• Member Since 4th Nov, 2013
  • offline last seen March 19th

Intet22


Not much to say really. Fourth year Comp Sci student that is mediocre at a lot of things. Coding, drawing, stories, MTG, you name it. Diagnosed with multiple sclerosis 6 or so years ago

E
Source

Applejack and Rainbow have been secretly dating behind their friends' backs for a couple of months. However over the course of time Rainbow has found the farmer constantly making excuses to avoid her, and it seems that she is too busy for anything. It's a peaceful day, Rainbow is just taking it easy, doing her job just like everypony else, when she gets word that Applejack wants to see her right away. Unfortunately the news is terrible... It turns out that the mare of Rainbow's dreams had been lying to her all along...

Everything seems like it is spiralling out of control for the poor peagsus, and she seeks refuge in the one friend that she knows that will help her in time of need. Will Rainbow be able to piece back the parts of her broken heart? Will the now destroyed friendship between Rainbow and Applejack, be able to go back to normal after what happens? Does Applejack deserve to be forgiven for what choices she has made?

They say when one door closes, that another one opens... But why must some doors cause so much pain and suffering when they close?

Author Notes on story:
- First story so it may be a little bit terrible... But hey you got to make mistakes before you can improve
- Some editors acquired! Special thanks to jlm123hi , Kodeake and monkhm for taking the time to edit this. (Just started editing, so please be patient. I am trying to edit as well so it will be an interesting process)
- Cover Art was actually made by me which is nice
- Feel free to comment, always appreciate feedback

Chapters (10)
Comments ( 157 )

Ahh, a new TwiDash. Looking forward to reading this.

Oi, mate, did you click the wrong character tags? It suggests TwiDash but is tagged Rarity?

3856671 Oops my bad. New here and everything and just missed it. Thanks for pointing it out

this isn't a bad try for your first story. it's actually pretty good. of course, there are places where it could be polished up, but most stories you see from first timers are really crude. either improper punctuation, lots of misspelled words, bad pacing, a mixture of the three, etc. so i'd rate this a 7 out of 10.

Twidash where Appledash bites the dust? where do I sign?

3857433 Yeah I did. Most of the artwork is going to be by me if I can get it drawn up in time. The avatar picture was so much fun to draw, so goofy and enjoyable. Glad that people are enjoying the story.

Yes... yes... burn Appledash.... burn.... BURN TO THE GROUND!!!!

*ahem* sorry. Least favorite ship...

Anyway, onto the story Couple things.

"Y'all" should be spelled with the apostrophe right after the Y and before the A, since it's technically a contraction of "You all". Most cases in this story you had it between the A and the L or sometimes no apostrophe at all.

Second... you need to use more contractions, especially in speech. Without them the characters are more at-risk of sound OOC and can even sound robotic in a way when everything is stated so clearly and concisely. Not even Twilight talks like that.

Other than that.... good job. The bit with Twi and Rainbow at the end was all a bit fast; I doubt highly Rainbow would have told Twi something was bothering her, but Twi would have figured it out and pressed, at which point Rainbow would have started telling her

Oh, and I don't think you have to correct meaning of the word "astrology". Astronomy is the study of stars and general outer space stuff. Astrology is.... well... things like tarot cards, psychic readings and horoscopes, something any scientific and logical person would laugh at.

I know it hurts now, Rainbow, but AppleSmack never deserved you. Just think; you'll be together with Twi soon.... then it'll all be so much better for everyone..... YOU FEEL THAT APPLEDASH GROUP!? THAT IS YOU BURNING TO THE GROUND WHILE I WATCH FROM A LAWN CHAIR SIPPING A COLD DRINK.

I'm protective of best ship.... shut up....

Comment posted by RDFTW deleted Feb 3rd, 2014

“Are you sure? I can stay at a hotel here if it is a problem.”

Or... ya know... she could stay at her own house.... which she could... ya know.... fly to....

Anyway, as others have pointed out, quite a few missing words and the odd grammar mistake, but nothing too bad, especially for your first fic.

