on chapters. I'll keep working, but some characters will be written differently, since I'll be the one writing them instead of Pen.
Chapters (14)
interesting story...
4921975 Thank you sir/madam, Pen and I appreciate the compliment.
Hmmm...
If I had to give you my honest opinion, I'd say that your two OCs seem more like cartoon characters than the actual cartoon characters. Constantly making jokes and rushing to odd conclusions.
Whatever. Have a favorite.
4922332 That's how I actually am and how Pen wrote Emily, so I guess it was intentional? Anyway, thank you for the favorite.
4922332
I was mostly having issues staying on track of the story, plus, would you believe that colorful magical ponies were real, or would you think you were on an acid trip?
First dislike!
4923504
An explanation, and reason, besides it being a human story would be nice so we can improve and get better.
4923519 What? oh no its a great story, just wanna be an inspiration to the haters!
4923523
That...is a horrible reason.
4923528 It... is my reason.
4923534
You like the story, yet you are going to dislike it, so that some haters will also dislike the story, and make it look worse then it actually is? Alright then...that's new.
4923541 Cause i'm just nice.
4923554
Yeah...nice is a word to use for that oddness...
4923555 Ya know we're just spamming the comments with this conversation, right?
4923561
I realize this yes.
4923564 So... do we just keep going... or do we stop flooding the chat?
4923567
Im just confused why you would dislike it for the haters if you enjoy the story. Its really odd, it hasn't happened to me before and I want to understand this.
4923570 Oh, whats the fun in making sense?
4923583
I see, your discord.
4923595 Awww, now you're making sense!
4923598
I have been for the whole conversation.
4923613 Yea but you KEEP using sense! STAHP!
4923641
Nue.
4924122 Yers.
wait is he really asking a PONY out on a date?
4934339 What if he is?
4934339 Yes, yes he is, is it really that big a deal?
4948144 the thing is that i think its funny and i just think it wouldn't work ESPECIALLY since it is twilight i mean think bout it remember how she freaked out about pinkie sense? if she thinks of this to get closer studding humans and watching Star Mares, then he will get pretty upset.
4948244 Hmmmmm...
4948540 hay man I found a mastake
it is a Pegasus
Sorry if I sound mean I just wanted to you to know
4922358 I get the whole thing whoever disdent get it your dull minded
Great fic though
4965203 disdent? I just woke up and that makes no sense, sorry if I'm being rude.
4948540 so do you agree?
4980093 I cannot tell you that, silly boy, It would spoil important parts.
maybe?
4986523 what?
Besides some grammar mistakes, telling of feelings instead of showing, and some odd reactions of the characters, I am curious as to where the story will go. Although, I'd say my opinion of the characters behaviors is probably stemmed from my personal prefrences of stories with humans. I usually enjoy the freakouts and time spent to come to terms with the situation then the 'just roll with it' reactions.
4993090 Yeah... we do need to work on the showing instead of the telling...
Thanks for your honesty, and we'll continue working on the newest chapter.
Wow... Gain a power only to loose it temporarily... Jason needs an elevator or stairs...
On the third chapter and I can see why you have so many dislikes. The story and concept isn't bad but it reads like a script, not a book. You need to work on that. Go back over the chapters and add some description, create an ambiance. Right now everything is just so fast pace it is hard to follow.
*Months later*
Un-disliked for unknown reasons!
5102042 thank you Discord, for what fun is there in making sense?
Hey there, Erised here.
I just finished this chapter, and while I'm enjoying this story there's one thing I caught that I simply cannot overlook.
I'm sorry man, but as expansive as Equuis might be, you're talking about Two-hundred million miles! To compare, that's literally more than twice the distance from our earth to the sun! Our own planet is only about 25,000 miles around at it's belt! That is a crazy amount of distance you have right there!
Once again I'm sorry for being so harsh, but I simply couldn't not point this out.
5127379 true... I was using a major hyperbole
Hm... still in the reading process. So far it's a pretty generic HiE, but what caught my interest was Imloch. From the descriptions you've given even up to chapter 3, he's definitely based on the Dungeons and Dragons magic system, which is enough to keep me reading to see what you do with him.
I like where this is heading.
I find that light-hearted teachers are the easiest to learn from, so Emily's parents did well hiring Jason.
6342998 Thanks!
Reads
Me: Don't tempt fate!
6343003 Yep!
Is Imloch like Caliburn from Sonic and the Dark Night?