I'm looking for a romantic story to edit. Feel free to PM me if you're interested.
Somepony is distracting Celestia. Somepony is making her day harder than it has to be. Somepony is going to make her do something stupid. Somepony is going to do all three.
This is my submission for the Random Romance March Deathmatch.
The cover art for this story comes from potessMLP's video: For a Muffin (A Derpy Short). GO WATCH IT!
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Not bad...Not bad at all..
Must not rob bank to get 7 billion, lol.
Well I think you should write a few more chapters. I would love to see how Dinky reacts to having the Princess at her house. That and I want to see how Luna takes the juicy new gossip after.
As for your imprompto OC's they where good and had enough charector in them. One thing though some times you messed up there names.
IE
A wry smile crossed Sun Glider's face, "Far longer since you have pursued anypony, eh? Say, a Thousand Years or so?"
That should say Honey Glider and
"Sounds a bit like a similar case with a purple filly. Don't it."
"Brass!" I exclaimed, "How could you say something like that about Twilight!"
That should say Copper.
Other than that I think it was good and i think you could easly add a few chapters more for the fun of it.
I must say, This. Was. PERFECT!
4163695 Whoops! Went and edited that. The characters were originally Sun Glider and Brass Kettle, but I changed the names. Looks like I didn't check hard enough.
Also there will be more, I'm just putting it in a sequel because submissions for Random Romance contest are supposed to be Completed.
Interesting. It's almost curious how many portions of our stories mirrored each other considering I didn't read yours and mine was published well after yours was.
Still, a good read. More serious than I trend towards, but still good.
4213844
Yeah, I was thinking the same thing when I finished your story. I think our writing styles, and pacing was very similar. Almost as if our stories were written by the same author, just when he was in two different moods. Your's when he was feeling slightly more humorous. Mine being, as you pointed out, a tad more serious. It shall be interesting to see which one comes out on top.
4214219 And after that inspiring line of thought, one becomes incredibly paranoid regarding schizophrenia.
But the voices in my head tell me I'm okay.
4215172
Wait a second... Schizophrenia actually runs in my family, and I totally would be one to joke about that sort of thing. Am I pulling a Fight Club?
4215550 Stop stop stop, this sketch has gotten entirely too silly!
I actually don't get the fight club reference, never saw the movie, although I know bits and pieces of the content.
Looks like we might be getting a late start this month anyway, the missing group announcements thing is getting a bit problematic.
4216974 You need to go watch fight club. It's like the best movie of the nineties. It will mess with your head!
But yeah, I think I'm going to add on a 'sequel' to this story rather than do this month's random romance. Unless it is something too awesome to resist, like twicord. I need me some sweet twicord.
So what is the sequel going to be called? If there is one.
Generally speaking, I'm liking this so far. Celestia and Luna's interaction was entertaining and grants just the right level of seriousness and pleasure, although my headcanon forces me to question the timing of the setting. One should never let headcanon get in the way of a decent showing, though.
I won't touch grammar. I hate when others point out my stupid mistakes where the entire universe can spot them even after they've been fixed, so I certainly wouldn't do it to anyone else. Plot is more my area, anyway.
My only serious plot nitpick is the 'love at first sight' nature of Celestia's interest in Derpy/Ditzy. I find it very hard to believe that a pony as experienced and capable as Celestia would let a passing glance sway her thoughts in such a way. If she'd actually met Ditzy and spoken to her for five minutes prior to going on her treasure hunt then I would have at least given it the benefit of the doubt. But this is all stemming from my firm disbelief in 'love at first sight'; those who don't care so much about realism in literary relationships eat the concept up (and, I suspect, outnumber me), so you win from that perspective.
I also think your dialogue could use a bit of touching up. What the characters said was generally fine, but the descriptors around the dialogue were telly and at times a bit redundant. There are times when it pays royal dividends to let the dialogue show the emotions, and there were many occasions where you could have done precisely that.
I can't readily judge your writing of Ditzy's character, as I've honestly not read a lot of stories involving her and never tried to write her character myself. That said, I thought her overall character was fine with what little we've seen so far. Her immediate familiarity with the princess strikes me as odd, but I'm coming to realize that it's a very common interpretation of the character, so it's apparently not a bad thing.
I intend to read the next chapter before very long. Looking forward to seeing Dinky!
4262732
Thanks for the comment! So I intended the timeperiod for this piece to start about 4 Months after luna's return. I should probably include that in the description. But yeah, I just re-read the first chapter, and i agree; I think i did rush Celly's feelings. Ugh. Writing is hard.
4242188
Still working on a title. That's been the hardest part of the planning i've been doing for this thing. I've already got the entire thing outlined loosely, but I've been waiting till the end of the random romance contest to start really writing. I have a short first chapter written, and the rest is planned out so once my little break is over I'll be throwing stuff up relatively quickly.