And since everyone seems to be giving a number rating, you get 3.14/Flabble. Yes flabble. I'm starting a petition to get that to be a real number that makes Pi an even number. Don't question me.

And you feel that, Appledash? That is your ship's smoldering embers being squished under the all-mighty hoof of Twidash.

3857628 Yeah I never did like that part, but I couldn't really find a good way to phrase it. Went back over it and made some changes now that you pointed that weird line out. That hatred for AppleDash though... Definitely don't want to step on the wrong side of that. I obviously like the TwiDash ship the most (as most of my drawings are TwiDash), but AppleDash isn't that bad, at least in my opinion.

3857686
Hatred might be a bit strong a word for this.... maybe..... okay no... it's hatred.

Bleh, I can't take any other ship other than Twidash. I'm not one of the guys who activly go around hating it, but among my fellow Twidashers I'm allowed.

Anyway, glad I could help :pinkiehappy:

Good start, I'm really interested, hope you update soon.

3857694 what about ships that don't involve Twi or Rainbow? Like Scootabelle? :unsuresweetie::scootangel:

Damn it, ANOTHER on the Read Later list. I'll be back, and I have high expectations.

I skimmed through this last night to be sure it was TwiDash, but didn't have a chance to really get into it. Now that I have a little bit of time, I'm gonna go ahead and give our latest featured TwiDash fic a scathing review critical reading. Now, I can see this is your first fic, so I'm gonna be extra scrutinizing here. I think it's one of the better ways to help new writers learn a few tricks and improve their writing, especially when they have some potential (which I think you have). So, just bear in mind that this is all meant to help you and not discourage you in any way.

Something must be a little off Rainbow Dash thought to herself.

Pretty sure you didn't mean for the last part of this sentence to be in italics :derpytongue2:

In a couple of minutes Rainbow as over Sweet Apple Acres,

Think you're missing a word here.

You also seem to be going back and forth between "I" and "Ah" with Applejack's dialogue. Both are fine, it just helps to be consistent with whatever version you want to use.

aien’t

*ain't :P

All y'all care about is yourself

This could just be a nitpick (which I do sometimes), but I see "y'all" as used when addressing multiple people. When just addressing Rainbow, I'd think "you" would suffice.

peagsus's

Gesundheit.

“Ah was just trying to help ya”

Missing punctuation at the end of this sentence. I've spotted this elsewhere later on in the story, but I won't point them all out because lazy.

Out of the distance she saw one clear beacon of salvation, one place where she knew that she could be safe.

I know I shouldn't complain because we're all gettin' TwiDash out of this, but I need to ask: why is Twilight's the beacon of sanctuary for Rainbow? I get that Rainbow more than likely has feelings for Twilight at this point, but for the reader it's a good idea to clue us in on why she feels safer at Twilight's than at any other place. Is it because Twilight's always had her back? Maybe because Twilight's always been there to listen to her? Idk (which is why I'm asking you).

Twi please stop treating me like some lab experiment.

I think this is meant to be a piece of dialogue judging from what Twilight says next, but for whatever reason it's ended up as an italicized sentence.

Celestia was eventually to talk some sense into me

Methinks you're missing a word in this sentence.

Overall this is interesting. Some of the flow and phrasing was a tad clunky and awkward, but this is your first fic and so far you're doing quite well. And yeah, Applejack was more than a little OOC for my tastes, but I can try to forgive that.

*reads comments*

Jayzus, what's with all the AJ hate? I actually like Applejack, about as much as I do Rainbow Dash. *prepares to burn at the stake*

Alright, chapter two, let's see how far down this rabbit hole goes.

Fluttershy and Applejack were the only ones that she was into mares

Missin' a word here.

Rainbow didn’t want them to know, and they never tried to find where she went after she left. They weren’t really the closest family, but they still looked after each other.

