After the human Covenant war had ended the UNSC had a chance to help explore some of the uncharted star systems deep within Covenant space. After two year of searching for Habitable planets they finally stumbled upon something. Something big.
Authors note: This is my first story and I have ever written anything like this before. Any help would be appreciated.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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?......................... That was horrible
4010402 What was bad was it the spelling, grammar, or the idea as a whole. As I said I know I need a lot of help with this.
4010951 spelling, grammar, and the idea was pretty good but why hate on changelings?
Protip: if you need an editor, get one before you post the story.
4011656 I don't know where to look for one. So any direction would be great.
4011119 In my mind they attacked first. Also I agree I need to work on the spelling and grammar.
4011739 be nice to the changelings
4011743 We will see. After I get an editor and fix this train wreck.
Good
Alright, lets see. I'm new and that doesn't hold a lot of weight, but I figure if someone writes something I read, I can at least comment on it if I can contribute. You asked for help mate, lets see if I can be of any: this is going to be, well, long. Likewise it's not meant to be degrading or overwhelming, take it like a running commentary and not an attack (It's essentially what it is).
Chapter 1:
I'm assuming the initial exchange is between just two individuals? It's merely an assumption, these little scenes tend to be popular, but they work well in sci-fi if there's accents or some other written intonations in style that really indicate who is who. Beyond that name drops here can work well for establishing characters.
Using MLP as an example, think about the first lines spoken by everypony but Twilight: they're pretty much there to sum up their attitude as a whole and the intonation is key to how they'll act (more or less for 4 seasons).
Rainbow: “Heh, 'scuse me?”
AJ: “Well Howdy do, miss Twilight!”
Fluttershy: “I'm... Fluttershy”
Rarity: “No, no, oh Goodness no”
Pinkie, ~Le Gasp!~
Lets see, in the second major paragraph, the perspective switch is a tough one depending on situation as I don't know the 'I' in the story either. Don't worry about translating roman numerals or stating the shift in parentheses, they're best left to be used as an aside. There's a lot of dialogue, but not much description which would really be a good place to start establishing character through quirks both speech and action. It's also a good place to start establishing Halsey and Isaac. Why would Halsey be so upset about the armor? Is it possessiveness of the gear, or the modification of a perfectly tuned set up, or just one of the by the book regulation sorts?
Aliens works as an example here:
Sergeant comes out of stasis, blinks his eyes open, pulls out a cigar and just bites down on it before anything else at all. It's small, but notable, and establishes him as different than the others.
If we're working in first person, I'd like to also perhaps get a flash or real instance of the protagonist's idea about a fit. Even as simple as 'The man's face loomed up in my mind, grizzled and lined with a severe frown. That same burning gaze and twitch of his trigger finger hidden behind his back. A 'fit' to the captain was about the same as 'road rage' was to ramming a starship off the shoulder of Orion. And just as subtle'
As for the quick pre-Drop mission statement, it could actually benefit from a bit of tech talk to set the scene too.
“heavy bioplumes above the forests, there's established settlement patterns but no indication of mass defensive capabilities. Mass infrastructure is practically non-existent, and we're getting nothing on broadband or any real high frequency chatter (As an aside, unless you want something like unicorn magic to screw with frequencies then it might be a great reason to send a team down too). Infrastructure exists but it's centralized, not what we'd expect from the covenant but I'll take it over a C-beam battery. Standard rules of Engagement are recinded-” he grunted and cleared his throat before adding with a muted growl, “For the time being. But you see anything squirrley then, by all means, feel free to liberate their head from their shoulders.”
I know if I was any sort of CO I'd really want at least a few scans and close up images of established drop zones, local highways and byways, and anything that just doesn't look right.
“You're damn right it’s my call” I thought sarcastically but unfortunately my AI friend doesn't get sarcasm yet. Does 'thought' contradict actual speech? Is it a mind link? Either way, I actually like this little bit of dialogue because it has some emotion with it: it says 'I'm not going to be second guessed'. I take it the sniffle was significant? It might be an interesting point of reflection for our protagonist to dwell on as it seemed to be an event that hasn't happened before.
Now comes the little part that did bother me a bit: tech talk and out-of-character descriptions. It doesn't mesh well to me. I don't play halo, I never have. It's not that I don't like it, it's that often the fans ostracized me because of greifing and fan-mongering all over the place. All I'm getting at is that I don't know the difference between a MA5D and a M6C/SOCOM. It doesn't tell the uninitiated anything while a typical fan might be able to easily guess exactly what weapons are used without the designation. If any particular piece of gear is really well used by any character, such as Juliet and the rifle, I'd feel better if they were fawning over it or teased about it just to get that sense of attachment. A bit of a description, even brief, would tell me about the characters, just like they would make the vehicles more presentable too, “The rugged matte green 'Warthog' was fitted with grav clamps just above its roll bars, thick wheels scrubbed clean and its ablative slab armor was repainted after that beating it took on Tantos. 'Frankly I'm amazed they got it all back together again'.”
The characters also simply being described doesn't work too well for me unless it's a dossier type set up. As it was, I'd rather see them enter one by one or in smaller groups if they really 'click' together and form duo's or trios and the like. More characterization by what they do would be much appreciated. The revelation of 'Dan' as the main character also strikes as odd because it is Out-of-character. It could have been established earlier on with Captain Brown, or later on by others through interaction. As it is, I don't know if this is all written after the fact as a mission log or what not. Because it's 'lets get back to the story' it just pulls me out a bit.
A few grammatical things spread throughout: 'Reddy vs. Ready, thru vs. through (unless this is a Yank thing I'm not aware of), common vs. c'mon. But I'm not a tremendous grammar-Oberschutze so I won't make a huge deal of it.
