• Published 16th Mar 2014
  • 3,845 Views, 99 Comments

The Worst Villain Ever! - Battlecrank



Xenolance faces off against the Mane six.

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It all started when...

Author's Note:

Just a heads up:
This was originally intended as a one shot, so some of these earlier chapters may be a bit... Rough.
If you spot any errors, feel free to point them out with malicious glee.
...Or any other type of glee, for that matter.

Twilight and her friends leveled their glares upon Xenolance, having finally cornered the human near the clock tower. Xeno's cape fluttered behind him in a non-existent wind, striking a defiant pose against the six heroines as his laughter echoed off of the air itself. Next to him was a control panel which had a cable extending off to a ring surrounding the imposing tower, upon which forbidden energies flowed. The sky was rapidly darkening with storm clouds, as though in response to the very nature of the conflict of forces both good and evil.

Or maybe it was just that one mare with bubbles on her flank, incorrectly placing a batch of clouds slated for the agricultural areas surrounding the town.

...

Nah, probably the conflict thing. That’s more likely, right?

Anyway...

Xenolance's laughter stopped, and leveled his gaze upon the six.

“It's too late! Nothing can stop me now!”

Twilight, however, remained confidant. “There's no way you can win! Give up now, and-”

“Wait, wait,” Xeno suddenly interrupted. “Isn't there supposed to be six of you?”

“W-what?” Twilight, her dramatic monologue prepared for just this event suitably interrupted, suddenly found herself playing catch-up. She looked at her friends for a moment, before looking back at Xeno. “No, we're all here.”

“Are you sure? I only count five of you.”

“What? Oh. OH! Sorry, Fluttershy is behind Pinkie. You might not be able to see her properly from where your standing.”

Xeno left his position to walk up next to the pink mare, circling her for a bit before returning his gaze to Twilight.

“Are you sure? I don't see her.”

“She's just-, look, she's right there next to Pinkie. How can you not see her?”

Xeno stopped circling and looked at Pinkie (who smiled at him, by the way). After a moment of hesitation, he lifted the pink mare off the ground, causing the yellow one underneath her to squeak and rush to a new hiding spot behind Applejack.

“Oh, there she is.”

“I told you we were all here,” Twilight said with a smile, before quickly shaking her head and resuming her glare at Xeno. “Now, as I was saying, give up now and-!”

“Wait a second, how does this even stay on here?”

Pinkie, still in Xeno's grasp, looked down at where he was indicating at her saddlebags.

“Whaddya mean?”

“Just look! I'm holding you near vertically, but your bags aren't falling off. How do they stay attached?”

“You know,” Rarity spoke up, “now that you mention it, that is a bit odd.”

Pinkie's friends and the criminal mastermind found themselves staring at Pinkie's stomach for a moment, before the mare in question giggled.

“I wouldn't worry about it too much. The animators probably just got lazy.”

Xeno stared at her a moment more before stating, “Wha?”

“Just go with it, dear.” Rarity walked up next to Xeno, and patted his leg with her hoof. “It's just Pinkie being Pinkie.”

“But that doesn't explain how- WHAT IS THAT?!”

Rarity looked back at Xeno, to find him pointing at her hat.

“Oh, this? It's the latest fashion in Las Pegasus.”

“Why does it look like someone gutted a cat and glued a rat to it?”

Rarity's jaw dropped, and was about to comment before Xeno dropped Pinkie and continued.

“I mean, just look at it!” Xeno grabbed the hat off of Rarity's head. “It's hideous!”

“Well!” Rarity grabbed her hat back with magic before replacing it upon her head. “YOU obviously have NO eye for fashion!”

“I have no eye? Lady, even Rainmolt Bash-”

“Rainbow Dash!” Dash yelled.

“Whatever. Even SHE would say this thing looks hideous, and she's sporting gay pride like it's going out of style!”

“He's righ-wait, what?!”

“He does have a point, Rare,” Applejack said, interrupting Dash's retort with a tip of her hat in Rarity's direction. “Even Ah think that thing would look more at home on some critter's supper table then your head.”

“Girls!” Twilight yelled, hoping to get things back to the natural order of things. “Can we stop arguing over Rarity's hat, and go back to capturing Xenolance?”

“What?” Xeno asked, before turning to look at Twilight. “You weren't going to capture me! I was going to continue detracting you with inane and random subject changes so the Void Render™ can finish charging.”

All at once, the arguing stopped as the six heroines stared at Xeno. The silence was soon broken by Twilight, however, who asked the obvious question on all of their minds.

“You WHAT?!”

Xeno had the decency to look embarrassed for a second at having given away his cunning plan before he brought up another heretofore unknown fact, rubbing the back of his head with a hand in a sheepish manner.

“Did I mention I set it to automatically fire?”

The mane six continued to stare.

“See, I knew that I would never be able to defeat you in a head on fight. That's just suicide! Instead, I decided that distracting you would be the best option, so I set the Void Render™ to fire once it's done charging. Given the hum, that should be right about...”

On cue, the Void Render™ fired a blast of dark energy up into the clouds overhead, causing the ground to shake slightly and the air to smell of ozone. As the energy hit the clouds, they changed color to a sea green, and rapidly swelled in size.

“Now!” Xeno looked at the six heroines with a smile on his face. “Told you it was too late.”

Twilight quickly picked Xeno up with her magic flipping him upside down in the process, and glared at him.

“What did you DO?!”

“Oh, nothing much. I just use the Void Render™ to make all the clouds rain lemon and gumdrops.”

The dumbfounded stares of the mane six were his only response, before Twilight once again used her 'group leader' privileges to ask the obvious question.

“Why?!”

Xeno shrugged, before saying, “why not?”

Just as Twilight was about to reply just as to 'why not', three feet worth of candy rained down upon the heads of any one present, and coating nearby Ponyville with three feet worth of delicious goodness, causing much distress in the stock market in Manehatten as sugar futures dropped like a rock. Soon, the only dessert and snack foods that would sell at all were those made with salt, further causing economic distress.

For those that lived anywhere under a raincloud however, sugary sweets were in ample supply, whether they were wanted or not!



“And Pinkie lived happy ever after! The end!”

The cake twins stared up at Pinkie with cynical expressions at the conclusion of her impromptu bedtime story. After a moment of silence, notably lacking the sounds of sleeping foals, Pinkie looked down at them, a look of worry soon crossed her face.

“Whoa, tough crowd...”