Erm, I have a couple issues with this. You just said that Rainbow and her family weren't close, like at all. You even said that her parents split up and neither of them bothered to find their daughter after she dropped out of flight school and basically ran away. Yet here, you imply that they still look out for each other. Given what you just established, that seems kinda improbable.

I could deal with the name calling and all of the practical jokes but during my last year at flight school, a rumour started to go around that I was a fillyfooler

You're either missing a word here or this needs to be split up into two sentences.

After that I was shunned by all the other kids, the teachers started to ignore me.

So Rainbow's coming from a really homophobic place? ...mmkay

Rainbow’s sobbing made it hard to get the words out.

This is the first time you mention Rainbow really crying/sobbing as she's telling Twilight this story, and you start it off with uncontrollable sobbing. A small suggestion: build it up, filly! We can assume that this isn't an easy thing for Rainbow to do, so I'd suggest taking small lapses between the dialogue to see how Rainbow and Twilight are physically reacting as the story unfolds.

“Oh I didn’t know.

This feels... like an understatement on Twilight's part. You've given Rainbow a lot of traumatic emotion to deal with here so far, but Twilight has been kinda wooden in response. Again, how's Twilight taking this? How is she reacting to this heartbreaking story from Rainbow Dash's youth? The rest of her dialogue here seems forced (remember: this isn't meant do discourage you).

studying under the most powerful unicorn in existence

Celestia's an alicorn, dude.

“Although back to my story… After your coronation I had finally worked up the courage to ask Applejack out on a date with me.

Okay, this may just be me being an idiot, but I'm confused here. Wasn't AJ saying in the last chapter that she told Rainbow she'd need to change if they were gonna work out, and that she hoped that the Mare-Do-Well incident would have helped Rainbow along in that regard? That implies that they were dating around that time, yet here you say it wasn't until after the coronation. I could be missing something, as I often do, but this seems more than a little vague to me right now and I could do with some clarification.

A hoof presses against her face, and Twilight wipes the tears from her face.

Wrong tense here, bud.

“What!” Twilight was outraged. Her eyes began to shine with a white omniscient glow.

static2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130711132208/mk_/images/2/25/Anchorman_well_that_escalated_quickly_966.jpg

All in all, not bad at all. My first and best piece of advice I can give you is to seek out an editor. There are loads of groups here on fimfic (and probably some willing chaps in the TwiDash group) that would be more than happy to help out. My comments from the first chapter still stand, and I'll be keeping an eye on this.

3858936 Wow thanks a lot. I really appreciate the feed-back on the story. I haven't showed it to anybody before I posted it up here. The fact that this is really the first MLP related story that I have ever wrote, and it is getting such a positive response completely baffles me. As for the going to Twilight first. I plan to expand that in the third chapter. Hopefully I do a decent job at it.

3857831 I have a version of chapter 3 put together, and just going over it right now. It should be up within a week or so. Unfortunately my procrastination gets the better of me, and causes me to put off my assignments for class so I am not sure how the updates are going to come, but I am going to shoot for at least one or two updates every two weeks.

T4

Was there really any point to Twilight going into the freakin Avatar State? I'm not trying to discourage or anything, but in the second chapter it's a little too early to do something like that. Ya gotta build it up.

3859154 With all the attention the story is getting I plan to expand on that. I do agree it was a little bit random, but it was going to be a part in a later chapter, so I needed to have it in somewhere. Originally this was only going to be 5 chapters but after considering it a little bit, I have decided to extend it out a little bit to help give some back story and hopefully some development to explain points that I may have jumped over.

3857561 Yes, Good, Good let the Hate flow through you

3860313 I am trying to fix up the dialogue, and it is nice that people are pointing out where I can fix things, and how I can fix it. The next couple of chapters are really dialogue heavy and I have been going over them trying to make sure that is decent enough to publish. Right now I am not really too satisfied with it, but I am definitely working on it. As for the lengthening the relationship, I might do a prequel chapter to the first to give some backstory, but that will come when the base story is finished, if I get around to it. Sadly school is being a pain in the rear at moment. 5 assignments due in 5 days... Finally as for the fact that I finally posted this... It did take a fair bit because I am a fairly shy person all around. Basically a friend badgered me until I posted it up. Thankfully they were right

3860411, 3857561 while I agree with you. We must remember the words of the first bronies. "Peace, Love, and Tolerate" that mean we must tolerate the AppleDash shippers...even if they are wrong and Twidash is the only ship worthy...

