The Worst Villain Ever!

by Battlecrank

9-2: I never asked for this...

Chapter 9-2: I never asked for this...
Or
Nopony expects the Lunar inquisition!

---

‘This is Tartarus. It has to be. I must have died sometime during the night, and this is my punishment for some sin that I made against the Queen.’

This is what Worker 122 kept telling himself as he sweated bullets through his disguise as a royal guard. Sure, the day had started off just fine, but had taken a noticeable turn for the worst when someling, or rather, someone from his past had come back to haunt him. The fact that he was wearing a rainbow colored afro wig, and had a cardboard cutout face mask with a picture of Princess Celestia on it did nothing to change the fact that Xenolance, the dreaded villain in white, was sitting not ten hooves away from him.

’Okay, I can do this. Eyes front, back straight; hold that pose… See? This isn’t so hard!’ A quick glance was all he had allowed himself before returning to the act of pretending to be a living statue. ’Just ignore the insane hairless monkey, or the xenophobic guards! I’m sure nothing will go wrong, as long as I just hold this pose and pretend nothing is wrong!’

It had been like this for two hours--TWO HOURS--and so far, the only thing Xeno had done was ask for some bills for a stage rental to be forgiven, assign blueblood to lead the team trying to catch him, and otherwise act like he owned the place. 122 was sure that Xenolance would have been attacked by the guards by now, but everyone seemed to think he was Celestia! It was as if just putting on a flimsy piece of cardboard with a somewhat accurate picture of the person you wanted to be disguised as was all you needed if you wanted to impersonate the leader of the free world!

122 was understandably terrified of the implications of that thought.

Suddenly, the doors burst open. ’This is it,’ he thought to himself. ’This is where they realize their mistake, and capture him, before noticing that my disguise is half a shade too dark to be a guard! We’ll both be stuck in the same cell, and then--’

“News from northern Equestria!--Uh... your Highness.”

The guard who had slammed open the door ran to the foot of the dias and bowed. Xeno, who had been going over paperwork with Celestia’s Aid--Raven, if the mission brief was correct--simply passed the mass of processed tree pulp to her, and faced the guard that should have been arresting him.

“Yes?”

The guard took off his helmet and looked uncomfortable.

“I am simply to tell you that, IT has returned…”

Xeno continued to stare at the guard for a moment, before looking to Raven.

“Please send a chariot to retrieve Twilight. She should be able to deal with IT.” Raven nodded and turned to go, but Xeno stopped her. “Oh, and tell her... Tell her that it’s a test.”

Raven looked strangely at Xeno, before nodding slowly and walking off. The guard continued to sit there awkwardly for a moment more, before assuming that he was no longer needed. He put his helmet on, and made his way to the doors, closing them behind him as he left.

122 couldn’t believe it. Even after all that, they STILL couldn’t see him for what he was! Oh, and Xeno didn’t get arrested. That was also a thing.

Still, it would be lunch soon. He should be able to get away then, and forget that this had ever happened.

’As long as the real Celestia or that insane purple unicorn doesn’t show up, I may just live to report back to the Queen!’

As soon as the thought passed through his head, the doors to the throne room were violently thrown open, banging against the walls with such brutality that the hinges broke with a screech of metal. The doors slammed to the ground just as the Solar Matriarch ran into the room, and skid to a stop upon seeing a surprised human on the throne.

’Me and my big mouth…’

“Imposter!”

As both the real and fake princesses moved at once, their cry seemed to be the key to get the world moving again. The Nobles were broken from their gawking, and decided that they suddenly had pressing engagements that didn’t involve whatever new chaos Discord had cooked up on his presumed third release from imprisonment. The guards made half hearted attempts at protecting both Princesses--not from each other, but the sudden rush of ponies making for the doors--and the occasional courtroom reporter found themselves protesting as they were sucked out with the ‘noble’ mob.

“How dare you impersonate me!” Xeno shouted at Celestia over the noise generated by the exiting crowd.

“Me impersonate you? You’re impersonating ME” She called back as the last of the nobles managed to force their way out of the room.

Worker 122 and the hoofful of guards remaining in the room watched as Xeno and Celestia verbally sparred. With each insult, their barbs became more heated. With each gesture, they seemed to become more incensed. If both had been commanding armies rather than using words, the story of the battle would have been whispered to the young as a cautionary tale of woe.

’This is my chance’ Worker 122 thought to himself. ’Now I can get away while their both distr--’

“Sir,” the guard next to 122 said, nudging him with a hoof. “What should we do?”

The changeling stared at the guard for a moment, before saying, “Shouldn’t you ask your superior that question?”

