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A man by the name of Kriece lost his family and is losing his home, knowing he cant pay the house any longer he tries to commit suicide the day he loses his house but during the act he gets sucked into a world he already knows but not all is as it seems.

First Published
23rd Oct 2011
Last Modified
9th Jun 2012

ah-aha-ahaaaaa right... 2 ratings half star hey better than nothing? no wait or does that mean I shouldn't write it? lul I'm almost done with chapter three anyways, honestly 2 ratings and no comments why? I start to question the brony community so I don't know I'm still going to write whether or not you don't like it :3 and explain why you think it sucks yeah? this IS my first fanfic.

YOU NEED A PROOFREADER.

proofreader there we go lulz hey it's partially all my fault! wait....

I'm pretty sure that the princesses would ask for permission before transforming someone into a pony. Also, I do not see Princess Celestia talking to another about the birds and the bees. :facehoof:

You really need to rethink this story.

well then THANK YOU for commenting on my faults :P well with celestia im somewhat adding a troll-y side to her, think thats shes trying to hook me up with a pony :3 and on the story part well....what story? im thinking along as i write it lul

I got half way through this chapter, and have a few questions.

1: Are you trying to leave your every I in lower case?

2: why don't you pop some commas in there, my brain needs air too.

3: the dialogue is... lacking in personality. this for a reason?

It could be great, but the grammar errors just scald my eyes.

1. I didn't use spell checker, my fault

2. sorry I used "and" a little bit too much

3. I'll have to check and fix them thank you

if you find anymore be sure to shove it in my face :3 thanks again

:yay: Awesome~ Your ideas are great. You have a wonderful imagination. A wonderful one, indeed~ Though, I honestly think you should have stayed in school for obvious reasons. >,>

chloe? SCREW YOU CHLOE, I DON'T NEED YOUR SARCASM HERE!

Good story. I like the plot. (bad pun intended) now to the problems. 1. Speling i understand if you talk in slang (ex. Gawd) but celestia? 2. Pony transformation. Just saying. Little fast but she have a god reson. 3 comas. (this thing              ,      ) i se it more then in the first chapter but still.   Thats all. God story and i reeeeeeeeely like your irony, self inserson. All those little notes :D and the whole finger thing. Keep being epic!

Thank you,

the whole Gawd thing is well of a personal matter, replacing god with gawd cause im religious and i do the whole "not taking the lords name in vain" deal, and on Celestia? was it the eager mc beaver part? cause i didnt find anything slang-esque in her dialoge

now when i was thinking of this story i was going to do a self insert, which it kinda is, but my life right now isnt really that "anything", i couldnt find a way to implement my current self into the story so i decided to fast forward myself to the age of 25. Everything leading up before my marrige is true everything after that is something i made up, so in a sense this is an OC self insert(weird right?) and now back to the original statement, i turned myself into a pony that fast into the story because well, wouldnt it be kinda of a power  trip sorta deal? i mean cmon bro, FINGERS! overpowered when compared to wings and horns and i guess built bodies of earth ponies.

Ah yes.... Comas....i freaking hate them, as you read i got out of school at the age of 14 and never went back so my writing skills and below even 5th grade standards (i havent written a story since 3rd grade and even then it was only 5 pages long at most 1.5K words) but i try by myself with no help whatsoever because thats just how i roll, smokin sick lone wolf style <~~~oh gawd what did i just type, im to lazy to press backspace and if ido ill lose my momentom writing this and then itll turn into one big cluster-f**k anywhooooo....

and again thanks appreciate a few people liking my story! chapter 4 is coming up by the way, itll be awhile (1-5 weeks uhg) cause i got some, and by some i mean ALOT, of family problems between me and the rest of my family plus problems dealing with work issues and what not, oh and relative problems....odd that problem is.....

You where right about celestia. My wrong :p and by self insertion i ment that you whrite like you are there and dont try to hide it. Especaly whith the little notes like when "you"where on luna :D  its like what the author of Throuh the eyes of another pony.        I have read things in that style before and love it! Go brony! Hope all your problems turn out alright! (sorry aboute gramar and spelling im on my phone and dont care aboute all the mistakes :p)

oh alright then

aha yes, i believe that a self insertion does require you to think that youre actually there, and thats what i do and honestly everything i say and going to say, everything i did and going to do is true to the things i actually say and do if i were in that position, i wont throw away anything id actually do and replace it with some emotion or action i dont do to make the story better cause if i did theerson in the story wouldnt be me after all (or er well he isnt age+experience wise but the same when it comes to personality).

ive read alot of fanfic and i always found the little notes to give a little insight on the author and character to give a better understanding on who he/she is and to give the reader a feel for the author and character ya know?  

Thanks bro i hope they resolve as well, and right now i do have time for myself so im going to be writing chapter 4 in peace,which i might get done by tonight and posted here :D and i dont mind the grammar lul when its on a phone its resonable.

I'm going to give a 5 star because I love your friggin attitude. xT It was impressively funny in a cruel sort of way.