Oh and interesting story set up. The only thing I would tweak besides grammar is Applejack, but even you said she was a little out of character.

I'm liking the over-all feel of the story here, even if its form is far from polished. It's kind of strange that I can't think of many other post-breakup stories on this site, so that is an interesting element to this story. Like others have said, there are a lot of errors in here. I would offer to step in to help proofread, and I could if you really want, but I am sort of busy right now. In the meantime, I'd suggest taking a look at this short guide I made regarding the punctuation of dialogue; I think it will help you out quite a bit: The Egghead's Guide to Dialogue Punctuation.

I'm looking forward to future installments. :twilightsmile:

3862376 I would love for someone to step in and take the time out of there day to proofread. And thanks for the guide, I'll start looking at it as soon as I can

I like the idea, and your writing is pretty good with a lot of potential. If you still want someone to edit or just toss ideas off of I'd be glad to help.

3862704 I've promised to go through someone else's published story first, so I want to get that finished before trying to go what you've published so far, though I could do that eventually. If you want me to look at your future chapters before they go up, I'd be happy to do that. (And the more definite deadline means I'll actually do it.)

Shoot me a PM if you're interested, I'm sure we could work something out. :raritywink:

Astrology is actually simply superstitions related to the positions of stars and planets (think horoscopes).
Anyway, it was a pretty good story, but I would highly suggest getting a friend or someone else to edit your stories. It had a lot of missing words and repeated words as well.

3857090
3857561
3857628

I don't know you but I like the way you think. A lot.
Though I am not fixed on TwiDash, I definitely share your feelings about Appldash.:pinkiecrazy:

3861519 Tolerate AppleDash

Triple HERESY!

*BLAM*

Discords going to cheat, and we all know it.

So where do I go from here? I mean now Twilight knows about me, and the only other person that knows about me is Fluttershy. I guess I just need some time to think. Rainbow rubbed her temple with a hoof. Like I am so good at thinking…

I think it should be pony

This looks so good! Pancakes, and even fish as well!

fish? :twilightoops: :rainbowderp:

good chapter anyways :twilightsmile:

"Frankly it is probably the best fish that she had ever eaten in her life. In fact it is amazing. Well done!” Rainbow said while raising a hoof in air.

That doesn't look right at all.

Who whoa whoa. Food conjuring spell? Energy... does not work like that. Unless Twilight harnessed the energy required to make the food from the air around her, which would cost more energy than it was worth, she would have had to use her own energy to make the food. Now simply making the energy take a physical form is hard enough, meaning it costs more energy than she would get out, then there's everything else she had to do. She spent more energy conjuring that food than she could ever hope to get out of it. We've seen that them preforming magic takes energy just like any other exercise, and as such it can be inferred that their magic is just like any other muscle.

Good sir, if that's how he eats normally she'd have died after a couple days, spending that much energy every time she wanted to eat.....

Oh yeah, and this bugged me so much I stopped reading to make this comment. I'll go back up and read the chapter now.

Alright, I have read the rest of the chapter!

I gotta say, I hate your Fluttershy. So many people do this; the little shy pegasus without a single back bone in her body. Has everyone forgotten that she's capable of being angry? I refer you to the Gala episode. She is completely capable of being angry, and while she's forgiving, she does still get mad. The point is what AJ did is completely inexcusable, and Rainbow has every right to question whether or not she could forgive her, and Fluttershy, if she is as knowledgeable about these things as you are making her out to be, would completely understand that. Any friend of Rainbow would be infuriated with AJ, whether they were a friend of hers or not. Speaking from experience here, any rational pony would be, at the very least, a might bit ticked at AJ for what she did. No matter how kind or forgiving you are, there is a period of time where you are pissed. And Fluttershy's character would leap to Rainbow's aid and defense. She's kind and compassionate, and that compassion would drive her to protect Rainbow, and in this case she would need protecting from AJ until Rainbow had calmed down enough to deal with it herself. Rushing these things and trying to deal with them before the person (or in this case pony) who was hurt the most by it had a chance to at least begin calming down can end terribly.

