Xenolance, a devious villain, had been cornered by the Mane six, and soon his villainous ways will be brought to an end!
... If the six heroines can stay on topic, that is.
Just a quick one-shot. Had this idea for a day or two, and couldn't keep a serious face for the life of me.
Due to vague death threats popular demand, additional shorts in this series will be added. The story will remain 'Complete', as the additional shorts will be mostly self contained.
Twilight and her friends leveled their glares upon Xenolance, having finally cornered the human near the clock tower. Xeno's cape fluttered behind him in a non-existent wind, striking a defiant pose against the six heroines as his laughter echoed off of the air itself. Next to him was a control panel which had a cable extending off to a ring surrounding the imposing tower, upon which forbidden energies flowed. The sky was rapidly darkening with storm clouds, as though in response to the very nature of the conflict of forces both good and evil.
Or maybe it was just that one mare with bubbles on her flank, incorrectly placing a batch of clouds slated for the agricultural areas surrounding the town.
...
Nah, probably the conflict thing. That’s more likely, right?
Anyway...
Xenolance's laughter stopped, and leveled his gaze upon the six.
“It's too late! Nothing can stop me now!”
Twilight, however, remained confidant. “There's no way you can win! Give up now, and-”
“Wait, wait,” Xeno suddenly interrupted. “Isn't there supposed to be six of you?”
“W-what?” Twilight, her dramatic monologue prepared for just this event suitably interrupted, suddenly found herself playing catch-up. She looked at her friends for a moment, before looking back at Xeno. “No, we're all here.”
“Are you sure? I only count five of you.”
“What? Oh. OH! Sorry, Fluttershy is behind Pinkie. You might not be able to see her properly from where your standing.”
Xeno left his position to walk up next to the pink mare, circling her for a bit before returning his gaze to Twilight.
“Are you sure? I don't see her.”
“She's just-, look, she's right there next to Pinkie. How can you not see her?”
Xeno stopped circling and looked at Pinkie (who smiled at him, by the way). After a moment of hesitation, he lifted the pink mare off the ground, causing the yellow one underneath her to squeak and rush to a new hiding spot behind Applejack.
“Oh, there she is.”
“I told you we were all here,” Twilight said with a smile, before quickly shaking her head and resuming her glare at Xeno. “Now, as I was saying, give up now and-!”
“Wait a second, how does this even stay on here?”
Pinkie, still in Xeno's grasp, looked down at where he was indicating at her saddlebags.
“Whaddya mean?”
“Just look! I'm holding you near vertically, but your bags aren't falling off. How do they stay attached?”
“You know,” Rarity spoke up, “now that you mention it, that is a bit odd.”
Pinkie's friends and the criminal mastermind found themselves staring at Pinkie's stomach for a moment, before the mare in question giggled.
“I wouldn't worry about it too much. The animators probably just got lazy.”
Xeno stared at her a moment more before stating, “Wha?”
“Just go with it, dear.” Rarity walked up next to Xeno, and patted his leg with her hoof. “It's just Pinkie being Pinkie.”
“But that doesn't explain how- WHAT IS THAT?!”
Rarity looked back at Xeno, to find him pointing at her hat.
“Oh, this? It's the latest fashion in Las Pegasus.”
“Why does it look like someone gutted a cat and glued a rat to it?”
Rarity's jaw dropped, and was about to comment before Xeno dropped Pinkie and continued.
“I mean, just look at it!” Xeno grabbed the hat off of Rarity's head. “It's hideous!”
“Well!” Rarity grabbed her hat back with magic before replacing it upon her head. “YOU obviously have NO eye for fashion!”
“I have no eye? Lady, even Rainmolt Bash-”
“Rainbow Dash!” Dash yelled.
“Whatever. Even SHE would say this thing looks hideous, and she's sporting gay pride like it's going out of style!”
“He's righ-wait, what?!”
“He does have a point, Rare,” Applejack said, interrupting Dash's retort with a tip of her hat in Rarity's direction. “Even Ah think that thing would look more at home on some critter's supper table then your head.”
“Girls!” Twilight yelled, hoping to get things back to the natural order of things. “Can we stop arguing over Rarity's hat, and go back to capturing Xenolance?”
“What?” Xeno asked, before turning to look at Twilight. “You weren't going to capture me! I was going to continue detracting you with inane and random subject changes so the Void Render™ can finish charging.”
All at once, the arguing stopped as the six heroines stared at Xeno. The silence was soon broken by Twilight, however, who asked the obvious question on all of their minds.
“You WHAT?!”
Xeno had the decency to look embarrassed for a second at having given away his cunning plan before he brought up another heretofore unknown fact, rubbing the back of his head with a hand in a sheepish manner.
“Did I mention I set it to automatically fire?”
The mane six continued to stare.
“See, I knew that I would never be able to defeat you in a head on fight. That's just suicide! Instead, I decided that distracting you would be the best option, so I set the Void Render™ to fire once it's done charging. Given the hum, that should be right about...”
On cue, the Void Render™ fired a blast of dark energy up into the clouds overhead, causing the ground to shake slightly and the air to smell of ozone. As the energy hit the clouds, they changed color to a sea green, and rapidly swelled in size.
“Now!” Xeno looked at the six heroines with a smile on his face. “Told you it was too late.”
Twilight quickly picked Xeno up with her magic flipping him upside down in the process, and glared at him.
“What did you DO?!”
“Oh, nothing much. I just use the Void Render™ to make all the clouds rain lemon and gumdrops.”
The dumbfounded stares of the mane six were his only response, before Twilight once again used her 'group leader' privileges to ask the obvious question.
“Why?!”
Xeno shrugged, before saying, “why not?”
Just as Twilight was about to reply just as to 'why not', three feet worth of candy rained down upon the heads of any one present, and coating nearby Ponyville with three feet worth of delicious goodness, causing much distress in the stock market in Manehatten as sugar futures dropped like a rock. Soon, the only dessert and snack foods that would sell at all were those made with salt, further causing economic distress.
For those that lived anywhere under a raincloud however, sugary sweets were in ample supply, whether they were wanted or not!
“And Pinkie lived happy ever after! The end!”
The cake twins stared up at Pinkie with cynical expressions at the conclusion of her impromptu bedtime story. After a moment of silence, notably lacking the sounds of sleeping foals, Pinkie looked down at them, a look of worry soon crossed her face.
Xenolance stared at what used to be his food stockpile, and reclined on the pile of gold bits he had placed nearby. The plural pony princesses had fixed the spell he had placed upon the clouds a few days ago, and the stockpile of food he had set up had run out shortly after that. On a nearby wall hung a clock, showing the time to be just before breakfast.
Xeno continued to stare at the empty food stockpile for a few more moments, before looking around his lair for a method of solving the food shortage. After but a few moments, his eyes found themselves resting on his desk, with a pile of blank paper, a quill and inkwell, and some sealing wax set upon it. Moments after that, a smile formed on his face.
“Perfect.”
Twilight was reading a book on her couch when she heard a knock at the door. Spike, having stayed over at Rarity's house, was unavailable to answer the door, forcing her to do it herself. With a grunt, she pulled herself up off the couch while placing a bookmark in the book with her magic.
Opening the door, she found herself confronted by a royal guard, silently holding a scroll out to her with a forehoof. Taking the scroll with her magic, she turned back around, and closed the door behind her. She didn't even notice as a hand shot out of the nearby bush and picked up the guard, who was promptly folded and placed under the arm of one diabolical villain, who walked away whistling a jaunty tune.
All of her attention was focused on the very official looking letter from the royal guard, and the words placed upon it.
Dear Twilight Sparkle,
We regret to inform you that your brother, Shining Armor, has been mortally wounded in a training exercise. Sadly, it is believed he will not live if he does not receive a massive dose of harmony magic within the next four hours. The only thing that could produce the amount required, however, is a direct blast from the elements of harmony, which are currently locked up in Celestia's personal vault, who coincidentally did NOT lock it with the code 35-27-14.
We extend our humblest condolences, and ask that you do not, under any circumstances, gather up your friends and make your way to Canterlot. After all, it's not as though you're the bearers of the elements, and can just use them on him to save his life.
Our condolences, The Royal Guard.
It took her only a moment before she was running off in the direction of Sugarcube corner, to gather her friends.
At the train station in Canterlot, Spike struggled under Rarity's luggage.
“Rarity, did you pack more than you usually do?”
“No, why?”
“It's just, this trunk is really heavy! What did you put in here, lead bricks?”
“No, just my industrial strength hair dryer.”
“Oh. OK then.”
“Twi, I have no idea where you got it into your head I was dying...”
Twilight was walking with Shining, who was looking at her with a bemused smile. Twilight herself had a frown on her face, and had the element of magic on her head. After a short distance, they reached Shining's office as captain of the guard.
“I'm telling you, it was sent by the royal guard! It was hoof delivered and everything!”
“Well, somepony was obviously playing a trick on you,” Shining said. Glancing at the element, however, he continued. “What bugs me is how the letter had the right code to get into the element's safe.”
“Well, what are you going to do?”
“Launch an investigation, obviously! If somepony knows the code to the safe, then there must be a serious security breach somewhere. In the mean time, I'd suggest returning back to Ponyville with your friends, and giving the elements to Princess Celestia for safe keeping.”
"Although," Shining said with a sly look. "Now that you're here, you could stay a while and visit with our parents until I'm off duty..."
Twilight gave Shining a hug, before she looked back at him with a smile.
“Thanks, BBBFF. I think I'll do that. Though, Spike will probably want to go back with the others. He's been working on some secret project for Rarity, and I think he's almost done with it.”
“Well, wish him luck for me. Later, Sis.”
Twilight walked back down the hall as Shining opened the door to his office.
“Huh... I thought I locked this...”
With a shrug, he continued inside and sat down at his desk. Upon it were several scrolls detailing troop redeployments, all of which he gave a passing glance to before signing his name next to Luna's, indicating his approval. With this paperwork out of the way, he quickly set about gathering the forms required to launch an investigation into the breach of security that Twilight had stumbled upon.
Unknown to Shining, however, a shadowy figure had silently cracked open his door. Watching his every movement, the figure smiled as shining signed off on the troop redeployment request. Before retreating into the shadows once more, the figure let one word slip past their lips.
“Perfect.”
Celestia was just finishing up with her lunch, and was preparing to dig into what was to her a rare treat. Placed upon a gleaming plate, designed by the finest artisans and inlaid with gems and precious metals, was a slice of rainbow-cloud Faust-food cake. To her eyes, this was the epitome of what any desert should be.
So distracted was she, that she failed to notice a shadowy figure above her, looking through an opened skylight. The figure ensured that no guards were nearby, and upon finding none, made their move. With speed that most would say was impossible of somepony of that size, the figure jumped, darting down to land on the table below.
Celestia had only a moment to respond before the plate with the cake was collected, and the figure flew back up to the skylight. Celestia looked towards where the assailant had gone with an expression of shock, which slowly morphed into one of anger. With a great bellow of the Royal Canterlot Voice™, Celestia expressed her anger towards her aggressor the only way she could.
“LUNA!”
From above, a voice snickered and responded, though muffled by a mouthful of cake.
“Faust doth giveth, and Faust doth taketh away, dear sister!”
Twilight had just entered her library, and was shocked at what she found.
The place was trashed.
Every single book was pulled off the shelves. Smoke was pouring out of the kitchen. Spike was held up to the ceiling by some sort of shiny silver ribbon, and was looking down at her with pleading eyes. Pouring down from up the stairs was a flood of water, and the basement door, which had been ripped off it's hinges, appeared to contain some form of portal to Tartarus, if the demonic eyes were any indication.
And standing in the middle of it all, was a Royal guard holding a scroll.
Or rather, a cardboard cutout of a Royal guard.
Taking the scroll from the cutout, she unrolled it, and read what was written.
Dear Ms. Sparklebutt McFloppyhorn,
Thank you for your food donation to the 'Feed a Villain' foundation. Your contribution is appreciated.
Sincerely Yours, Xenolance Founder
P.S.: Your toilet is clogged.
Twilight was quick to mirror the actions of her mentor, but with a different target.
“XENOLANCE!”
Unknown to her, the other five element bearers had conducted similar performances across Ponyville just hours prior, having been presented with similar circumstances.
(Well, except Pinkie. She thought it was kinda funny. 'Sides, she's not really one for drama. The cakes, however, were less than pleased.)
“And that's why you can't have a midnight snack tonight.”
The cake twins looked up at Pinkie, expressions of disbelief evident on their cynical faces.
Xeno sat in his desk, hunched over a mortar and pestle. He was close to perfecting the ultimate in defensive alchemy. Soon, no one would be able to oppose him! Soon, he would be able to do whatever his heart desired, be it conquering all of Equuis, or just stopping off down at Sweet Apple Acres to steal some of their prized cider, ensuring that they unexpectedly run out earlier then expected.
Soon, he would be invincible!
He would call it... Pocket sand!
His attention was relocated, however, when he heard a sound at the entrance to his lair. Looking in that direction, he saw three shadows make their way inside. Following their progress as they tried to be sneaky, his curiosity eventually got the better of him.
“Do you need something?”
The shadows all froze, desperately hoping that he wasn't speaking to them. For a few moments, it was as if the world stood still in the presence of the possibly alien villain. However, when it became evident that he was, in fact, speaking to the shadows, and not that weird ball painted with a smiley face sitting in the corner, the figures casting them stepped out into the light.
The three figures soon stood next to Xeno's desk, maniac smiles splayed across their faces. Each of their eyes were cold, having seen hundreds crushed without remorse by their actions alone. Their figures radiated energy, strong enough to rival that of a sun, and they obviously had the experience to know how to use it.
A sudden sense of foreboding overcame Xeno as the three figures suddenly took deep breaths.
For Xeno, the world would never be the same.
Pinkie finished her end-of-the-day chores, grabbed some snacks, and headed down into the basement of the Sugarcube Corner. As she descended the stairs, she flicked the light switch on with her tail. Once she had reached the bottom, she looked at the equipment scattered around the room, and the table in the center of it with a figure lying on top. Taking a deep breath and putting on a smile that most would call crazy, she asked the ultimate question.
“Do you want to help me make Cupcakes, Xeny?”
Xenolance looked up from his position prone on the table, an eyebrow raised in confusion.
“Umm... No...,” Xeno said.
Pinkie shrugged, assuming he'd help later. In the mean time, there were more pressing issues at hoof.
“Why did you want to stay here again?”
Xeno cringed, before sitting up on the table with a sigh.“My lair was destroyed. I didn't really have much of a choice, it was either stay here or at ButterEye's-”
“Fluttershy.”
“Whatever. It was either here or there, and those animals really don't like me. Hopefully, this will only be a temporary setback until I get back on my feet.” Xeno sighed again, before scowling at Pinkie. “You had better hold up your end of the deal! I paid good money to hide out here.”
“Don't worry, Xeny! I already Pinkie promised I wouldn't tell anypony that wants to arrest you that your hiding down here.”
Xeno simply grunted in response, lying back down on the table. Pinkie, in an attempt to keep the conversation going, asked the first thing that came to mind.
“How did your lair get destroyed?”
“CUTIE-MARK CRUSADER EVIL-DOERS! YAY!”
“I don't want to talk about it,” Xeno said with a shudder.
“Oh...”
The silence came back in force, causing Pinkie's smile to loose it's strength. In another bid to keep it at bay, she asked another question.
“So... What are you going to do tonight, Xeny?”
A dry chuckle came from the villain on the table. Xeno rolled off the table and onto his feet, walking over to the backpack he had brought with him lying against the wall. As he dug through it, he responded.
“The same thing I do every night, Pinkie...”
Pinkie quirked an eyebrow as Xeno pulled something out of the backpack. He soon presented a large multicolored box with forbidden arcane symbols adorned it's surface. What wasn't covered in symbols depicted a massive battle of unending death, destruction, and eternal agony.
“TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!”
Pinkie looked at the box, and a smile quickly reappeared on her face.
“I love board games! Can I play?!”
“Do you know how?”
“Pu-lease! It's just Risk! Who doesn't know how to play that?”
“And that's why you can't go into the basement!”
The cake twins stared at Pinkie curiously. For some reason, she was wearing a bicorne and had a cape. Both were battle-worn, showing signs of heavy use, while being chard around the edges. Adding to their confusion, various amounts of strange colored fluid coated her fur, along with scorch marks and a fine coating of dirt.
Xeno stood up from his crouched position, and looked down at his work. The hole at his feet leading to his soon to be new and improved lair was quickly covered with a nearby rug that had recently been 'donated' to his cause, ensuring that whatever work he had completed would remain undiscovered. For added security, the rug was soon joined by the table that used to occupy the center of the room.
Satisfied with his work Xeno walked up the stairs from the basement. As he reached the top of the stairs, he saw the door to the basement was open a crack, allowing moonlight from one of the windows in the kitchen to illuminate the stairway he had just ascended. Beyond the door, the silence of the Sugarcube Corner was oppressive, almost shockingly so. Due to the conditions that he had previously lived in, however, Xeno was unconcerned as he pushed open the door and entered the kitchen.
Or at least he was, until something fell over his head.
As the object settled on his cranium, a loud CLANG rang out into the kitchen, killing the silence like a hunter would its prey. Xeno himself was so startled by the sudden unexpected event, that he froze up, unsure if he should retaliate and defend himself or try and escape using what stealth he had left. After a few moments of his hesitation, a new noise reached his ears, one that he was not in any way expecting.
“Oh, ha ha, Pinkie,” Xeno deadpanned as he pulled the bucket from his head, causing an avalanche of feathers and streamers to fall to the floor. “Very funny.”
The pink mare's laughter grew exponentially at his snark, causing Xeno to fear that she would wake up the bakery's other residents. Thankfully, however, it seemed as though the Cakes were used to strange noises late at night, and either had decided not to come investigate, or hadn't woken up in the first place. As for Xeno himself, he was forced to sit through her laughter until she calmed down, as not even his murderous glare or vague death threats on her favorite pet was enough to calm the mare down.
“Oh, Xeny,” The pink mare finally said as her giggles finally started to cease. “You have NO idea how long I've wanted to do that!”
“Let me guess. For as long as you've known me?”
“Not that long! That would mean that I knew you when you got here, which would be weird because, come on, how could I possibly know you if you just got somewhere new if you haven't been there before, unless you were in Ponyville before and I've known you since you were here before, but I just didn't remember that I knew you, meaning that I didn't know that I knew you, but knew you well enough to plan pranks for you if you ever came back-”
“Pinkie.”
“-a little pen thing that flashed like a camera causing people to forget and-”
“Pinkie.”
“-strange guy wearing black leather with things stuck in his head wanting to know about wormhole technology, so he-”
“Pinkie!”
“-strange blue box with a blinking light on the top swooped in and-”
“Pinkie, listen!”
“-and Discord says, 'Welcome to the afterlife, Jean-luc. You're dead.' but you're just like-”
“Pinkie!”
Pinkie pressed her hooves to her ears, flinching back from Xeno's raised voice. “Sheesh, Xeny. You don't have to yell. You're going to wake the Cakes up!”
“Pinkie, its not nice to prank people, especially when they can get you back just as good.”
“What's that suppose to mean?”
Xeno responded by throwing a pie that had been left out on a nearby counter into Pinkie's face. After a few moments, Pinkie cleaned herself off, humming in delight at the flavor of banana cream pie with a smile on her muzzle. The smile didn't last long, however, and was soon replaced by a vicious grin.
“Oh Xeny, I hope you know...”
Pinkie collected a hoofful of the pie that had hit the ground, before throwing it at Xeno with a yell.
“THIS MEANS WAR!”
Pinkie felt the sun on her face as she woke up the next morning. It had taken Xeno and her the better part of the night to clean up the mess in the kitchen. She considered herself quite fortunate that they had stuck to pies, and not used some of her more unconventional pastries.
Almost in a trance like state, she sat up on the bed, and took a moment to stretch. While enjoyable, other needs soon made themselves apparent, and she started to go about her morning ritual.
“Now,” she muttered to herself as she finished making her bed, “I wonder how I should prank Xeny first.”
Her task completed, she prepared to leave her room, only to have her tail twitch. She looked back at it a moment, before glancing at her bedroom door. Seeing it slightly ajar, she crept forward on the tips of her hooves, looking up at the top of the door. Seeing the glint of metal, she stepped back a bit, and pushed the door open. The metal bucket that had been precariously perched atop the portal fell to the ground, allowing its contents to paint the floor.
“Paint?” Pinkie looked incredulously at the gray paint now coating the floor. “Really?”
Stepping over the now drying paint, she continued her trek to the bathroom while ranting to herself.
“Xeny must be REALLY bad at this if all he was able to come up with was this.”
Knocking on the door to the bathroom to check for occupancy, she continued her rant.
“I even used that prank on him first!” Hearing no one inside, she opened the door. “Sure, Turnabout is fair play, but-”
Splat!
Pinkie stopped mid rant, and looked down at her chest. Displayed there, for all the world to see, was a circle of yellow paint.
“Huh.”
Slowly looking back up, she pressed her hoof against a crystal on the wall, causing the bathroom to illuminate. Sitting near the back wall, holding a strange device in his hands, was Xenolance.
“Hello, Pinkie”
Splat-Splat!
Two additional splotches of paint joined the first. Pinkie's eyes slowly widened in horror, realizing the situation she was in.
“Oh, phooey.”