The guard looked at him strangely, before gesturing to the rest of the gathered ponies in armor.

“If you haven’t noticed, Sir, all of our commanders left to deal with the crowd. You’re the only officer left.”

122 blinked, staring at the guard as though he had suddenly grown a wing out of his head. The guard simply sighed at his lack of action, and gestured to the ongoing verbal war.

“Just figure out which one is which. We’ll follow your lead, Sir.”

The changeling in disguise stared at the guard for a moment more with barely suppressed horror, before returning his gaze to the villain and the celestial mare. A particularly insulting phrase from Xeno caused the guards present to fold their ears back, but Celestia retaliated in kind, only aiding in belittling her own image.

‘Think, nymph, think!’ Worker 122 looked back and forth between the two arguing forces of nature, and tried to come up with a plan. ’If I leave now while both Xeno and Celestia are distracted, I’ll have a squad of guards following me! I need to distract the guards, which means helping them sort out this mess.’

The changeling sighed.

’And I can’t just say that the one being more hurtful to their queen is the imposter, because Celestia is doing it too. It’s almost like she can’t see through the monkey’s disguise either...Wait…’

122 looked back at the guards.

’If neither side can tell the difference, then...But then they would... Oh yes!’ The changeling smiled an evil sort of smile. ’I can use this! I can still get out of here scott free!’

’And all I have to do is--’ 122’s expression fell as he looked back at the ongoing battle with a sigh. ’All I have to do is help the stupid monkey.’

“Let's get this over with,” 122 mumbled under his breath, before turning to give orders to the guards that had wrongly placed themselves at his command. “Alright, follow my lead.”

---

---

122 laughed the laugh of someling who had just unexpectedly met death in a dark alleyway, and promptly kicked the specter in a rather sensitive place when informed that his time had come.

And then made off with his wallet and scythe.

The wind whipped past him as he ran down main street. Behind him, a large explosion enveloped one of the castle’s towers in a golden conflagration, causing it to collapse with a thunderous roar. Guards were swarming the Equestrian center of government, and nopony had noticed the lone changeling running away from the scene of the ‘natural disaster of celestial origin.’

’I can’t believe that worked!’

His mad laughter continued on, as he reminisced on his victory.

’A simple game of 20 questions! I helped overthrow the country with a simple game of 20 questions!’

122 panted, his hooves beating a staccato rhythm against the cobblestones. The wind whistled through the holes in his undisguised body as he made his way to the train station, not caring if anypony saw. If he kept up this pace, he should be able to make the four o’clock express to Dodge City, and from there it’s just a short flight to the badlands and out of Equestria. Foolproof!

’In fact,’ the equinoid shapeshifter thought to himself, ’Unless one of the Princesses randomly drops out of the sky, I don’t think anything could possibly stop me now!’

And thus, as dictated by Murphy’s law, the changeling had only a few seconds before Princess Luna descended from the heavens on an ebony chariot, wreathed in dark blue spider silk and linens that left a black fog with its passing. Once landed, the vessel bounced from the combined weight of the passengers aboard, depressing the steel springs impregnated throughout the center of the construct only for them to release and throw the frame into the air with them.

122 had but a moment’s warning in the form of the screaming lunar diarch, before her bed slammed into him on its fiery exodus from the castle at the behest of its renegade villain hijacker. He could have used that moment for anything--cursing the name of his queen; vowing his undying vengeance against the villain who continued to torment his existence; have his life flash before his eyes would probably be the classical choice for one in his situation.

122, was somewhat of a purist, however, and so took the choice that is almost universally picked by all in his position before being rammed by a runaway futon.

“Ah, ponyfeath--”

Fortunately, he lost consciousness upon impact, saving him further humiliation at the hands of the villain in white.

---

“Comon, girls! We’re going to be late!”

“Yeah, yeah.” A polychromatic mare waved a hoof in a pink mare’s direction. “We get it already.”

“But we’re going to miss the party!”

The train car was silent for a moment, before a fashionable mare spoke up.

“Darling, aren’t you throwing the party?”

“Not That one!” A pink hoof was pointed out a window towards the city of Canterlot. In the distance, a brief flash of light could be seen, and a tower on the palace started collapsing.

“Wait, what?” A purple, booksmart mare looked out the window of the car and gasped. “Xeno! I bet he’s behind this whole thing!”

“Now don’t be silly, Twi” a southern twang rang out. “I betcha it’s just another changeling invasion or somethin’.”

“That makes it even worse!” The mare’s perfectly straight hair started to become disorderly. “I’m going to go have the train’s engineer speed us up! We can’t let him get away!”