Everyone thinks they're the hero of their own story. Yet nobody wonders just what its like when you swear you're doing the right thing, that everything you're working for is because you have to do it, yet youre seen as the villain for doing so
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Well. We are making progress...but their is just a little too much arguing here. I understand they are annoyed and whatnot, but reading it all was just too much. Instead of actually writing out so much arguing to should just turn it into a background action like chrysalis and girls continued to send barbs at each other or whatnot. It was just a little trying to read.
5868850
Noted and filed for later use.
:)
5868855 Still love the story, but ya just like the characters in the story, it can get tiring when everyone argues for too long =P. keep up the good work.
The character dynamics really are what makes this story for me, but I'll admit that having a bit of plot progression to keep it from being just bickering for its own sake does go a long way to ensure it stays what I enjoy about it. 7200 words to get from a train station to their new hideout really is a lot of bickering, and not a lot of progress.
Now to make the princesses lives that much harder
One more step towards doom.
Lude? You mean lewd.
Yeah! A update!
5869036
Fixed! Thanks. :)
I still await to see what's caused the Princesses to lock away the trio to begin with, 'cause then I can speculate what would happen should they learn of their current situation.
Why the hell does this building they go to have a front yard, and a porch? Canterlot has late medieval/early renaissance architecture, and it's densely packed city. There shouldn't be any front yards, not to mention wasted space that is porch. Please, try stick to the proper architecture, even if you yourself didn't see anything else beyond your suburbia.
And one more thing. No one sane, that lives in a city, would leave key to their home above the door. When you live in free standing house, it's not much of a problem, but when there's house next to your's, and next three next in front of you, and 10 windows pointing into your direction, you could leave the doors open, for what this trick is worth.
upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/de/6/6d/Ulm-fischerplaetzle.jpg
tripandtravelblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/hotelschiefeshausulm.jpg
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codyjohnson3d.files.wordpress.com/2011/10/msm-street.jpg
terrafirmatourist.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/Medieval-City-of-Rothenburg.jpg
thedailyoat.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/ye_olde_canterlot_by_spiritto-d53lwox.png
img3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20121212070757/mlp/images/e/e0/A_Canterlot_street_S2E9.png
5869246
Hm. As it seems, I may have indeed confused households with one another. I was likely thinking of something else at the time of writing this and, ergo, it ended up like this. Nonetheless, I will make use of the images and references you have given me, and thank you!
MOAR FRAP!
5869246
There we go, I fixed it up a bit!
Also, regarding your key comment. While, yes, I agree that a key above your doorframe is a horrible idea in real life--better off with a welcome mat, in fact--the reason I did this actually had... Well, a point.
It's kinda vague, I admit, but before everything really happened, Jeremy was pretty trusting of other ponies. He had some good experiences in Ponyville--for the most part--and believed that they would even transfer over to Canterlot as well.
This WILL be retold in the story, though not in this exact format, so watch out for that.
(Also, as an added bonus, the size difference between him and regular ponies in this story makes it kinda funny. :3)
Again, thanks for the help you provided with the houses, and your suggestions!
5869607 5869697
No problem. It was my pleasure to make this story better, and to have a polite response from the author.
You have no idea (or maybe you do) how it's hard sometimes, for the authors to admit they had bad misconception; especially with something so trivial, as position of knee and ankle joints in pony leg, in correlation to human one.
I'm glad the pictures I provided helped you, and I see that you took my most favorite example of medieval housing architecture as a blueprint for Jeremy's house. Excellent choice!
And with the key, I now understand your concept, and I'm okay with it.
I'll await further development of this idea.
I'm looking forward, for the next chapter of this story.
5869882
Okay then, if I may?
While I do in fact take constructive criticism to heart, and do not mind negativity towards the story, I must ask that you please rephrase your future comments.
Commenting negatively on my story is fine, you are after all entitled to your opinion as anyone else is.
However, there was once an incident in which a negative commenter began to outright begin unnecessary battles--of sorts--with other viewers, simply because they didn't agree with his point of view. I am not saying that you will be like to do the same, for you are only a few chapters in and so far your comments hold their own water to your opinion, but I simply advise that all comments on the story be addressed to me, rather than fellow readers.
And, though my story is not to your liking, I appreciate you taking your time to look it over anyways. Thank you. :)
5870012 I'm sorry for butting in. I'm not sure if you know, but if you're replying in here, through main story page, not under specific chapter, he won't get notification about the reply, and thus can totally miss it. Putting it simply, as you can see next to thumbs up/down, your reply, for his comment under chapter 4, is under chapter 26, and notifications don't work cross chapter wise.