Xeno simply smiled, before attacking in earnest.
“Have at thee!”
Pinkie was able to make it back to her bedroom door without taking any further hits, before being forcefully reminded about the paint on the floor by slipping on it. Traction lost, she ended up continuing to slide down the hallway, all while under fire, until she reached the stairs. The rest, as they say, is history.
Xeno was sitting at a small table that had been set up in the kitchen of Sugarcube corner. Sitting on the table, was a half-eaten cinnamon roll, and a photograph of a paint plastered pink pony lying at the bottom of a set of stairs. He chuckled to himself as he stared at it, before resuming his breakfast.
Sadly, his humor was destined not to last.
“There he is, Lyra!”
Looking up from his food, Xenolance had just enough time to gasp as a mint green unicorn flew in a ballistic trajectory for his head. Upon her face, an insane smile was visible, and under normal circumstances would be reason enough to send her off to the happy farm. Unfortunately for Xeno, she also seemed to have an array of hastily constructed devices in her magic aura, each more bizarre then the last.
After the dust had settled from the impact, Xeno was lying on his back with what appeared to be a toilet bowl cleaning brush poking him in the ear, and the mint colored mare sitting proudly atop his chest, holding one of his hands fiercely to her chest. Pinkie stood in the doorway to the room, laughing at Xeno's obvious distress. Xeno himself had a scowl upon his face, and was quick to address the laughing pink mare.
“Pinkie! You promised you wouldn't tell anyone!”
After taking a moment to calm down enough to respond, the pink mare replied, “No, I promised I wouldn't tell anyone who wanted you arrested! Lyra just wants to kiss you and hug you and pet you and love you until the end of your natural life!”
Xeno felt his eye twitch as the pink mare once again succumbed to uncontrollable laughter.
Xeno stood amongst the trees of the Everfree forest. As he stood next to a rock, he double checked something in a purple book he was reading. Satisfied with what he found, he snapped the book shut, giving the opportunity for anything nearby to notice 'Diary' written on the cover in elegant golden letters.
“Alright,” Xeno said to himself as he rubbed his hands together in anticipation. “Nothing good will come of this, and that's EXACTLY what I need to happen!”
It was about noon when Pinkie found herself behind the counter at Sugarcube corner. As much as she wished she wasn't, she DID have some responsibilities to uphold. Not everything can be fun and games after all.
Just as she thought she was about to die from boredom (again, this shift, as customary), an unusual event occurred!
Then again, Xeno walking in from outside isn't too unusual, is it? Pinkie was almost sure that Xeno would have wanted to lie low, and yet, there he was, entering the shop. Kinda strange, but he WAS an evil villain after all. Maybe he had to go make it rain gumdrops again?
Xeno gave a smile and a wave, before ducking into the kitchen to return to his 'lair'.
Pinkie gave a resigned sigh, and had just returned to debating her life expectancy with boredom, when the unexpected event repeated itself. She once again waved back to Xeno as he walked past to enter the kitchen, thinking it a bit strange, but shrugging it off.
But that's where things got really weird.
It happened again...
And again...
AND AGAIN!
Just as her bafflement reached what she would describe as 'super-duper-awesomespectacularly-whatisthisIdon'teven' levels, a minor disturbance to the sudden pattern occurred, banishing the thought that she had become trapped in a time loop. The relief only lasted a moment, though. Xeno's insane smile as he rushed past was her only warning before Twilight burst into the shop, aglow with magic and ready to bring down the wrath of whatever celestial body she could get her hooves on upon her target.
“WHERE IS HE?!”
Pinkie felt her ears fall back involuntary at the thought of dealing with the purple demigod before her.
“W-where's who, Twi?”
Twilight walked up to the counter, her eyes never straying from their pink target.
“WHERE IS HE, PINKIE?! I SAW THAT CELESTIA DAMNED SON OF A DIAMOND DOG RUN IN HERE!”
“You're going to have to be more specific then that, Twi. We've had a lot of diamond dogs-”
Twilight slammed her front hooves down on the counter, creating smoldering imprints of her hooves in the counter as her mane and tail started to smoke.
“PINKIE, SO HELP YOU, IF YOU DO NOT TELL ME WHERE XENO IS RIGHT NOW, I'LL-”
Pinkie was saved from having to deal with any more of Twi's rage by the front door opening.
Unfortunatly, Xeno was the one who had walked in.
“Ẏ͈̥̯̇̅͘Ọ͖̙͌̒̎̌U̗̭̘̝̲̞͈͋͌̍̀!̣̮̟̳̺͋”
Xeno, who had walked in with a dejected look on his face while staring at the floor, stopped and paled upon seeing the presently ablaze, used-to-be-purple unicorn.
Xeno, obviously sweating, said the first thing to come to mind.
“Look over there! An original copy of Starswirl's works on advanced thaumalogics!”
Twilight suddenly flip-flopped, going from spawn of Tartarus to giggling fanfilly in seconds, looking in the direction Xeno had indicated with a euphoric expression upon her face. It took her a full 2 seconds to realize that she had been tricked, by which time Xeno was already closing the door behind him as he made his escape.
With a snarl of rage that would have sent Tirek running for cover, the once again purple hellion teleported to the door, only to blast it open with a show of telekinetic force.
After having yelled after her target, she teleported once again in a violent flash of purple energy, scorching the floor and leaving the smell of sulfur in the air. After she had left, all was still and silent, with the exception of loud explosions heard in the distance. Soon, though, the spell was broken by Xeno and his clones, who were leaning out of the kitchen to view the aftermath.
One of the clones commented, “... Huh... Well, that happened.”
Pinkie, still recovering from her traumatic experience with the purple demon who demanded she break a Pinkie Promise, took a second to look back at the villain(s).
“Xeno... What was that?”
The various copies of Xeno stared in confusion at the hole in the wall that had once been a door. After a moment, one of the copies answered her.
“I'm not exactly sure. I only made five clones, but the similarities were remarkable...”
Pinkie continued to stare at the sextet for a moment more, before returning to staring at the used-to-be-door.
“Huh...”
Pinkie cautiously looked into the hole that was Xeno's lair. Upon seeing no sight of the villain in question, she quickly ushered her partner in crime into the basement.
“Darling, are you sure he'll be gone for a while?”
“Don't worry, Rarity,” Pinkie said with a dismissive gesture. “He left to go see if anything was left of his old lair. He should be gone for HOURS!”
“Well, if you say so. Oh, and thank you once again for letting me in on your revenge on that barbaric rogue! You have NO idea how long it took me to clean the stains out of my carpets after his 'Feed-a-villain' drive.”
Pinkie giggled and said, “No problem! What did you plan on doing, anyway?”
“Oh, nothing much, dear.” With a malevolent smile on her face, Rarity approached Xeno's backpack. “Nothing much at all...”
Xeno, tired after his long hike to and from his old lair, stood in shock at the bottom of the stairs in the basement. His clones, who had joined him on the trip, fared little better. The sight was as traumatic as it was insulting.
Eventually, Xeno recovered from his shock enough to state the obvious question on all their minds.
“WHY THE HELL IS IT PINK?!”
One of his clones, trying to look on the bright side of things, tried to cheer his progenitor up.
“Well, at least it looks nice with the frills...”
Xeno's eye twitched.
Another one of his clones noticed a letter that had been taped to the back of the basement's door. Quickly recovering it, he returned to his fellows and silently asked for advice. The other clones, upon seeing his dilemma, made various gestures to 'go on, read it'. With a sigh, the clone opened the letter, and read aloud, hoping the progenitor would be aware enough to hear it.
Dear Xenolance (and clones),
Your compliance in the city beautification project is appreciated.
The progenitor's eye twitched again.
Your bill will be sent along at a latter date, so you may compensate us for time spent redecorating your room.
Sincerely, Rarity and Pinkie
Xeno decided that night to stop playing games and end the war, one way or another.
The next morning, Rarity entered her bathroom. She still had the smile on her face from the devious act she had performed the day before, and hummed as she prepared a shower for herself.
Once the temperature was acceptable, she stepped into the shower after shedding her night gown. Soon, her fur and mane were lathered up in her favorite shampoo, and she was humming in contentment with her eyes closed as she tried to imagine the look upon Xeno's face upon seeing her work.
Rinsing herself off, she noticed a pile of white fur at the bottom of her tub. She reached out to poke it, but stopped when her eyes caught sight of the pale bald skin that was her foreleg.
After quickly checking the rest of herself to see if her worst nightmare had actually come true, she decided to take the most appropriate action available.
“Sister, didst thou hear that?”
Celestia lowered her tea cup, looking off in the direction of Ponyville.
“Yes. It sounded vaguely like Twilight's friend, Rarity...”
Luna continued to stare off the balcony they had decided to eat their morning meal on, before returning to her plate.
“We wonder what made her scream so...”
“Honey? Have you seen Pinkie?”
From her position in Pound and Pumpkin's room, Mrs. Cake barely heard her husband's response.
“No dear, I haven't seen her all day.”
“Odd... Usually she never misses a story session with the foals if she can help it...”
Mrs. Cake stared at her foals for a moment, before taking things into her own hooves.
“I guess I'll just have to do it tonight. You two stay here, I'll go get us a story!”
As Mrs. Cake walked away, she didn't notice the two foals continue to stare past where she had been standing, up at the pink pony who was staring at the foals with a pleading expression, struggling futilely against the silver bands of duck tape holding her firmly to the ceiling.
Changelings and Demons (The untold story of the Ponyville Prank War)
[An undisclosed amount of time earlier...]
Xenolance, world conqueror and evil genius extraordinaire!
...Was unbelievably drunk.
It is impossible to describe how drunk Xeno was without using numbers that he couldn't be bothered with remembering the existence of at the moment. He normally tried to avoid this level of drunk-attude, but after he had a taste of the apple cider from FrappleBack's basement, he just couldn't stop himself. It was no wonder Brainblow Lash was always after the stuff, with how good it was!
Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end, or in his case, the bottom of the barrel. He sat, staring forlornly at it for several moments, before deciding that additional cider must be acquired. How to do this, however...
Suddenly, the world was brown!
“Ah! The mole-men are attacking!” Xeno yelled as something clung to his face.
…
“Oh, wait, it's just a scroll.”
After looking around to ensure that his stupidity wasn't seen, Xeno carefully unrolled the scroll. Written upon it's interior in formal black lettering was an invitation to a wedding. It had royals, no less!
“Wait... Wedding? Don't those have cider?”
…
“Meh, probably not. It IS a ROYAL wedding, after all. Fancy stuck up pricks.”
…
“How DO Nobles deal with each other? Alcohol?”
…
“Wait, if Nobles use alcohol to deal with each other, and Royal Weddings have a TON of Nobles in the same spot...”
A smile slowly formed on Xeno's face.
“Perfect.”
“Princess Cadence and Shining Armor, it is my great pleasure to pronounce y-”
Princess Celestia's speech was prematurely terminated as the doors to the great hall violently opened, slamming against the wall and resounding with a booming noise. Through the doorway walked an irate evil genius, covered in dirt, cobwebs, and what might be identified as wet cotton candy. As he advanced, spoiled chocolate milk fell off his soaked clothing, creating puddles behind him and adding to his already offensive presence.
“I Object!”
The crowd, who had up until this point been enjoying the wedding, looked on with flabbergasted expressions as the 'most affronting sight they had seen since Discord' walked up the aisle to the pulpit. Celestia herself sat open-mouthed as the villain her student had written to her about approached her. Her state of befuddlement only got worse as Xeno started monologuing.
“Do you have ANY idea what I had to go through just to get here? Any idea at all?”
As Xeno reached the dais that the soon-to-be-married couple were standing on, he started waving his index finger at Celestia, as though she were a filly in need of discipline.
“I have just spent the last six hours--SIX WHOLE HOURS, mind you--lost in your little garden maze.”
Celestia, finally recovering a bit from her shock, hesitantly spoke up.
“I-... I don't quite see the-”
“Of course,” Xeno continued on, ignoring Celestia, “SOMEONE had to go and put a precariously balanced statue near the end of it! But was it a normal statue? NooOOOOoo! It just HAD to be some petrified chimera-thing!”
Suddenly, the chocolate milk made more sense, much to the crowds growing dismay.
“And to make matters worse, when I finally DO get here—your guards need work, by the way; hardly noticed me at all—When I finally get to the reception room to relax to a bottle of Sweet Apple Acres' finest, I find that not only do you not have any, but that you don't have any alcohol here at all!”
At this point, Xeno stomped his foot on the ground and gestured wildly before turning around to address the crowd.
“I mean, come on! How do you people deal with each other without being drunk! You're Nobles! You shouldn't even want to be in the same room as each other without at least SOME social lubricant to grease the wheels!”
Xeno fumed for a few moments, before returning his attention to the bride to be and her husband; both still standing on either side of him as he had ranted to Celestia.
“Well, at least one thing meets my expectations. The bride is a horse, and the groom is boned.”
Cadence gasped and frowned as Shining growled at Xeno and charged his horn. Time seemed to stand still as the magic contained in Shining's appendage released itself. It shot towards Xeno at speeds that most would consider impossible to dodge.
Someone should have told that to Xeno.
Reflexes already overstimulated from his earlier encounter with Discord, Xenolance was already dodging the moment Shining's horn had lit up. With the lag time that the charging took, there was plenty of time for Xeno to dive out of the way before it passed through where he had been standing only moments ago...
… Continuing on to hit Cadence.
There was a gasp from the crowd as Cadence flew off the dais to impact the wall. There was another as a bout of green flames engulfed her figure, revealing her to be none other than the Changeling Queen. There was a third when Shining collapsed, and a fourth when Twilight came rushing through the open doorway of the chapel a moment later.
“STOP! That's not Princess Cadence, that’s a change... ling...”
Soon, everyone gathered in the room were looking between Cadence, Chrysalis, Xeno, and Celestia, with Twilight quickly becoming a dark horse in the running. The staring contest was soon interrupted, though, as Shining regained his senses.
“Wha-... What happened?”
The room, still mostly in a state of confusion, was thrown into chaos as soon as Xeno answered him.
“Well, I knew you liked them ugly, but dayum...”
[More recent past, but still undisclosed...]
Worker 122 carefully scanned his surroundings one last time, before making his way towards Sugarcube corner. His mission had been given to him by the Queen herself, and his punishment for failure would be severe. Severe meaning unimaginably painful, of course.
He had taken up the disguise of some weird ape creature, and was proceeding to the location of the element of laughter's residence. He wasn't totally up to date on all the details, having just skimmed through the briefing, but the objective of his 'don't-fail-or-else' mission was to destroy the supposed friendship between the ape and the pink mare. It was a rather routine mission for him, and should go without a hitch. Some harsh words, a few subtle insults about one's mother, and he could just fade into the background as the individuals involved did the rest. Perhaps this time, he wouldn't even get yelled at for taking so long!
Arriving at the front door to the bakery, 122 had a strange feeling of foreboding. If he listened carefully, he could almost have sworn that he heard yelling. It sounded distant, though, so with a shrug, 122 entered the bakery...
And was immediately confronted by a sight that would haunt him for the rest of his days.
At the counter of the bakery, the element of magic was confronting one of his targets. Moments before, she had been facing the element of laughter with a look of anger, her mane and tail disheveled. Magic had been flowing from her horn, giving her entire form an almost other-worldly appearance as the thaumic tides disrupted space-time in her presence, causing odd shadows and stray gusts of wind to surround her, and in her anger, had improperly controlled the thaumic friction of such an action, creating a distinctly uncomfortable level of heat in the room.
When she turned and saw who he was disguised as, however, all thoughts of his mission evaporated. Her anger skyrocketed into unfathomable rage, and every single iota of it was now directed upon him. Every surface upon her visage combusted, presenting a demonic visage. What once had been uncontrolled eddies, the thaumic currents around her turned into a raging torrent of doom, ripping apart anything that came into contact with it. Her eyes were immediately obscured as her magic hit levels rivaled only by alicorns, and when she spoke, her voice had acquired elements only heard of in changeling mythos relating to the elder gods.
“Ẏ͈̥̯̇̅͘Ọ͖̙͌̒̎̌U̗̭̘̝̲̞͈͋͌̍̀!̣̮̟̳̺͋”
"Uhh..." Worker 122 stated, not expecting such a welcome.
Visibly sweating, Worker 122 racked his brain for something he could do to escape the elder god given equine form. When nothing immediately presented itself, however, his life was soon flashing before his eyes...
... It was rather boring, truth be told...
'...Wait! That's it!'
“Look over there! An original copy of Starswirl's works on advanced thaumalogics!”
'Wait, what was I thinking?! that will NEVER wo--'
"WHERE?!"
Worker 122 stood dumbfounded for a moment, before his survival instincts caught up with him and he practically flew out the door. A few moments later, the door exploded with the energy of a thousand suns.
Applejack smiled as Fluttershy walked up to her stall in the marketplace. Set up a few hours ago, Applejack had been making a tidy profit until Twilight had walked by earlier this morning looking as twitchy as a squirrel on expresso. Now a vague sense of unease had settled over everything, causing everypony to occasionally glance behind them out of sheer paranoia.
"So, what can ah get for ya?"
"Oh! Umm... I'd like two bags of apples, and an apple pie, please..."
After picking out the selected items, Applejack placed them upon the top of the kiosk.
"That'll be 18 bits."
"Umm... Here you go."
Just as Fluttershy put the bits onto the cart, the entire assembly was knocked over as a certain bipedal villain tripped over it in his haste. Fluttershy squeaked and found herself under Applejack, who looked on dumbfounded at the destruction of her cart. Looking after the villain, Applejack ground her teeth together and was just getting ready to yell after him when another voice beat her to it.
Twilight, in hot pursuit-- in more ways than one, judging from her currently ignited state-- flew like a bat out of Tartarus after the human. Where Xenolance had only knocked carts over, however, Twilight practically annihilated them. The only thing that seemed to survive her fury was the ponies themselves.
Upon reaching the end of the street, Xeno slipped for a few seconds on the cobblestone road before regaining his footing and running around a corner. Upon reaching that same corner, Twilight instead decided to teleport, causing a small thaumic explosion that scarred the ground and left nearby ponies coughing at the sulphuric smell.
For a few moments, all was silent.
"A-are they gone?"
Applejack just sighed, and started to clean up her stall with her new shadow underhoof.
Rainbow Dash was enjoying the new Daring Do novel she had managed to get her hooves on. Curled up on her bed in her cloud house, she silently mumbled to herself as she read.
"And as Daring glared at the leader of the cult, the cultists began chanting...
Rainbow stopped and blinked at the words on the page, stumbling through the pronunciation of the chant.
A sudden explosion from the town down below caused her to leap into the air on reflex. Only a second passed before another explosion occurred, soon followed by more. In a panic, Rainbow slammed the book shut, stood on top of it, and wished she had never bothered with it.
"Why would J.K. Yearling write down the chants to start the end of times where somepony could read them?!"
Somewhere in the jungle, Daring Do had to suddenly resist the urge to giggle at a prank enacted long ago upon her readers.
Worker 122 shivered as he found himself backed into a corner. He should have known that he had no hope against the destroyer that was Twilight Sparkle. He was doomed from the moment that she saw him.
With a sigh, 122 admitted defeat, and dropped his disguise.
"Please make it quick..."
Twilight, for her part, froze in shock. Even the ethereal flames that composed her mane and tail found themselves still with her surprise. After a few moments, she regained enough sense to ask a question.
"... Were you always a changeling, or do you have no idea what's going on?"
"Uhh... The latter one?"
After a few moments more, Twilight returned to normal, albeit a few added soot stains to her coat. She gave a long suffering sigh, and started to walk back down the alley she had cornered 'Xeno' in.
When she reached the end, 122 voiced his hesitant opinion on the matter.
"Does this mean I'm free to go?"
"You know what, I don't even care anymore."
And with that, she was gone.
122 stood still for a few moments longer, before thanking everything from his Queen, to even the Pony Princesses, that he would live to see another day. Quickly donning a new disguise, he abandoned his mission and started the long trip back to the hive. With any luck, perhaps his Queen would take mercy on him...
"... And then I came back here, informed you of my failure, you tied me up, and here we are."
Queen Chrysalis stared at the worker that she had sent out to get her revenge for the wedding incident so long ago. The worker had been suspended upside down over a vat of acid, and when questioned on why it had failed, had started spinning the most ridiculous tale she had ever heard.
Calling upon her years of experience, she tried to think of an appropriate response to what she had just heard. It was so remarkable, that it required a truly unique response; one that fully summed up all of her thoughts on the subject, and yet still remained dignified enough to pass her lips. It was a truly arduous task, and almost was almost beyond her extensive ability.
"Gentlemen," Xeno said while walking back and forth in front of his clones in the newly created evil lair underneath the Sugarcube Corner. "We stand upon the precipice of a new age!"
Xeno reached the end of the clones, all of whom had been standing in a line so their progenitor could 'strut his stuff'. With each of them outfitted in a new uniform to differentiate them from their creator, they could easily be mistaken for a line of soldiers being inspected by a superior officer. Quite the inspiring sight, really...
Assuming, of course, that the superior officer was an evil mastermind determined to rule the world, and that such a sight would be inspiring at all.
Walking back down the line of 'troops', Xeno continued his speech.
"Not only have we successfully infiltrated the single group most responcible for the defence of the entirety of Equestria, but we have finally finished the construction of our new base within striking distance against our TRUE enemies..."