I'm the kind of person that laughs at small baby kittens getting kicked in the face full force by a professional soccer player.... No i'm just kidding, i'm terribly horrified. Anyways, iz good. *thumbs up*

Lul thanks for the 5'er I appreciate it! I never really had a compliment towards my attitude that means alot man

I wouldn't actually enjoy a soccer player kicking kittens but I do love dark humor, I find hilarity in the worst things lul Why'd the boy drop his ice cream? because he got hit by a bus! "jokes" like those I would find funny as hell but if said to another person they'd might break into tears reminiscing about a child or grandchild or relative that was young and died by getting hit by a car, if that were to happen I'd run my ass out of there cause I'd burst out laughing at that.

I'll be writing chapter 5 tomorrow(maybe depends) by the way! hope you'll like it

Haha I agree stab well with your unicorn horn.:eeyup:

I somewhat understand what you mean

♫♥I look forward to reading what happens next in your story♥♪

you sound like a computer

PS: "


" Leaves as line

([ h r ] (No spaces) Incase the above failed)

K... I'm bored now... Sorry, I cannot keep reading this. It hurts my brain and eyes.

#25 · 160w, 14h ago · · · Mooning ·

hell if I knew o(^▽^)o

First chapter was... ok... but now its more like a trollfic.

Grammer man. Use it.

#28 · 160w, 8h ago · · · Mooning ·

Trollfic? It is an alternate universe sir

no such thing as grammar.

Your grammer is improving young padawan. :moustache:  :facehoof:

He's taking this well. i would have been like:

#31 · 160w, 7h ago · · · Mooning ·

>>22955

Yes there is. USE IT, GODDAMIT! USE IT OR I WILL PERSONALLY COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND RAM YOUR FICSO FAR UP YOU ASS THAT YOU CAN TASTE IT!:flutterrage:!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#32 · 160w, 7h ago · · · Mooning ·

>>22955

Yes there is. USE IT, GODDAMIT! USE IT OR I WILL PERSONALLY COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND RAM YOUR FIC SO FAR UP YOU ASS THAT YOU CAN TASTE IT!:flutterrage:!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#33 · 160w, 7h ago · · · Mooning ·

Somehow, this brings the lolz. :derpytongue2:

I think it's ok, but the caps make darn hard to read.

#34 · 160w, 4h ago · · · Mooning ·

He's taking it well because it's how I'd act, OC self inserts are crazy like that.

You have no idea how far up my ass this fic already is. Writing really takes my reading time away and it tears me apart to choose which one I'll start doing.

Does it bring lulz? I try to implement my personal humor in the story but I didn't think people would find it funny other than me. Great though, atleast I know my humor isn't so dry.

#35 · 160w, 4h ago · · · Mooning ·

and on the CAPS LOCK, sorry if I used so much of it, kinda needed to use it. How's it a problem anyways?

#37 · 159w, 6d ago · · · Mooning ·

huh who're you?

Wow! I have read a ton of fanfics and yours is really well done. Especially for it being your first one. This is really getting me exited as I now feel confidant to start my own I already have a few ideas. :pinkiehappy:

I just have to say this...

It reads like it was being told by Pinkie.

>>24426

Thanks I'm happy that I motivated you, hope it comes out better than mine!

>>24568 Are you kidding? Yours is great! I would be lucky to get around as good as yours. MOAR!

>>24570

The way the sentences are structured.

You're lacking in commas and seem to have a single emotion per section of each chapter.

Much like Pinkie Pie.

If you go through again and place commas as according to what makes sense, add more emotion per section, it would seem less told by Pinkie.

>>24771

Trust me if you put your mind to it the fic you are going to write will indefinitely be better than mine

>>24782

1.Commas are my worst enemy. I honestly don't know jack shit about how to properly make a sentence and what goes where. I place commas where I feel it does, I know it's a worse than amateur move but hey I only got up to 8th.(Oddly enough they only taught me how to write a story back in 3rd and that was the only time I ever learned but after so long I forgot everything.)

2.each situation calls for a different emotion and I'd perfer to show off who the character is with his emotions and what he goes though when he's angry, sad, et cetera.

>>24793

1: http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/commas.htm

2: What I mean is, you are sticking to a single emotion for too long, it's not dynamic enough.

not dynamic enough huh. I'll see what I can do, thanks.

I really like this story.....first...:moustache:

>>28713

first? first for what? first person to like it? well actually that goes to Meta Knight even though I believe He/She/It is a computer, have you seen the comments it leaves? It's the same thing and it favorites every freaking story that comes out. I bet it's skynet ready to send pony fanfiction to every computer in the world. :pinkiecrazy:

>>28713 He was the first one to rate chapter 8 :).

I do not want to sound like a grammar nazi but really do try to get a proofreader to help you. This lack of commas and the subsequent 'stream of consciousness' writing style makes this fanfic far too difficult to read. Really! I stopped reading at about half of ch. 1. Sorry - I just can't - the commas are killing me. If this lack of them serves any purpose I have failed to get it... As I can see that you want to get to this story finished and actually read and answer our comments, I will refrain from giving you a mark :).

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