I'm Roscoe! I live in Maryland and I love you all.
After Rainbow Dash's house is foreclosed, she moves in with Twilight Sparkle, who vows to help Rainbow get her life back together by getting her into the Wonderbolts. While Twilight helps Rainbow pursue her dreams, Rainbow helps Twilight fend off nightmares. But as time goes on, Twilight and Rainbow start to wonder just how much control they have over their lives and their futures.
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4041479 Bigger is better!
D'AAAAWWWWW
this is so good, rainbow is my fav pony and I love how you made her act like she would in the show, this story is awesome and I cant wait to read more
keep up the fabulous work
4041479 Hahaha, beautiful. Thanks for the heads up, I'll change it when I get home.
Events feel like they move a bit quick, but I'm enjoying this. Can hardly wait for the next chapter
Holy pacing batman... I mean... wow, ever heard of a transition? Not everything needs to be separated by a page break like that, it can just be a transition in the writing.Transitions are used to both slow the pacing, extend the chapter, and give some much needed context to, well, everything. Transitions allow you to more accurately gauge a character's emotional state before the next big event. So far, this looks more like a rough plan than an actual story. This is the skeleton without the flesh connecting the bones. And as good as the bones are, they lack the muscle of proper descriptions. Seriously, when describing a scene, which you should be doing pretty much every scene, you include as many senses as you can. You want to pull the reader into the world you've created. Instead of being pulled in, it feels more like a slideshow of pictures. Descriptions are what make a scene memorable. Transitions are what grow and connect the world so it feels like a movie, not a series of pictures.
Oh, and why the hell weren't her friends at either of the competition? You can't just have AJ say "sorry we weren't there" and expect that to make an excuse for everyone for both competitions.
4076827 oh jeez, I read it again with that in mind, and you're absolutely right. It's likely the result of me writing this story entirely on my smartphone and one scene at a time when I get the chance. I'll be sure to write the next one on a computer and I'll be a bit descriptive. The pace slows down story-wise next chapter anyway, with only a few hours between scenes. Thank you for the feedback, I hope you'll stick around for the best chapter.
Conclusion?
As in... t-the end? Already?
derpicdn.net/media/W1siZiIsIjIwMTMvMDMvMTUvMDRfMDRfMzFfNjE2XzI3MDk0OF9fVU5PUFRfX3NhZmVfdHdpbGlnaHRfc3BhcmtsZV9hbmltYXRlZC5naWYiXV0/270948__safe_twilight-sparkle_animated_reaction-image_floppy-ears_nervous_twitch_512e852fa4c72dda5300015d.gif
No. No no no no no. If next chapter is your conclusion, unless it's more then 10K words you're going way too fast or cutting out something really important.
I feel the Checkered thing was resolved far too easily. If she's as afraid of him as you make her seem, then she'd be much more hesitant to stand up against him.
Rainbow would not give up because of two broken ribs. I know how painful a broken rib can be through firsthand experience, but she would insist that she compete anyway. She would do whatever she could to fly in the competition.
That thing with Rainbow getting drunk went nowhere and was totally pointless. You could have taken it so many directions, and yet you just left it, sitting there, being useless. A waist of space.
So many scenes in this chapter just feel... half-finished. If you explore each of those ideas to the depth they truly deserve, this chapter could be split into, like, 5 chapters of approximately equal length.
Back to the thing with Checkered Flag, the language you use is all wrong. "picking on her" is totally understating what's going on here. If it's enough to make her that scared, he'd have to be down right beating her, or at least a kind of psychological pain that's much worse than any meager insults that would classify as "picking on her". And a video tape of them "arguing" is totally worthless as evidence of any kind. And, to top it off, paying someone to not do something isn't even illegal. it's not blackmail, and the way you describe it it's not abuse or assault or anything that breaks the law. She willfully accepted the money to not compete, and he said some mean things to her. Tell me where the law was broken?
How the hell is the next chapter the conclusion when the romantic feelings have barely started developing? Twilight's nightmares seem to be totally forgotten. There's been no updates at all on why Twilight keeps having those panic attacks.
Before a competition, you would not all be practicing your routines in the same place. It's so easy for one to steal another's routine, especially if they go first. They would have to be either designated certain times to practice, or they'd have to specially request it.
And... I'm too tired to point out anything else. Think about what I said.
4107665 nooooo!!! I don't want a conclusion, it can't end now (well I guess it can since you're the author but that's not my point ) this story still has a bajillion things that could happen!!
4107665 oh, how could I resist the sad and disheveled face of best pony? I'll keep it going, since you guys seem to be enjoying it.
Wow, taking rainbow out, I did not see that coming! keep it up!
Continuity please.
Twi's panic attack was crazy well written man. I've only had one before, but when she started having hers it was like going through it all over again.
4120398
it's her dream I guess she can dream of being a princess
That's funny "carpet-induced trance"
My redundancy senses are tingling.
When is next chapter?
Yay this was a great chapter it made me smile.
I can't wait for the next.
Excellent work! I haven't seen a single lapse in POV or tense.
Also, I liked Luna's little "shrink conversation" with Twilight. It takes an intelligent and wise author to write intelligent and wise characters, and that tells me something about you.
I'm enjoying this rather complex scenario as well. Keep up the good work!
I don't want to pester you, but...will there be more of this soon? I'm really enjoying it!
Okay... Great story, but... Did you have to add that in? I really like your story, but next time please refrain from adding your own personal opinions. It really kills the story. I'm a socialist so I'm sorry if I sound like a jerk, but it's for your own good that you don't do something like that again.
So is this story dead...or what?
4108708 so is this story dead...or what?
“I’m going to make sure you never fly again.” He says quietly, holding up the butcher knife. He begins to bring it toward High Flyer’s outstretched wings.
Sounds like a different version of cupcakes
Really good chapter! Hope this story does get continued... Be a shame for it to die now
Well yet another wonderful story I can add to the list of the dead. What's here is great and at least it got to them getting together.
9623877
Actually...
I see what you're doing here. Waiting 6 years in between chapters so I have to reread the whole thing to pad your view count. You think you're so clever, don't you? /s
10025774
Just wanting to make me look dumb I see. Damn necromancers.
Great to see it finished though.
6896326
Nope
That ending was so cute.... Freakin' nerds......
Thank you for coming back to wrap this one up! Absolutely looking forward to whatever you may write in the future. (and bonus points if you've got any more twidash rattling around in there)
5918953
how so?
10038757
Oh buddy if I knew the answer believe me I would tell you. I suppose the only thing I can say is that that was me from almost five years ago getting worked up over literally nothing.
My apologies to the writer for being an ass about it btw.
10038765
Haha, I never took it personally, I'm just glad you read the story!
Lmao you’re an inspiration to us all.
Glad you’re back my dude.
I don’t really have strong feelings one way or another about this one, but have a thumbs up for actually finishing it after six years.
I. LOVE. IT. AWESOME ENDING I LAUGHED WHEN THEY MENTIONED RARITY!!
i think a kiss just after entering the caroussel while rarity finisha little thing would have been very fnny, seriously, she, being oblivious of it, look at her door and see two of her friends kissing while they were "just" friends helping each others less than two montha go.
Princess Twilight?
I think it is not fitting here.
Oh! I did not know Rainbow Dash liked opera!
Hahahahahahahahaha!
This sounds oddly like… Cupcakes HD
.