Xeno paused for dramatic effect, before leaning in conspiratorially towards his clones, stage whispering the dreaded name of their feared nemesis.
"T̗̪͍̮͇h͍̥͖̱̕é̮̜̮̘ͅ C̟̟̠̬̖͜r͜u҉̠͕͈͕s̰̫̫̲̖a͙̼̼ͅd͈̲ͅe̛̦͚̯͉̮̖͎r̸̝͎̳͔̝ş̗̝̗, harbingers of doom."
Quickly leaning back up, Xeno continued as though nothing happened.
"Now, to celebrate the inaugural use of the 'Doom Lair™', I propose that we do something to fully establish our presence in this area."
The clones waited with baited breath, eagerly awaiting their glorious leader's idea. This continued for a few minutes, until it soon became apparent that Xeno wasn't going to answer them.
"Umm..." One of the clones haltingly started after the scilene became too much to bear. "What, umm... What's your idea?"
"Actually," Xeno dismissively said while glancing between the clones, "I was hoping that one of you might have one."
A few more minutes of silence reigned.
"... Anyone?"
Yet more silence.
"Aww, comon! It can't be that difficult! There's seven of us for heaven's sake!"
"Six."
"What?"
"There are six of us. We never found that other clone that Sparklebutt chased after."
"... Reguardless! It shouldn't be this difficult! All we have to do is come up with an idea that is dastardly, Evil, makes our presence in this area known, spreads fear through the populus, and, if at all possible, gets back at Th̩̟̩͈͜ͅe̞̜͈̖͙̼͉ ̬̦͈Ćr͓̭͢u̥͉̹͝s̹̳̗a̮̬̤͍d̗̪e͓̬̠͝ṛs͕͘ for destroying our old lair."
The silence was once again made president of the world, as the villain and his clones thought. This time, the silence lasted for significantly longer.
Eventually, one of the clones spotted a weather schedule on the wall, before sighing.
"Well, if we can't decide on what we're going to do, can we at least decide who's going to shovel the snow next tuesday?"
"Snow?" Another clone inquired.
"Yeah," the first responded. With a gesture to the schedule, he continued by saying, "according to the schedule, we're suppose to get a good couple of inches. I guess it's going to be a white christmas this year."
"Wait!" Their progenitor cried out. "Say that again!"
"... We need to pick out who's going to shovel snow?"
"No, the other thing!"
"We're going to have a white christmas?"
Xenolance stared at his clone with glee. The confusion among the clones slowly disappeared as they too caught on to the idea. Soon, not a face in the Doom Lair™ lacked a cheshire grin.
"Perfect!"
Pinkie watched as Xeno and his clones were setting up something in the alley behind the Sugarcube corner. The noise they were making was what had originally brought her out, but what they were actually doing had her frozen to the spot. In the middle of the alley, the clones had set up some sort of wooden cart, but had long thin pieces of metal in place of wheels. To be honest, it kinda looked like someone had taken a set of ice skates, and attached the runners on the bottom to a wagon.
Or at least, thats what it looked like it had once been. The clones had made significant modifications to it, leaving it coated with a layer of machinery. What once might have been a rather nice looking whatever-it-was, now looked like something out of a Tetanophobic's nightmare.
"Uhh..."
"Not now, Pinkie!" Xeno, who was supervising the clone's efforts, was standing nearby. Waving dismissively towards the pink menace, he told her, "just--... Just go and make cupcakes or something. We're busy here."
Pinkie continued to stare for a few moments more, before shaking her head and heading towards the door to regain entrance into the bakery. Just as she placed her hoof on the doorknob, a loud growl caused her to quickly turn around, and stare at the now living mechanical contraption. At this point, all four of her knees were pinchy, indicating something scary was about to happen.
"IT LIVES!" Cried out one of the clones, dancing a jig near the metal monster.
"Finally!" Exclaimed Xeno. "We don't have all night, so let's get this show on the road!"
As Xeno quickly climbed onto the front of the beast, the clones quickly piled in. Once comfortable, Xeno pointed with his arm, as though he was giving orders to some non-existent pulling team, while a clone next to him worked a console filled with buttons and switches.
"On Lancer, on Smasher!" The clone flipped a switch, causing the growling of the metal behemoth to grow exponentially as it slowly rose up into the air. "On Crasher and Linchpin!" Another flipped switch, and the mass began moving forward. "On Vomit, on Stupid, on Blunder and Blitze--AHH!"
With a suddenness belling it's frame, the craft suddenly shot forward with explosive speed as a literal explosion launched the craft far up into the air, its somewhat notorious crew screaming the entire way.
"... Huh..." Pinkie said after a moment, the pinchy sensation gone. "I wonder if they'll be back in time for my Hearth's warming eve party..."
In the middle of the town square, Ditzy Doo watched with her daughter as Xeno and his clones cut down the tree that had been magically planted for Hearth's warming. She thought it was quite the nice tree, but apparently Xenolance had taken offence to it. At least, that's what she guessed as she watched Xeno yell out orders to his clones chopped the tree down.
"Mommy, what are they doing?"
"I'm not sure, muffin..."
"Oh! Maybe they need a tree for something, and that was the only one available?"
Ditzy looked to her left, where one of the decorative, year round trees sat unmolested. After a moment of thought, during which time the villain and his henchmen had finished their task of chopping the tree down, she looked back to her daughter with slightly forced smile.
"Maybe..."
With another debatably-controlled explosion, the villainous sextuple launched back into the sky, tree in tow.
As Fluttershy sat drinking camomile tea on her couch, enjoying her Hearth's warming with her animal friends before she had to leave for Pinkie's party. Her animal friends were chattering amongst themselves, and the tea was calming her down nicely. In just a few short minutes, she might have mustered up enough courage to go out and face the world once again!
Or rather, she would have if a loud noise on the roof hadn't seen her relocated to below aforementioned piece of upholstery. Unsurprisingly, most of her animal friends had joined her, as it sounded like an angry wolf was up there, trying to get at them through the roof. The only ones to remain out in the open, were those that were unable to hide themselves in such a manner, leaving Harry the bear to ready a defence against the possible monster on the roof.
After a few moments, the fire that had been merrily burning away was suddenly extinguished by a gout of water. Quickly following it was one of Xeno's clones, who had the misfortune of landing on his head amongst the ashes. After righting himself with a groan, the clone looked back up the chimney with a glare, then refocused his attentions to the room at large.
His first reaction upon seeing Harry was to pause in shock. When no hostility was immediately directed against him from the bear, he gave a quick glance to the rest of the room, spotting the couch propped up on a mountain of animals, and a pegasus. This done, he kept his eyes on the bear as he yelled back up the chimney.
"Sir, they're still awake! What do I do?"
"What did he say?"
"He said they're still awake!"
"Maybe he could just ask them nicely for their presents?"
"What? No! That would never work!"
"At least I'm suggesting things!"
"Be quiet and let me think!"
A moment of silence from the chimney, during which the staring contest between Harry and the clone continued unabated.
"Alright, I got it! Just tell her to go to sleep! With a friend like Pinkie, she's gotta be tired out all the time!"
With a slow nod, the clone quickly glanced at Fluttershy and asked, "Out of curiosity, would you be willing to go to bed so we can steal all your christmas presents?"
Fluttershy, courage bolstered by being surrounded by her animal friends (and defended by a very large bear), asked the obvious question.
"W-what's christmas?"
"...What."
"W-what's christmas? I-if you don't mind me asking, that is..."
The clone just stared at her blankly for a few moments, before returning his attention to the chimney.
"Boss, she doesn't know what christmas is."
"She what?"
"What did he say?"
"She doesn't know about christmas!"
"Maybe she's defective?"
"Ask her if she's sure!"
The clone glanced back to Fluttershy.
"Are you sure you don't know what christmas is?"
"Umm... That's not a bad thing, is it? Oh, I'm so sorry! I should know what it is, shouldn't I?"
The clone stared at her for a moment longer, before reporting back to the chimney.
"Yeah, she's sure."
A long silence was heard from the chimney, before a sigh rang out.
"Figures that the crazy cat lady doesn't celebrate it. Alright, get back up here and we'll go to the next place.
"... How?"
"What?"
"How do I get back up the chimney?"
"...Climb?"
The clone continued to stare up the chimney for a moment more, before returning his attention to Fluttershy one final time.
"I'm sorry, but can I borrow your ladder for a bit?"
Rainbow was just about to walk out the door when she heard a low growling noise. She hesitated as it rose in pitch and volume. Just as she thought it couldn't get any louder, a smashing noise was heard from her living room.
Rushing to the scene of the noise, she found a set of large holes in her ceiling and floor, and a strange mass of metal on the ground below. With a shrug, she quickly fixed the damage to the house. It's not like she used her living room that often anyway.
As she resumed her trek to the door, she made a mental note to ask Rarity for her old furniture. She seemed to buy new every three months anyway, and probably wouldn't mind getting rid of the 'old, out of date, and ugly'. Rarity might even use it as an excuse to try and redecorate her entire house. Again.
When she reached the door, she was silently glad that she had built her secret shrine to the Wonderbolts in her bedroom closet rather than making a basement for it. The stuff in there would have been MUCH harder to replace...
Twilight stared at the large mass of metal that had landed in front of her with confusion. Next to her, Rarity looked at the mass with disdain.
"Rarity, I know I don't really keep up to date with the current fads, but is it 'in' to almost hit somepony with large amounts of trash as they're walking by?"
"No, no it is not."
"Oh, good. Last time something like this happened, everypony had dyed their hair pink."
Distracted from the 'trash', Rarity shivered at the memory. "Don't remind me dear. I have no idea what we were thinking."
"You and me both!"
Both the friends stared at the metal for a few moments more, before Twilight's need to be punctual got the better of her.
"Come on, Rarity. I'll clean this up on my way home. If we don't leave now, we'll be late for Pinkie's party. Plus, if we get there early enough, I might be able to have a few much needed needed words with Xenolance about his past behavior."
With a small nod from Rarity, the mares walked around the metal and continued on their way. Moments after, they were joined by a rainbow maned pegasus from above, who joined them on their quest for entertainment.
"... Are they gone?"
"I think so, yes."
The Villain and his clones carefully pulled themselves out of the wreckage of what used to be their mode of transport. After ensuring that none of them were hurt, and that they were suitably free of dust, they discussed their current options.
"Soo... They're going to a Pinkie Pie party at Sugarcube Corner..." One of the clones said.
"Yup..." Said another.
"... We probably should avoid the Doom Lair™ for now. Sparklebutt's still apperently mad at us for ransacking her library for snacks." Yet another one stated.
"Perhaps we should just hide for the duration?" Suggested the fourth of their number.
"Hey, I think I know a spot she'll never look!" Spoke the fifth.
"Let me guess. Her library?" The progenitor said.
"How did you know?"
"Lucky guess," Xenolance said with a roll of his eyes. "Alright, let's go to the library. We can say hi to Spike again while we're there."
Various cheering could be heard from the Villain and his cohorts as they made their way to a place of higher learning soon to be defiled. Unfortunately for Spike, Pinkie's party suddenly turned into a slumber party halfway through the night, dooming him to the company of the infamous villain for the duration.
"And that's why I couldn't tell you a story last night!"
Pound and pumpkin, awoken far to early for their liking, gave Pinkie a sour look.
"What? I said I was sorry!"
The sour looks only got more sour at her incomprehension of their deep-seated hatred for getting up early.
"... Is this because I didn't save you any cake?"
"Pinkie, get down here!" Yelled a voice with a southern twang from below. "Ah made apple cinnamon waffles!"
It came from Ponyville! (Or, the reason why not to think with portals)
After the Christmas fiasco had settled down, Xenolance was getting ready to really buckle down and prepare his next evil plan. Soon, he would get his revenge upon all of Ponyville for preventing him from stealing Christmas by not celebrating it. There was no way they would see it coming, and nothing would stop him!
Or, at least, nothing except a lack of decent food. Seriously, do you have any idea how hard it is to get a simple hamburger in Equestria, let alone order pizza? It’s nuts, I tell ya!
Anyway, in an attempt to get said hamburger, Xeno had gotten it into his head that the solution to both his lunch dilemma--as well as his imminent plans for town domination--was to build a Multidimensional Omnidirectional Object Clutching Harness. One of the clones had lovingly dubbed it the M.O.O.C.H. for short. He was promptly commended by the other clones, who had nothing better to do but sit around and check dials as their progenitor worked.
“Quantum sensor array?”
“Check,” came the bored reply from a clone.
“Trans-spatial scanning matrix?”
“Check.”
“Atomic batteries to power?”
“Check.”
“Number Two, have you finished those calculations?”
“... Which one was number Two again?” The one who had asked this looked up from where he was reading a book at his console.
Xenolance sighed, and looked back at his clones just in time for another of the clones to reply to the first one.
“I told you we should have gotten tattoos with the numbers!”
“But then the ponies would think we had cutie marks,” the book clone retorted.
“Enough,” said the Villain to his clones. “We’ll sort it out--again--once we’ve had some lunch. You, over there. No, not you, you! No-yes, you! Press the red button!”
The clone that had been singled out hesitated for a moment, but then promptly and solemnly depressed the electrical signaling device of rouge color. The small plastic piece, designed with the purpose of pressing in mind, pressed down a small rubber plunger. This plunger caused a small circuit to close by its depression; a circuit that caused a chain reaction in the bowels of the infernal machine that was the M.O.O.C.H….
A chain reaction that would cause untold amounts of pain and suffering for Xeno and his clones.
Just moments after the circuit had closed, the machine began its nefarious task of ‘borrowing things without asking, sorrynotsorry’ from across the dimensional boundaries. Its inevitable purpose, however, was to retrieve a mass of burned protein and preprocessed grain, with layers of fat and secret sauce. Sadly, it was never designed to cope with its interdimensional smash and grab getting intercepted by something.
Or rather, someone.
The machine exploded in a shower of sparks. Where the hamburgers were supposed to appear, only a thick smog was present. It cloyed at any open space, and soon the entire group was coughing from its ravenous hunger for room. While the malevolent cloud was slowly dissipating through the venting, aided in part by one of the clone’s quick thinking and using a--Oh, that clone had a comic book inside that book. Go figure.
Once the cloud had dissipated, the villain and his clones were left to pick up the pieces, as it were. They gathered around the remains of the M.O.O.C.H., hoping that their experiment, while having explosively failed, would at least yield something resembling lunch. Of course, it was not to be.
“Woo! Hawaii here I-”
There was an awkward silence for a moment as all those gathered in the room regained their senses. Xeno was the one to eventually break the stillness in the room. He did so by blurting the first thing to cross his mind.
“Da fuq?”
“Sir,” one of the clones managed to push out after the villain's outburst, “that’s... Not a hamburger…”
Upon the pad stood a man clothed in a Hawaiian shirt, a tropical hat, and flip-flops. He carried a suitcase in one hand, and a weird device in the other. At first, a look of shock was upon his face as he processed the scenery around him. Not long after that, he put on a more neutral, almost-bored, expression, as if this was not the first time this had happened.
“... This is not Hawaii,” the newcomer said while looking around. “Too many ugly people in sight.”
“Oi!” came the offended cry from the clone gallery. Xeno was quick to crack down on it in an attempt to regain order.
“You! Zip it!” Xeno pointed at the book clone, but another one standing nearby caused some confusion. “You! No, not you, the-the one next to--Yes, you! Are you sure you did the calculations correctly?”
“Uh… Yes?”
“... You’re not the one who did them, are you.” Xeno deadpanned. The clone rubbed the back of his head in an embarrassed gesture, and Xeno sighed while facepalming. “Of course…”
“Is it Wednesday already? Could have sworn it was Tuesday today…” The man in the Hawaii shirt spoke quietly to himself.
“So sorry,” Xeno said in response while holding up a finger in the direction of the man in the fruity outfit, “this will only take a moment.” Xeno pointed at the book clone with his menacing digit. “Numbuh Two, what have I told you about double checking your work!?”
“But we haven’t even ascertained that I AM actually number two!”
“You answered when I asked if the calculations were checked,” Xeno logic’ed with a glare, “thus, you must be number two.”
The silence between them grew into another uncomfortable one. Its predecessor would have been proud, had it lasted long enough to see its offspring cause such oppressiveness. It didn’t take long for the clone to break under its oppressive reign.
“...I regret nothing!” The book clone, now dubbed number two, ran out of the lab, fleeing The Silence.
Xeno sighed, and returned his attention to the man in the tropical attire.
“Sorry about this, but it would appear we accidentally pulled you out of your dimension. I’m sure you won’t have to stay in the Doom Lair™ for too long while we work this out.”
The man in the Hawaiian shirt, however, was of a different mind…
Or perhaps we should say world.
“Hm… Then again, ever since Hitler got resurrected, Hawaii was pretty much a dump after the zombie Nazis moved in. Still, even the zombies were never this ugly…” He told himself, staring at Xeno and his clones.
The man, having seemingly reached the end of his line of thought, shrugged and walked up to the villain, seemingly ready to rejoin reality. With a quick breath, he changed his stance to be more tense and adopted a military air about him. A quick glance was spared for the clones, before he directed his full attention to the progenitor of the bunch.
“He, ihr da!” He practically yelled in a stern tone. “Ie heißt der dieses Ortes, die bin ich in?” He stood still for a beat, before mumbling “Oh, warten Sie. Fast vergessen.” He then raised his arm into the air and proudly declared, “Heil Hitler 2.0.!”
Immediately, there was pandemonium.
“W-was that German?” Asked one of the clones.
“Did he say something about zombies earlier?” Queried another.
“Forget the zombies, did he just praise Hitler?!” Came a panicked response.
Xeno, for his part, simply stared at the man in the fruity outfit as though he were insane.
…
In hindsight, that’s actually funny, considering Xeno himself was of questionable mental--you know what, not important, back to the story.
After about a minute without a response from Xeno, the man in the Hawaiian shirt set down his suitcase. Taking another quick glance around, he noticed the M.O.O.C.H., and promptly lost any interest in Xeno and his clones.
“Oh, Hello! What’s this then?”
As the man walked up to the machine, one of the clones in the background vomited out the battlecry of: “Zombeh Nazis! Kill eet with fiah!”
Xeno’s protective instincts towards anything in his lab--even rubble--soon overrode his desire to not catch the crazy. As the man in the tropical shirt poked and prodded the remains, occasionally humming and Ah’ing as he went, Xeno quickly approached from behind.
“Hey! Don’t touch that! It’s very important for my Evil Plots of Doom™!”
“And our lunch!” One of the clones chipped in.
For the man in the shirt, upon hearing the word ‘Evil’, it was as though somewhere, a record had scratched; in fact, two of the clones who had been watching the events would later claim they heard it as well. With deliberate slowness, the man turned to face Xeno. His visage, just moments before expressing indifference, now showed an abnormal--for him--seriousness.
“... Evil?” The man asked Xeno. “Did you just say something with the word ‘Evil’?”
Xeno was momentarily taken aback by the seriousness the question was posed with. With a slight nod, he spoke.
“Well, yes. This is an evil lair, and it is to be assumed that everything in here will be used for some evil purpose at some point…”
“I see,” the man responded. His eye developed a twitch for a few moments as he stared, but eventually asked, “Pray tell, are you the ‘evil’ owner of this ‘evil lair?’”
“Wha--Oh! Right! Allow me to introduce myself!”
Xeno, having only done this once before a long, long time ago, relived old memories by striking a dramatic pose. Finger extended skyward, he looked off into the middle distance with a thousand yard stare.
“I am Xenolance; evil mastermind extraordinaire, the puppetmaster of Ponyville, the arch nemesis of the CMC, and the--”
That was as far as Xeno was able to get when his impromptu self-glorifying speech was interrupted by a classic left hook from the man in the shirt.
“Aw f’ck! Mi nuse!”
As the clones present started arming themselves and pointing their weapons at the man in the shirt, Xeno tried to keep his nose from bleeding all over his lab-coat.
With a quick motion, the man with the shirt clenched a now-gloved hand. It took a moment, but soon the clones noticed other differences about the man, like how his gloves looked like they could take down a country by themselves, or how the man was now inexplicably dressed in a black labtrench (Think trenchcoat designed for a lab environment. Stylish and effective). The music that was seemingly drifting in from nowhere was doing nothing to stem their confusion.
“I,” the man declared, “am Evil Lord Emperor Connery NotEvilGuy! I am the Evil Overlord of the Clutopian Empire, and only I AM ALLOWED TO BE THE BAD GUY!”
As indomitable will met inevitability, the clones took their chance to voice their opinions on the matter.
“Where is the music coming from?” One asked in a whisper.
“When did he switch clothes?” Another whispered back. “Wait, HOW did he switch clothes?! We were staring at him the entire--”
“Evil Lord?!” Xeno, having only partially recovered, spouted out questions of his own. “Cluetopian? Emperor?! BADGUY?! Wha--”
It was at this point that Xeno was once again interrupted with a fist to his face. Unfortunately, this time they were garbed in Connery’s patented Destructo-Gloves! In a fraction of an eyeblink, he found himself embedded in one of the walls, a crater surrounding the impact point. After a moment that left a lasting impression on the wall, Xeno slowly dropped to the ground. On his face.
Continuing to take his initiative, Connery stalked towards the now embedded Xenolance as the clones looked on, dumbfounded at the impossibility that was NotEvilGuy.
