1100 hours, November 25, 2555 (Military calendar)/UNKNOWN SYSTEM, UNSC Destroyer Pandora, Bridge
“Exiting slip space Captain” the ship's on-board Smart AI spoke
“Good… Where are we?” replied CPT Brown
“According to my calculations we should be at the far end Covedent space”
“Captain?”
“Yes? What is it?”
“You might want to take a look at this”
“Bring it up on the Main Screen.”
“Aye”
For a second the large screen remained black, then it glowed to life to reveal a blue and green earth sized planet with a sun and moon orbiting around it.
“Put us into orbit were going in for a closer look”
“Sir, there appears to be artificial light coming from the dark side of the planet”
The captain’s eyes widened then over the ships comm. He said “Havoc to the bridge”
~=~
In The Cryo Bay (First Person)
I awoke from the freezing confines of my Mark VIII (8) Cryogenic Suspension Chamber or as you may have heard it called “Cryo tube” to hear people calling my name.
“Come on Captain, wake up!” Shouted my second in command
“UGH, Isaac you don’t have to yell I’m up”
“Well you sure took your time, common the captain is calling you”
“Alright, let me just get my armor on. Now where are those technicians?”
Isaac pointed over his shoulder to two crewmen standing next to a large box that contained my Modified MJOLNIR armor and my left arm. If Halsey knew what I had done to her armor she would have had me shot for treason or something. But what she doesn't know won’t hurt her.
With my armor on I walked down the hall and into an elevator. Pressing the button to go to the bridge, a familiar voice spoke over the elevators speaker.
“Where were you, the Captain is having… a fit”
“Sorry the tech’s took a while suiting me up.”
…
“WAIT A SEC! Did you say that he was having a fit?”
“Yes, he seems to be very excited about something”
“Common Holly, you just gave me a heart attack. I don’t think ‘fit’ would be the right word in this case”
“What do you mean?”
“Well ‘fit’ to me implies that he is angry about something.”
“Oh what would you suggest?”
“As I said, I would say ecstatic”
Before the lesson could continue the doors opened to a very chaotic bridge.
I coughed and the entire bridge became silent, all eyes were on me and they all had large smiles on their faces, really creepy smiles.
“Captain you wanted to see me...” I trailed off.
“Yes Havoc, I want Reverb team to go down to the planet to initiate first contact with its inhabitant”
“First contact sir?”
“The planet below appears to have sentient non space faring life. When will your team be ready to go?”
Barely able to contain my excitement I said “My team was ready yesterday Sir. Will that be all?”
“No, you will also take the AI with you. Other than that you are dismissed”
He handed me the transfer unit and I plugged it into the base of my helmet and felt the AI enter my mind. I then saluted and Headed to Armory D.
“What the plan?” Holly asked
“Well I’m gonna go with peace through superior firepower”
“That is not advisable, but it’s your call Cap”
“You're damn right it’s my call” I thought sarcastically but unfortunately my AI friend doesn't get sarcasm yet.
“Well if you don’t want my help FINE.” It sniffled that’s right sniffled. I didn't even think that was possible for an AI.
“Holly” I sighed
Apparently that was out loud and I got some interesting looks from the crew.
“Holly, I was being sarcastic” I thought
“Oh sorry about that” then she flashed an J emoticon on my visor.
Thorough our conversation we arrived at the Spartans armory.
“Dan to Reverb” I announced over team com
“Go ahead Cap, everyone is up and ready to go” Replied Isaac
“Excellent, we have a mission send everyone to the Armory”
In response I got five green confirmation LEDs in my HUD. While waiting for my team to arrive I grabbed my gear which included a M395 Designated Marksman Rifle (Bulpup variant), M6C/SOCOM Pistol (Suppressed), a standard issue combat knife, a trauma kit, three M9 high-explosive dual-purpose frag grenades and my trusty jet pack. While gathering tranq rounds along with normal ammunition for my weapons, Katelyn entered followed by Isaac, Markus, Juliet, and last through the door was Alexandra.
Now before I get ahead of myself I need to write this down.
Katelyn or Kate as she like to be called is 5’8, Caucasian, with blond hair and green eyes and a burn scar running from her ear to just below her chin. She is the team’s medic. Call sign Echo.
