- Member Since 5th Apr, 2013
- offline last seen Apr 9th, 2020
Phoenix Warlord
A lover of Halo, Star Wars, Ponies, Fallout, and many things. Has many pony waifus. 1/2 of Warfire Writing Studios
Phoenix Warlord
Joined 5th Apr, 2013 ·
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- spideremblembrony · 4.1k words · 47 0 · 2.4k views
- GivingSpider · 6.6k words · 52 4 · 3.6k views
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It was adorable! Could have been a bit slower and longer but still a great read
Some of your language is a bit stilted and odd. Either you're a non-native speaker, which is fine, or you're uncomfortable writing clop, which is... less fine.
All in all, I liked this, but it could use some technical cleaning up with an editor.
3970454 Thanks for the comment. It maybe could have, but I was running out of ideas when this was written. I'll take that into consideration for future stories. Thanks again!
3971875 Just to clarify, I am an English speaker and I love to write clop!
Anyway, I did read though it a couple of times and did fix some things with it, but I guess I'll have to go through it again and maybe give it some more polish.
I'll take the idea of an editor in mind. Thanks for the feedback!
Real nice! The word order was strange in some parts, but overall it was pretty good.
3984863 Thanks! I'm glad you liked the story overall.
At first I was like
, but then I was like 
4080238 WHAT A TWIST!
Glad you liked the story! /) Brohoof to you! 
4080238 BTW, cool name and icon!
4080255 thx!!! I'm a weird case when it comes to stories. Sometimes I like when it makes me sad then gets better at the end.
4080296 Nice point my friend! Thanks for the watch also!
4080496 no problem. I look forward to more from you
I feel like using the whole telepathic thing was a way to evade using body language. In my opinion, the story would have flowed better if you avoided that and stuck to body language and sparatic dialogue.
Cute story though :)
Haha, no2 bad story my friend, but I must ask, were Aloe and Lotus Celestia and Luna? Im just wondering, because you hinted at it like saying they have their "ways" of knowing and that theyve been around "longer" than Shining thinks, just curious. All in all, fantastic story mate! Keep it up! /)http://cdn.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/1350586596789_7197125.png
4733348 Hmmm, I guess that's one of the mystics of the story the reader would have to figure out for themselves I guess.
But I'm happy you enjoyed it!
4742581 Haha np m8! I guess I'll have to think about that ;) anyways, Stay Classy my friend! /)
4748123 (\ Same to you also!
This isn't sexy. You can't just throw the words 'cock', 'pink', 'pussy', and 'tongue' in every other sentence and expect it to be hot. In fact, there's a lot of repetition from one sentence to the next. I would recommend *reading* a better class of pornography if you're a fan of continuing to write clop. I recommend the archives over at Hoot Island, which is "Silly Sex for Silly People". The comedy can help point the way to quality.
Your tenses are all over the place, switching from past to present in the same sentence. One does not *shutter* with pleasure, otherwise they would be slamming shut because there's a storm on the horizon. They may *shudder* in pleasure, but not if there's a cock ramming them in the womb. That is a cause for PAIN.
Here you've used 'kiss' five times in three sentences, often with an adverb right after it. In fact, you've used 'slowly' 67 times in the space of 6,400 words. More than once per 100. The same problems apply to adverbs like 'gently', 'softly', etc. Another thing is you've overused their names and pretty much described the same action happening in all three sentences.
The telepathy during sex pushed my suspension of disbelief over the edge (and now I'll have to take it to the shop to have the suspension repaired) as well as the mental image of Cadance guiding an egg along her fallopian tube and maneuvering it into position for fertilization.
In short, I stared in disbelief for many portions of this and wondered just which phone sex line you had consulted for information. (For you young'ns, a 'phone sex' line was the predecessor to cam sites on the internet. One dialed a phone number and a bored woman with talking points on the other end made noises, said dirty words, and pretended she was having sex with you for 5 dollars a minute.)
I award you this Pete Townshend Beating, with my compliments.
i1180.photobucket.com/albums/x403/stop-the-fading/PeteTownsendBeating.gif
5414848 I do thank you for your input and will take note of your comments for future stories when I edit them. Besides, everyone is entitled to their own opinion.
I always have to go through my own fics and weed out so many of the adverbs that get overused. It's too easy to get lost in the 'gently's and the 'softly's when it comes to things like this. They should be used as sparingly as exclamation marks.
5416505 Alright, I'll make note of that when I edit the story. Thanks for the feedback nonetheless.
5416505
No wonder your head exploded.