“I don’t know what this place is, but it’s not big enough for the both of--wait…”
With a confused expression, Connery stopped a moment, and pointed at each of the clones in turn.
“One, two, three,” he quickly counted under his breath, before landing on Xeno. “Six of us. Huh. There’s not enough room for Six villains here! Five of you will have to go!”
Returned to his original task, he now launched himself at the prone and embedded Xenolance. Xenolance, only just having rolled over from his drop, quickly reached into his pocket and threw the first thing he got his panicking fingers on.
To put it simply, it was super effective.
“AGH! Sand that came from Pockets! ONE OF MY MANY WEAKNESSES! INCLUDING BEES! …and toasters, and birds, and occasionally the kitchen sink. THE PAIN!”
Xeno, seeing his opportunity to possibly win this fight, resorted to the tried and true tactic of all villains everywhere.
Fighting dirty.
Quickly lifting one of his legs from the floor, he delivered a solid, yet well-placed kick directly into his rival’s groin. The unexpected nut tag caused Connery to lock up as his face became expressionless. As a third sequel to the silence began its reign, all had become still in the evil lair.
After a while, one of the clones near the crater slowly inched his way closer to the combatants. Foot by foot, he came closer, until he was next to the Evil Lord Emperor Connery NotEvilGuy. Helping his progenitor to his feet, they both inspected the victim of Unexpected Groinal Rearrangement.
“I-Is he dead?” The clone asked. Hesitantly, the clone reached out and poked Connery. It started as a slow lean, but soon the villain in black fell over completely onto his face. Seeing that Connery wasn’t getting back up again, the clone looked at his progenitor and shrugged.
“Huh…” Xeno murmured to himself while trying to cope with his left over adrenalin. “That was… easier than I thought it would be…”
Twilight was rather enjoying her ‘morning’. She had just gotten herself a cup of coffee, and as her brunch was being warmed up in the oven she happily sat at the central table in the library and read the newspaper that had been delivered that morning. A sigh of contentment worked its way past her lips as she read the funnies.
Sadly, such was not to last.
A knocking upon her front door destroyed her happy space, and the realities of the world came crashing down upon her. Now groaning with discontent, she got up from her comfortable position, leaving her delicious coffee behind to fend for itself against the inevitable entropy of heat death, and made her way to the door. She tried to look outside.
Dissatisfied, she decided to take the easy route, and just open the door.
‘Ugh. I bet it’s Xeno related...’
(Connery PoV)
Ergh… fuck… oh dear god… that was a fucking cheap shot…
What… where am I?
I looked around my surroundings, and everything seemed… upside down.
I moved myself to get up, but for some odd reason, my body was constrained to where it laid.
Hm. Probably has something to do with these ropes covering me.
…
Oh balls.
“Mmmphmphmpmh?!” I muffled, squirming to get out of my rope prison.
I was apparently tied up to a pole, upside down, with rope covering every single inch of my body.
I tried to break free as hard as I could, but it was a very sturdy piece of rope.
“HMPMMPMHPMHMHPM!” I shouted through the ropes. Not a single eligible word came out.
I continued to struggle, not noticing that in front of me, a tired-looking upside-down Twilight had appeared.
She watched me struggle for my freedom, not even batting an eyelash at my current predicament.
I stopped struggling when I finally noticed her, and muffled out some pleas of help. “MPHMPH! Mphmpmphmphmh!”
An awkward silence ensued…
“Nope.”
Just like that, she slammed the door on me.
A piece of paper that was presumably attached to me fell into view, and I briefly caught a glimpse of the sentence crudely written on it. “To a good home.”
Well then. What a lovely day today. Got all packed up for a fantastic trip to Nazi Hawaii, and what happens? I was put up for adoption and then got rejected by Twilight to become my mother.
Bah. This is just like the orphanage all over again.
Sigh…
Let’s get caught up to speed.
Instead of being sent to Hawaii as I expected--more or less--I instead got transported to some sort of parallel dimension of a different Ponyville.
In this Ponyville, instead of me being the evil villain, there’s this weird ugly Nazi Zombie Hawaiian guy that seems to the main baddie in charge, I guess. There was a group of them, and they all looked exactly like each other. The main boss guy called them his ‘clones.’
Pfft, clones. What an amatuer. He should have saved cloning as a plot-twist for future adventures instead.
Let’s see, what was his name? X-Xavier? Xena? Xen?
Fuck it, I’m calling him Douchebag.
When I tried to stop Douchebag and his clones from… whatever it was that they were doing, I was quickly overwhelmed and taken by surprise. I got knocked unconscious, and then the rest of the story played out.
Hm…
Well, my plans of getting to Hawaii got flushed, so might as well have fun here!
New plan! Traverse this parallel dimension in which Douchebag resides in, liberate Ponyville from his amatuer douchebag grasp, and then conquer it for myself! Simple, easy, and sweet.
Now that I have a game plan all set out…
…
How the fuck do I get down from here.
…
“MMMMMMMMMMMMMPHH!”
(3rd PoV)
Xeno sighed. Not only did he not get lunch, but the machine he had built to GET him lunch had decided to relocate itself all over his lab. In multiple pieces. With no forwarding address.
Shaking his head slightly at his misfortune, he looked around his nearly-destroyed lab. Sure, he had others in his lair, but this was his favorite one. Not every lab is used to solve the secret to world hunger, and then delete all the data!
’Good times…,’ he thought to himself. ’Good times...’
With another sigh while delaying at the task that was ahead of him, he finally decided that he had procrastinated enough. Looking around, he found a suitably un-damaged piece that might yield something to salvage. He bent over to pick it up, trying to grasp the metal through his glove--
“Sir!”
Thankful for one of his clone’s interruptions for once, he quickly discarded the idea of uninteresting menial labor and walked over to his clone.
“Any idea what this thing is?”
Xeno looked it over. All things considered, it looked like a gun. A very strange, glowing gun, with multiple barrels and weird prong things, giving it a very un-gunlike appearance, but a gun none the less.
“Here, let me see that.”
The clone handed it over without much reverence, and stood next to Xeno as he looked it over.
“Wait, there,” the clone said while pointing at a bit of the gun wannabe. “See? Looks sorta like that bit there is a button or something…”
Xeno gave an indifferent hum, and fingered the might-be-a-button-but-probably-not with his thumb.
“No, probably not. It’s in a horrible spot, and I can’t see it serving any--”
With a click, the thought-it-wasn’t-a-button-but-actually-was depressed, proving its buttony status as the device whirred to life. A fraction of a second later, a ball of energy shot out of the device, flying off unerringly in the direction the device was pointed at.
Sadly for the clone, it was pointed at him.
The clone just managed to dodge out of the way in time, leaving the ball of energy to strike the wall behind the hapless clone. With a sort-of-ringing noise, a hole in space and time opened up to a region unknown, and the Villain in white and his clone both were left staring at the portal...
For all of two milliseconds before water started pouring through.
“Gah! Turn it off!” The clone, at this point desperately fighting against the current to keep his footing, quickly lost his battle and fell into the water that now flooded the lab.
Xeno, hoping for a quick resolution to this problem, once again pressed the deceptively-not-buttonlike-button. Another ringing noise was heard, and the portal quickly sealed itself. The water that had flooded into the lab, however, decided that it quite liked its current spot and that it would like to take up permanent residence on the floor, thank you very much.
Silence reigned once again in the lab as Xenolance and his freshly wettened clone stared at each other.
“Sir… I know what you’re thinking--”
“Hush!”
“And I would like to remind you,” the clone continued on, “that playing with strange things is a very bad idea, regardless of what it might mean for our lunch prospects…”
Xeno quickly glanced at his clone, before his evil smile grew even wider.
“Good idea, I didn’t think of that. I was only going to flood everyone’s home as revenge for them not celebrating Christmas so we could steal it, but your idea is good too.”
The clone groaned as Xeno walked out of the destroyed lab with the trans-dimensional-portal-gun-thingymabob.
“We’re eating beef tonight, boys!”
Xeno sighed as he made his way up the stairs from the basement. He had spent most of the day working on solving the mystery that was what he had dubbed the ‘free meal ticket’, but hadn’t made much headway. In theory, it should have been straight forward, but upon opening the case he had been confronted with a dizzying array of wires and vacuum tubes--Actual tubes, why?!--that had all but confounded even the simplest of investigation.
Pinkie, being the caring, loving, I’ve-got-my-eyes-on-you-pink-demon-horse-thing that she was, had pestered Xeno until he had agreed on a temporary respite for food. Then again, Pinkie’s definition of food required Xeno to ascend from the basement for what passed as staple foods in Equestria:
Cake and Pie, with a side of Cupcakes.
As Xeno made his way into the kitchen, he slowly meandered to the main counter. Pinkie had preemptively set out ‘food’ for him, so it gave him time to think. Sadly, it wasn’t to last long, as Pinkie, being herself, was quick to disturb him from his meal.
“Hey! We have new neighbours!” Pinkie bounced up and down in excitement from the window. “Xenny, why don’t you go outside and say hi to him? Maybe you two can be friends!”
Xeno continued to munch on the cupcake he had pilfered from the offerings tray for a few moments more, before what the pink mare had said really registered.
“Wait, what?"
Xeno promptly--but with as much dignity as an evil villain who lived in someone’s basement could really muster--walked over to the window that Pinkie was enthusiastically pointing out. He then stared at the object that had so thoroughly sparked her enthusiasm with a dumbfounded expression. So befuddled was he that he didn’t even notice the cupcake fall out of his grasp and stain the floor with its premature demise.
“What.”
“Oh, hi!” Connery said from his perch. “I see you're admiring my new home?”
Xeno could only stare as, no less than 10 feet away from the edge of the window, Connery sat upon a balcony of his own. Now, this normally wouldn’t be a cause for concern, as any single being has the god-given right to sit upon their balconies and water their flower planters. No, what caused Xeno so much trouble was the fact that the balcony was a part of a building that he distinctly remembered wasn’t there that morning; a building that, for all intents and purposes was less of a building and more of a castle. A building that, by no means, had any right up and appearing in the spot that it currently sat in.
And it was an evil lair.
Not just any evil lair, though. It was an evil lair that was in the middle of town, completely ignored by the ponies passing by. It was only one mountain perch and major thunderstorm away from being the stereotypically perfect evil lair.
Well, that and guns.
Lots and lots of guns.
Meh, you can’t have everything.
As Xeno’s eye twitched at the impossibility of moving several hundred tons of high quality black marble in the span of a few hours, let alone setting up a castle, Connery decided to continue talking.
“Yeah, it’s pretty awesome. And evil. More evil than yours.” Connery mused while he finished watering his out-of-place planters. “Like, totally 20% more evil.”
Xeno continued staring at the almost-perfect-but-not-really lair for a few moments more before calmly about-facing and walking back to the stairs to return to his lair. Most would consider this a pity, as just a few moments later, a rainbow colored pegasus rammed herself into the unexpected obstruction that was Connery’s castle, causing it to unbalance and tip.
“Woah, woah, OH BAAALLS-” Connery yelped as he held tightly to the cardboard cutout that was his porch.
Connery managed to ride his now collapsing cardboard cutout castle to the ground, and walk away with only a massive pile of wood and cardboard--plus one very confused mare--in his wake.
Xeno practically stalked down the stairs as his new rival effectively one-upped him.
“Boss?”
Xeno grunted, but proceeded to pace the length of the floor in the lab that didn’t get destroyed.
“Uh… Boss,” the clone asked once again. “Is something the matter?”
“Our lair.” Xeno said simply, as though that would answer all questions.
“Uh… What about it?”
“It’s not evil enough.”
“...What?”
“Our lair,” Xeno ranted, pointing at the clone, “is not evil enough!”
“O-okay?”
“We need something…” Xeno continued to rant. “Something Evil…”
“Uh…”
Xeno pointed at the clone and quickly demanded, “Quick, think of something evil for our lair!”
The clone imitated a fish for a few moments, before spouting the first thing he thought of.
“... Lava falls?”
“Perfect! Make it so!”
Xeno, now satisfied that the problem was reasonably going to be solved, returned to his work on the portal gun.
“Soon…” He said under his breath. “Soon we’ll have everything we’ll need… And beef! Muhahahaha!”
Unseen just outside the lab, Connery was giving an evil chuckle of his own.
“Good, GOOD. Everything is probably going according to some type of plan… that exists…” He awkwardly paused, before sighing, “I might need some help with this...”
Connery made to grab his handy portal macguffin to transport some of his robotic slave--SERVANTS! I was going to say servants! [They're called minion-bots damnit!][Shhh!]--minion-bots to help him with his ‘plan’. Sadly, he ended up feeling air as the device itself was in the possession of the villain in white.
“Oh shit. I dropped it while I was inside, didn’t I?”
…
“I’m gonna have to get that back.”
“So this cable connects up to this coil here, generating the magnetic twist it needs to manipulate the polarity of the portal…”
Xeno reached over and grabbed a mug of cider he had set up by his workspace, and carefully lifted it to his lips. In front of him, occupying the majority of his workspace, was the scans he had just completed of Connery’s portal device. The care for the mug was to prevent the pages from being damaged in the event of a spill, while the cider itself was to help Xeno make sense of the complex and confusing array of electron pathways.
“Still,” he continued to muse out loud to himself, “why would he need this bit over here? All it seems to do is transmit a simple repeating signal in morse code...”
Sloshing about the contents of his mug, Xeno looked once again at the decoded message.
“...Is ‘Eat at the Evil Coffee Shop’ some sort of code for something?”
As Xeno mused, he failed to notice a figure enter the room until they were passing right behind him.
“Hey,” Connery mumbled with a nonchalant tone, licking an ice cream cone as he walked.
Xeno grunted a greeting while raising his mug to his lips again. He had just managed to take a sip before he noticed who it was who had actually walked in. Identity registered and confirmed, Xeno went back to work...
For the total sum of four seconds.
“What the--”
Xeno proceeded to set the mug down--incidentally, making a very lovely impressionist mug ring on some of the highly detailed papers--and walked over to confront the villainous intruder.
“What,” Xeno demanded with an accusing finger point, “are you doing here?”
“Eating Rocky Road,” Connery mumbled around his current mouthful, wincing with the occasional brain-freeze.
“What? No, I mean-- UGH!” Xeno, at this point, desperately wished he had either finished off the golden elixir of calming cider, or had something stronger to cope with the Pinkie levels of insanity. Scrubbing his head in an attempt to dissipate his current frustrations, he tried to adapt to the unexpected logical trap. “Okay, fine. Why are you here?”
Connery scoffed, and resumed eating his ice cream cone. “Pfft, I dunno. Got bored. Decided to check your place out. Still sucks, by the way.”
Xeno stared at him for a moment, before marrying his face to his palm with a sigh. After the divorce, he continued his attempt at interrogating insanity.
“How did you even get back in here?”
“I asked Pinkie politely if she could let me peruse the basement for innocent and non-nefarious reasons,” he said with a gesture of his cone in the direction of the stairs.
“She WHAT?!” Xeno responded predictably. “That would clearly violate our agree-- You know what, fine.” Xeno pointed at Connery, before pointing at the door. “You. Out. Now.”
“Alright,” Connery responded. “Just let me finish my ice cream.”
Xeno rolled his eyes, and then solved the perceived frozen dairy problem by pushing it off its precarious perch, causing it to plaster itself to the pavement.
“T-that was a perfectly good four bits Rocky Road…” Connery said, holding his empty cone and looking misty-eyed at the mess on the ground.
Connery found himself at the threshold of the lair, bodily hung from his collar. A split second after he was released, a swift kick to the posterior launched him outside.
’Hmm,’ he thought to himself once he had landed. ’I hope he doesn’t use the bathroom in there, ‘cause I totally did some not-so-innocent and evilly-nefarious things to it while I was in there…’
Faux-innocently whistling to himself, Connery picked himself and walked away…
(Later on that day…)
Pinkie was humming to herself while mixing a fresh batch of batter, when a large rubber object made contact with her head. Looking at the aggressor, she had to prevent herself from laughing. Xeno was standing in the kitchen with his pants around his ankles, unable to be lifted due to the toilet seat seemingly affixed to his butt.
A towel in one hand, preserving his modesty, and a toilet plunger wielded in the other, Xeno glared at Pinkie as though she were the cause of his current toiletry distress.
“Don’t make me remind you why not to prank me.”
With his threat delivered by levelling the end of the toilet plunger at her, Xeno shuffled his way towards the basement. Pinkie had the self-restraint to wait until after he had left to laugh.
(Connery PoV)
I flung the item in my hand out the window.
“Hm…”
I flung the item in my hand out the window.
“This is getting me nowhere…”
I flung the item in my hand out the window.
“Sure, it’s fun and all… but everything just seems kinda pointless…”
I flung the item in my hand out the window.
“The pranks, the shenanigans, all of it.”
I flung the item in my hand out the window.
“It’s not enough. These things aren’t slowing him down, they’re just annoying him. I need to do something bigger… better… Evil...er.”
I flung another egg out the window.
“But what can I do that can effectively piss Douchebag off, and still stop him and his evil schemes at the same time? Hm.”
Another egg, out you go.
Aaand, boom, headshot.
“Gah!”
“Where in the pink pony’s party stash is that coming from?!”
Ah, look at them. Cowering before the almighty emperor of egg throwing of evil. It’s beautiful, I tell ya.
“But most of all, I gotta get that thingymabobber back from him...Sigh… What to do, what to do…”
Headshot.
”Oh what the Smurph?!”
Seriously though, I need to do something about this whole mess. Douchebag’s evil goals of whatever-it-was-that-he-was-doing have to be stopped. Who knows what could happen if he figured out how to press the button on the mcguffinthingy?
He could summon another version of himself- Actually, there’s already six of them here, I shouldn’t worry about that.
He could bring a monster into this world- Wait, that would just be another regular Friday for Ponyville.
He… erm…
He could… steal clothings from other universes and sell them here for ridiculously high prices.
No wait, people do that everywhere.
...
Yeah, I got nothing.
Hm…
“Xeno? What are you doing throwing eggs out the window?”
What.
I shook myself from my inner thoughts as I realized that there was someone behind me. Er, somepony, or whatever.
It was the Cutie Mark Crusaders themselves. Inside my super secret attic of super secrecy.
“You guys? How did you get into my super secret attic room of super secrecy?” I asked as I threw another egg with my back turned.
”My eye!”
Headshot.
“Isn’t this Pinkie’s room?” The adorably small Sweetie pointed out.
Well, yeah, but it’s boring if you call it that.
“Hey, wait a minute, you aren’t Xeno!” Exclaimed the adorably small orange Rainbow Dash with purple mane.
“Ya sure do look like ‘im, though. Who are ya, mister? Are ya Xeno’s friend or somethin’?” The nutritious daytime breakfast snack Applebloom asked.
“What, you guys don’t recognize me? It’s me Con--” Brain fart, “Oh right, alternate dimension Ponyville.”
They all looked at me strangely.
The annoying thing about traveling to different universes is the part where you have to (re)introduce yourself to the same people for the first time, for the second time.
I cleared my throat, “Guess I should introduce myself... again. My name is Connery NotEvilGuy, and you three must be the Cutie Mark Crusaders that I’ve heard so much about!” I pointed at them.
“Ya’ll have heard of us?” Applebloom gleamed at the fact that someone apparently knew them.
Scootaloo jumped and laughed, “Ha! I told you that going for our cutie marks as rock stars was a good idea!”
“Yeah, sure, let’s go with that.” I muttered.
Rockstars? I don’t think that was in season three.
“What are you doing in Pinkie’s room, Mister Connery?” Sweetie Belle asked innocently.
I glanced at the massive amounts of egg cartons right next to me and quickly answered, “Community service.”
Speaking of which, I still had seven cartons to go.
I returned to my Egg Sniping role and threw another egg out the window.
”GAH!”
Woot, nutshot. That’s for the one from earlier, ya douche!
“So, how come you guys are here?” I asked them while still focusing at my shots.
“We’re gettin’ some party supplies!” Applebloom answered cheerfully.
“Yeah! We think we can get our cutie marks at throwing parties!” Sweetie bounced.
They all sucked in their breaths and then my eardrums committed suicide.
“CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS PARTY THROWERS!”
God damn it, and I just replaced these eardrums from last time.
“Ah, yes. You guys are still trying to discover your cutie marks. How’s that coming out for ya anyway?” I asked as I hid the tears of blood flooding out of my ears.
With a simple sentence, they instantly got calm and somber.
“Not too well.” They all said simultaneously.
Well shiet. Now I feel like an ass.
Wait a minute… Wait a minute!
I felt the familiar feeling of a glass lightbulb impacting the back of my head and a dying little voice once more!
“Say, I have an idea for your next cutie marks if throwing parties doesn’t work out. Are you guys up for it?” I offered as I rubbed my chin.
“An idea for our cutie marks? Sure!”
“We ain’t called the Cutie Mark Crusaders fur nuthin’!”
I hummed. “Have you guys ever considered… house redecorating?”
(3rd PoV)
Xeno found himself standing outside of his lair, looking on as his clones tried to put out the fire before it spread to Sugarcube corner. Xeno sighed and gently rubbed his forehead.
“This,” he said to no one in particular, “will not stand.”
He exited the basement, a miasma of smoke accompanying him as he walked out the kitchen’s door.
“This will not stand at all.”
