A small blue unicorn filly galloped through the door, slamming it behind her with a kick while tears ran over her cheeks. “All of them can go straight to Tartarus!” Trixie cried out, shaking on her hooves. Her words echoed through the small hovel. She shook off her starry, purple hat and flung it at a wall.
“Trixie?” A snow white pegasus with a blue mane, and a top-hat cutie mark, looked up from her sewing, startled. School should not have ended for a few more hours. “What's wrong, my little pony? Aw, come here.” She turned towards her filly and sank through her hind legs, spreading the front pair out towards Trixie invitingly.
Already dashing halfway across the room, Trixie buried herself into the embrace with such force, she could hear a grunt above her. “S-sorry...” She whimpered in a muffled voice, hiding her face by nuzzling against the fur. Soft caresses along her back seemed to brush away more of the trembling with each stroke.
Sly Nightsky looked down at the gently shaking Trixie, wrapped up in her forelegs, patiently waiting for the soft sobbing to stop while comforting her. “Shh It's okay... Did something go wrong at school?” Trixie opened her mouth to answer, but stopped as each thing she thought of saying brought on a quivering on her lips. Instead, she merely nodded in response.
Upon getting no answer, Sly sighed. Pulling teeth to find out what happened not a pleasant prospect. Suddenly, she perked up and showed a small grin while looking up to the ceiling. “Were they jealous of your nice hat?” she asked in a gentle tone, raising one hoof up to stroke Trixie's mane, but all she got in response was Trixie shaking her head. “Were they jealous of Trixie's cute face? Oh I know, maybe Trixie's pretty mane?” She felt Trixie squirm in her grasp. “Trixie's amazing eyes? Trixie's graceful tail? That beautiful coat of Trixie?”
“S-stop it geez!” Trixie's face burned red while she pushed away from her mother with her forelegs, but not managing to escape. Trixie and Sly each raised and lowered their gaze respectively, their eyes meeting in silence for a few moments “...You don't really have to stop you know...”
“How about you tell me what is wrong first?” Her mother shot back.
Trixie took a deep breath. “...They are all better than me.” Breaking eye contact, Trixie stared down at the floor. “They did not like my show at all... They did every spell better.” Her voice quivered as she spoke. “They said I didn't even know real magic, that it was all just tricks. 'Trixie's only Trickery!' ”
Sly pulled Trixie close again, scowling at the wall behind her. “W-well what do they know? I know you have the best magic!” The pegasus fidgeted with her hooves. “I don't understand what the difference is, it’s all magic, right? Who says real magic only comes from a horn.” She gave a glance over towards the bookshelf full of "magic books" she'd used to teach the little unicorn.
“Everyone else?” Trixie offered quietly, snuggling against Sly's chest. She'd been so excited when changing schools by the thought of having a whole new class to impress with her magic. She never imagined the difference in skill was so startling.
“... I'm sorry Trixie... I don't know any unicorn magic... But I'm sure that you can learn some from your classmates.” Sly went silent while she rested a lingering look at the crumpled up large hat by the door. “... You should take better care of that...”
Blinking slowly, Trixie groaned painfully as she opened her eyes, staring up at the wooden ceiling again. “That... does not look like Trixie's Wagon.” The throbbing headache made it difficult to focus for very long, but she caught another look at the room she was in. Why is Trixie in here?
Faint memories of being tormented by some ponies that just would not let her be spurred Trixie on to scoot to the edge of the bed and roll out onto her hooves. “Trixie can’t stay here. Who knows what they will—Waah!” Her knees gave way under her own weight, sending her hurtling to the floor with a thud.
Dazed from the fall, Trixie looked down at her legs, scared to see whatever they had done to her. In a panic, Trixie’s mind ran the gambit from anything like a curse or poison to surgical. She was relieved to find nothing was wrong with her legs, but it also puzzled her. What am I doing on the ground then if I’m fine?
Her ears perked up as she heard a creaking noise; her head snapped towards the open doorway, revealing the yellow, now not-so-fuzzy, pegasus. Ah. That's right, Trixie saw her before... I think. Staring up at her, Trixie found the other merely stared right back at her without saying a word. Deciding to break the silence herself then, Trixie spoke up. “Why is Trixie here? What have you done to The Great and Powerful Trixie!? Trixie will not be lenient if you do not release her immediately!” Wincing from her own shouting, Trixie decided maybe she'd tone it down next time, but she felt it was important to come out strong.
