What If...

dream1990

dream1990 #1 · Mar 21st, 2014 · · · Still Blank Flanks ·

Reply

what about pinkie pie

Captain Burrito

Captain Burrito #2 · Mar 21st, 2014 · · · Still Blank Flanks ·

Reply

4113514 I don't think the author's finished yet.

Yappyjack

Yappyjack #3 · Mar 21st, 2014 · · · Still Blank Flanks ·

Reply

I'm working on Applejack.
And Pinkie will come after her

(S. Alert)

I'm also working on a sequel to a Royal End

dream1990

dream1990 #4 · Mar 21st, 2014 · · · Still Blank Flanks ·

Reply

4113814 ok

Captain Burrito

Captain Burrito #5 · Mar 21st, 2014 · · · Still Blank Flanks ·

Reply

4113814 A word of advice: Don't do a sequel. It's not that I didn't like your story; it was great! But some stories were wrapped up and it's simply a crime to a sequel. For example, did you ever watch Despicable Me? It was a great movie! And then the sequel came out, and it...just didn't fit. Also it had absolutely no plot, but that's beside the point. It just...they wrapped up the story, and it didn't need a sequel. Don't ever write a sequel unless you need to. Or it's essentially fanfiction.

Instead, go write another story!

Comment posted by Yappyjack deleted Mar 21st, 2014

Yappyjack

Yappyjack #9 · Mar 21st, 2014 · · · Still Blank Flanks ·

Reply

>>Princess Autumn Forest
Oki-Doki-Loki Oh and I have seen Despicable Me 1&2, they were both funny, but I can kind of se what you are saying.
I will make it another story

Leafall

Leafall #10 · Mar 21st, 2014 · · · Still Blank Flanks ·

Reply

Ah yes, an AU story where Rainbow Dash never performs the Sonic Rainboom. I see, that there are a lot of these kind of stories. But why wouldn't there be? It's an interesting idea to write/think about. I can't wait to see your original twist to this topic.
But... Let me just say that I will nit-pick a lot from here on. Sorry.

Then there was a knock on her door, "Come in!" Rainbow said, still watching the fan. Firefly opened and walked through the door, "I talked to your dad when I got home, and he said you weren't too happy," Firefly said as she sat on the bed next to her daughter. "Mom, I lost a race to some...jerks!" Rainbow Dash she sitting up and throwing her arms up into the air.

Watch the dialogue. New speaker, new paragraph. (And this awesome rule seems to be disobeyed a lot in your story. )
And look at the two red sentences. See the mistakes? If not, try reading them out loud. Hint: What did she open? So, did Rainbow Dash say anything?
So it should look like this:

Then there was a knock on her door. "Come in!" Rainbow said, still watching the fan.
Firefly opened [the door(?)] and walked through [it(?)]. "I talked to your dad when I got home, and he said you weren't too happy," Firefly said as she sat on the bed next to her daughter.
"Mom, I lost a race to some...jerks!" Rainbow Dash [said(?)] sitting up and throwing her arms up into the air.

Anyway, next up is:

Young Rarity sat there, staring with anger at the large rock witch her horn had just dragged her all the way out to. "Why did my horn bring me all the way out here?!" Rarity said with anger, she was so mad.

Pinkie sighed as she went in to her house. "Why is everything so boring around here?" Pinkie asked herself as she sat in her room. Pinkamina Dian Pie was the youngest pony in her family, and yet, Pinkie Pie, witch is what she is more known as, wanted excitement.

*pulls out dictionary*
witch- a woman who is thought to have magic powers
The word you are looking for is 'which', which over here should be used for saying exactly what thing (or things) you are talking about.
Also, just a side note: it's Pinkamena Diane Pie, not Pinkamina Dian Pie.

"Oh, why couldn't I create something spectacular?" Rarity sighed, she didn't have her cutie mark, and she offend got taunted about it.

offend- (in this case) to hurt somebody's feelings, to upset somebody
The word you are looking for is 'often'.
In conclusion; please check your story again for any mistakes! They aren't too bad, but they are there.
Also, and this is important, the pacing seems a bit too fast, try to put more description and emotion.
I hope this comment could be useful.

Yappyjack

Yappyjack #11 · Mar 22nd, 2014 · · · Still Blank Flanks ·

Reply

Thank-you for helping
I would have never found those mistakes

I'm only a fifth grader, so I don't always get things right

But anyway I got them fixed.

Theleh

Theleh #12 · Mar 26th, 2014 · · · Years Down the Road ·

Reply

If is a big word. If.
If...

Vsauce explains it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QBK3QpQVnaw

Leafall

Leafall #13 · Mar 31st, 2014 · · · Still Blank Flanks ·

Reply

4117700
I'm glad I could help.

Leafall

Leafall #14 · Mar 31st, 2014 · · · Years Down the Road ·

Reply

I suggest you publish the full chapters when you're ready. I know it's tempting to release early, but it's much funner for the reader to dive into the full chapter. It will take more time, but it's worth it.
Anyways, just a short fix at some of the mistakes...

"Wow, when the Wonderbolts return to Cloudsdale, everyone is in a hurry to clean everything!" Rainbow Dash said as she walked along.

"Thanks Mom." Rainbow Dash relied.

Fix:

"Thanks, Mom," Rainbow Dash replied.

Now, it's getting more interesting, but there are some things I don't get.
So, a cutiemark only appears on the pony when it's their destiny. How come Twilight, Rainbow and Fluttershy have their cutiemarks here if they aren't following their destiny?
Or maybe I'm just not understanding this right. Or you have some kind of interesting theory to show us.

There are still some things I would fix, but the comment section wouldn't be too interesting. If you want, I can send you a PM with some of my thoughts on this, and perhaps send you some kind of edits.
I'm not the best at grammar and story stuff, but I could definitely help a little. Self-editing is really hard (I know something about this...), so having another pair of eyes to look at your work could be helpful. Tell me what you think.

MLPFan234