Twilight, on her afternoon errands, found herself in the middle of a rather large crowd. She tried to ask a few ponies what was going on, but most of them didn’t know either. The ones who did seem to know something only said that two weird monkey things were going to have some sort of singing contest. After she got a description of the competing villains, she quickly pushed her way to the front of the crowd.
On a stage set in the middle of town square, Xeno and the not-Xeno she had seen this morning were standing on opposite sides of the stage. Down with the crowd, a table had been set up with three chairs. Two of Xeno’s clones took up two of the chairs, but the third chair had, for some reason, a familiar butter-colored pegasus.
“Fluttershy?”
Fluttershy, hearing her name, squeaked and tried to make herself smaller in her chair. When that failed, she tried to slip under the table, only to be returned once again to her chair by the clone in the middle chair. She squirmed about for a few seconds in his grasp, before giving up to the inevitable.
“U-umm… Hi, Twilight…”
“Fluttershy, what’s going on here?”
“O-oh, umm..”
Fluttershy looked at the gathered mob for a moment before returning her attention to her friend.
“U-umm… Well…”
Seeing that his charge was having some anxiety issues, the clone decided to explain in her stead.
“The boss is having a rap battle with the invader from the fifth dimension.”
Twilight looked at the stage. This could be her chance to intero-question him!
“Will he have some time to talk to me afterwards? I have some… Concerns to talk to him about.”
The clone gave a one armed shrug, the other being used to hold the timid, but struggling pegasus to his chest.
“Our lair got trashed just before this, so it might be a while.”
“What?” Twilight said, quickly changing topics of interest. “What happened?”
“Well, you see--”
“Mares and Stallions! Fillies and colts!” Another clone, up onstage, had unknowingly interrupted information that Twilight considered critical. He was oblivious to the death-glare she gave him and continued to announce the start of the festivities.
“Are you pastel equines ready for some epic rap battles of Equestria?”
There was a half-hearted cheer from the mob, with the exception of an ecstatic pink mare.
“I said, are you ready for some epic rap battles of Equestria?!”
The response this time was a bit better, but still rather lackluster. The clone shrugged it off, and continued on.
“Yeah, yeah. It wasn’t my idea either. Anyway! On my right,” the clone said, pointing at Xeno, “we have the main quandary, the master of mockery and the planner of pokery; Xenolance!”
The crowd, instead of cheering, booed. Twilight kinda expected it, after she informed the town why they couldn’t borrow any library books with a five hour lecture about the sanctity of personal property.
The clone awkwardly giggled, and said, “They love ya, boss,” under his breath.
“Yeah, alright. On my left, the emperor of evil, the primeval upheaval, and the man with no equal; Connery NotEvilGuy!”
The mob below expressed a few confused glances, but decided that anything was better than Xeno with a few half-hearted cheers.
“Right, yeah... Okay! We’ll do this sudden death style! Winner takes all!”
The clone spun on the spot, and pointed at both the ‘contestants.’
“Gentlemen, are you ready?!”
Xeno responded by throwing a rock at his clone. Connery responded by scratching his head in confusion and muttering to himself, "Rapping? That new modern hip genre thing by the kids? Ugh, I hope I don't hear anything about women private parts and the encouragement of drugs..."
“Alrighty then!” The clone returned his attention to the horde below. “This will be a sudden death battle! You each get one round, and the winning contestant will be picked by our judges!”
Twilight followed where the clone pointed, and saw the table she was standing next to.
“Wait,” she mumbled to just those close to her. “Isn’t having two of his clones as the judges a conflict of interest?”
“That’s kinda the point,” the judge-clone whispered back.
“Wha--but that’s cheating!”
The judge-clone just raised his eyebrow.
“And?”
Twilight’s dumbfounded stare was ended by the announcer-clone grabbing her attention once again.
“Now, if I didn’t start with him, my progenitor would have my hide. Please welcome, XENOLANCE!”
Xenolance stepped up. From somewhere behind the stage, strange monotonous music started playing. Xeno started bobbing his head to the odd beat, and then proceeded to rap.
“Yo. Ugh. I’mma beat down yo doors with mah cannon; and leave yo hide with such a tannin; you best go back and get on your wagon, and get back to--uh… your salmon?”
A quick shake of his head, and he returned to the beat.
“You ain’t got no glory, you're folding; you can’t understand what you’re beholding; you're trying to sit still, but you're growing to know; uhh.. that you’re still waiting at the loading…”
Another head shake.
“You can’t fight with me and my degree; I don’t just have one, I have three! You ain’t got no hope, Mcgee; You ain’t so dope, like me; So just go home to your mother and… go play some Yahtzee?”
As Xeno finished his… Creative rap, most of the herd below was left stunned by his… Imaginative use of lyrics and… Sense of beat?
…
Fine, so he can’t think on his feet very well.
Connery, for his part, gave a sigh of relief. "So it was that kind of rapping. Good."
The judges stared on in awe and--okay, yeah, it was shock and bafflement. Fluttershy looked like a lost puppy in the grip of the clone, not quite sure what was going on. The clone was using his other hand to cover his face with embarrassment. With a moment to recover, the clone at the table gestured for the clone on the stage to continue.
“Riiiiight… So, that was Xenolance…” The announcer-clone pointed at Connery. “Your turn; you’re up.”
Stepping back again, the stage was cleared for Connery.
With a shrug, he stepped forward on the stage.
Everyone watched with curious eyes, determining whether this next performance was a mess like the first, or a pleasantly unexpected surprise.
The same beat that had played for Xeno started back up, and Connery glanced around him, almost as if he was lost.
A few seconds passed. Then a few moments. And yet, the whole place was still silent, not counting the odd rhythmic beat that played.
Everyone looked expectantly at Connery, some wondering why he was just standing there. Doing nothing.
Then... He bobbed his head to the beat. A few moments later, he started tapping his feet.
Then, the odd beat picked up, more instruments being added in. Slowly, the music that was supposed to be an accompaniment was growing in volume to dominate the attention of all.
And then, just when the music seemed to have reached its peak, the music had a singer.
As the music slowly built up, Connery started getting more and more immersed into the song, from bobbing his head even harder, snapping his fingers along, and just closing his eyes to let the music take hold of him.
“Look how those funky monkeys talk and walk in store They're lost, sad and brawny like an apple core Who can believe that there will be some gore With those wimps like I said before “
Then Connery unexpectedly ripped off his clothing to reveal fancy tap-dancing suit underneath, and had started shuffling to the music, much to the surprise and bafflement of everyone.
“It ain't right, babe, no It ain't right, no no Mama, don't do that you know It ain't right, yeah, boy boy.”
That was when things really started kicking off. Literally. The moment the trumpet solos played, Connery threw away any subtlety he had left, if he had any at all, and kicked Xeno in the face.
“Agh! Why is it always the face?!”
Connery continued to tap-dance his heart out, pulling out a random cane from his back pocket, using it in his dance routine, while also occasionally using it to trip Xeno from his feet.
The crowd, while confused, slowly started getting into the infectious funky beat of the music. It started out small--a few bobbing their heads here, a few tapping their hooves there--but slowly, the magical power of Electro Swing had opened a path into all of their hearts, as they too, started to join in on the dancing fever. Even the beating Xeno was receiving, normally an act that ponies would shy away from, seemed to be adding to the jovial atmosphere.
The music enveloped everyone, turning what was originally a crowd gathering near a stage into an amazing dance party. Fireworks came out of nowhere, lighting the sky despite it being daytime. Sparks flowed and banged on the stage, the beautiful special effects making the moment more enjoyable than it ever was. Xeno getting his ribs bruised as he tripped again and giving Connery the chance to tap dance wildly on top of him.
"Ow! Ow! Ow, shi--OW! Why me?! Ow-ow! ow!"
The event was so infectious, even Twilight, who was admittedly dumbfounded at first, was busting a move. Er, or a hip. Spinal cord--whatever that weird dance move was called.
Fluttershy was gently swinging her head side to side, and the judge-clone was using his free hand to snap his fingers to the beat.
“It ain't right, babe, no It ain't right, no no Mama, don't do that you know It ain't right, yeah, boy boy.”
The finale wasn't short on its execution either. As the song kicked up one last time before it ended, the sky turned dark and an aurora appeared, almost as if Celestia and Luna themselves heard the joyous music and celebrated alongside the ponies below. It’s entirely possible they probably were, since the damn speakers were set to eleven.
But like all good things, it didn’t last. The song calmed itself considerably and slowly faded away into the background. Connery walked off of a groaning and bruised Xenolance.
As the song faded away completely, it was soon replaced by a loud uproarious cheer from the audience.
Connery bowed his head in a rather humble manner, and waved at the cheering crowd. He took a quick glance at the injured Xeno that was slowly gaining his strength back to rise again. Connery promptly said 'nope' in response and kicked him in the stomach for extra good measure, keeping Xeno down for just a few more minutes.
The judges, for their part, appeared to be coming to their judgement. They talked amongst themselves for a few moments in hushed whispers--except for Fluttershy, who was talking normally--and occasionally glanced up at the competitors up on the stage. Soon, it seemed they had come to an agreement.
The judge-clone stood up, and said, “We, the judges, have come to an agreement!”
Just like that, all the attention that had been going to the minor celebration was directed at the judges. Fluttershy, noticing the sudden attention placed upon her, meeped and ducked underneath the table.
“We have decided that the winner is…”
Connery and the announcer-clone stood near the edge of the stage as Xeno slowly pulled himself to his feet. There was a subtle feeling of tension in the air, almost completely overpowered by excitement. From somewhere, a drumroll was added to the ambience.
“Connery NotEvilGuy!”
“WHAT?!” Screamed Xeno from his position. Sadly, he was almost completely obscured by the mob’s cheers. While they were cheering, he worked his way off the stage and down to the table.
“I put two of you on the judge’s panel for a reason! Heck, he didn’t even rap! Why didn’t you vote for me?!”
The judge-clone, barely heard over the cheering for an encore, managed to get his response to his progenitor.
“Hate to say it, boss, but Connery had a better beat. Plus, you just kinda sucked.”
The judge to his right nodded as the judge-clone pulled Fluttershy back up to her seat.
“I agree with him, because I’m totally a clone too! Yup, not Pinkie at all!”
Xeno looked over at the judge that had spoken, and found Pinkie sitting in the final judge’s chair with a cardboard cutout of a clone taped to her face. His face became a rather interesting shade of red as Fluttershy decided her opinion could, at this point, slip by unnoticed.
“Umm, I, umm… I thought it was… Um… Nice?”
Her statement was followed by her diving under the table again. This proved ineffective when Xeno flipped it in his anger.
“Thats it! I’m going to do what I should have done AGES ago!”
Xeno limped to one of the storage crates nearby, and pulled out the portalgun. Device in hand, he made his way back to the stage where Connery was moonwalking, much to the crowds’ enjoyment.
“Sometimes, the best solution is the easiest one!”
With that battlecry, Xeno pointed the portal gun at the area where Connery was walking. With all the noise the mob was generating, the sound of the portal opening was completely obscured. The light show, while noticed by some, was taken as ‘all part of the show’... except for Connery, who finally realized the shiny light thing was glowing behind him.
Connery glanced back and saw the portal-gun pointed at him. “Are you fucking serious-” And then he got sucked into the hole underneath him before he could utter another word.
Gasps of horror rang out as Xeno closed the portal. With a victorious grin, he walked up to the front of the stage, and raised the portal gun in the air.
“And that!” he shouted to the crowd. “Is why you don’t mess with a villain!”
A hush had fallen over the shocked crowd. A “Wow, what a twist!” came from the judging panel, followed by the crunch of over processed snacks. Xeno slowly lowered the gun while glaring at the audience, as if daring any of them to challenge him, too distracted in his anger to notice the chiming noise coming from behind him.
“Anyone else want to mess with me?!”
Then he felt someone tapping him on the shoulder.
Xeno turned around to face his challenger, just as Connery slapped the portal gun out of his hand and stomped it to pieces all over the ground. Xeno, stupefied at the quick return of his rival, was too slow to dodge the punch that was for his face. Again. This was quickly followed by a kick to the groin.
As Xeno, once again, collapsed and groaned in pain, Connery decided to counter-taunt Xeno’s earlier taunt. “Yeah? Well this is why you don’t mess with an Overlord!” A quick pause, before he resumed the train of thought. “Cause you get fucked up… by said Overlord! Which was me... Douche.”
Adding insult to injury, Connery wiped his now muddy shoes on the collapsed Xeno, and flipped him the bird.
“Welp, I’m bored now. I’ll come back for round two at some point.”
And with those words of farewell, Connery opened up another portal with a different transportal-dimensional-stuffymcwashbog, (which he built while sober this time,) jumped in, and sealed it behind him, leaving only an echo of his laughter.
“wheeeeeeeeeeee…”
Pinkie, with cheese poofs stuck in her hair, finished recounting her tale to the twins in her normal manner.
“... And THATS how you prank a villain, and get away with it!”
She looked down at the twins, and noticed they were both sleeping. It was… Kinda unexpected for her. Usually she would say some sort of witty comeback to whatever their expressions seemed to convey, but now?
“...What to do, what to do…”
She looked contemplative for a moment, before shrugging and going downstairs.
“I wonder what Twilight is up to…”
In the basement below the Treebrary, Twilight giggled over her prisoner.
“Now, you’re going to tell me everything you know…”
The villain in white stared at her blankly.
“Oh no, you’re not getting away this time, not after what you did to my library!”
She turned around and walked over to a tray of tools, picking up a temperature probe.
“You're only hurting yourself by not talking to me, really. I’ll just get what I want eventually...”
Walking back over to Xeno, she gave him a predatory look.
“And I have ways of making you talk!”
She then shoved the temperature probe up his nose.
… Or at least, tried to. Kinda hard when the nose she’s poking is of a cardboard cutout.
Twilight blinked, and tried once again to futilely shove the temperature probe into the cardboard cutout. She continued to do this for a few minutes, affirming that, yes, she was in fact attempting to interrogate a cardboard cutout. Her hair slowly started springing out of place, and her attempts at inserting the probe became ever more frantic with her desperate resistance against the reality of the situation.
“Uhh. Twilight?” Came the voice of a worried dragon from the stairs. “What are you doing?”
Twilight froze, realizing what the situation probably looked like. After taking a deep breath, she let it out slowly and put the temperature probe away.
“I don’t even know why I’m surprised anymore…”
She calmly walked up the stairs and escorted the dragon out of the basement, turning the lights off behind her. After the sound of her hoofsteps could no longer be heard, a clone badly disguised as a cardboard box turned the lights back on and quickly freed his progenitor. Once Xeno got a hand free, he removed the cardboard cutout facemask.
“Why does this work?!”
(Connery PoV)
Sigh... Nothing like being back in good old Ponyville dimension one. It was nice to be back home in familiar territory. You would not believe how stuffy it gets in a world filled with magical ponies and living myths, from a second dimension.
As I landed back in the same spot where I left last time, a minion-bot greeted me, "Hey boss. So, how was Nazi Hawaii?"
"Hm, terrible customer service. The Nazi Zombies were incredibly rude, even after I praised their reformed Mecha zombie leader." Was my simple critique.
"Sorry to hear that. If it makes you feel any better, we followed the list while you were gone."
"Oh yeah? That's good. How did Tiara react?"
"Mentally scarred."
"Excellent. Let's see what that spoiled brat can do to Dinky now, when she's too depressed about her couch being set on fire, eh?"
Spike glared at the back of Twilight's head while she levitated a row of books to the growing pile in the center of the room. He didn't mind reshelving day, honestly. He just wished it didn't come around every two weeks--not counting when his purple roommate decided she was bored, and that a 'quick' reorganization of anything with the written word on it in the library would make an effective use of her time while waiting for her next homework assignment from Princess Celestia. Of course, Twilight being the overachiever that she is, made sure to complete any assignments she was given mere days after they had been assigned, rather than the expected two months for the average student, leaving plenty of extra time for the activities she considered fun.
Like reshelving the entire library.
Spike wistfully remembered when both he and Twilight had lived in the palace, when he had been able to excuse himself from helping out with this chore by claiming that the Princess needed to see him for something. Failing that, calling in a few of the servants to help would significantly speed up the process, and reduce the workload of all involved. Lacking both, the process was both tedious and exhausting to reach Twilight's level of exacting literary reorganization perfection.
Waddling over to one of the stacks for reorganization, Spike slowly started picking through the titles.
'How to train your parasprite, 1001 creative ways to prank your friends, The Evil Overlord's guide to cooking... Sheesh, I wonder where we got that one...'
Picking up a faded red book, Spike flipped it over a few times while looking for a title.
'What's this?'
Opening it to the first page, he discovered that it appeared to be some sort of Journal.
"Oh, that's where that went to."
Spike turned to see Twilight looking over his shoulder. She had a vague look of interest as she quickly scanned over the first page.
"What is it?" Spike asked as his sudo-mother returned to creating literary chaos in the middle of the floor.
"It's something that Time Turner dropped off a while ago. I think it's suppose to be some sort of fantasy adventure he wrote about a crazy pony with a box."
Setting another stack down in the pile, she continued.
"It kinda comes off as a self-insert wish fulfillment story, as the main character is described looking the same way as Turner. The way he runs around with a herd of mares as his 'companions' doesn't really help to put off that image."
Another stack of books added.
"I was actually planning on putting it into storage in the basement. Nopony has checked it out, and only Ditzy and Roseluck seems to find it interesting."
Spike flipped through the pages until the book seemed to stop at one particularly set of well-worn pages. The first thing that caught his eye on the page was the phrase 'Don't Blink!'
Spike looked up at Twilight as she grabbed one of the last few rows of books, and set them on the ground. He shrugged, and decided to continue reading.
Don't blink! Don't even wink! Blink, and you're dead!
Interest peaked, he flipped back a bit to try and get some context. The book was kinda large, so he took a seat to balance it on his legs.
Spike! For the love of Celestia, whatever you do, keep reading!
Spike stared at the book in confusion, but kept reading.
Alright, now that I've got your attention, let me first start by saying that they are alive, and they're in the basement.
Spike raised an eyebrow.
Now, I know that sounds strange, but believe me! I'm a time traveler!
Spike raised his other eyebrow.
Okay, right now you're staring at the book skeptically. I know it sounds strange, but it's true. I can even prove it.
Spike glared at the book.
And now you're glaring. And in a second, Twilight will say: "Can you move for a second?"
"Hey Spike, can you move for a second? I want to get that book you're sitting on."
Spike stood up without thinking about it, and then realized what he had just done. He quickly looked back at the book with an expression of disbelief.
Now she's going to say: "Spike, are you going to keep reading that or are you going to help me?"
"Spike, are you going to keep reading that or are you going to--Spike, why are you looking at me like that?"
Spike found himself staring at Twilight with an expression akin to panic, before returning to reading the book.
Now that you believe me, it is imperative that you keep everypony away from the basement until I can solve the problem! They can--and will--kill you and everypony you hold dear.
"Fine, you can keep reading it. Just put it away in the basement when you're done, or you won't get any gems with lunch."
Spike's expression changed to one of horror, but he continued reading the book.
If you do have to go down there, for ANY reason, just remember:
Spike leaned closer to the book.
Don't Blink! Don't even wink! Blink, and you're dead. They’re faster than you can imagine, but they're quantum locked. If you stare at them, they can't move. If you're desperate, you can trick them by--
Spike stared at the page. The sentence just stopped without warning, cutting off the dire warning from the future. Slowly, Spike turned to look at the basement door. He saw it slightly open...
And had an eye looking through the crack, staring right back at him.
"AHHHHH!"
"Spike?! Spike! Are you okay?!"
"Number four, what's going on up there?"
"I have no idea, sir." Number four, one of Xeno's clones, slowly closed the door while the purple mare tended to her purple lizard thing. "The lizard looked in my direction, and then just started freaking out."
The progenitor looked up from the book that he was reading in confusion before returning to it.
"...He might have seen you. Best we all put on our disguises, just in case."
The clone nodded, and equipped a piece of decorated card stock that bore his own likeness.
"...Why does this work again?" The clone eventually asked.
"I have no idea." Came the reply from the villain in white.
It was after lunch. Spike had missed out on his gems because he had sanely refused to go into the basement. He had even discouraged Twilight from going down a few times.
Twilight, finding that her number one assistant had inexplicably contracted a fear of the basement for reasons beyond her comprehension, tried to help him get over it the best way she knew how.
"Spike, I'm telling you that there is nothing to be afraid of! If you see something scary, just laugh it off!"
"Twilight, I'm telling you that there's something in the basement!"
"Spiiiiike!" The lavender mare groaned, and picked up the young drake with her magic. "Here, I'll show you."
"Wait! Twilight, no!"
Twilight carried the protesting purple prepubescent to the basement door, and opened it. Flicking the light on, she walked down the stairs, and soon found herself in the basement proper. Surrounding her was the various pieces of scientific equipment that she used for the multitude of scientific experiments she found herself performing. For science.
In a corner, a bookshelf and a desk sat, awaiting some scholar of the sciences to make use of them. Nearby that, was a pile of boxes that contained all the books that weren't currently in use in the library above--all enchanted with a plethora of preservation spells, of course. Finally, there was her growing collection of life-size Xenolance cardboard cutouts by an open space near the wall.
'Actually, where did they all come from?' Twilight thought to herself. 'I thought I only had the one...'