Again, I speak from experience, having been myself in both Flutter's and a Rainbow's position.

Anyway, aside from that flaw, you still need to use a bit more contractions in your speech and I saw a few incorrect words or awkward sentances, but nothing downright bad.

I look forward to next chapter.

This chapter really got me thinking...................WHO THE HELL EATS FISH WITH PANCAKES FOR BREAKFAST:rainbowhuh:?!
also:

Fluttershy’s point finally making since

*sense* I think

Applejack, ya dun goofed!!

That was difficult to read. The breakup happened all of what, 12 hours ago? Rainbow is the fastest-rebounding pony I've ever seen. Even if we accept that, the idea of Fluttershy, having just learnt that her friend was dumped by her marefriend of several months the night before, then spending most of the conversation trying to convince Rainbow Dash that she has a crush on Twilight, is just too much.

There were also a huge number of very basic errors throughout the chapter. Sense/since, to/too, there/their, and missing punctuation. Other comments have already pointed out the major issues.

...why fish? Also, the phrase "horse feathers" takes on a different meaning when said by a pony who has feathers. :facehoof:

Well due to the mixed bag reaction to chapter 3, I am going to reworking it. I defintely agree with a fair bit of the points that people have posted, and I should try to make everything try to flow a little bit better. Write some exposition or put in more some time to make it a better Chapter as a whole. In fact Chapter 4 is getting a massive overhaul so don't expect it until a little bit later... Maybe 2 weeks or so. I am thinking about pulling Chapter 3 until it's in a better order then what it is at the moment. I don't know why but points people are pointing out make logical sense, and the scenes need a fair bit of work. Sorry but please hold on for a little bit, and it should be back up.

I'm twitching with the amount of grammatical mistakes.

Oh God! Please end my life now! The grammar is killing me!

3883887 Yes I know. My grammar is absolutely abysmal. Commas not in the right spots, words missing out of a fair mount of sentences. I am going back over the story trying to catch some of the errors, and thankfully someone was kind enough to edit this terrible mess of grammar.

3857561 AppleDash is worst ship? Obviously you have never heard of Flutterdash. Yeah, I went there, I mentioned the Worst Ship that Ever Did Sail.
I enjoy this ship, but can I do CelestiaBlitz? Has anyone seen CelestiaDash before? I have not.:trollestia::heart::rainbowdetermined2:

3909235
At this date, I've seen three Celestia/Dash ships. Thy're out there.

As for Flutterdash.... due to Flutter being best pone I cannot say anything mean about anything she partakes in.

3863834 Again, there are worse things than Appledash, Flutterdash is one of them. I don;t want to burn it, I want to pour acid over it and watch it corrode away.
I like this story so far, keep it up.

“Well you know remember when I talked to you about being a fillyfooler right.”

This sentence should be:
"Well, you remember when I talked to you about being a fillyfooler, right?"

Rainbow Dash was all like to Applejack:

3909304 GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BLASPHEMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3951112 I don't know why but I am a fan of most of the shippings excluding a couple of them. I don't know why but every shipping with Pinkie just is a little weird to me. Top would definitely have to be TwiDash, then RariJack. Basically the ships that Growing Pains has in it are all good in my opinion.

3946701 Oh my the nostalgia. I completely forgot that this existed. Don't know if I should enjoy the song or not :P

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that Discord knows that Twilight's hiding a crush on Rainbow, and that's why he says that it'll work out for Twi'.

you know, if you need to take time off to get your life in order, i think everyone here would understand. great chapter, by the way.

Login or register to comment