Twilight must gather a team of Special soldiers, and under the supervision of their mysterious commander they must bring down the leader of a terrorist organization, he is known only as "Sombra".
An Equestrian version of the War on Terror in Afghanistan/ Iraq. This is a collection of stories taken from the perspective of a few simple mares who play their part in the ongoing war.
Okay so everything in this in strictly human, no horns, wings, magic, no nothing so don't say I didn't tell you. As a military man myself, I found it quite bizarre I haven't actually written a story involving any military action whatsoever, so here you go. I will be using some of my own personal experiences, as well as my actual job in this story, so take that how you will. Also the're real military terms, acronyms, jargon, etc. As only five character tags are allowed I picked the major characters needed. Other's will show up later in the story so don't you worry. Props to my editor because He doesn't really like military related stories but he suffered through it anyway, Thanks man!
Story is rated teen for minor violence and swearing.
Editor: ShimmeringStallion
Interesting start to it all.
Looking forward to where this goes.
Might I suggest going light on the military codes and guns and such? It'll make things a touch easier for the readers.
~Skeeter The Lurker
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Yeah I will. I forget that not everyone knows this stuff, it comes second nature to me. My bad.
4096380 I'm starting to get the impression you like everything, Skeeter...
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I read everything, but to truly impress me takes a bit of effort.
Most times the standards are modest.
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Understandable, man.
~Skeeter The Lurker
Not bad, could still use some work though.
4098397 I'd kinda prefer something a bit more... descriptive...
Duuuuuude that was fucking awesome!!!
4098397 So could your commentating eloquence, compadre.
Note how your statement gives a response to the story that's fairly negative, swinging around "Meh" on the interest-o-meter, and yet you offer no citations for the author and editor to make use of to go about correcting the mistakes you apparently found.
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Ya done good, son. Will we be expecting more soon?
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simply sharing my opinion my friend, next time I shall comment with the eloquence of the queen herself
4102561 Aye, a right good concurrence, my brother! Keep well at your verbiage, and soon you shall be speaking like a king of bards.
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NEVAAR!!!!
As for the fic, I need to read it. I'm excited, because it's Drake, a military man, writing a war story. However, I just realized that I've been awake for 29 hours now, and I have shit to do.
I can't believe I forgot to give you any feedback on this! Well, this post is going to be brief, because I'm strapped for time.
I am extremely excited to see a military man, or at least a guy who actually knows about weapons and fighting, writing a war story. Those are very hard to come by, and I always look forward to a treat and possibly an educational experience.
For starters, the immersion for this fic is high. It takes a little knowledge of militarese and small arms to get it, but it really benefits from these things, because the story would not be unintelligible to somebody who didn't them them. Do not drop the gun talk or the militarese, The accurate chatter and terminology suck the reader in immediately and lend an air of authenticity most stories about the military lack. I think I'll take notes, just in case if I ever write anything that is about a NATO force or an American-inspired force.
I like the protagonist of your story. Your direct style immediately makes him the star of the show thanks to his sharp commentary and amiable gruffness. He loves his job, but he also does the ample amount of bitching anyone does about their work. He admits that he isn't quite sane because he lives for this sort of thing. That is refreshing and more honest than the scores of protagonists in action stories who have pretentions of being just normal guys, even as they turn killing enemies into a game and joke incessantly, as if they're playing a particularly engrossing video game. Your protagonist actually behaves and thinks like someone with combat experience who doesn't go to the other extreme of generic action story protagonists by being a massive ball of untreated PTSD. His interractions with Lt. Sparkle are enjoyable, As a guy who's been down south in the summer, and is often outdoors in VA while wearing camo and the like, I can indeed concur that the most frequently recurring thought is "It's fucking hot". You did a very good job of explaining why he takes pride in his work and why he is in the military. I identified with the part where he discussed how he fell in love with guns. You were efficient in characterizing your protagonist through a combination of action and monologue which fit in perfectly with the rest of the story and never relied on disruptive exposition tumors.
This chapter was short, and I don't really understand the thing about Sombra or the enemy. However, since you explained it early on as being about Afghanistan, that was enough for me to let that slip, although I would expect a fair bit more in the ensuing chapters. War stories like yours work best when it is explained why there is fighting and it made clear why it matters so much. This one chapter felt like an effective prologue. It leaves me wanting more. Where is chapter 2?
You are being realistic by painting the enemy as being outclassed by your heroes. That was something problematic I noted when I read Eclipse: House of Frostmane's Few by Spectre Crystaleye (This is the best war story I have ever read -- go check it out!), because some parts of that story looked uncomfortably like being the Empire and rampaging all over the rebels on Hoth. However, the fact that you gave the enemy some good assets, put them on a similar technological level (they have guns instead of spears), and made them at least partially capable of defending themselves served to make the enemies look dangerous, thereby reinforcing the martial prowess of your protagonist.
I am very pleased that you wrote this. Your output so far has been entirely clopfics,so it is very refreshing to see something so different come from you. One of the ways a writer grows is by branching out into different genres and types of stories. The interesting thing is that clop and war fics are not quite so different to write. The point is to not make the sex or the violence the focus of the story, but rather to make them plot and character points. In my personal experience in writing both, writing about war is a lot like writing about sex. The difference is in what the parties do when they encounter each other.
I like this story and I really want to see more. Please! I'm adding this to relevant groups I am in to draw in readers.
I was interested, until I saw that it was based on the War on Terror, now I am afraid of even going near it.
Very good. You have peeked my interest.
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LOOK AT IT! A war fic written by an actual fighter is a rare treat.
4502858 But I am agianst the War on Terror.
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Read it anyway. It is a good story.
CD, forgive me for this.
I write war fics which are NOT about the War on Terror...
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Ok, I don't know how I never saw this comment of yours and I feel like a complete ass. Lol first of all the main protagonist is Octavia, not a man. Thought I had cleared that up but maybe I should double check.
I used my direct experience from my deployment to Afghanistan to write this chapter. I really can't stand that country. Anyway, all military terminology is real, and I've always loved the concept of a sniper. So when I saw the Photo at the end of the chapter I knew I had to write something for it. In my opinion I'm not very good at this kind of thing and need a ton of work, but as with everything I will try to improve.
Anyways, I do have the next chapter actually done but due to any real lack of attention to this I put it on Hiatus for my other projects. The next chapter, whenever I can get to posting it, will be from my exact Job in the military as well as an actual experience I had and was placed under while deployed.
Thanks for actually reading this, you were one of... 110 sooooo thanks.
This is amazing. Im actually writing a story slightly based on Band of Brothers, after a hiatus that lasted at least five months