Twilight shrugged, before calmly setting the not-so-calm drake on the floor.
"See, Spike? Nothing to be afraid of."
Spike was swinging his head around while hyperventilating, seemingly trying to keep as much of the room in view as possible.
"...Spike?"
Spike ignored her in favor of his paranoid delusions.
"Spike..."
Spike found himself resisting the urge to blink in his self-tasked quest of room observation.
"SPIKE!"
"GAH! Twilight!" Spike rubbed the ear-fin-thing that the studious purple pony had yelled into. "You could be a bit nicer to somepony trying to save your life!"
Twilight stared at her assistant in confusion.
"Wha?"
Returning to his scanning, Spike let his gaze linger on a particularly dark corner of the room.
"Time Turner's journal said he was a time traveler, and that he sent the book back in time to warn us. It even quoted what you were going to say before you said it!"
Twilight continued to stare at her assistant. Fortunately, her stare was no longer one of confusion. Sadly, it was now the stare that somepony would give when confronted with a crazy pony--one that she had been on the receiving end of more than a few times during her tenure in Ponyville.
"Spike, I told you that book was fictitious, right?"
"But Twilight, it matched what you were going to say word for word!"
Twilight sighed, but Spike continued with his rant.
"The book said that they can't move when you're staring at them--whatever they are--and that they'll kill us if they can!"
"Spike," Twilight said with a facehoof, "which comic book did you read this time?"
"Twi, I'm being serious here!"
"Spike, there's nothing down here."
"But Twi--"
"Spike!" The mare stomped her hoof, her voice tinged with exasperation. "There. Is. Nothing. Down. Here!"
There was silence for a few moments, before Spike sighed.
"Okay..."
The mare nodded, and moved to escort her charge back to the stairs.
"Come on. I'll get you a--"
Twilight found herself staring at one of the cardboard cutouts. Somehow, it had moved to right in front of the stairs. She glanced back over at where the rest of the cutouts were, and saw all of them now missing.
Spike was quick to mirror his caretaker’s observations.
“Twi…”
Looking back to the stairs, the duo saw that the cardboard cutout had moved, and had been joined by another. Both were looking at the pony-dragon pair with Xeno’s normally cheerful smile, seemingly euphoric in their ability to move.
“S-Spike?” The mare licked her inexplicably dry lips. “What did that book say about ‘Them’, again?”
Quickly looking behind her, Twilight spotted a cutout not two feet away from her. Its placement only served to add emphasis to Spike’s response.
“I-it said they can’t move if we’re looking at them.”
The studious mare noticed that the cutout was pointing at the only light source in the basement. Of course, looking at the lightsource meant she wasn’t looking at the cutout, and the small instance it took her to look at the light was enough time for another to join the first. Oddly, this new one seemed to have one of its hands placed over its mouth, as though in laughter. It only took Twilight a second to figure out what the first was implying.
“Did the book say anything else about how to stop them?”
The light flickered, and Spike looked up at the light-gem. He quickly looked back down at the stairs, and saw the cutouts had advanced towards him. He tried to fight the dryness in his mouth by swallowing, and responded.
“It stopped before it got to that part.”
The light flickered twice more. Both members of the party avoided looking at it, but the darkness still allowed the cutouts to get closer. To both, it seemed only a matter of time before the cutouts succeeded in their diabolical task...
Faced with unwinnable odds, Twilight used the tried and true plan that had never failed her…
Running away!
“Spike, hold on to my leg.”
Feeling the dragon grab her appendage, she quickly gathered magic into her horn, and teleported both her and her charge outside of the library. Seconds later, the strongest force field known to ponydom was erected around the library as the young dragon was sent to retrieve a certain amber colored stallion.
Of course, as the dragon left, he made sure to yell over his shoulder.
“Nopony ever listens to the Dragon!”
“...Yup, she put a forcefield around the library.”
“Good!” Yelled the progenitor as his clone returned from checking a window. “Maybe now I can actually get some work done!”
As the majority of the clones returned to organizing the basement, the returning clone looked over Xeno’s shoulder.
“The history of the Bluebloods? Boss, isn’t that a little out of left field, even for you?”
The villain in white simply chuckled.
“Just wait and see, my dear clone...”
He smiled down at the page showing the Blueblood’s family tree.
“Just wait and see…”
“...And that’s why Time Turner isn’t allowed to write fanfics anymore!”
The twins looked up from the strange toy that the stallion in question had given them. The blue box was filled with so much clockwork, that the cakes had commented multiple times that it had to be bigger on the inside to fit it all.
Pinkie took note of them quickly returning their attentions to the box, and sighed.
“Maybe I should have tried the story about the wizard monkey with a lightning shaped scar…”
Chapter 9-1: This day is going to be perfect… Or The quest for Coffee
Dawn, classically defined by the humans as the first appearance of light in the sky before sunrise. In equestria, however, dawn is defined as the time when Celestia wakes up, and begins her day. The exact amount of time between dawn and sunrise, coincidentally, is usually determined by what strength coffee is currently available in the royal kitchens.
On this specific day, however, an anomaly occurred…
Dawn occurred long after the sun had already risen.
As a ray of sunlight fell over the edge of the windowsill, it, like most of its kind, struck unerringly at the exposed face of a nearby sleeping entity. The entity in question, murmured in annoyance before rolling over, and attempting to return to sleep. Approximately 3.216 seconds after this event, the sleeper’s eyes shot open to their maximum extent, and a white mare all but launched herself to the window.
‘Sunrise?! What?! How did--Who--What?!’
The solar diarch, Princess Celestia, stared at her embodiment of power in shocked disbelief--at least until her poorly thought decision caught up with her, and she was forced to look away with a yelp of pain. Fortunately, being an alicorn does have some benefits, so she was swift to recover.
’How did this happen? Is Discord free again?’
Quickly reaching out her magic, Celestia carefully took hold of the sun, fearful of any traps that the treacherous tyrant thoughtlessly might have placed. To one such as her, waking up after the sun had risen had only been a sign that great misfortune had struck during her slumber, and doubtlessly meant good news for all of equestria. In this instance, however, she was quickly relieved to find that it wasn’t the chaotic chimera that had raised the sun, but her own sister.
’Of course. She must have risen the sun for me since I stayed up so late last night.’ A small smile graced her face, and she made her way to the vanity placed within her room. ’I’ll have to be sure to thank her. If it wasn’t for her, I don’t think I’d be able to deal with the Nobles these days.’
A quick application of spells later, and the princess deemed herself ready for the customary trip to the kitchens. Truly, any fashionista would be jealous at the sheer simplicity of a spell to return things as they once were placed upon oneself after a thorough grooming session with the best minds of a century. To think, the only side effects of such a technique are only limited to a slight case of perpetually wavy hair due to continuous thaumic contamination--arguably a benefit in it’s own right.
’Honestly, they seem to become more of a nuisance every year. Redefining a word to legally challenge somepony to a duel? Oh wait, sorry, I mean a ‘match’. Dueling is now a competition between ponies with playing cards. “For reasons”, apparently.’
Celestia sighed as she reached the door to her room. ’Hopefully they won’t start thinking of me as some sort of omnipotent god, again. If I hear somepony say “Praise the sun!” one more time, I think I might just turn myself to stone…’ She opened the door, and greeted her guards as she walked past, one of them coughing after violently inhaling in surprise. ’I can’t help but ponder what sort of headway the Nobility would make if they actually focused on helping ponies rather than helping themselves to the royal treasury.’
“Your Highness?”
Looking back at the guard, Celestia quickly noticed that they both looked annoyed. Well, the one that had called out to her did, at least. The other one seemed to be in the process of choking on his own spit.
“Ma’am, we would appreciate it if you didn’t teleport unexpectedly. It makes it hard to guard you.”
The mare stared at the guard for a moment, before hesitantly nodding.
’...Coffee first, guards acting wierd later.’
Resuming her sacred trek to the kitchens, her mind decided to aid her for once, and remained blissfully silent. Unfortunately, this just made the occasional cross look from the guards on the way all the more noticeable. Just as she was getting ready to decide to ‘buck the coffee’ and mare up to the thought of having to solve a potential crisis without one, her mother seemed to have decided to help her along by creating a sight that would bring lesser mares to tears, weeping for the sheer beauty of what now laid before her.
“MINE!”
The maid pushing the kitchen cart screamed and dove out of the way as the avatar of the sun all but flew into it. Seconds later, and the cart’s contents had been drained, and Celestia once again considered herself fit to be amongst the living. Incidentally, were it not for extenuating circumstances, the Minotaurian Diplomat would have declared war for the unlawful Equestrian piracy that had occurred to his morning brew.
“Much better,” Celestia said with a sigh. With her new state of awareness thanks to the heavenly brew, she took note of the cowering maid--and the guards who, for their part, were used to this sort of thing, and went back to glaring, mumbling with discontent, or choking on spit, respectively--and quickly sought to remedy the issue. “I’m sorry, my little pony, but I was desperate, and we’re only halfway to the kitchen. I hope you can forgive me.”
The maid calmed down enough to answer with, “O-oh, it’s alright your Highness. I-I’ll just go get some more.”
“Still, I shouldn’t have done that. It was incredibly rude of me.”
“No-No worries, Ma’am. We thought it was kind of strange that you just whent to the throne room earlier this morning without stopping by first, so I guess this was to be expected.”
Celestia’s ear twitched. “The throne room?”
“Yes Ma’am.” The maid dusted herself off, and turned the cart around, preparing to return to the kitchen. “You didn’t even ask for anything to eat. Some strangeness is to be expected, if you don’t mind me saying.”
Celestia found herself as still as a statue while listening to what the mare was saying. After a moment of silence, she forced herself to start moving again, and said a quick farewell to the maid before walking--not blindingly running through the halls as some of the traitorous guards might tell you, but stately walking with all the dignity that befitted her position as Ruler of Equestria--to the throne room. She then calmly and carefully pushed open the doors, causing them to fly inwards and NOT bang violently against the walls before their hinges broke and caused a secondary not-boom as they didn’t fall to the ground. Looking around the throne room, she took note of the nobles staring at her while she calmly didn’t catch her breath from the long walk…
...And an exact duplicate of herself on her throne, staring at her with surprise.
Once again, the world froze. Both of the diarchs--both the real and imposter--stared at each other. The nobles seemed to be trying to develop neck issues as they rapidly looked between the two. The guards were staring in confusion, uncertain what to do without a clear leader figure to tell them. The few servants, including Raven, seemed stuck on the idea of there being two of her, and finally, the odd reporters in the crowd seemed to simultaneously put quill to parchment and prepare to record whatever scandalous behavior was about to be revealed.
The stalemate was broken as two voices spoke at once, both pointing at their opposites.
“Imposter!”
Pinkie bounced around the kitchen, happily humming a tune about a mouse with a magic hat, when she suddenly fell to the floor as her legs seized in the middle of a hop. It lasted only a moment, but for her, that might as well have been an eternity.
“Mrs. Cake?”
“Yes, dear?” Came the reply from the front counter.
“Can I have the day off? Twilight is about to get a letter about needing to take a test, and I need to be ready to throw her a party.”
“Just be sure to finish up first. We don’t need a repeat of last time.”
“Hey, that wasn’t me! It was the evil villain living in our basement!”
“Whatever you say, deerie.”
Pinkie frowned, but did as her landlord asked and made sure that another calzone golem wasn’t going to spontaneously appear by ensuring that there were no calzones left in the kitchen. She would come to regret this decision, as the train she would take later in the day didn’t have a bathroom.
Chapter 9-2: I never asked for this... Or Nopony expects the Lunar inquisition!
‘This is Tartarus. It has to be. I must have died sometime during the night, and this is my punishment for some sin that I made against the Queen.’
This is what Worker 122 kept telling himself as he sweated bullets through his disguise as a royal guard. Sure, the day had started off just fine, but had taken a noticeable turn for the worst when someling, or rather, someone from his past had come back to haunt him. The fact that he was wearing a rainbow colored afro wig, and had a cardboard cutout face mask with a picture of Princess Celestia on it did nothing to change the fact that Xenolance, the dreaded villain in white, was sitting not ten hooves away from him.
’Okay, I can do this. Eyes front, back straight; hold that pose… See? This isn’t so hard!’ A quick glance was all he had allowed himself before returning to the act of pretending to be a living statue. ’Just ignore the insane hairless monkey, or the xenophobic guards! I’m sure nothing will go wrong, as long as I just hold this pose and pretend nothing is wrong!’
It had been like this for two hours--TWO HOURS--and so far, the only thing Xeno had done was ask for some bills for a stage rental to be forgiven, assign blueblood to lead the team trying to catch him, and otherwise act like he owned the place. 122 was sure that Xenolance would have been attacked by the guards by now, but everyone seemed to think he was Celestia! It was as if just putting on a flimsy piece of cardboard with a somewhat accurate picture of the person you wanted to be disguised as was all you needed if you wanted to impersonate the leader of the free world!
122 was understandably terrified of the implications of that thought.
Suddenly, the doors burst open. ’This is it,’ he thought to himself. ’This is where they realize their mistake, and capture him, before noticing that my disguise is half a shade too dark to be a guard! We’ll both be stuck in the same cell, and then--’
“News from northern Equestria!--Uh... your Highness.”
The guard who had slammed open the door ran to the foot of the dias and bowed. Xeno, who had been going over paperwork with Celestia’s Aid--Raven, if the mission brief was correct--simply passed the mass of processed tree pulp to her, and faced the guard that should have been arresting him.
“Yes?”
The guard took off his helmet and looked uncomfortable.
“I am simply to tell you that, IT has returned…”
Xeno continued to stare at the guard for a moment, before looking to Raven.
“Please send a chariot to retrieve Twilight. She should be able to deal with IT.” Raven nodded and turned to go, but Xeno stopped her. “Oh, and tell her... Tell her that it’s a test.”
Raven looked strangely at Xeno, before nodding slowly and walking off. The guard continued to sit there awkwardly for a moment more, before assuming that he was no longer needed. He put his helmet on, and made his way to the doors, closing them behind him as he left.
122 couldn’t believe it. Even after all that, they STILL couldn’t see him for what he was! Oh, and Xeno didn’t get arrested. That was also a thing.
Still, it would be lunch soon. He should be able to get away then, and forget that this had ever happened.
’As long as the real Celestia or that insane purple unicorn doesn’t show up, I may just live to report back to the Queen!’
As soon as the thought passed through his head, the doors to the throne room were violently thrown open, banging against the walls with such brutality that the hinges broke with a screech of metal. The doors slammed to the ground just as the Solar Matriarch ran into the room, and skid to a stop upon seeing a surprised human on the throne.
’Me and my big mouth…’
“Imposter!”
As both the real and fake princesses moved at once, their cry seemed to be the key to get the world moving again. The Nobles were broken from their gawking, and decided that they suddenly had pressing engagements that didn’t involve whatever new chaos Discord had cooked up on his presumed third release from imprisonment. The guards made half hearted attempts at protecting both Princesses--not from each other, but the sudden rush of ponies making for the doors--and the occasional courtroom reporter found themselves protesting as they were sucked out with the ‘noble’ mob.
“How dare you impersonate me!” Xeno shouted at Celestia over the noise generated by the exiting crowd.
“Me impersonate you? You’re impersonating ME” She called back as the last of the nobles managed to force their way out of the room.
Worker 122 and the hoofful of guards remaining in the room watched as Xeno and Celestia verbally sparred. With each insult, their barbs became more heated. With each gesture, they seemed to become more incensed. If both had been commanding armies rather than using words, the story of the battle would have been whispered to the young as a cautionary tale of woe.
’This is my chance’ Worker 122 thought to himself. ’Now I can get away while their both distr--’
“Sir,” the guard next to 122 said, nudging him with a hoof. “What should we do?”
The changeling stared at the guard for a moment, before saying, “Shouldn’t you ask your superior that question?”
The guard looked at him strangely, before gesturing to the rest of the gathered ponies in armor.
“If you haven’t noticed, Sir, all of our commanders left to deal with the crowd. You’re the only officer left.”
122 blinked, staring at the guard as though he had suddenly grown a wing out of his head. The guard simply sighed at his lack of action, and gestured to the ongoing verbal war.
“Just figure out which one is which. We’ll follow your lead, Sir.”
The changeling in disguise stared at the guard for a moment more with barely suppressed horror, before returning his gaze to the villain and the celestial mare. A particularly insulting phrase from Xeno caused the guards present to fold their ears back, but Celestia retaliated in kind, only aiding in belittling her own image.
‘Think, nymph, think!’ Worker 122 looked back and forth between the two arguing forces of nature, and tried to come up with a plan. ’If I leave now while both Xeno and Celestia are distracted, I’ll have a squad of guards following me! I need to distract the guards, which means helping them sort out this mess.’
The changeling sighed.
’And I can’t just say that the one being more hurtful to their queen is the imposter, because Celestia is doing it too. It’s almost like she can’t see through the monkey’s disguise either...Wait…’
122 looked back at the guards.
’If neither side can tell the difference, then...But then they would... Oh yes!’ The changeling smiled an evil sort of smile. ’I can use this! I can still get out of here scott free!’
’And all I have to do is--’ 122’s expression fell as he looked back at the ongoing battle with a sigh. ’All I have to do is help the stupid monkey.’
“Let's get this over with,” 122 mumbled under his breath, before turning to give orders to the guards that had wrongly placed themselves at his command. “Alright, follow my lead.”
122 laughed the laugh of someling who had just unexpectedly met death in a dark alleyway, and promptly kicked the specter in a rather sensitive place when informed that his time had come.
And then made off with his wallet and scythe.
The wind whipped past him as he ran down main street. Behind him, a large explosion enveloped one of the castle’s towers in a golden conflagration, causing it to collapse with a thunderous roar. Guards were swarming the Equestrian center of government, and nopony had noticed the lone changeling running away from the scene of the ‘natural disaster of celestial origin.’
’I can’t believe that worked!’
His mad laughter continued on, as he reminisced on his victory.
’A simple game of 20 questions! I helped overthrow the country with a simple game of 20 questions!’
122 panted, his hooves beating a staccato rhythm against the cobblestones. The wind whistled through the holes in his undisguised body as he made his way to the train station, not caring if anypony saw. If he kept up this pace, he should be able to make the four o’clock express to Dodge City, and from there it’s just a short flight to the badlands and out of Equestria. Foolproof!
’In fact,’ the equinoid shapeshifter thought to himself, ’Unless one of the Princesses randomly drops out of the sky, I don’t think anything could possibly stop me now!’
And thus, as dictated by Murphy’s law, the changeling had only a few seconds before Princess Luna descended from the heavens on an ebony chariot, wreathed in dark blue spider silk and linens that left a black fog with its passing. Once landed, the vessel bounced from the combined weight of the passengers aboard, depressing the steel springs impregnated throughout the center of the construct only for them to release and throw the frame into the air with them.
122 had but a moment’s warning in the form of the screaming lunar diarch, before her bed slammed into him on its fiery exodus from the castle at the behest of its renegade villain hijacker. He could have used that moment for anything--cursing the name of his queen; vowing his undying vengeance against the villain who continued to torment his existence; have his life flash before his eyes would probably be the classical choice for one in his situation.
122, was somewhat of a purist, however, and so took the choice that is almost universally picked by all in his position before being rammed by a runaway futon.
“Ah, ponyfeath--”
Fortunately, he lost consciousness upon impact, saving him further humiliation at the hands of the villain in white.
“Comon, girls! We’re going to be late!”
“Yeah, yeah.” A polychromatic mare waved a hoof in a pink mare’s direction. “We get it already.”
“But we’re going to miss the party!”
The train car was silent for a moment, before a fashionable mare spoke up.
“Darling, aren’t you throwing the party?”
“Not That one!” A pink hoof was pointed out a window towards the city of Canterlot. In the distance, a brief flash of light could be seen, and a tower on the palace started collapsing.
“Wait, what?” A purple, booksmart mare looked out the window of the car and gasped. “Xeno! I bet he’s behind this whole thing!”
“Now don’t be silly, Twi” a southern twang rang out. “I betcha it’s just another changeling invasion or somethin’.”
“That makes it even worse!” The mare’s perfectly straight hair started to become disorderly. “I’m going to go have the train’s engineer speed us up! We can’t let him get away!”
Chapter 9-3:Rise of the planet of the chimps Or How not to escape from a castle: vol. 2
“Are you kidding me?” Xeno taunted his opposite. “I bet that even with that disguise, you still wouldn’t be able to get a date!”
“Excuse me?!” Celestia responded with outrage. “I’ll have you know that King Sombra himself once desired to court me!”
“Oh, spare me! Even if you were old enough to have done as you claim, everypony knew he had a thing for wings. Looking at you, I’m honestly surprised that you managed to fit that flank of yours into that disguise.”
Celestia turned a rather interesting shade of red and made to retort, but was interrupted by one of the guards interposing themselves between the two princesses.
“Your highness!...es,” he began. “I understand that you both feel that you’re the real Princess Celestia, but this arguing is only going to result in Discord getting set free once again.”
Celestia flinched, and quickly calmed herself, as ‘Celestia’ nodded ‘her’ head slowly in agreement with the guard. After a moment of silence, the guard continued.
“Now, to circumvent the release of the chaos spirit, I propose a simple test to prove which one of you is the real one.”
The Celestias looked at each other, before returning their attentions to the guard.
“What sort of test?” One of the two asked.