Okay, so I've read through Chapter 2. Your very direct and serious depiction of Ditzy completely defies everything my headcanon demands, and her confidence to Celestia's hesitancy really makes for a strange image. This is by no means bad; it's a new take on both characters that is strangely refreshing, even if it induces more than a few moments of head-scratching uncertainty.
That being said, I did find a few things to take issue with.
Firstly, tangents. There are times when you deviate heavily from the important topics at hand. For instance, the long conversation with Moondancer about Twilight. Okay, so we see that Twilight's grown in the past few months. What does any of that have to do with Celestia and Ditzy's potential relationship? If it serves no purpose regarding the main point of the story, why does it exist? One can argue that it is a 'realistic' conversation, and I am a staunch defender of realism in stories, but when realism gets in the way of the story itself it becomes a problem. So unless there is a strong reason to have this scene in the story (which I can't see), it doesn't really fit.
Now I get to the Luna bedtime story. That was a moment of great conflict for me. For one, it's another tangent. It's nice that Celestia's telling bedtime stories to Dinky, but it seems very early for such a step.
But that brings up another issue, which was the one I thought was the most apparent; emotion. To be honest, I just wasn't feeling it. This is partially due to how the dialogue was handled, and is very similar to the issues I noticed in the last chapter. But more important was your description, and this is something that you seem to go back and forth on in quality. For instance, in Chapter 1 you went to great length to describe the goings on of the castle dining hall – perhaps a little too much, as you spent a long time going over things that weren't necessarily needed. But then we get to Chapter 2 and, most importantly, Celestia's and Ditzy's flight back to the castle.
You devoted 360 words to the kitchen scene. Yes, I checked.
You devoted a mere 110 words to the night flight.
This means that you spent three times more (visible) effort on a bit of background info than on what could have been the most important and powerfully romantic scene in the entire story. If ever there was a time to go all out on the descriptions, it was during that flight. A bit of cloudskating and brushing of wings does not a huge impact make. Why aren't the stars twinkling in perfect harmony with the majesty and grace of their aerial dance? Why do the night winds flowing through their manes not mirror the tempestuous energy of Celestia's heart? This scene had a ton of potential that just... fizzled.
I'm starting to feel like a proper critic. I never liked that feeling (too mean), so I'm gonna stop now. Really, you've got a start to a great concept, and with some touching up this story could be a real gem. I'm interested in seeing where the sequel takes it.
oof. I probably needed that reality check, so thanks. I definitely need to do some major edits to this thing. Even when I wrote this thing I wondering if I was overdoing it with the dialogue descriptions, so I guess I should go back and whittle them down a little. I think I will also take your advice and cut back on Moondancer's dialogue; it only serves to distract from the real story. And I totally blew the night flight scene. Honestly, once I got them in the air my muse just died on me. Erato, why have you forsaken me!? So yeah, edits all around for this puppy. Anyhoo, thanks again for the criticism and comments Paul. You're helping out a lot with my writing. See you around!
Y'know... between you and ILurvTrixie I think I'm fast becoming a Derplestia fan.
This is really good and entertaining and all, but that's the end?
What a wonderful story! I'd love to see a sequel. Especially if we get to see Luna's response to all this!
... Sooooooooo... When's the wedding?
Please please please link me to your profile pic! It is amazing!
4727424 Yeah, I love it too.
Here yo go!
http://johnjoseco.deviantart.com/art/Look-out-for-that-Pony-280728288
You need to put a word like "hurting" after "spending their entire lives" because right now you don't have what they spend their lives doing.
Yay! This was a fun read and I really enjoyed it ^^ Derplestia for the win and I can't wait for more xD If there is going to be more T-T
Derpy gets what derpy wants
A top tier Celestia shipping and the best portrayal of Ditzy Doo I have read so far.
Welcome to the favourite shelf.
6804773 Woo hoo! Wait, this shelf is pretty high up, I'm scared now.
Doting-but-stern Momma Ditzy is absolutely the best way to write her. I'm a little surprised Celestia didn't botch it in some amusing way because she hasn't courted anypony in about ten centuries.
you have a talent. You were able to write a weird fic and make it amazing. Thoroughly enjoyed this. Officially Derp Horse approved
good job and keep up the good work! ~
But War... War Never Changes. Sorry, I had to.
Not that you've been here for a while, but I reviewed this fic recently. A bit of a mixed bag: some nice touches like Celestia's less deferential treatment in the kitchens, or the use of Sunny Skies. On the other hand, Tia's characterisation can wobble sometimes, and that Celtic-y character is more annoying than fun.