Isaac is 6’, Asian, with black hair and brown eyes. Lucky bastard managed to get through all we've been through without a scratch on him partly due to my help. Call sign Dictionary or Dic
Marcus is 6’9, African, with dark brown hair and blue eyes. Poor guy got hit in the face with plasma and because of that he has a large burn across his face. He is the team’s tech expert. Call sign Joker
Juliet is 5’5, albino, with dyed, short, light blue hair and red eyes. Juliet has had temper ever since the augmentation because she wasn’t an albino before and she isn’t happy about her current situation. She is the team’s sniper. Call sign Sapphire
Alexandra or if you don’t want to wake up in hard vacuum, Alex. Alex is 6’2, Latino, with dyed purple hair and Gray eyes. She has a crooked nose due to a large piece of a building deciding it wanted to land on her helmet. Call Sign Dodge
Oh and I guess I should introduce myself. My name is Daniel but I prefer to be called Dan, although my team seems to refer to me only as cap or captain. I am 6’, Caucasian, with Light brown hair and Blue eyes. I lost my arm due to an incident with Isaac. I don’t like talking about it. My call sign is Havoc
Right, now with the introductions out of the way let’s go back to the story.
As they entered they gave me a nod and began equipping themselves.
Kate picked up a M392 DMR, a M6C/SOCOM Pistol a standard issue combat knife, a Humbler stun device (think purple tazer sword), a Standard issue med kit, and a Portable Drop shield.
Mark geared himself with a MA5D Assault rifle, a M7 Case-less Submachine Gun, combat knife, three M9 high-explosive dual-purpose grenades, and a hologram unit.
Isaac grabbed his kit which included a M7S SMG (Suppressed), M6C/SOCOM, a combat knife, a Humbler stun device, and a hologram unit.
Juliet went for her baby a 99D-S2 Anti-Matériel sniper rifle, a M6C/SOCOM, combat knife, and a hologram unit.
Alex headed straight for the explosives ordinance locker and grabbed both C-7 a foaming explosive and C-12 a shaped explosive, along with that she grabbed a Spanker missile launcher and a M90 shotgun.
With every one equipped we headed for the hangar. There in the massive chamber stood several vehicles from mongooses to long swords and everything in between. Several of the ships techs stood around a pelican attaching a M12 Warthog and driving three mongooses into the pelican’s belly.
As we approached I saw my copilot wave to me thru the cockpit, I gave a wave back then boarded the vessel. It was cramped in the bay of the pelican but we all managed to fit.
After going thru the preflight checks I said something along the lines of this over the pelican’s internal speakers.
“Reverb, we are about to initiate first contact with the Population of the planet below us. We don’t know if they will be hostel so I am going to make the rules of engagement crystal clear. You are not to fire unless fired upon and you will use tranq rounds unless specified by me and me only. Is that understood?”
“Uh… cap?”
I sighed, “Yes Mark”
“Cap, you know we all love your speeches but… do you have to do one before every mission.”
“Only the important ones Mark”
With that, I got green LED’s across the roster. I turned to my copilot and asked “Reddy?” he nodded in response. I then engaged the engines and left the hanger.
Protip: if you need an editor, get one before you post the story.
Alright, lets see. I'm new and that doesn't hold a lot of weight, but I figure if someone writes something I read, I can at least comment on it if I can contribute. You asked for help mate, lets see if I can be of any: this is going to be, well, long. Likewise it's not meant to be degrading or overwhelming, take it like a running commentary and not an attack (It's essentially what it is).
Chapter 1:
I'm assuming the initial exchange is between just two individuals? It's merely an assumption, these little scenes tend to be popular, but they work well in sci-fi if there's accents or some other written intonations in style that really indicate who is who. Beyond that name drops here can work well for establishing characters.
Using MLP as an example, think about the first lines spoken by everypony but Twilight: they're pretty much there to sum up their attitude as a whole and the intonation is key to how they'll act (more or less for 4 seasons).
Rainbow: “Heh, 'scuse me?”
AJ: “Well Howdy do, miss Twilight!”