“Oh, nothing too complicated,” The guard assured. “Just a set of questions. The one who answers the most correctly, is obviously the real Celestia.”
Again, the diarchs looked at each other, before seemingly coming to a conclusion.
“Proceed,” they both spoke at once, creating a stereo effect.
“Right… First question!” The guard seemed to think for a moment, before holding up a hoof. “What is Princess Celestia’s favorite story?”
Princess Celestia smiled. “Th--”
“The Wonderful World of Worldly Cakes from Around the World,” the ‘Princess’ interrupted at high speed, silently thanking his quick memory and a certain purple pony’s diary.
“Correct!” The guard chimed as the real Princess blinked in shock. “Next question: how much cake does Princess Celestia eat each morning?”
“Well, all things in mod--”
“Fourteen slices each of whatever’s available in the kitchens.”
“Correct again! What’s Celestia’s Birthday?”
“It’s rather rude to--”
“The first of July.”
“Correct! Who was Celestia’s first romantic interest?”
“How do you even--”
“Starswirl the Bearded.”
“Correct! What’s Celestia’s favorite flavor of tea?”
“I DON'T LIKE TEA!”
The room was silent for a moment after Celestia’s outburst, but the guards quickly pointed their spears at her with various yells of ‘imposter.’
“Wha--”
“Foolish imposter!” The lead guard smirked in victory at his ploy having worked so easily. “Everypony knows that Princess Celestia loves tea! She drinks it every day, for goodness sake!”
“That doesn’t mean--”
“SEIZE HER!”
A split second later, and the Diarch of the sun was under attack from her own guards. The masculine duplicate stood for a moment, staring at the dog pile in shock for a moment, before muttering a near silent ‘huh’ under his breath. A moment’s hesitation later, and he was running down the corridors, using the distraction to escape before the mixup was inevitably discovered.
“What is all the--Oh, Auntie!”
’Oh, this should be fun’ Xeno thought to himself as he found himself suddenly being escorted by a white unicorn, who was scrambling to keep up with his rapid pace down the hall. ’If even half of the stuff in that book on his genealogy is true, then this should be easy.’
“I’m quite busy at the moment, Blueblood. Is there something I can help you with?”
“I was just hoping you would reconsider my earlier proposal about throwing that horrid mare from the Gala in the dungeons. Such a barbaric nag should have no place--”
“I’m sure I’ve already told you that’s not going to happen, Blue,” Xeno said with fake exasperation. “The commoners would never stand for such an ‘abuse of power’ from any of the nobles, and there isn’t much either you or I can do about that.”
The white unicorn--now identified as Blueblood--seemed to wilt as he was once again denied what he felt was his rightful vengeance.
“Instead,” the ‘mare in white’ continued, “I have a different idea for you.”
Xeno stopped, and faced the unicorn directly.
“In the same town as that mare you love so much, there is a certain creature who seems to be tormenting my faithful student. Normally, I’d just throw her at the problem and hope for the best, but there are other things that currently require her attention. I’ve placed you in charge of the task force to apprehend it.”
In a lower volume, Xeno continued. “And if you happen to spot a certain mare whom just happened to wrong you in the past, I’m sure you’ll be well within your rights to question her thoroughly about her possible involvement with the creature at large, hmm?”
Blueblood gave a beaming smile, and bowed at Xeno’s feet while spewing all manner of praises to ‘her’ glorious rule. After a short while of this, the unicorn then ran back the way he had come.
’Well,’ Xeno thought to himself. ’That went well…’
Just as the unicorn reached the corner back to the throne room, the first of many explosions rocked the castle, throwing him against the wall.
”I am Princess Celestia! I have seen more centuries pass than years you have existed! Remove thy hooves from me now, or suffer my wrath!”
’And that’s my cue to leave!’
Luna, Princess of the moon, and Diarch of Equestria was well known among the land. She guarded the dreams of foals, protected her subjects from the creatures of the night. There were songs written of her proficiency in battle, and poems to the beauty of her night sky.
There were also innumerous jokes about her ability to sleep through everything. Much to her continued annoyance, the changeling invasion did nothing to help in this regard. Just last night, she had even caught the captain of her night guard making a joke about her, commenting that nothing short of the moon crashing into her bedroom window would wake her.
Needless to say, that particular guard was now serving in a more… Pleasurable fashion.
“Oh, yes!”
A groan was heard in the bedroom of the Lunar Diarch. The curtains had been drawn, and incense filled the room with the scent of burning Cedar from an ash catcher atop Luna’s blue vanity.
“Lower…. Lower!”
Only a small swarm of candles, dispersed throughout the room at random, provided any light for the two figures on the lavish four poster bed. A cart stood next to the bed, covered in all manner of bottles and a large bowl filled with grapes.
“Oh, it’s been too long since I’ve done this!”
“Your highness, must you make this sound so...Vulgar?”
“Oh hush.” Luna responded chastising. “It has been over a thousand years! I am entitled to this!”
“And I have no qualms with that,” the guard captain responded, “but must it be ME who gives you a massage? I’m sure there are ponies who are much better at this than I.”
“Ah, but they didn’t jest about their glorious princess, did they?”
The guard sighed, and pressed his hooves into a particularly tangled knot in Luna’s back. Simultaneously, a grape was levitated to the royal mouth with a deep blue glow, matching one similar around the royal horn.
“And once you are done with this, then perhaps I--”
Luna wasn’t able to finish her thought, as the room was shaken in time to the sound of an explosion downstairs. Muffled yelling was heard, and distantly an alarm from the barracks had begun wailing outside.
The princess and the guard captain looked at each other, a silent conversation passed between them with a raised eyebrow and a shrug. A moment of silent conversation is all that it took for the guard to sigh, and move off the princess’s bed.
“I’ll go check it out.”
Carefully extracting himself from the spider silk linens and pillows, the guard finally leveraged himself off the bed, causing it to roll a bit on unseen castors. Luna watched him long enough to ensure that he would not tangle amongst the linens, before laying her head back down on a convenient pillow.
‘We really need to do this more often’, the lunar diarch thought to herself. ‘We are especially impressed with how controlled his technique is! From what we have learned, we expected much more… enthusiastic motions.’
The mare hummed in contentment as the guard pushed a catering cart out of his way on his quest to the door. ‘Come to think of it, perhaps Tia would also wish to partake--’
Just as the guard with cart in tow reached the door, it burst open, sending both flying with one atop the other. Luna looked away from the spreading pool of oils and other sented fluids just in time to see aforementioned sister running at her full tilt and take a flying leap.
“Wait! NoNO!”
‘Celestia’ landed on the bed, imparting most of her momentum to it. It wheeled itself out the nearby door and onto the balcony, where it stopped against the railing.
“Tia! What doth--you’re not Tia.”
“HALT RIGHT THERE, CRIMINAL SCUM!”
Luna looked away from the now revealed villain in white, to the hallway. She was just in time to see her real sister cast a spell, uncaring for the surroundings of her target. A split second later, and all was obscured in smoke and ash.
Luna screamed.
“How the hell do you steer this thing?!”
Xeno attempted to steer the bed down the road, dodging carts and lampposts. His efforts were not entirely successful, as evidenced by the unconscious changeling and large amount of dead plant matter now covering the footboard. He glanced at the princess of the night, and quickly decided that she would’nt be of any help.
“Watch out!!”
Xeno quickly returned his attention to the streets in front of the mobile bed, just in time to swerve it out of the way of a cabbage vendor.
‘Okay, maybe SOME help…’
The bed’s speed accelerated as they took a curve in the street, and started going downhill at a steep angle. This only increased the frequency at which Xeno found himself being yelled at by the lunar diarch.
“Left! LEFT!”
“I see it!”
“HALT! IN THE NAME OF THE PRINCESS!”
Xeno spared a quick glance upwards to see a pegasi guard flying just above the bed.
“No thanks, already have one!
“Wha-OMPH!”
A quick toss of of a pillow, and one conveniently placed shop sign later, and the guard was no longer a problem.
“CLIF!”
Two seconds later, the bed flew out over the abyss of Canter Mountain.
Two hours later, one human, changeling, and princess of the night sat at the edge of a forest. A smoldering camp fire was between them, and the human had a stick with a foamed surger substance at the end suspended above. Crickets chirped as the calm of night surrounded the group, the princess’s moon suspended overhead.
“Well, that went well.”
“We would like to disagree.”
“Oh relax. The clones will be here quickly enough--with the exception of the one taking your place, of course--and then you can start your vacation.”
The Princess gave the villain in white a scathing look. “We wish you had told us of your plans before your actions had destroyed our bedroom. It will take us forever to put everything back the way it was, to say nothing of our sister worrying.”
The villain sighed. “Look, you paid for a distraction, I provided the distraction. You get some time away from the nobles, I got to get some bills paid off and temporarily take over Equestria.”
“Wait, thou didst what?!”
“And! And we got a free changeling out of the arrangement!”
Xeno gestured to the still unconscious changeling while ignoring the mare’s icy glare. The silence continued for a few moments more, before the villain’s marshmallow caught fire.
A group of six mares stood at the exit of the train station. Guards were swarming everywhere, and a trail of destruction made a path from the palace to the city’s edge. Panic reigned as the solar diarch flew to and fro, looking for her missing sister and tearing the city apart doing so.
“Dang it! We missed him!”
Twilight began stomping in the direction of the castle, nearly turning the air blue with muttered curses and threats to the general well being of a specific humanoid mammal. The other mares from the group looked at each other a moment, before Pinkie yelled out in joy and ran over to join a group of ponies looting a store.
“...So,” finally came a hesitant question from a buttery colored mare. “Should we… Should we follow them, or… Or what?”
“Well, Trixie,” Twilight says while looking smugly at her opponent, “looks like my amulet is more powerful than yours– Hey! Give it back!”
With a quick application of magic, the azure-colored magician forcefully parted Twilight from the magical amulet she had been given. The power-mad Trixie laughed as she held the amulet above her triumphantly.
“With this amulet, I shall now rule all of Equestria!”
As Trixie brought the amulet to her neck, she moved to take the Alicorn amulet off. Just as she was about to undo the latch, however, she hesitated.
“Wait… If I was great and powerful with one amulet, then with TWO amulets, I will be The INVINCIBLE And UNSTOPPABLE TRIXIE!!”
Quickly positioning the newly acquired amulet above the first, her mad laughter reached new heights as Twilight and her friends looked on while dumbstruck. After a moment, Twilight tried to regain control of the situation.
“W-wait! That’s not right! You’re supposed to take the Alicorn Amulet off first!”
“Why would The Mighty and Beautiful Trixie do that? This way, the Godly and Omnipotent Trixie can rule over all of Equestria with ease!”
“But the whole point of the duel was to get the Amulet away from you!”
The Exaggerated And Multi-Titled Trixie stared Twilight a deadpan expression.
Twilight and Zecora landed outside of Ponyville a second before the glass dome re-asserted its existence over the village once again.
“Ohh,” Twilight groaned as she adjusted to sitting on her flank and rubbed her muzzle. “Now what?”
“I have no idea what to do about this,” Zecora replied, “for such an action I did dismiss. For her to think she could use both necklaces at once, I find it hard to think of a greater dunce.”
“What?! But this was your idea! How did you not see this coming?!”
“Be at ease, Twilight; do not fret. We will return, of that you can bet. For this, however, we will need something more, even if it something you will likely abhor.”
“It can’t be worse than Trixie.”
Zecora’s smile in response was forced as she led the purple mare back into the Everfree.
“Zecora, we’ve been here for hours!” Twilight complained from the corner of Zecora’s hut she had situated herself in while having surrounded herself with Zecora’s limited amount of books. “We can’t just sit around, everypony is depending on us to come up with a solution!”
“It won’t be much longer, my dear Twilight, for we have only to wait until the night. Once the sun falls below the trees, we have need to only appease. The one we seek will come then, and with his help, we can try again.”
“Wait, he? Who’s—”
Just as Twilight had begun to ask, a knock came from the door. Zecora gave an unsure glance at Twilight before she made to answer it. She opened it a crack, looking out to make sure it was safe, before pulling the door wide open so Twilight could see the new guest to Zecora’s hut.
“Hey, Zecora. We have more powdered sapphires if you’re willing to trade for more poison joke extract.” A distinctly humanoid figure ducked under the door frame as they walked into the room. “Xeno also wanted to see if you could give us any—”
“YOU!”
The clone of Xeno stopped short at Twilight’s exclamation as she nearly burst into flames on the spot. As though confronted with a wild animal, the clone froze like a deer that had suddenly found itself in front of a speeding mass of metal and oil with incandescent lamps ashine.
“Oh shi—”
“Do you have any idea what your ‘Boss’ has put me through?!” If looks could kill, Xeno would be conducting a funeral. Twilight stomped her way up to the clone but found herself stopped short of her destination. “Zecora? Wha—”
“Instead of tying your mane in a knot,” the wise zebra said, “you should stop and give this idea some thought. What better way for this situation to end, than for another villain's help to descend? To be able to reverse this continuing trend, you will need to be able to make a new friend.”
“No! I absolutely refuse,” Twilight stubbornly glared at the clone who was subtly trying to escape, only to be stopped by a stripped hoof grabbing his shirt. “I know that I said nothing could be worse than Trixie, but I was wrong. Literally anything could be better than Trixie EXCEPT XENOLANCE! If the idea was to get another more powerful villain to help us out, I would have settled for anypony other than him! Discord would have been a better option! Sombra would have been a better option! Ponyfeathers! I would have settled for cloning Trixie and then asking the clone to deal with Trixie!”
“Wait, wouldn’t that only double the troub—”
“SHUT UP!”
The clone’s jaw clicked shut as he not-so-subtly moved behind Zecora out of fear of the Purple Mana-bomb in the making.
Zecora calmly laid a hoof over Twilight’s shoulder, stopping her from reaching past to get at the clone. “Set aside your frustration and see this with a different view. Without his aid, then worse trouble will ensue! Asking for his help is worth a shot. Is Xenolance truly more deplorable than that szot?”
Twilight paused and looked at Zecora in confusion. “What the hay is a szot?”
Zecora only frowned at Twilight for changing the topic, before gesturing her head towards the clone behind her.
After a moment’s thought, Twilight sighed in defeat. “Ugh, fine.”
Carefully stepping out of the way, Zecora let Twilight approach the clone.
“Take me to Xenolance,” She commanded, “I need his help to get rid of Trixie.”
“Uh- well- I mean, I don’t think the Boss would really appreciate it if I willingly lead you to him when he’s actively trying to avoid you… so uh-”
The clone paused as he noticed one of Zecora’s larger metal cauldrons levitating in a purple aura. Twilight had a strange expression on her face that could best be described as ‘Eager.’
“S-so, uh…” The clone tried to lean away from the mare, even though she was but a fraction of his height.”I-I’ll need some sort of guarantee that you won’t… You know… Try anything?”
There was a loud clang as the cauldron fell to the ground.
“Like what?”
“Uh… Oh, I know! Pinkie promise!”
“W-what?!”
“You know!” The clone, sensing weakness, pushed the attack. “One of the promises that the Pink One ensures is upheld?”
After a moment of wide-eyed shock, Twilight gave a defeated sighed and cleared her throat.
“I promise not to arrest Xenolance…” Twilight mumbled before lowering her tone. “Not like I’d need to, anyway. Celestia put together an elite guard unit to hunt him down.”
Somewhere in Canterlot, Blueblood sneezed.
The clone nodded but motioned for her to continue.
“...Or give him away.”
“And?”
Twilight blinked in confusion. “...And?”
“And the vivisection?”
“W-What?! I wouldn’t do th—”
The clone crossed his arms.
“...Okay, I promise I won’t dissect him either. Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.”
The clone stared at her a moment before he nodded with satisfaction and turned to Zecora. “I’ll send someone else by later to finish our trade. Now, Booksmart, follow me.”
“It’s Twilight!” corrected the mare as the pair made their way out of the hut.
Soon after the pair had left Zecora realized that Twilight hadn’t cleaned up after herself.
“This is it,” The clone said, gesturing to an old barn just past the outskirts of Applejack’s farm.
Twilight looked at the decrepit building she had been presented with. The paint was faded where it hadn’t peeled off the walls, only showing a hint of the original red coloration. There were holes in the walls where the wood had rotted away, allowing glimpses of the dark interior of the building, and the entire structure smelled faintly of rust and decay.
“...Are you sure?”
“Yeah. This is it, alright.” The clone nodded to himself as if confirming his point. “Come on, let’s get inside.”
The door to the barn gave off a loud creak as the clone pushed past it. Twilight hesitated for an instant before following him. The interior was as bad as she imagined it would be.
Sunbeams lanced through the shadowy interior, causing the dust disturbed by their presence to form hypnotic patterns as it twisted and danced in the breeze of their passage. The smell of rot and decay only intensified, and here and there on the rotting wooden floor was the decaying remains of old farm equipment.
In the center of the barn’s space, there was a hole where the floor had given out. The sun’s light shined through a hole in the roof causing a spotlight effect to highlight the hole’s presence as if Celestia herself was trying to draw attention to it. The clone was leveraging himself into it by the time Twilight had finished her short sightseeing.
“Here, I’ll help you down.”
As she got closer to the hole, Twilight saw that it dropped into an old cellar of sorts, with a long stone stairwell leading into the dark. She looked at the clone who was fumbling with an odd-looking tube, only to be blinded by it as the now obvious flashlight turned on.
She let out a whinny of surprise and pain, and almost fell over the edge of the hole if not for the timely intervention of the clone.
“Whoops, heh. Sorry.”
She glared up at the clone from her position in his arms before he set her down on her hooves at the edge of the stairwell.
“Come on,” he said, pointing the flashlight down the stairs. “This way. Oh, and watch your step. Whoever made these stairs did it in a hurry.”
She huffed, before following the clone as they descended the stairwell. After what seemed like an eternity (but was in actuality more like five minutes) they finally reached the bottom of the stairs where the ground leveled out. Metal faintly glinted at the edge of the area lit by the flashlight, and she found herself entranced by it.
She trotted over while igniting her horn to get a better look, and was confronted by a large metal gear. It was large enough that with three of her standing on each other’s back, she still wouldn’t be able to reach the top with her hooves. There were places with rust on it, and it appeared to be solidly placed in some sort of slot built into the wall. In the center of the gear, placed where anypony could see it, somepony had painted a large number two.
“I-is this your lab?”
“What?” The clone looked over from where he stood next to the wall of the cavern, nowhere near the gear. “Oh, that? Nah.”
The clone used the flashlight to illuminate a much smaller, much more ordinary wooden door. It looked like it could have been from any of the houses from Ponyville, especially with the inclusion of a mailslot and brass knocker. The clone pulled a key out of a hidden pocket and proceeded to unlock and open the door, causing light to shine out and illuminate the cavern.
“Bwah?! But-but then what’s this?!”
“I dunno.” The clone shrugged. “That’s always been there. The Boss said to just ignore it. ‘Sides, thing gives me the creeps.” The clone stepped through the door. “You coming or what?”
Twilight hesitantly gave the gear another look, before following after the clone.
“Now, don’t mind the mess.” The clone closed the door behind Twilight. The room beyond the wooden door was dimly lit and looked a bit like a living room that had been visited by the CMC sometime in the recent past. “We’re still trying to clean up after… Well…”
A moment of silence passed.
“A-anyway!” The clone put on a smile that even Twilight knew was fake and tried to give off an aura of cheer. “The Boss should be this way!”
The bookish mare followed the mirror-pool abomination through one of the side passages into a hallway. She heard the sounds of merriment and relaxation from ahead, and both she and the clone soon found themselves in another, larger room.
This one was much larger and well lit. Immediately to her right, she saw another clone reclining in a chair against the wall, reading what appeared to be the Foal Free Press. A bit off to her left, a clone seemed to be working with what appeared to be some sort of advanced electronic device of some sort, although he appeared more interested in the foal toys he was playing with on top of it.
“...And we shall call it… This land!” One of the toys ‘said’ as the clone held it. A second toy looked to the first. “Well, I think we should call it your grave!”
Further off to her right, about halfway between the entrance where she stood and the back wall, was another clone that was positioned at a desk piled high with paperwork. The clone looked like he desperately needed cheering up by Pinkie, as he was grumbling angrily at a paper that was in front of him before balling it up and throwing it over his shoulder to land in a heap of similarly balled pieces of preprocessed and pressed plant preserves.
“No, no, carry the one four pages back and this becomes division by zero.”
Finally, up against the back wall and working with a strange thaumic display was the villain in white. He muttered angrily under his breath as he drank from a small cider keg with the apple family logo on it, intently studying the three-dimensional display hovering above a desk in front of him as he reclined in a tall-backed chair.
“...Encrypted engineering that requires the user to be intoxicated before it makes sense. Who even does that? HOW do they do that?”
The clone leading Twilight waited patiently for her to take in the sights. Quite quickly, however, the clone reading the paper nearby decided to interrupt.
“Hey.” The clone with the paper used it to gesture to the purple mare. “Number Five, why is crazy purple here?”
“She just wants the Boss, Number Four.”
One of Four’s eyebrows made a climb towards the heavens. “Doesn’t she always?”
“Yeah, but,” The now identified Five motioned with his hands towards the mare, “She promised not to turn him in, see?”
“And this changes things how exactly?”
“It was one of the PINK ones.”
