“Captain's log, Stardate 525376.34, Equus System!” Picard declared.
”Apparently, there is a small ship in orbit, and it is clearly warp capable!” Tactical pointed out with a small smile on her face, from her position.
“That is a rather odd design, yet a familiar form!” Commander Jean-Luc Picard responded.
“Captain, the vessel apparently to be crewed by an Equine race, previously unknown to us. They seem to have a fairly peaceful civillization. By the looks of it, they're made up by three main races, with their own characteristics, yet they are still both sentient, and working together. I have seen nothing like it!” Data interjected.
“I've just managed to scan their ship, but even though they are Equines, I still can't quite get this quite right. After all the ships and races we've seen, now this. How would one operate a ship, like this?” Engineer la'Forge pointed out.
“It looks vaguely like a Manta Ray, only the outer hull appears to be comprised out of mate carbon fibres, with a distinct rubbery sheen to it. There is also something fluidly organic to the movement of this ship before us!” Doctor Crusher interjected.
“That settles it, you'll go over there, in order to investigate, but hail them before you enter the ship. I'm taking a team down to the surface. We'll just have to check in with Sick bay, before we go!” Picard pointed out.
I filed out of the Command Deck, taking the turbo lift to the deck, just a short walk from Sick bay, where Crusher awaited me, and the rest of the away team.
“How nice of you to come by, I'm just ready with your preparations, my assistants will tend to the rest of your team, they should be ready, just about on time when you're beaming down. I just may need to make a few minor last minute adjustments, before you go.
“Excellent, I expect you, and your assistants to make us into the Ponies we are supposed to pass for. I trust in your abilities!” Picard responded.
--- --- ---
It's not luk its luc, and I think he is a captain not a commander.
downvoted and quit reading after this line
i suppose i shall leave a detailed response as to why this chapter was not my cup of tea, Earl Grey, hot.
who is Tactical? additionally i would add that most of the bridge dialog(i assume this is on the bridge, i actually have no idea) is very professional
a alternative example:
NEXT LINE
i can sorta accept that dialog, CAPTAIN Jean-LUC Picard is kinda loose with his dialog at times.
NEXT PARAGRAPH/LINE
now we run into some dialog problems again, specifically problems with writing data
let me point some obvious ones out
the first two are simple contraction problems. one of Data's main speech patterns is that he almost never uses contractions
the third one while possible for data, would be much more likely for after he had been prompted to see if he had seen anything like it.
here is another problem with this paragraph:
when data is talking on the bridge(and several other places) he usually addresses the person by name or rank, as appropriate.
he also makes sure that the person is informed of what he is talking about.
a better opener would be,
NEXT LINE/ PARAGRAPH.
it occurs to me at this point, that i have no idea where this is. there was no preceding paragraph to all this to setup the story, there was no line header to even tell us the system or stardate
a preceding paragraph would even be in keeping with Star Trek itself, with most episodes starting with a captains log, with more captains logs throughout.
anyway, back to La'forge's line
i actually have no specific problems with it. i can hear him in my mind as i read this.
my only problem i have with it is that La'Forge usually is not on the bridge, being an engineer.
this means that captain has to call engineering for him to get a line in.
Admittedly La'Forge has more reason to be on the bridge than say Doctor Crusher, so i can let it slide in my mind.
NEXT PARAGRAPH:
“That settles it, you'll go over there, in order to investigate, but hail them before you enter the ship. I'm taking a team down to the surface. We'll just have to check in with Sick bay, before we go!” Picard pointed out.
first, having read the next paragraph, i assume "I'm" William T. Riker
Second, this is not something the captain is pointing out, he is making orders, orders "I" should object to seeing as the captain is leading an away mission and "I'm" a spectacular first officer.
NEXT LINE:
usually Will points out who he wants on his away team before leaving. without this i don't know who is going, so it will be harder to visualize what is happening.
NEXT TWO PARAGRAPHS:
im not going to point out any wording errors here, its all about the logic
actually no, first thing, the first paragraph has not speaker attached, and has no closing quotes
now to logic. i can see where you are going with this. William T. Riker himself underwent some cosmetic surgery to look like an alien race that was about to go warp. however that sort of thing just changed his facial features, not going as far as to change his insides. While i suppose it is possible that there would be sufficient facilities to change SPECIES(they would have to for the morphological differences) i kinda doubt they would for a simple first contact mission.
FINAL POINT:
really, this is how short the first chapter is? that's almost enough to make me not want to read it in the first place. i cannot critique that however, not being a good writer myself.
EDIT: so yeah, not so much a instant down vote as a slippery slope. the downvote exists to lower rating, to help ensure bad stories dont get seen for long. while this story is not hideously bad, its error prone and too short to make up for it. ill still read the rest and make a comment on the last chapter
i have a feeling someone need to do some homework a part from that this is good stuff
*starts reading*
Apparently EVERYONE on the Enterprise is VERY DRAMATIC! Everything they say is emphasized! With an explanation point! Because talking normally is impossible when things of such import are happening!
8260734
Thanks for reminding me, I fixed it. (a Question?)
Still, an Exclamation mark is the natural end of your speech in Dialogue, you know.
Unless it is a Question, of course. Interruptions not counted, naturally.
Just curious, what grammar guide are you applying?
Considering everything, did you read the rest of the story?
I had published more than the one single chapter already.
8275006
No its not. The normal end of dialog or any sentance in english is a period. An exclamation point is used to indicate a loud voice or a yell.
8658305
Going by punctuation?
Dialogue is within the quotation-mark, not the entire sentence. The quotation is only half the sentence, you know, unless you omit the tag entirely.
I use the action-tag at the end, rather extencively, I imagine you would have noticed that.
what is it with all the excalimation points
edit: if you have seen star trek, the one person yous should never put exlcimation points for is data