Tin soldiers

by ntfdfc

2 CONTACT FRONT

1330 hours, November 25, 2553 (Military calendar), UNKNOWN SYSTEM, UNKNOWN planet, upper atmosphere, UNSC Pelican dropship

As we neared the surface Holly marked a suitable landing zone for us about 3 klicks from a small settlement in what appeared to be a large clearing. Deciding it was a good of a place as anywhere I touched down the craft with barely a sound.

With the landing out of the way I dropped the ramp along with the hog dangling from the tail and gave control over to the now pilot of the craft. After pulling the three mongooses from the bay of the craft, I radioed the pilot.

“It’s all clear, pick us up here in twenty four hours”

“Understood, Reverb don’t die down there ya hear”

We all looked at each other and then said “We’ll try, mom” trying our damndest not to burst out laughing.

With that the pelican shot towards the sky.

“Wow cap” Remarked Kate in pure shock

“Wow what?” I asked hesitantly

“Well we all had a bet that you lost your sense of humor” Juliet said a little disheartened

“Well losing an arm will do that to a guy… who won the pot then?” I said a little more confidently

All eyes went to me of all things. Confused I asked “why are you looking at me.”

“Uh” Isaac began “Holly actually won the bet”

I was going to have a long chat with that AI, but that was for another time.

“Ok everyone listen up, we don’t know how advanced these people are so we will go by call signs only.”

Everyone nodded.

“Right mount up.” I said in a determined voice “Were going in.”

When I finished there was a chorus of “I CALL SHOTGUN”s followed by the slower ones saying “F***”

In the end Echo was in the passenger seat, Joker up on the chain gun and me driving the Warthog with Sapphire, Dodge, and Dic driving the mongooses.

It took us 30 minutes for us to get through the forest. Damn trees were closer together than I originally thought. So after we carved our path thru the woods we entered into a field large hilly field.

“You know what, I F***in hate forests!” Joker yelled

No one paid him any attention because all eyes were on the blue Pegasus on a cloud. What? Just because I’m a Spartan doesn’t mean I don’t know my mythology.

“Uh, earth to reverb, what are ya looking at”

We all pointed to the cloud. Looking up Joker yelled “WHAT THE F*** IS THAT?!?!”

Apparently that was enough to wake the Pegasus. It took one look at us pointing at it screamed then took off at a rate that shouldn’t be possible for a creature of flesh and blood and headed straight for the town. Oddly enough it trailed a rainbow behind it.

“Great nice going Joker you scared her” Sapphire scolded

“How do you know its female Jules” I asked

“Cap did you not hear it scream it clearly is female”

I just shook my head then showed her the chart of gases on the planet 76% nitrogen, 22% oxygen, 1% Helium, and 1% other gases.

She gave me a shrug “women's intuition then”

I sighed and shook my head there was no use arguing with her.
“Ok well they know we are here, so I guess we’ll just sit tight and let them come to us.” I said

Now it didn’t take too long for one of the ponies to show up. In fact it was exactly 3 minutes 23 seconds and 55.3333 milliseconds. (Holly was keeping track)

I was sitting on the hood of the Warthog when something impacted the back of my head hard enough to make my shields flare. It didn’t take me long to figure out what had happened because there were two LARGE EYES looking into my visor. Amber if I remember correctly.

“OH MY GOD A HUMAN, Bon said I was crazy but hear you are and…”

Her excited ramblings stopped when she heard the sounds of my team chambering rounds, the excitement turned to pure fear when she realized she had walked right into the lion’s den.

“Please don’t hurt me” she squeaked

“REVERB STAND DOWN” I shouted, probably scaring her even more, but I heard safeties click on.

I slowly reached up with my right arm to try to pry the now shaking creature off my head. As the cold titanium touched her she froze and gripped my helmet tighter.

“Common now, I can’t see with you on my head” I said gently, and with that she released her death grip on my helmet and I lowered her to the ground.