5870012 I'm saying this in case I'm wrong and missing out on something big time. Apparently I am.
Genuine thanks for taking my ramblings into account, it's always good when an author actually replies to his readers
5870118 Gotta say I don't see why people are so obsessed with calling a grittier version of Equestria "realistic".
so when will we know what jeremy did to get locked up or when will the weird griffon/changeling/alicorn/pony herd thing begin
5870211
Now that I see it pointed out, I kinda realize I don't even know what the reason for going to Canterlot was to begin with, anymore. One month/chapter each for them to start walking to Ponyville, get to the train station, board the train, leave the train and get to the place they're staying, respectively, and I'm pretty much lost on what exactly their goal was even supposed to be, without rereading the last five chapters leading up to the current point to remind myself.
5870942
well from what i understand someone framed jeremy for something, he doesnt know but there was fire and celestia is apparently in on it as she hid him away without even telling anyone. other then that we got nothing. also odd note, dude is locked up for months and no one bought/demolished his home?
Was there planned romance? I just don't see it. Just seems like a long round trip.
Chapter 23-
Jailbait is something that ...baits you into do something that will get you sent to jail. (Namely, a girl below the legal age of consent) Mind, Gilda is not the smartest, so her mincing terms isn't unreasonable. Also, humorous. (The term she is looking for is probably 'jailbird', though that's not really accurate either.)
Chapter 24-
wert or wast rather than were. Additionally, contractions weren't acceptable in Formal speech until relatively recently (Informal speech of course went all the way down to sounding like slurring drunk, depending on the speaker).
'wert thou not' or 'wast thou not' would be more correct.
thy home*, thy garden
*words that start with consonants get a/my/thy instead of an/mine/thine. However, it's not the first letter, but the first /syllable/ that matters.
Thus Initialisms that start with F(ef), H(aych), L(el), M(em), N(en), R(ar), S(es), X(eks) actually start with vowel syllables. ex: an MRI, an F grade
Initialisms that start with U(yoo) actually start with a consonant syllable. ex: a UFO, a URL
Likewise words that start with silent or aspirated letters are the same: honor(onur), yggdrasil(igdrasil), etc. start with vowel syllables.
Additionally, Peasants especially tended to arbitrarily aspirate in words beginning with the letter H. Thus, herb(herb, erb) can be "an 'erb" or "a herb". Anyone using Formal speech will of course not do this.
Mine should be My. (Modern english: mine is only used as a pronoun, while here it is used as an adjective for eyes)
thy guardians
thyself
it's strange
they've changed
To show off? (show-off is the noun form)
thy right shoulder
dost thou believe thyself
in such regard /or/ in this regard
While I understand what's being said here, was that meant to be 'base of our forehoof'?
Whether
Heheh. Silly Luna! Er, Nightmare Luna.
had only committed (past perfect tense)
Hmmm. Maybe ourself, rather than ourselves. I'm not sure how far the plurality of the 'Royal We' is supposed to go in this instance.
Chapter 25-
I'm surprised she didn't have some snicker-filled thought of calling her enema.
dost thou have (compare 'does he have' for a third person version: have is not conjugated as has)
Also, you can make it even more of a mouth-full by replacing 'metamorphosing' with 'metamorphosizing'.
Hast thou
I was going to comment on how weird it is for a griffon to use this, but upon the thought crossing my mind, I realized that hay would truly be something awful for a griffon. Stupid ponies. Hay is not food!
wouldst thou allow us to make thy company
Did Chrysalis transform into a griffon, or should this be griffoness?
consciousness (conscious is an adjective)
Actually, it just sounds...off, since when you're asleep you're /un/conscious.
Perhaps mind or psyche would be better?
Eh, I guess ultimately it's first person thoughts.
This juxtaposition of terms is rather awkward.
to keep her focus // aligned // on the subject at hoof
'focused on the subject at hoof'
'focus aligned'
Both make sense, but
'aligned on the subject at hoof'
does not quite have the same meaning. It implies that the relation between 'her focus' and being 'on the subject at hoof' are indirect. Alignments are done /with/, /to/, or /toward/ something direct, rather than /on/ them. (You align a telescope toward/to/with a star, but you align it on a tripod)
Ah, am I making any sense? aligned just seems weird in context. Yet, for the life of me, I can't seem to think of a more appropriate word.
Chapter 26-
yourselves (plural, and would be thyself if singular-informal)
merrily
thou askest
mayst or mayest (either are correct)
couldn't
makest
should be 'ground' rather than 'floor'
Hmm. I know they've all decided to go to Canterlot...but do they all even have the same plan of action once they get there? They probably should have worked on that first.
5871119
This seems rather odd to me as well. A lot in the middle of Canterlot is prime real estate. The only thing I could think of that might cause this is a mile of red tape, perhaps sourced to a scheming Celestia?