Fluttershy: “I'm... Fluttershy”
Rarity: “No, no, oh Goodness no”
Pinkie, ~Le Gasp!~
Lets see, in the second major paragraph, the perspective switch is a tough one depending on situation as I don't know the 'I' in the story either. Don't worry about translating roman numerals or stating the shift in parentheses, they're best left to be used as an aside. There's a lot of dialogue, but not much description which would really be a good place to start establishing character through quirks both speech and action. It's also a good place to start establishing Halsey and Isaac. Why would Halsey be so upset about the armor? Is it possessiveness of the gear, or the modification of a perfectly tuned set up, or just one of the by the book regulation sorts?
Aliens works as an example here:
Sergeant comes out of stasis, blinks his eyes open, pulls out a cigar and just bites down on it before anything else at all. It's small, but notable, and establishes him as different than the others.
If we're working in first person, I'd like to also perhaps get a flash or real instance of the protagonist's idea about a fit. Even as simple as 'The man's face loomed up in my mind, grizzled and lined with a severe frown. That same burning gaze and twitch of his trigger finger hidden behind his back. A 'fit' to the captain was about the same as 'road rage' was to ramming a starship off the shoulder of Orion. And just as subtle'
As for the quick pre-Drop mission statement, it could actually benefit from a bit of tech talk to set the scene too.
“heavy bioplumes above the forests, there's established settlement patterns but no indication of mass defensive capabilities. Mass infrastructure is practically non-existent, and we're getting nothing on broadband or any real high frequency chatter (As an aside, unless you want something like unicorn magic to screw with frequencies then it might be a great reason to send a team down too). Infrastructure exists but it's centralized, not what we'd expect from the covenant but I'll take it over a C-beam battery. Standard rules of Engagement are recinded-” he grunted and cleared his throat before adding with a muted growl, “For the time being. But you see anything squirrley then, by all means, feel free to liberate their head from their shoulders.”
I know if I was any sort of CO I'd really want at least a few scans and close up images of established drop zones, local highways and byways, and anything that just doesn't look right.
“You're damn right it’s my call” I thought sarcastically but unfortunately my AI friend doesn't get sarcasm yet. Does 'thought' contradict actual speech? Is it a mind link? Either way, I actually like this little bit of dialogue because it has some emotion with it: it says 'I'm not going to be second guessed'. I take it the sniffle was significant? It might be an interesting point of reflection for our protagonist to dwell on as it seemed to be an event that hasn't happened before.
Now comes the little part that did bother me a bit: tech talk and out-of-character descriptions. It doesn't mesh well to me. I don't play halo, I never have. It's not that I don't like it, it's that often the fans ostracized me because of greifing and fan-mongering all over the place. All I'm getting at is that I don't know the difference between a MA5D and a M6C/SOCOM. It doesn't tell the uninitiated anything while a typical fan might be able to easily guess exactly what weapons are used without the designation. If any particular piece of gear is really well used by any character, such as Juliet and the rifle, I'd feel better if they were fawning over it or teased about it just to get that sense of attachment. A bit of a description, even brief, would tell me about the characters, just like they would make the vehicles more presentable too, “The rugged matte green 'Warthog' was fitted with grav clamps just above its roll bars, thick wheels scrubbed clean and its ablative slab armor was repainted after that beating it took on Tantos. 'Frankly I'm amazed they got it all back together again'.”
The characters also simply being described doesn't work too well for me unless it's a dossier type set up. As it was, I'd rather see them enter one by one or in smaller groups if they really 'click' together and form duo's or trios and the like. More characterization by what they do would be much appreciated. The revelation of 'Dan' as the main character also strikes as odd because it is Out-of-character. It could have been established earlier on with Captain Brown, or later on by others through interaction. As it is, I don't know if this is all written after the fact as a mission log or what not. Because it's 'lets get back to the story' it just pulls me out a bit.
A few grammatical things spread throughout: 'Reddy vs. Ready, thru vs. through (unless this is a Yank thing I'm not aware of), common vs. c'mon. But I'm not a tremendous grammar-Oberschutze so I won't make a huge deal of it.
It really does feel like a sincere effort of a fan which I can appreciate (Celestia knows I've thought about a few myself). But it might just help to step back, reread some of it, see what is useful for a fan vs. what is useful for a noviate and work from there.