Apparently we went alone any more. When I heard the rounds chamber they weren’t for the mare that until recently was on my head. We had been surrounded by snow white Pegasus, unicorns and a few ponies, all wearing what appeared to be roman armor.

My Spartans had taken up defensive positions around the vehicles.

Over the team com I heard Dodge say “What do you want to do Havoc?”

“DO NOT fire whatever you do, this is a very sensitive situation and I don’t want to start another inter galactic war.”

“Havoc, there appears to be duplicates” said holly

“What do you mean?”

“Well one just changed into another one”

“Okay what Does tha…”

“CHANGELINGS” Cried the mare the mint green mare

And with that they attacked.

Pulling out my DMR I started to engage the creatures in front of me when one of the flying ones latched onto me.

“ones in my back” I called to the team and in response I felt 3 rounds impact the unwelcome passenger.

“There’s too many” Dic callout

“No there’s not” growled Dodge

The next thing I heard was chain gun fire. Alex had apparently fought her way to the warthog’s mounted M41 light AA gun and was firing the entire belt into the horde of the now undisguised changelings. Until now, we had all used the tranq rounds we had brought, but that stopped as soon as the Vulcan started firing molten lead into the sky.

Switching mags I brought my gun up to the last remaining changeling who was trying to fly away. I shot once. The bullet impacted at the base of its skull and the high powered round punched a large gory hole on the other side.

As it fell to the ground what I assumed was the real guards came running and flying up.

Author's Note:

Here is chapter two. Hope you like it so far. Again this is my first fic and would like all the help I can get.

Comments

[sniper 1232]

?......................... That was horrible

[FicusCat]

the human Covedent war

[ntfdfc]

4010402 What was bad was it the spelling, grammar, or the idea as a whole. As I said I know I need a lot of help with this.

[sniper 1232]

4010951 spelling, grammar, and the idea was pretty good but why hate on changelings?

[ntfdfc]

4011656 I don't know where to look for one. So any direction would be great.

[ntfdfc]

4011119 In my mind they attacked first. Also I agree I need to work on the spelling and grammar.

[sniper 1232]

4011739 be nice to the changelings

[ntfdfc]

4011743 We will see. After I get an editor and fix this train wreck.

[sniper 1232]

Good

[Vixavior]

Chapter 2

Lets see, I'd always like the pilot to get a bit more exposure. They're a stubborn supercilious bunch. Even if Spartans are Spartans I can't imagine a pilot not getting off the final quip. Merely an interpretation, nothing for a review

Alright, review wise, I'd still like to see more description in the immediate opening. The weather, view, and sounds all really matter too especially as far as first impressions of an alien planet go for soldiers. Not only is it a chance to build a setting and mood for the opening, but it sets the personality of the crew reacting to it.

For example:

“The sparse woodland cover rattled and shook with the blast of fire and plasma as the drop ship left off in a swirling cyclone of dust and leaves. The ear-bursting scream of the ram jets slowly faded in the helmets internal dampeners leaving only the green wire-mesh view through the dust left in the wake of the Pelican. Slowly, surely, the dust settled in the midst of a bright green field. The charred and flattened grasses gave way to that sparse woodland fringe, now so suddenly devoid of sound as a silence smothered the land. “Huh-” Joker muttered with a faint crackle, “That's, uh, a lot of trees. Lot of places for snipers, traps-”

“Cut it Joker,” Isaac snorted, “They're just trees, seen a billion of them before.”

“Yeah, but they were in parks.” he fidgeted with the selector switch of his cradled rifle.

Sorry it's a long description, but it's just sort of an example point for show vs. tell. My practice has always been taking a picture, then describe exactly what you see and feel inside fifteen minutes. Write it down, get as descriptive as you can, and see how far it gets you. They always say a picture speaks a thousand words, so slowly you should be able to get up there with it (not that it needs it, brevity being the soul of wit means people will be out of theirs if every description is that long. But slowly it should give a good mix of where to cut to keep emotions, feelings, and first impressions).