5870132
Because reality is grittier than Equestria.
5869036
It means playing! It's the stem in words like illusion and allusion! which mean 'an act of playing to' and 'an act of playing at'!
Lies to foals.
But seriously, Latin.
5870132 Maybe because the "realistic" stories break away from the perfect society that the show portrays and more towards real life. I do not know, just my opinion.
5871503
but what scheme, the human is just a human. i think hes job before he was jailed was architect, what importance is he that would merit jail time. so many unknowns!
Shouldn´t that be "more so"?
I
5871503
Editing ahoy!
(I've been busy lately, which is why this took so long.)
Well written, just a small issue. An OC tag is required for OC driven stories.
"Worst. Hangover. Ever!"
Are you secretly talkin' about Hangover 3 Jeremy? And why did you sound like Comic Book Guy all of a sudden?
But more to the point, really lovin' this story so far, the dialogue between the characters are always good and the plot really pulls you in. Can't wait to see what happens next, though I do hope Celestia gets some comeuppance coming her way soon. Provided she doesn't have a very good reason for sending Jeremy to the hoosegow (hoorsegow? I'm terrible), and even then I still think she should get some flak for letting her guards beat up the prisoners. Oblivious to it or otherwise.
Not to mention I'm pretty sure more than one prisoner (including Jeremy) has escaped that way.
Wait I just read all my back logged chapters on this... Dangit... Just as I started getting interested in it again
6225496
Oh, well, I supose I can see your confusion.
To clarify, Nightmare Moon and Luna were essentially the same beings at first. After the incident involving the Elements of Harmony, however, the two were seperated.
6229195
Yes, the protagonist will indeed learn of why he was imprisoned. What with that being a major plot point, however, I want to make sure that, when the reason is discovered, it piques interest. :D
I do like this story! I wood like to know when you will put out a new chapter? It been a long time and it wood be nice to see a new chapter to this story.
Dragonfox
Ok, so we know he was jailed for unknown reasons. We know that he has two cellmates, both of which are supposedly either A. Gone or B. disappeared/starved to death. The knowledge of both of their continued existence in the dungeons appears to be a closely kept secret, and yet we suddenly have a third, who for all a select few who knew him know, hes supposedly dead, and noone asked questions, or attended a service for him.
The Princesses seem hell-bent on keeping their existence a secret form the general public, even if they also are not entirely informed of whats happening when the guards were dealing with one of the three prisoners. Finally catch a clue all-too-slowly on how to track one of them (Luna dreamwalking during the day), and throughout all of this the most we have to indicate anything untoward in the first place is a off-hand comment made by one pony at his former job.
Hopefully we start getting some answers now that they're back in Canterlot.
Just finished the most recent chapter. An interesting take on the villain and human genres; certainly worth reading multiple times. I can't wait until you pick this up again. (please be soon!)
Until then, this was a excellent read.
You're annoyed, aren't ya?
I just cought up with the story, and still wonder, HOW(?), how ist it that while Nightmare Moon controlling his body, and being so close to him, could not sense nor anticipate that Luna would spy on Jeremy through the dreams? well i guess it might be explained in the next chapter, whenever this will be^^
There an ETA on the next chapter?
Any news on future chapters?
#1000!
6508942
6500098
Hello! And, to start, I am sorry.
Unfortunately things have been holding me up for an nearly unprecedented amount of time. I've been writing a chapter for another of my stories for quite some time now, constantly getting interrupted by something in unaccountable, or rather unforeseeable, intervals.
Thankfully, I have more recently finished that same chapter. And, now, I have sent it off for proof-reading and editing. As such, I have more recently begun working on the next chapter in this story. Along with that, I plan on--for some time at least--shifting my focus to this story for a good few chapters!
Until then, I appreciate your, and everyone else's patience!
6592524
Wow... Just, wow...
I was gone for a bit, so I didn't see the progress on this story until now, and just... Wow...
My friend, I give to you, and all the other readers of this story, my greatest marks of appreciation and gratitude, for without any of you all, I would not have come to this point!
6592601 Smashing! And congratulations on 1000 likes, well deserved.
I have just read this story I HAVE NOTICED MONTHS OF NO UPDATES AS WELL, this must change. Your fans request it.
This needs to continue, down with Sunbutt!
please update this man. its a great story that needs to continue
Finally got around to reading this story and I must say I found it quite enjoyable.
I really like the dynamic between Jeremy & crew. Those arguments are hilarious. Also how it seems several of the mares in the group have feelings developing for Jeremy(Nightmare first among those).
Not entirely certain about the true villain here, because hints have been given that things are not entirely as they appear. Really got my attention with this one, hope to see more.
Will there be more? I hope there will be more... I mean this was updated 33 weeks ago.