It certainly seemed to have done the trick as she watched her jailer give a surprisingly adorable cry and hurriedly retreat behind the door-post, whimpering. Trixie still has it!... It never worked that well before, though. Now that she thought about it, she had never heard of a jailer that would cover before a downed pony that merely raised her voice. “What is your name? Tell The Great and Powerful Trixie,” she demanded impatiently.
Fluttershy flinched as Trixie addressed her again “Um... I'm Fluttershy.”
“What was that?” Trixie blinked and rose a hoof to one of her ears, checking if they had fallen off halfway through.
“Um... My name is Fluttershy.” Letting her bangs fall in front of her face, the yellow pony hid even more of herself.
“Didn't quite catch that.” Trixie was fairly sure at this point it was not her hearing that was at fault. All she got back from Fluttershy this time was a squeaking sound.
Letting out a sigh, she raised a hoof up to press against her forehead, trying to ward off the oncoming headache of talking to the shy mare, only to find she'd set off a burning of a thousand suns where she touched. She hissed at the pain. Pulling her hoof back quickly, the pain subsided somewhat again, but her mood was even worse now. “Argh! What is wrong with you?! You were talking to Trixie before asking Trixie those inane questions! Ahhhh.” Closing her eyes tightly, Trixie had managed to rekindle her headache once again.
Trixie was surprised when she felt something soft press against her left side. It shuffled below her stomach, then lifted, helping Trixie to her feet and guiding her somewhere. Soon feeling the blankets against her fur again, She opened her eyes to find Fluttershy beside her, still looking terrified, but definitely the one that had helped her.
“I..I'm Fluttershy.”
Growing up as a unicorn without anyone to teach you actual magic brings forth bad surprises. Nice foreshadowing with the hat.
I noticed you spelled 'jailer' with a 'e,' not a 'o' like in the previous chapter. You might want to harmonize the spelling across the chapters. Also, the correct spelling for the plural of 'hoof' is 'hooves,' not hoofs.
And once again, don't refer to Fluttershy by her name since Trixie only hears it in the very last line.
I liked the line 'Trixie buried herself into the embrace'
Correction time;
'Trixie cried out shaking on her hoofs' should be 'Trixie cried out, shaking on her hooves' note the comma,
'Turning towards her filly and sinking through her hind-legs' should be 'She turned towards her filly and sunk through her hindlegs/hind legs' ; 'through' might need to be 'to' as well but I'm not sure about that,
you forgot the period at the end of 'while comforting her'
I honestly can't understand what you meant with 'pulling teeth to find out what happened not a pleasant thought'
there should be a comma after 'know' in 'Oh I know maybe Trixie's pretty mane'
samewise after 'it' in '“S-stop it geez!”'
'Trixie's face burning red while pushing away' should be 'Trixie's face burned red as she pushed away'
'Each raising and lowering their gaze respectively' should be 'each raised and lowered their gaze respectively'
fimfiction doesn't show a skipped line between 'Her mother shot back' and 'Trixie took a deep breath'
you forgot the period after 'Trixie took a deep breath'
'quivering' should be 'quivered' in 'Her voice quivering as she spoke'
there's a space between the last apostrophe and the last quotation mark in ''Trixie's only Trickery!' ”
there should be a comma after 'again' in 'Sly pulled Trixie close again scowling at the wall behind her'
'The earth-pony fidgeting with her hoofs' should be 'The earth pony fidgeted with her hooves'
I suggest to use 'her daughter' instead of 'the little unicorn' in 'she'd used to teach the little unicorn'
there should be a comma after 'offered' in 'Trixie offered muffled against Sly's chest'
'Trixie groaned in pain as she opened her eyes and blinked slowly as she found herself staring at the wooden ceiling again' flows a lot better than 'Trixie groaned pained as she opened her eyes staring up at the wooden ceiling again, blinking slowly'
you capitalized 'that' and 'wagon' in '“That... Does not look like Trixie's Wagon”'
'spurring' should be 'spurred' in 'spurring Trixie on'
'and rolls out onto her hoofs' should be 'and roll out onto her hooves'
'cant' should be 'can't' in '“Trixie cant stay here'
I suggest you write 'they will-waah!' instead of 'they will Waah!'
there should be a comma after 'weight' in 'under her own weight sending her'
'too' should be 'to' in 'scared too see whatever'
'Trixies' should be 'Trixie's' in 'Trixies mind'
'surgical' should be 'surgery' in 'to surgical in a panic'
'She found with relief that' flows better than 'Relieved to find'
'im' should be 'I'm' in 'if im fine?'
