I do not fault Twilight for what has happened. There was no guarantee that the Elements of Harmony would work the way I intended.
But they have given me a second chance. A chance to get through to her, the hard way. I do not know how long it will take, but even if it takes another one thousand years, I will get through to her, one day, and bring my sister back. I know Luna is still there, behind a shell of her anger and jealousy. And I will not rest until I have her back.
Entry to the EFNW 2014 Writing Contest
Chapters (1)
I for one always enjoy a bit of divergent canon. This was a interesting read, thanks!
I very much like how this turned out. It's very well written, with excellent phrasing, structure, and dialogue (particularly the dialogue, none of it seems off or forced at all). On the story side, this is a very nice alternate look at the aftermath of Nightmare Moon being hit with the Elements. A fascinating one, even. I like that NMM's true redemption has to come from actually reconciling with her sister, learning about the changes made for the night and things like that. It's very well done. Bravo, dear writer.
4026275 It is listed as AU, so I don't really know what you were expecting.
The last line really nails it, though I think it would have been stronger yet if it had been identical to the beginning rather than a reflection of it.
Best,
H
4037901
I guess what I was going to with the reflection rather than an identical mirror was to show a small sign than Celestia's rehabilitation was already starting to break through. In retrospect I guess I'm not too sure which is best now <,<
4041834
That's an interesting way of looking at it I hadn't considered. I'm not quite sure what to suggest then. It may help to telegraph the change more, then? Make it identical except for one word? Identical, but add a few words at the end? To draw attention explicitly to the parallel before breaking it.
Very well written, particularly Celestia. You could use an editor in the middle though, for stuff like "how much they loved you so much" (drop the first much) and its/it's confusion. I'll have to check out some of your other stuff though.
4043908
I didn't really plan on participating in the contest until the last minute, and only just barely managed to finish it, so I kinda dropped this story on my editor at the last minute, so it's mostly self edited while he finds time where he can. I need to find more editors to keep up the work load >.>
4043941
Well, it sounds like I didn't actually have to tell you that then! :O
4045359
my whole plan for the past while has been to just test the waters in various styles of writing and such to broaden my skill, and hopefully attract a few people that would be interested in being editors of my work as I grow as a writer. It's been a lot of fun testing new waters, and I'm interested to see what this contest will be like in the end. I hope to do more in the future.
I appreciate your encouragement and feedback, it really is an honor, and I should have said that in my previous comment. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy :D
Well that is one way it could have gone.
You should expand this into a longer story, but even by itself, it tells many a things.
I think that last line should be separated into a "paragraph" of its own, and a semicolon used instead of a regular comma:
"Nightmare Moon remembered many things; not all of them [were] pleasant." I think it lends more stand-out power to the fact that, when first mentioned, none of them had been pleasant. In fact, this statement's two variants should probably stand out in the same fashion, separated into two distinct mini passages.
That's just my two cents though. I really like how Celestia was done, quite canon to how she would actually act in this situation.
Now I am reminded of this:
Beet Da Brat
I am usually very reluctant to read a Nightmare Moon fanfic, but after the amazement that was "When the day met the night" I had to see your take on it. And just like that fic this one did not disappoint in the slightest. I love this alternative route you took, an explenation of what could have been. You have provided us with a bittersweet answer to that question"What if the Elements of Harmony weren't powerful enough to chase the nightmare away?". I don't know if you had heard the song "The moon rises" by Ponyphonic but the Nightmare Moon in the beginning reminded me a bit of that song. I love to see even Nightmare Moon herself struggle with what she had become, slowly retracting through the work culminating in the ending thought of "what if she was wrong?" What if her hate was unjust and her anger unreasonable. Her sight was too short to see the true beauty that hid within Ponyville. I also like how you hadn't completely relieved Celestia of her guilt. She feels remorse for what she had done (kinda like in the "Lullaby for a princess") but you can also see that she had done everything she could to at least equalize the unjustice that had been done to her sister and to restore her reputation in the eyes of other ponies. The second celebration is one of the most fantastic ideas that I wish the show itself would use so we have that equality between night and day. i also love Celestia's dialogue since in every line you can hear her ancient wisdom thought by the sands of time while at the same time hearing an undertone of sorrow and pain for what she did in her past. Splendid work my friend! Keep up the good work
Nightmare acts like a stereotypical angsty rebellious teenager. No wonder Celestia doesn´t take her as seriously as
LunaNM wants.Ok, it's probably been said over and over but...sequel?
7271951