I like the bit with Holly winning the bet. I think there could be an even more obvious gap or pause with perhaps a sheepishness than a machine guessed the mood of a trans-human better than they themselves.

Lets see, Rainbow bit isn't too bad as she does seem to be Ponyville's equivalent of an early warning siren. Just wondering if the Spartans should show either more familiarity with a mythic kind of creature, comment on the wings/physiological difference (to establish how different they see ponies or the like), or discus how Sapphire could be certain of a gender of an alien where gender might not exist. The scream might, likewise, be a warning mechanism so I can see Spartans being more alert after that.

For Lyra, all in all it's a good choice. After all, you can always feel free to develop her personality in any way you see fit. She has no established character, nearly everything is fan-work and she's a nice obvious choice for a real first contact. But a talking horse speaking English might be a real shock and surprise. I'd just like to see them react more. Likewise, Spartans got surrounded awful quick. For an elite group I'd be a little perturbed. Spartan equipment, I'd take it, is good enough to get bio sensors too, so it might be interesting to see that either come into play or get lamp-shaded by the Changelings.

Ah changelings, I'm good with them having personalities or being devoid of them. It's really a split point of discussion between fans if they're a group of collective individuals, caste basted, or hive minded with a few 'sentient' mixed in as node commanders. So I have no problem with one repenting from eating up love while confessing admiration for a pony, and I have no problem with human 'visitors' in black plastic armor hollering 'Bugs!' and scrambling for a Morita. I'd just like a stronger definition of which one you are going for. Beyond that, there's also the obvious question if they can turn into something Spartan like or not. It could be a really high octane fight sequence as it's a first encounter between two forces unfamiliar with each other. Not to mention, our Spartans can't even be sure if Lyra or Rainbow hadn't been bait. Fight wise, age old adage: Show, don't tell.

“there's too many of them'. Show the flocking hordes, or the clambering mandibles, jaws, teeth, spines, chitin. Likewise, “Switching mags I brought my gun up to the last remaining changeling who was trying to fly away. I shot once.” I'd like to see how that looks. Was the Changeling's pattern erratic? Was it bug like in that it can zip around awkwardly, or more like a bird? If it's odd or bug-like it can really serve it's purpose to have a high end Spartan still make the shot, but have to take a breath, aim down the sights, and watch the jittering reflexes of a creature with beetle like chitin and iridescent wings. Blast it apart, watch the ichor come out, then there's the snap question: Oncoming life-forms, second wave? How much ammo did they use, are they going to fall back now that the rules of engagement have changed?

Minor bits here and there: I'd like to see the arm thing be more of a cause of emotion or memory rather than seeming gimicky like a scar over the eye. Swearing, I wouldn't be too afraid to use it so long as you don't use it so much that it doesn't overpower characterizations. Aside from that, in general I'd like to see more confidence in your own writing style, and less confidence or meta-memory on the part of the characters involved.

I don't want to see anypony get discouraged from writing, I think it has potential if you do make it into a multi-part story too. All I can really encourage is really put the picture of what you want in your mind, assume that we're all blind, then describe it as much as you can (use a thesaurus if you need to), and then reread it to see if it flows right on a second time through, though only after a short break and in non-editing mode. Typically mistakes will pop out in that time. For grammar, there's a few online checkers that work for syntax and make some half-decent suggestions, search for online grammar check and if should give you a few free browser based ones that are pretty decent.

I think that's about all I can say, which... I guess is a lot, so sorry again I do hope something will help in this overly long rambling of mine.

[ntfdfc]

4012491 Wow ok ill get right on this. thanks it might be a while before the changes make it to the actual page but i promise i'm working on them.
EDIT: This is actually exactly what I was hoping for. Thanks again for the objective look.

[Vixavior]

4012544 Best of luck mate!