'Deciding' should be 'She decided' in 'Deciding to break the silence'
'Winching' should be 'She winced' in 'Winching from her own shouting' , I also suggest to put a semicolon at the end of the quoted sentence instead of a comma,
'gave' should be 'give' in 'gave a surprisingly adorable cry'
you don't need a hyphen in 'door-post'
I suggest using 'with a whimper' instead of 'whimpering'
there should be a comma after 'it' in 'she thought about it who ever heard'
'cover' should be 'cower' in 'jailer that would cover'
'Trixie.” She demanded' should be 'Trixie,” she demanded'
add a period at the end of 'addressed her again'
'Letting' should be ''She let' in 'Letting her bangs fall'
add a comma after 'face' in 'in front of her face hiding even more of her'
'She rose a hoof with a sigh to press against her forehead, trying to ward off the onsetting headache from talking to the shy mare, only to find she'd set off a burning of a thousand suns' flows better than 'Letting out an sigh while raising a hoof to press against her forehead trying to ward off the onsetting headache of talking to the shy mare only to find she'd set off a burning of a thousand suns' ; I also suggest using 'had' instead of the contraction to avoid confusion,
'her hoof back quickly. The pain subsided somewhat' flows better than 'her hoof back quickly and the pain subsided somewhat'
there should be an exclamation mark after 'Ahhhh'
'She closed her eyes tightly as her headache came back to torment her' makes much more sense than 'Closing her eyes tightly as she managed to torment her headache once again'
and
'Surprise overtook her when she felt something soft press against her left side, shuffle below her stomach before lifting her, helping Trixie to her feet and guiding her somewhere. She soon felt the blankets against her fur again and opened her eyes to find the pegasus beside her, still looking terrified but definitely the one that had helped her'
flows better than
'Surprised when she felt something soft press against her left side and shuffling below her stomach then lift, helping Trixie to her feet and guiding her somewhere, soon feeling the blankets against her fur again and opens her eyes to find Fluttershy beside her still looking terrified but definitely the one that had helped her'
These chapters are ridiculously short, and there doesn't seem to be any reason for this to be the case. Honestly it feels like the last three or so chapters should all be a single chapter, because these random chapter ends are getting a bit annoying.
As I was reading I remembered her mother was an earth pony. Did you ever add her later in the story or plan to?
5510690
Short answer, yes.
Ah, yes, Sly Nightsky. What a traditional earth pony name, evoking comforting hugs and a bright palette.
Wait, what?
6113174
Huh... you know what... That is an excelent point.
I hadn't taken that into consideration.
If pony marriages worked the same way as humans, I might have been able to pretend 'nightsky' was her husband's name... But they don't.
Edit: on second thought, the Cakes might have done so.
I'll put some thought into how to fix this. I suppose the simplest way would be to change her name to reference fallen snow, or something along those lines.
Thanks for pointing that out.
6113378
Well you do have the Apples. When they marry they don't take on each other's names. They just assimilate every other clan to make more Apples and Apple related products.
Then you have Nightlight and Twilight Velvet, their names didn't carry over. Zephyr Breeze doesn't share a namesake with Fluttershy. The Pies have a father Ignatius Rock and mother Cloudy Quartz. With Pinkie Pie taking on the last name of Granny Pie. As does Maud. While neither sister has Pie in their names (sadly).
So naming conventions are not really carry overs for most non-agricultural families. They seem to be based off of a weird naming convention that somehow, magically fits their future cutie mark, physical attribute / color, or personality trait. So either the Cakes aren't directly related, or their's some wincest going on there XD.
7410046
Well Shining, Twilight , Night Light all have to do with Light.
8859963
I think that's more coincidence than anything. Yes "Light" is a very tenuous, very reaching theme. That requires a few hoops to jump through.
But unlike the Apple's, Pie's, Cakes, or a lot of other Earth Pony type names. Twilight (time of day), Nightlight (something to help others see in the darkness), and Shining Armor (play on a "Knight in Shining Armor") they don't actually have a connecting theme to their names.
That's like saying since Shimmer, Sparkle, and Glimmer are all types of light based names that those three are in fact sisters. Rather than three ponies with no relation to one another ... even if it does lead up to a rather hilarious joke.
reading through this again for the uh... sixth time?
Really love the quick but hard hitting intro here. The way Fluttershy and Trixie first meet is adorable.
the internal thought seems to change pov though, it feels slightly odd to have the words 'Trixie saw her before... I think." like it changes pov mid sentence, but otherwise good stuff.