It really does feel like a sincere effort of a fan which I can appreciate (Celestia knows I've thought about a few myself). But it might just help to step back, reread some of it, see what is useful for a fan vs. what is useful for a noviate and work from there.
Chapter 2
Lets see, I'd always like the pilot to get a bit more exposure. They're a stubborn supercilious bunch. Even if Spartans are Spartans I can't imagine a pilot not getting off the final quip. Merely an interpretation, nothing for a review
Alright, review wise, I'd still like to see more description in the immediate opening. The weather, view, and sounds all really matter too especially as far as first impressions of an alien planet go for soldiers. Not only is it a chance to build a setting and mood for the opening, but it sets the personality of the crew reacting to it.
For example:
“The sparse woodland cover rattled and shook with the blast of fire and plasma as the drop ship left off in a swirling cyclone of dust and leaves. The ear-bursting scream of the ram jets slowly faded in the helmets internal dampeners leaving only the green wire-mesh view through the dust left in the wake of the Pelican. Slowly, surely, the dust settled in the midst of a bright green field. The charred and flattened grasses gave way to that sparse woodland fringe, now so suddenly devoid of sound as a silence smothered the land. “Huh-” Joker muttered with a faint crackle, “That's, uh, a lot of trees. Lot of places for snipers, traps-”
“Cut it Joker,” Isaac snorted, “They're just trees, seen a billion of them before.”
“Yeah, but they were in parks.” he fidgeted with the selector switch of his cradled rifle.
Sorry it's a long description, but it's just sort of an example point for show vs. tell. My practice has always been taking a picture, then describe exactly what you see and feel inside fifteen minutes. Write it down, get as descriptive as you can, and see how far it gets you. They always say a picture speaks a thousand words, so slowly you should be able to get up there with it (not that it needs it, brevity being the soul of wit means people will be out of theirs if every description is that long. But slowly it should give a good mix of where to cut to keep emotions, feelings, and first impressions).
I like the bit with Holly winning the bet. I think there could be an even more obvious gap or pause with perhaps a sheepishness than a machine guessed the mood of a trans-human better than they themselves.
Lets see, Rainbow bit isn't too bad as she does seem to be Ponyville's equivalent of an early warning siren. Just wondering if the Spartans should show either more familiarity with a mythic kind of creature, comment on the wings/physiological difference (to establish how different they see ponies or the like), or discus how Sapphire could be certain of a gender of an alien where gender might not exist. The scream might, likewise, be a warning mechanism so I can see Spartans being more alert after that.
For Lyra, all in all it's a good choice. After all, you can always feel free to develop her personality in any way you see fit. She has no established character, nearly everything is fan-work and she's a nice obvious choice for a real first contact. But a talking horse speaking English might be a real shock and surprise. I'd just like to see them react more. Likewise, Spartans got surrounded awful quick. For an elite group I'd be a little perturbed. Spartan equipment, I'd take it, is good enough to get bio sensors too, so it might be interesting to see that either come into play or get lamp-shaded by the Changelings.
Ah changelings, I'm good with them having personalities or being devoid of them. It's really a split point of discussion between fans if they're a group of collective individuals, caste basted, or hive minded with a few 'sentient' mixed in as node commanders. So I have no problem with one repenting from eating up love while confessing admiration for a pony, and I have no problem with human 'visitors' in black plastic armor hollering 'Bugs!' and scrambling for a Morita. I'd just like a stronger definition of which one you are going for. Beyond that, there's also the obvious question if they can turn into something Spartan like or not. It could be a really high octane fight sequence as it's a first encounter between two forces unfamiliar with each other. Not to mention, our Spartans can't even be sure if Lyra or Rainbow hadn't been bait. Fight wise, age old adage: Show, don't tell.
“there's too many of them'. Show the flocking hordes, or the clambering mandibles, jaws, teeth, spines, chitin. Likewise, “Switching mags I brought my gun up to the last remaining changeling who was trying to fly away. I shot once.” I'd like to see how that looks. Was the Changeling's pattern erratic? Was it bug like in that it can zip around awkwardly, or more like a bird? If it's odd or bug-like it can really serve it's purpose to have a high end Spartan still make the shot, but have to take a breath, aim down the sights, and watch the jittering reflexes of a creature with beetle like chitin and iridescent wings. Blast it apart, watch the ichor come out, then there's the snap question: Oncoming life-forms, second wave? How much ammo did they use, are they going to fall back now that the rules of engagement have changed?
Minor bits here and there: I'd like to see the arm thing be more of a cause of emotion or memory rather than seeming gimicky like a scar over the eye. Swearing, I wouldn't be too afraid to use it so long as you don't use it so much that it doesn't overpower characterizations. Aside from that, in general I'd like to see more confidence in your own writing style, and less confidence or meta-memory on the part of the characters involved.
I don't want to see anypony get discouraged from writing, I think it has potential if you do make it into a multi-part story too. All I can really encourage is really put the picture of what you want in your mind, assume that we're all blind, then describe it as much as you can (use a thesaurus if you need to), and then reread it to see if it flows right on a second time through, though only after a short break and in non-editing mode. Typically mistakes will pop out in that time. For grammar, there's a few online checkers that work for syntax and make some half-decent suggestions, search for online grammar check and if should give you a few free browser based ones that are pretty decent.
I think that's about all I can say, which... I guess is a lot, so sorry again
I do hope something will help in this overly long rambling of mine.
4012491 Wow ok ill get right on this. thanks it might be a while before the changes make it to the actual page but i promise i'm working on them.
EDIT: This is actually exactly what I was hoping for. Thanks again for the objective look.
4012544 Best of luck mate!