“And just like that, we should trust her?” Four asks, eyebrows knotting together in a glare.
“I’m right here, you know,” Twilight mumbled loudly enough for the clones to hear.
Both clones looked at her, the proverbial pink elephant in the room—or purple mare, in this case. Five looked at Four.
“Look, can she go see him or not?”
Four glared at the mare a moment more before waving dismissively at Five and returning to his paper. “If it blows up in your face, I’m going to point and laugh. The Boss always wins against her, anyways.”
Five grumbled but ushered Twilight closer to the Villain in White. As they passed the clone playing with the toys, the machinery lit up and started making noises. The clone attending it quickly dropped the toys and started frantically pressing buttons.
“Boss! Boss! The sensor detected an equine incoming on our location! It’s a few miles out, but—”
Xeno sat up from his reclined position with a near-silent curse, tossing the keg away in the same motion as he leaned over the desk to see the clone better. “Is it the CMC? I knew it was only a matter of time before they found us again!”
“No boss!” Neither the clone nor Xenolance noticed Five and the pony in question conspicuously standing in the middle of the room. “I think it’s the crazy purple one!”
“That’s almost as bad! How far is she!”
“The scanner says...ten miles!”
Twilight sighed before trotting towards Xeno.
“Wait! Twelve--No, fifteen! She’s going away, and moving fast!”
“Xeno, we need to--”
“HOLY F--” The villain aborted cursed before a thud interrupted him.
Xeno grabbed his knee while making a hissing noise with his teeth. He gently massaged it while reflecting on his newfound lack of ability to walk. Or to not be in agony. Or the possibility of desks being invented by someone who particularly hated knees.
Once he had the pain under control, he looked up at Twilight. He gave a glance at the sheepish clone at the machine with a muttered comment of ‘fifteen miles, huh?’ before directing a sour expression at the pony invader and her escort.
“Number five?” Xeno eventually asked, attempting to delay destiny. “Why is she here?”
“Well,” the clone in question said while tugging his collar, “You see, Boss--”
“Have you been drinking hard cider?” Twilight interrupted, pointing at the keg that was forgotten in the corner of the room.
Xeno sighed and bowed to the inevitable. Looking at the mare, he said, “Look, just putting up with you ponies on a day to day basis requires some brain bleach at the end of the day, okay?” With a final check of his knee to make sure it wasn’t going to inexplicably break on its own, he once again reclined in his chair. “Even worse, that idiot Connery seems to have encrypted all of his designs somehow so you can only make sense of them while inebriated.”
“Connery?”
“You know, Connery!” Xeno gestured for a moment as if trying to think of a missing word. “Tall-ish guy? Human? Ring any bells?”
Twilight tilted her head and looked at the villain like he was a...Well, a drunken villain.
Xeno sighed before continuing. “The other guy at the dance-off? Invented this thing?”
Xeno grabbed a strange device that was leaning against his chair and wiggled it in the air for Twilight to see. After looking at it awhile, she made a vague horse noise of recollection before she looked back at the villain with the expectation of him to hurry up and explain his debauchery. With a glance at the device, he did so.
“...Actually, did I ever pay him back for the trouble he caused me?”
Or maybe not.
“No sir,” the clone with the newspaper known as Four spoke up, having been listening in. “I don’t think you did.”
“Huh…” Xeno looked lost in thought for a moment before shrugging. “Get the dimensional home coordinates off this and input it in the MOOCH. Invert the polarity, target His dimension, and take out the trash, would you?”
The clone folded up his newspaper with a smile and walked up to the villain in white. “Sure thing, boss.”
Aw man, what a good night's rest. This is the first time in a long while since I've ever woken up so peacefully.
Stretching my arms and legs, I gave another yawn before getting out of my bed and sliding the window open.
“Ah, feel that breeze!” I shouted energetically, “The sun is shining, the birds are chirping! There's a whole world out there waiting for me to steal it all for myself!”
Stepping away from my window, I took out my non-child-unsafety scissors and started cutting up my bed. After tearing a big enough hole, I rummaged around inside to grab my evil scientist uniform and dusted away the feathers and memory foam.
“Evil Literal Closet Bed. So wasteful, yet so worth it.” I nodded proudly at my sheer abominable-size genius.
Donning my suit, I strapped on my Evil Goggles™ and struck a villainously heroic pose on the edge of my now ruined bed.
“TODAY IS GONNA BE A GOOD DAY, I can feel it! Nothing could possibly ruin this feeling! ABSOLUTELY NOTH-”
I felt something heavy hit me from above, throwing off my balance and cause me to face plant into the floor as heavy object landed on top of my back.
Struggling to drag myself out, I only just barely managed to escape the confines of this spontaneous object and cracked my spine in the process.
“Jesus, what the hell?!” I grunted, rubbing my back.
Looking back, I finally realized that the object in question was a very large trash bag filled to the brim with empty cider kegs.
“Well, this seems highly improbable. Which says a lot if I'm the one saying it.” I scratched my head in confusion, wondering where in the world this trash bag came from.
A bright blue portal tore itself into the fabrics of reality and spawned another object into my room, this time a garbage can filled with crumpled bits of paper.
And then another portal popped out of nowhere and flung more trash. And another. And another. And another. And another.
It took about fifteen portals of random trash to fill the room for me to realize the truth of my horrible predicament.
‘Oh no… Portals? That's impossible!” I blanched, slowly backing away in fear, “This could only mean one thing…”
If there was a camera that was recording me during my daily slice of life routine, then it would be zoomed up extremely closely to my face right about now as I furrowed my eyebrows dramatically.
“Santa Claus.”
I slapped the offending camera away from my face since my breath was fogging up the lenses, before exclaiming, “I knew that old bastard would come for me one day… I just never expected him to attack outside of Christmas!”
With a theatrical finger pointing to the sky as a banana peel landed on my face, I shouted loudly, “NO MATTER! I will not let you have your vengeance, old man!”
I immediately ran to the window and slammed it close, before backing a few feet away for a head start and then jumping out the window.
*WINDOW CRASH*
“NAVAJOOOO!”
…
I climbed my glass-punctured ass back into my room and walked back over to my bed, picking up my non-child-unsafety scissors. “Almost forgot about you. A fully grown adult could get hurt using this.”
Pocketing the safety-hazard, I went back to the window and jumped out like a normal person this time.
Twilight looked on in confusion at the retreating clone, before shaking it off.
“This still doesn’t excuse you from stealing the cider from Applejack.” She pointed back to the keg. “I can see her cutie mark on the side.”
Xeno sighed. “Look, I don’t make the rules, I just break ‘em. I literally cannot understand this without being drunk, and Apple--Applejack, you said?--That mare makes a mean hard apple cider.”
“But it’s her livelihood!” Twilight pointed at the villain. “She needs every bit she can get!”
“Is that Twilight?” Came a voice from behind Xeno’s desk, interrupting his retort.
Xeno groaned while rubbing his face, stood up, and pushed his chair to the side to reveal an archway on the far wall from the door. In the revealed room beyond, Princess Luna reclined on a decadent sofa while being fanned by a changeling with a palm leaf. Luna looked out and over the desk and smiled at Twilight.
The smile was perfectly counterposed by Twilight’s gobsmacked expression.
“Ah! Twilight! ‘Tis good to see you once again!”
“P-Princess?!”
The lunar diarch motioned the changeling away--though it only managed a foot or so before a chain prevented it from going further--and stood up, walking into the main room. As she passed Xeno she glanced at him before dismissing him and smiled as she arrived in front of her sister’s protege.
“Tell us, how fairs thine friends?”
“P-Princess, what are you doing here?!” Twilight stuttered out, recovering as quickly as she was able. “WHY are you with HIM!”
Luna followed the pointed hoof to Xeno. She seemed to quickly make some sort of connection, and her smile became strained.
“Ah, that… You see, we...Well…”
Luna sighed and facehoofed.
“Please don’t tell Tia…”
Xeno noticed Twilight was about five seconds away from committing treason so he decided to step in if only to not have to clean up the inevitable mess afterward.
“Look, Purple,” he said, stepping in between the two mares. “Luna here got a bit stressed by her return to society at large and needed a vacation. She sent out some scouts to find a place to take a vacation, and they mistook us for some sort of exotic resort. She contacted us, and she’s very happy with her vacation, right?”
Luna nodded, quickly catching on. “Tis true!”
Twilight stared at the duo for a moment, before admitting defeat with a sigh. It only took her a moment before she returned her stink-eye to Xeno.
“This doesn’t excuse you from stealing Applejack’s Cider.”
“Oh, for the love of--” Xeno wound himself up for a monolog. “I need it! Do you have any idea what that device of Connery’s does?! With its technology and my MOOCH, I could--”
“I don’t care!” Twilight interrupts. “You’ve been a pain in my flank for MONTHS, and not only are you stealing from Applejack, I can’t even tell her because Trixie has taken over Ponyville!”
“What?!”
Luna pushes Xeno to the side and puts her front hooves on the desk, staring down at Twilight. “What dost thou mean ‘Taken over Ponyville?!’”
“Trixie came back and used the Alicorn amulet to take over Ponyville!” Twilight, happy at finally making some headway into her problem, goes full steam ahead. “She used it to beat me in a magic duel, and threw me out before she put a giant dome over it!”
“Treachery!” Luna snarls. She thumps her forehoof on the desk before turning to the Villain in white making his way to his feet. “Xeno! We demand that thou aid in the liberation of Ponyville at once!”
“Oh no!” Xeno dusted himself off and waved dismissively at the mares. “I get wanting friends and time away from your sister, but nothing was said about being at your beck and call! Besides, I’m busy.”
As if on cue, number Four had returned and handed Xeno the device from earlier.
“Do you understand the potential this has if I can figure it out? I could--”
“Ifist thou helps,” Luna interrupted, “We will assign Twilight to aid you in your… Research.”
“WHAT?!” came from two different sources.
“I can’t help him! He’s a villain!” “She won’t help me! She’s a hero!”
Luna glared at the two and began yelling. “SHE WILL help you, and WE will have Tia order it once YOU have liberated Ponyville!”
The booksmart mare and villain in white looked at each other as Luna stomped her hoof in finality on the desk, and returned to her couch and her lounging, solidly preventing any further argument on the matter.
“...Right, Smilight--”
“Twilight,” Twilight automatically corrected.
“...Twilight. Let’s go somewhere less…”
Luna yelled at the changeling, who scrambled to fan her once again.
“...Lunar.”
Twilight only nodded while trying to get the ringing out of her ears.
Xeno entered his lab, quickly followed by Twilight. Walking up to a table in the center of the room, a map of Ponyville flashed itself into existence with a fishbowl covering it.
“Alright, you said her name was Mixie?”
“Trixie.”
“Right, right.” Xeno rubbed his chin and leaned over the map. “So, obviously the hero thing isn’t going to work or Luna wouldn’t have told me to help you. With that in mind, let’s start with the obvious. Have you tried to kill her yet?”
“WHAT?! NO!”
“What?” Xeno looked at Twilight with confusion. “Why not? I mean, get that it won’t work in this dimension but to not even try is--”
“I’M NOT GOING TO KILL HER!”
“But--”
“NO!”
Xeno sighed and returned to the map.
“...Have you tried seducing her?”
Twilight’s jaw dropped and a blush formed on her muzzle, gobsmacked at the suggestion.
“You know, if you can’t beat ‘em, join em?”
Xeno only had a moment to duck as one of his computer cabinets flew through the space his head had previously occupied.
“Right, that’s a no. Got it.”
As Twilight regained her disposition, Xeno hummed.
“You know, you could just tell Tia about it and have her deal with it.”
“I’d rather have my friends back in one piece and not be in magic kindergarten, thank you.”
“Well, what about Luna?”
Twilight stared at Xeno for a moment, before pointing at him.
“Oh, right.”
After a moment more of thought, the villain sighed and leaned over the table.
“Well, other than sending the trio after her--which, to be fair, is too cruel even for me--I’m out of ideas for the moment. What about you?”
Twilight stared at him with a deadpan expression.
“I’m not the villain here, you are. I’ve already tried everything I could think of, and just look where it got me!” Twilight slumped to the floor. “I wish she would just go away…”
“Oh! Now that’s an idea!”
Twilight sighed and nudged the cardboard on her face. “Are you sure this will work?”
“Well,” the villain adjusted a knob on the device he was holding and glanced at his heroic counterpart. “It hasn’t failed yet for reasons that are still currently beyond me, and this transponder I hooked into the MOOCH should take care of the rest if I can just get a clear shot.”
“...MOOCH?”
Xeno stopped and stared at Twilight. “...Didn’t I monologue the plan yet?”
“No.”
“...Right. Okay.” Xeno sighed and rubbed his hand against his face, pushing his mask out of the way in the process. “Okay. Just think of the MOOCH a bit like a magpie attached to a bungee cord. It grabs things from other dimensions and pulls it back here. The downside is that it has the same attention span and penchant for shinies, so while you can direct it to some extent it occasionally doesn’t work like you want it to.” Xeno sniffed and rubbed his nose. “We only really figured out that much ‘cus it kept giving us hotplates and silverware instead of a free lunch. Still got the lunch, but devalued eating utensils at the flea market in the process.”
Xeno returned to adjusting the device he’s holding. “With this, I can tell the MOOCH to do the opposite and push whatever it’s pointing at to another dimension instead--a process that’s thankfully simpler and thus more reliable--and then...Trixie? Trixie won’t be your problem anymore.”
Twilight looked at the device like it was a party cannon Pinkie purposefully overpacked with party paraphernalia.
“Now come-on. The sooner we get this done, the faster you can go back to your friends, and I can get back to work.”
Xeno re-applied his mask, grabbed his transponder, and with Twilight in tow walked out of the woods and up to the shield. A small, square device was produced by the villain and quickly attached to the fishbowl. A button press followed by a high pitched whine and a flinch from Twilight soon caused an area of the construct to disappear. Xeno walked into the area where it used to be, picked up and pocketed the dropped device, and walked into the previously protected space.
“Huh. I didn’t think that would work.”
“What WAS that?!”
“Anti-harmonic conversation white noise generator.”
“A what?”
“It--”
“Hold it right there!”
The pair turns to see a golden stage being pulled by two foals approaching them at a snail’s pace. After an especially long and awkward wait, the vehicle finally arrived and Trixie dismounted with mana flowing in her wake. The pair held still, fearing for the worst until Trixie walked right past them and stood just inside the area where the town was breached.
“Who dares invade the Omnipotent and Omniscient Trixie’s Domain?!” She yelled at the forest.
Xeno glanced at Twilight, before pointing the device at Trixie. A click is heard, and Trixie disappears with a ‘FWOMP!’
Twilight stared at the spot Trixie was a moment ago, before removing her mask and looking at the squirrel's face printed on it with a confused expression.
“Well,” Xeno muttered to himself, pulling off his own beaver print mask. “That takes care of that.”
“Huh.” Twilight finally said, returning her stare to the spot where Trixie once stood. “That was surprisingly easy.”
Trixie landed with a resounding thud as the blue portal spat her out in a dark messy room that was filled entirely to the brim with garbage.
She groaned as she rubbed her head and moved to stand up, only to trip on something slippery and slide down the mountain of trash she was on top of.
Rolling into another rough landing, she coughed away the dust and tried to stand up again, this time with less hassle.
Looking around her new environment, she became awfully confuzzled at the fact that she was currently residing in a small bedroom that looked exactly how she imagined a pigsty would look like, except worse.
“Where in the world is the Imperious and Exalted Trixie now?! What sort of teleportation magic brought the Pure and Godly Trixie here?!” She yelled at no one, except the vast amount of trash in the room.
“TWILIGHT SPAAAARKLEEEE!”
Meanwhile, in a few thousand floors below her, a humanoid-shaped robot jerked awake from the noise coming from the security cams. He adjusted his hard-hat and patted his yellow-coated metal body, before sitting up straight in his desk-chair.
The minion-bot (that’s what they’re called by the way) narrowed his artificial eyes as he checked each individual camera to discern where the disturbance came from, setting his sights on one single room.
Da Boss’s room. Like how a Sicilian mafia member would say it. ‘Somethin’ is up with da Boss’s room.’
The screen showed him a most peculiar image of a strange blue-ish unicorn pony madly screaming as she fired lasers all over the place, destroying everything in the room except the walls and a detached kitchen sink.
The minion-bot blinked from the sight, seemingly unfazed by the situation. Then he brought his attention to a big giant red button on the corner of his desk that had labels of WARNING! DO NOT PRESS AT ANY COST! all around it.
The button in question had a small sticky note attached to the side, with written instructions made by his boss.
In event of Santa Claus, please disregard warnings. <3
The robot steadily moved his mechanical fingers over to the button and hovered over it as he watched the security cameras in thought.
“Hm…”
He looked back at the button. Then back at the rabid runaway unicorn that was literally foaming in rage. Then back at the note. Then back at the button.
“Hm…”
Maybe I should inform Connery…? Hm…
He continued to hum in thought as he hesitantly hovered over the button, eyeing the obviously not Santa-Claus in the room.
...
“Meh, it’s Christmas time somewhere in the world.” The minion-bot shrugged, before violently punching it.
Xeno looked at the purple mare with an expression akin to horror. “Oh, you did NOT just--”
A sudden thunderclap and Trixie once again stood where she had a moment ago. The madness beyond anger seen in her eyes was only complemented by her scorched and soot-stained appearance and the gibbering, animal-like noises that were being vomited out of her foam covered mouth.
“Oh,” Twilight said in a hollow voice at seeing the mare return. “Ponyfeathers.”
Xeno facepalmed. “Whelp, Plan C.”
“Plan C?”
Turning to look at Xeno, Twilight only saw a trail of dust leading back in the direction of Sweet Apple Acres. After a moment’s hesitation, she ran after him.
“Plan C is running away?!”
Xeno pulled a device off his belt, quickly fiddling with the dials attached to it.
“No, Plan C just has some AoE involved.” He held the device to his mouth. “Boss to Two! Boss to Two! Respond!”
A moment passed in which Twilight questioned ‘AoE?’ before a voice came from the device. “Oh, hey Boss! How did the hero thing go?”
“Two, not now!” A shout of rage came from behind them as a bolt of magic flew over their heads. “I need you to fire the cannon at the target!”
“Cannon? Which cannon, Boss?” “Cannon?!” Twilight said at the same time. “I told you we weren’t killing her!”
“The cannon we launched last week!”
“Oh! That cannon,” the clone replied.
“Yes! That cannon!” Xeno panted, not used to the exercise. “Fire THAT cann--”
Xeno yelped as a bolt of magic took the device from his hand in a shower of sparks.
“TWILIGHT!” came the voice from behind.
“Run faster!”
After an uncountable number of seconds later, the sounds of hooves behind them was interrupted by the world suddenly deciding to change to a brilliant shade of yellow as a thunderous boom crashed against their ears. Both villain and hero found themselves lifted off the ground as a shockwave blew past them, causing both to fall forwards onto the ground.
As quick as it had come, the catastrophe of sound passed, leaving a stunned silence in its wake. Groaning, Xeno and Twilight returned to their respective appendages as they stood up, and looked back as what had happened to the Incensed and Enraged Trixie.
“...Huh.” Twilight said, dumbfounded at the sight before her.
“YES!” Xeno decided to celebrate, having expected such. Still celebrating, he danced his way back to the blue figure lying on the ground.
“This! This was plan C!” Xeno celebrated. He picked up the small and foal-sized Trixie, only to slip the amulet off her now shrunk head. “Plan C, for Cute! I’m a Genius! HA!”
“Why was this plan C?!” Twilight was much less enthused and had different concerns. “How did you turn her into a foal?! WHY did you turn her into a foal?!”
“Simple, my dear Twiright!” Xeno held Trixie high, much to her growing protestations. “Like this, I can make cute videos of her and post them on the Internet, gaining fame and notoriety for weaponizing cuteness! Soon, no one will be able to face me for fear of the dreaded puppy-eyes!”
Faced with Xeno’s special brand of insanity, she asked the first question her mind latched onto.
“What’s an internet?”
Xeno’s laughter immediately stopped as annoyance replaced glee.
“What’s an int--are you serious?!” Xeno groaned. “This is like Christmas all over again!”
“...And that’s how Xeno Subjugated the Subjugator.”
As the mare finished her retelling, a pair of bored expressions stared at her. The silence that permeated the room and the poor lighting served to make the mare uncomfortable, causing her to start fidgeting under the apathetic expressions of her audience.
“...Indeed. Is that the end of your report?”
“Yes, your highness.”
One of the two members of her audience steepled his hooves together from his sitting position behind a large oak desk. The other sighed, and turned to the white-coated royal that most would know as…
“Prince Blueblood, it seems that we have greatly underestimated the villain.”
“It would seem so, yes. I suspected this would be a challenging assignment when Auntie selected me personally to attend to it, but when she slipped and mentioned my attraction towards the element of generosity rather than the pre-arranged response I should have known it worried her more than the norm.”
The Prince took a sip of wine from a conveniently placed goblet before continuing.
“Such a shame that Rarity wasn't informed of my cover during the Gala...”
Standing, the prince began pacing the room. “Queue, I’ll need some equipment for this; the good stuff. Ponyville is Agent Drop’s jurisdiction. Since we haven’t heard from her about this, then it’s likely she’s been compromised.”
The royal gaze is directed out a nearby window. “We are in for some interesting times, Queue. Interesting times…”
